<In John-Boy voice>
‘Well for a start, quite a few winters have passed since you were all last welcomed onto the Walton's my mountain. Just under four if you are aiming to get all factual about it.’
<Acoustic guitar and trumpet tune plays> Ba-bababa-baaaa...
In yet another innocent hilarious John-Boy prank the boy with the stick, middle front,… er… Stick-boy (??) had a note pinned to his back reading “Incest is best”. However Grandma recalled darker days and looser laws, and didn’t find it funny (plus she secretly thought John-Boy was a knob)...
‘I'm sad to say we dog-gone lost that old cat of ours. Don't you worry none though it was just his time to move on. Pa done gone sat with him on his legs all through that long morning, stroking him and muttering nice words at him…’
<Eyes leak remembering>
‘... I don't recall seeing Pa shed a tear for much since I was knee high to a dung beetle, (just most Disney films, Empire Strikes back, Rogue One, and Hello Dolly).
We all's got our chance to says our goodbyes. Then Pa buried him behind the playhouse, with a cross he done made, and later a tree stump so we'd always be knowing where to find him should we wish to say hello.
Out of all the animals we done had here on the farm I reckon I be missing that cat the most. We all reckons it feels mighty to queer to be having our toes sticking out of the duvet without nothing biting 'em!’
<More acoustic guitar and trumpet playing>
And as for Boy11 well he's done caught the puberty as Miss11 would say, he's talking all deep, wanting to be known as TeenBoy15.
Pa weren't too happy about it to be right, said there's a bit too much growing up going on for his liking, but you know Pa the soppy git he came round right in the end.’
<More acoustic guitar and trumpet playing, but a kicking beat joins it, a cheeky little third break-beat, ah yeah...>
‘I suppose the biggest news, that even caused quite the stir in town, is that Ma moved out to her own mountain, not far from here... er... Jamtons mountain. Something about Ma asking Pa to try to stopping making Star Wars jokes, to which Pa replied "There is no try".
So now TeenBoy15, Miss11 and Boy8 share their time between the mountains. Twas a hella-to-do when it first happened, I ain't managed to get my head around any writings since then. But time fixes all things as they say, and we've all adjusted to our new way of life. Ma and Pa seem fine enough, it's funny how everything always seems to work out some-hows.
Pa's taking to calling Ma Mrs. X, which has us all giggling every time he does it, and ‘course no one be calling them Team Parent (yay!) none more, it wouldn't be proper. Team CoParent has been mentioned, but I don't think it's stuck right yet. I guess only time will tell.
As I said, things sure have changed here on Walton's mountain!’
<All pretence of acoustic guitar gone, dub reggae plays on through the end...>
Pa!
Brainzilla: <Gives a look>
... and in some ways John-Boy...
Brainzilla: <Sterner look>
.. and the narrator, except when I'm John-boy narrating myself being John-Boy...
Brainzilla: ‘What? That's bonkers!’
It's not that bad…
Brainzilla: ‘It’s bad even for you! At one point you're talking about yourself in the third person, when you're the first, second and third person. I mean what the actual hell are you playing at!’
…
<Sticks middle finger up at Brainzilla>
Brainzilla: ‘Nice. Hand goes the other way round BTW…’ <Rolls eyes>
<Picks nose>
Oh shush!
<Runs>
That’s pretty much all the detail you’ll be getting on the big news, coz I ain’t telling ya nothing guv.
... Anyhoo!
Yoinks! <Runs into whatever I find>
<Hurts knee>
‘Who didn’t let Pa win at Monopoly!
You know how burny he gets…’
<Later that night as the credits roll>
Night Boy8-Boy
Boy8: Night Pa
Night Miss11-Boy
Miss11: Night Pa
Night TeenBoy15-Boy
TeenBoy15: Night Pa <Teen silence>
John-Boy: Night Pa
Night... er... <Is counting on fingers>
1, 2... er... 4! <Checks notes> that's too many!!!
<Leaps out of bed shouting> That bloody John-Boy done gone got in the house again! Where's my shooting stick? <Is passed Nerf guns>
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
…
BANG
<Smoke clears>
He won't be doing that ag'in!
<Spits on the floor>
X.