(Apologies for the Grumble, but that’s where I am today, Grumble Town (it's south of London, but so are a lot of places, Africa for one...)).
I get it.
I do, I get it. Getting a lovely picture of your little ones, done by a reet proper soul stealer photographer person is lovely.
They're all dressed up smart for school, someone hopefully has attacked the younger ones with a comb, most of the face muck has been cleared off. Anything visibly and obviously terrible and not meant to be there, has been removed...
Photographer: 'Er... without the banner please'
TeenBoy15: <Lowers 'Palps only wanted peace' sign>
Photographer: 'And a nice big smile...'
CLICK
Photographer: 'No finger gestures please'
CLICK
Photographer: 'Better... but no finger gestures at all please you’re not from the ghetto'
CLICK
Photographer: <Sighs> '... and phone away... '
CLICK
TeenBoy15: 'ARGHGGHGHG MY SOUL!!!!' <Sues>
… And the photo you get comes with a reasonable frame, so you can instantly use it for darts hang it on the wall for all to see.
Cracking!
And they give you free postage, and I frikkin’ love free postage!
That is assuming you can decide if you want the photos in the nano-seconds (a week) they give you to decide.
Any "I'm a bit busy right now, I'll do that later" and you've missed the free postage window, it's now at least a kidney for postage, maybe a leg.
I'm sure they could allow for a double grace period. The first just to scare you, and then a real proper one that is actually a fake and then you get another.
There isn't much to do either, really I don't have to do anything apart from pick the pics and pay!
Because I am already sending the kids into school looking as good as I can be bothered to do possible. Ironed, washed, right clothes on right body parts. Shoes matching. Hair reasonable for polite society, not Halloween bush from the nether realms.
On the day of photos (assuming I remembered), I shove them out (lovingly) looking extra clean and smart. Then a few days later there's a little surprise in their bags, of the photo proofs all saying with text saying "Don't just take a photo of this image and print out yourself" or "sample" or "help, I am being forced to develop photos against my will".
Hair by Daddel Salon (appointments only).
Then all I have to do is pick the "package" I want, pay and then sit back and revel in my lovely new archery targets pictures.
Simples.
Expensive simples actually.
Although is it really expensive? Annoyingly it's notly.
It turns out that had I organised a professional photographer myself, it would have cost at least 1 maybe 2 hundred bananas, and it would have to be at the weekend. Therefore adding my time to the overall banana cost, so let's say 250 bananas max, 150 if it’s a mate that works for bananas and owes you a favour because you lent them a really cool game and they lost it.
For my bananas I would get billions, literally and actually billions of pics, all looking very similar. Which I'd never do anything with most of them, except one, that every time I looked at it always gave me the heebie-jeebies because it was just too perfect and we were all smiling and looking like we loved and liked each other's company.
OMFB it would be weird.
<Shudders>
So really, despite the minor heart attacks, each time I have to hand over twelve watermelons for ONE SINGLE image, it's cheaper than it would cost me to do it myself.
So that's a positive... O...
Brainzilla: 'Nice! You realise whilst grumbling you’ve managed to justify their costs? Your main grumble! Out arguing yourself this time, new all time low..."
<Snaps> It is not a new all time low! Top three at worst. What about the noodle incident?
Brainzilla: 'Fair, top three then'
Then there’s the choice.
Oh my sweet deep fried brie, the choice.
So. Much. Choice.
I just want the "normal sized pic please" option. Just like the previous one I had. Matching size would be a win. Same frame and you’re rocking my world not literally.
But that’s not the choice you get is it… IS IT???
You want the choice?
You can't handle the choice!!!
For example: Pack A is eighteen separate pictures.
Eighteen!
I haven’t got that many relatives that I palm pics off to as Xmas pressies.
And I certainly don’t need eighteen different sized pics of each child on the walls at home. The house would look weird.
Yeah, come on in…
New Person: ‘O… what a lot of children pics you have…’ <Is still looking over the walls, the floor, the doors, the ceiling… the windows… the sofa… my t-shirt and trousers>
New Person: ‘Actually I have to leave... Now...’ <Leaves in a rush>
<Sighes> Damn you PACK A!!! <Shakes fist at the sky>
And Pack B is only a little better, there’s only fifteen in that.
Remember I want one. One picture.
