Turns Out... I'm Cavalry!

It turns out I am cavalry.

Which surprised me. Because most of the time I seem to be the leader of the 'Solo Scout Party', or head 'Primary Reconnaissance Advanced Tester' P.R.A.T. for short.

And why?

Because that's what gentlemen do, they wander off into the dark to find out what is wrong. Alone. No chocolate, nuthin’. Investigating anything that one of us 'may' hear in the night. You heard nothing.

'I heard a creak'

Sorry… sprouts

I am asleep and careth not

It could be a bear?

'Nooo... don't be silly...'

'Why would it be a bear' <Is unsure>

A bear escaped a local zoo just the other day

They said it is likely to break into houses at this time of night

'Really?'<Is wide eyed>

Uh huh... And it attacks families just like ours

'Nooo' <Hooked, lined and sinkered>

The only warning you get is a floorboard creak just before...

'Before what?!'

<Does cutting throat mime>

'Go see what made the noise'

Bugger off, didn't you hear the bear story? No

'Go on... you're the man!'

<Grumbles>

Fine... <Puts on Piglet slippers>

but if it is a bear... <Does up Tigger onesie>

and I get eaten…  <Tugs Pooh beanie on tight>

...

'Zzz'

you just carry on sleeping… <Sighs>

Being the man of the house pretty much defines me as chief tester and investigator.

So yesterday when I dawned on me that I had become the cavalry, the relief column (he he), the backup, for a night. Well it surprised me.

I thought I was cannon fodder to be honest.

BabyBoy1 has a hell of a cold at the moment.

It is stopping him from sleeping as he wakes up unable to breath, and then panics. Which is fair enough. Knowing how to cough your throat clear is not something it seems you are born with. Shame for us.

So all week Team Parents (yay!) have had our sleep ruined disturbed by BabyBoy1 waking up every couple of hours, as, and when the Calpol / Nurofen fades.

Miss4 has caught the same illness.

She can clear her own throat which is good. But she can also get out of bed and sneak into ours. It's not until the bed temperature has reached ~4000 degrees do we normally notice she has snuck in.

(Still missed and thought of every damn day... <weeps>)

So it's been a classic broken sleep week for Team Parents (yay!).

I'm not moaning, it is what it is. Exhausting.

And Mrs. Amazing has taken most of the strain. 

Apparently waking me, can be harder than just getting up and then rocking someone back to sleep for three hours at 3am.  I'm not sure about that, but it's definitely safer and less sweary. The times I do wake first, I tend to crawl angrily into action.

It does take a lot to wake me...

<Plays trumpet directly into my ear>

Zzz

<Wafts pie under my nose>

Zzz <Stays asleep but tries to eat pie>

<Puts chocolate on my lips>

Zzz <But eats chocolate>

'I am going to buy as many shoes as I can on-line'

Zzz <But sleep is restless>

Fine... <Undoes one button on pyjama top>

Yes?

I know I have been left to sleep because of the morning report and I am grateful. 

Sleep is definitely in my top 100. 

In return I have been doing more when I am at home, trying to reduce the toll on Mrs. Amazing. But my time at home is limited and I can only turn the tide of battle so much.

Yesterday I got this message from Mrs. Amazing. 

It may not seem much to you. It may even seem pretty cordial and is simply stating how things are going at home…

My response was ‘Shiiiiiitt!’.

I know the lady. I know Mrs. Amazing pretty darn well.

She may well have put...

I was busy at work when I got this. 

But stopped what I was doing to text back support and an offer to dump them both on me and then run, when I got home. I didn't get a response. Mrs. Amazing was already planning that anyway.

Enough build up, my great day at work finally ends.

I get home and find BabyBoy1 and Miss4 sat on the sofa drinking their milk. Mrs. Amazing is slumped underneath BabyBoy1 with a 'help' look on her face.

Man what a day, I'm off to the pub

I see no problem at this moment in time

It's gymnastic-nookie night, you better warm up!

Are you OK?

What would you like me to do?

Mrs. Amazing heads out into the real world for a walk and I catch up with Miss4 and BabyBoy1. Who are both delighted to see me and behave lovely and sweetly. It's lucky Mrs. Amazing nipped out.

Mrs. Amazing comes back thanks to Magnum P.I. 

Miss4 gets a Mummy bedtime and I get BabyBoy1. Miss4 takes longer to get to bed. Even ill. You have to guard Miss4, until she actually falls asleep.

BabyBoy1 is great at going to sleep, so I am finished first.

I have a moment of genius. Rather than bugger off downstairs and raid the chocolate cupboard again. I wait for Mrs. Amazing to come out of Miss4's room...

I'll do guard duty

'What? Why?'

You go catch up on Facebook, and watch utter crap on tele

'Really?'

Uh huh… Watch that really terrible stuff I can't stand

That horrible soul sucking, depressive, stuff you like...

'The News?'

<Shudders> If you must...

Miss4 is pretty good and eventually she is asleep. Guard duty done.

I find Mrs. Amazing laid out on the sofa, eyes covered, motionless, not talking. Tele not even on. Phone ignored.

Shiiiiit. All bad signs.

<Picks up shot glass>

Have you been having whiskey shots?

'Jack Daniels'

God that's hot

Another?

<Eyes flicker to say ‘yes, lots’>

('And those are since you hot gnome... hic... <cracks up with laughter>')

Whilst Mrs. Amazing lay recovering I shut myself away in the kitchen and cooked, cleaned, laundered, dried, sang and danced to Elbow. 

Then I came back to Mrs. Amazing to listen a lot, bring more shots, and watch Mrs. Amazing slowly come back to her amazing self.

So like I said, I was the cavalry.

I turned up near the end of the battle, after everyone else was dead, ill, or at least severely injured, and managed to turn the tide of the battle. Ararenother win for Team Parents (yay!)!

Mrs. Amazing was in bed at 8:30 again.

But before she zonked out, she thanked me for looking after her, and gave me a kiss.
X

I Want Some Baddies

Miss4 asked for some baddies for her Lego. She said the same to Mrs. Amazing too.

Why do you want baddies?

All my Lego is lovely <Said as though 'lovely' is a right disappointment>

We are so sorry

I want to play cops and robbers

I don't have any swords or guns

<Looks at ‘lovely’ Lego>

You're right by George!

<Miss4 looks confused>

Who's George?

Miss4 has a very good point. All her Lego is, well, lovely.

It's nice, it's safe, it's trying very hard to be female positive and yet...

It’s seriously missing baddies. She hasn't even got one.

There are bad women in the world. I'm sure there are. Katie Hopkins

They're out there somewhere those evil, mean and nasty women with guns, with swords, with henchmen, sitting in their castles full of cushions and tiny boxes, surrounded by nice smells.

<Shudders>

However I can't think of any female baddies right now off the top of my head... well aside from fictional characters: the Trunchbull, the Goblin Queen, Wicked Witch of the West, Rapunzel's Mum

Where are all the female Lego baddies?

We have this set:

It has this 'lovely' lady in it. By day she sells vegetables and ice cream to other Lego people.

But by night she scoots about town looking for fun with her baguette and bananas. No wonder she look so happy.

I'm not going to get into the Lego for girls argument. A quick glance at the box makes it very clear which sex the manufacturer think should play with it.

Best not to market or tailor Lego to girls or boys. It will annoy parents.

Make Lego for everyone, to build stuff with. Easy.

Oh! and don't call a range of Lego 'Friends' unless you want to be covered in puke constantly, by everyone.

(I hate them all)

Boy8's Lego however, is full of baddies.

There’s Turtles Lego which has Shredder, The Foot and that weird alien brain thing. Star Wars Lego which has Sith lords, battle droids and loads of very cool Storm troopers. (Man I wish had had Lego Star Wars). He also has monsters, pirates, evil and good ninjas. All of these come with guns, lightsabers, nunchucks, and boring swords.

Basically he’s got baddies galore, and they are all boys.

Where’s the evil women?

Miss4 was given £10 the other day so Mrs. Amazing took her shopping to get some baddies.

I felt like I should have gone with her as really 'baddies' and 'Lego' seems more my area.

Then it hit me...

<Bang>

OWWWWW! Who threw that?

<Boy8 sniggers and hides>

Who keeps doing that?

… me claiming that 'Baddies' are more my area is just the same as Lego’s 'lovely' sets aimed at girls.

Damn it. This gender equality non-sexist stuff is hard sometimes.

It’s not as though Mrs. Amazing walks around in bubble wrap in my pocket, she rides in a golden carriage I pull with my teeth. She struts her stuff out in the world just like I do, meeting the loonies and baddies as I do. I bet she handles them better than me too, and greets them with kindness and a smile, rather than my approach of hiding and evil looks as they walk away.

So bad me claiming ‘baddies’.

Mrs. Amazing and Miss4 head off to get Lego and come back with this, and it's almost utterly perfect for Miss4.

(Handcuffs, uniformed men, moustaches, make your own jokes)

Brilliant. A baddie and a copper. Perfect for playing cops and robbers. Happy days.

Of course a female police officer would have been good, and a female thief wouldn't hurt.

Surely there must be at least one female evil Lego character? They can’t all be aspirational and excellent role models, that are smart and work hard?

(All sickly good - Even 'Velma Staplebot', 4th along, top row, volunteers at the local Robot Outreach Centre and makes her own jam)

Where’s all the bitches huh Lego?

Where’s the low down, conniving, lying women?

Where’s the layabout losers?

My daughter wants some baddies!

… and it would probably be good if they weren't all men.

Some men are nice.

<Trips kitten>

<Laughs>

<Gets scratched>