Pack C is for the nutters, there’s thirty seven. Honestly!
Thirty seven all the same, but of various sizes, pics.
WHY??? Who would ever need that? I suppose if I was planning a leaflet campaign that could be handy… But thirty seven!
Pack D is heading towards sensible, thirteen pics.
Pack E three pics. One for each grandparent, and one for me! Which sounds good.
Except that I know despite my Mum despite being very sweet about it, she’s enough pics of my kids.
She has thirty thousand grand kids roughly, there’s only so much photo hanging real-estate she has in the house.
(P.S. Mum you’ll never guess what you’re getting for Xmas this year!!! Lard.
Then assuming your will to purchase hasn’t consumed you in a ball of hating and loathing, there’s the fun options.
Fun <Rolls eyes at you>...
A mouse mat! So you can shove a piece of plastic around over the face of your most cherished one.
A cup! So you can fill it with boiling water every day and see their face as you do it, or enjoy putting your lips to something near their face all day.
A stuffed toy wearing a t-shirt with your baby's face on it! WTAF?
And my personal favourite, and new this year to me a water bottle!
Boy8: 'You getting a pic of me?'
Of course I am! <Grumbles on the inside>
<Looks at photo> Yeah it's lovely...
<Looks at price> ... lovely...
Boy8: 'I thought though, that maybe you would want to get the water bottle too!'
Have you met me?
You thought all kinds of wrong then didn't you
Amazing. Every word of what you just said was wrong.
Why would I get that? <Is grateful he doesn't want the mouse matt option>
Why would I want a water bottle with your face on it, or is it for you?
Why do you want that?
Boy8: 'So we can see my face on the bottle!'
But I can see your face now!
Boy8: 'But not on a bottle!'
... I'm fine with that missing in my life, plus I can see your face now! <Slaps both his face cheeks playfully>
Boy8: <Rubs cheeks> 'But when a friend asks where Boy8 is, I can show them the bottle instead!'
Your friends call you Boy8?
But they'd see you, and your face, with the bottle... <Is getting confused>
Boy8: 'Yes, but they wouldn't know that!' <Says triumphantly>
… but…
… <Concludes I have lost this discussion>
How about I have a look later and see if I can afford it, OK?
Boy8: <Skips off happy>
<Already knows how that 'look' will go>
<Only orders one water bottle>
And then the option that makes me want to break down and weep every time.
You can buy the digital images so you can print them yourself. Hooray!
Oh sweet, well surely that’s cheaper… Short story it’s not.
The digital pics are actually more than the reasonable Pack, urghghgh.
Fine they gotta make money, that’s the world we live in.
But urghghgh and yuk and urghhgh again. It just leaves a bad taste in the mouth.
It’s like picking up a cold cup of tea and you end up having a sip and regretting it. Urghghg.
Then you have to make another cuppa to clear away the taste, and it’s not the same cuppa as the cold one was, it’s good, but you miss the one you didn’t finish, somehow that one was better, everything was right about it, and it hurts, it hurts bad… I may have lost my way with this metaphor… run away! Run away!
Accomplice: ‘I thought you said it was gonna be a big score?’
It was! These are worth a fortune!
Accomplice: ‘Money would’ve been better!’
<Is eating ill gotten gains> … suppose… but then I’d be hungry and thirsty
Accomplice: ‘Next time we hit a bank’
Sperm or blood?
Anyhoo…
When I started writing this blog post I had only TeenBoy15’s photo proof to decide on, and Boy8’s.
But lucky me, Miss11's turned up today.
I now have three pics to decide on, one of Miss11’s first year at secondary school, one of TeenBoy15’s last year at secondary school, Boy8 continuing at the same school. And I'll let you into a secret, one of them, I am not saying which, I don’t actually like the picture.
I don't want it.
So do I hand over, begrudgingly, my hard earned 45 cantaloupes and get all three pics.
Or do I have to look into one of their little eyes and explain why this time, despite me loving them ever so much, and they being every so lovely and wonderful, I didn’t get your pic as you looked a bit crapo that day.
It’s a tricky choice.
But I am sure I’ll make the right choice for me and mine.
<Dives into paddling pool filled with cantaloupe juice, has the best time>
<Is sick later due to the cantaloupe juice, but it feels unrelated>
X
