Sleep You Fool! (Breakfast club)...

And there he was.

Dressed and totally ready for school.

Hair brushed. Teeth clean. Bag packed.

Smile on his mush, but with a clear 'come on' expression in his eyes.

Boy9 was ready to go.

It was only 6:30am...

Mrs. Amazing: 'Morning Darling' <Gets hug>

<Tries to say 'Morning dude!'> <Grunts>

Mrs. Amazing: 'You're up early?'

<Quiet, and unintelligible swearing into pillow>

Mrs. Amazing: 'And you're dressed?'

<Sit up, tries to speak, gives up, goes back to sleep>

Boy9: 'Let's get going!'

Zzzzzz <Is chased by giant clock in school uniform in dream>

Breakfast club.

And no that awesome movie with Molly Ringythingy-bob and Emilio Estevez, and that guy with the dark hair that really rebelled. God I wanted to be him.

I still love fingerless gloves and I am pretty sure it’s due to him.

I would have given anything to be him. Not with the Dad issues obv. But to look that cool and be that cool. It's amazing how life can really, really, fail to deliver on your dreams sometimes.

It's cool though. <Weeps>

Without that movie most of my life may have been very different.

Must watch it again...

(In left to right order of who I wished I was…

I’m far right… <Sighs>)

Anyhoo...

Not that movie.

As awesome as it is. This tale isn't about that. We were talking about Boy9.

Ready for school at 6:30am. The ‘Grumping Hour’ (mine).

He’s ready a whopping two hours early because he hates us.

Ready because he wanted to get to breakfast club that Team Parent (yay!) reluctantly have to use.

Reluctantly because it's just another expense. Another bill to add to the list. More child care with people we don't really know. Which is all fine. And has to be.

But annoying when you spend all your time earning money so you can pay someone else to look your kids.

That's the bit I like doing. Playing. Being responsible.

Although I call it playing.

On that morning Team Parent (yay!) have to use child care.

Mrs. Amazing has to leave early in the morning, something about adjusting the stars in the sky so that the universe is safe again. Saving the Galaxy level stuff.

And me? Well Mrs. Amazing takes the one and only car (travelling to the stars and back, requires some kind of propulsion). And although the twenty minute walk to Boy's school is definitely possible, for both of us. We're in the UK.

Weather is always an issue...

Boy9: 'It's raining!' <Utter disgust>

Naaa... <Wipes face of water>

Boy9: 'It's REALLY raining!'

Who said that? <Peers through the storm> Oh! Boy9!

It'll be gone in a bit! <Hopes voice carries over the thunder booming all around>

Boy9: 'You're nuts!'

Here... <Puts hat on Boy9> That'll help...

<Cat swims by doing backstroke>

Boy9: <Gives me a filthy look>

Fine... We'll wake for a break in this driz... <Is swept away by rain river>

... <Voice fading> Don't play with my Millennium Falcon...<Almost gone> Ever!!!

It's never a good idea to bet on the weather in the UK.

Good to prepare against it. Good to ignore it and just have the BBQ with a brolly. All good stuff. But bad to bet against it. Even mid-summer me and Boy9 walking to school will eventually end up with a very, very wet Boy9 arriving at school. Ha ha.

Soaked to the bone and with wet books.

Not really a great option.

Plus. And I hadn't forgotten this really (I just wanted to do the storm sketch).

I have BabyBoy2 and Miss6 to get to school as well.

Obv. in the other direction as who would send their children to the same schools. Where's the challenge in that? Far better to divide them across town and make each and every morning a logistical challenge. Much more exciting.

Daily.

<Grumbles off> Damn lack of teleporters....

(Spock: ‘Jim… The firefly problem is far worse than we thought…’)

So really it's breakfast club.

I cannot drop Miss6 at school and simultaneously drop Boy9 at his school. Even with car. Even with a hoover car. And hoover car's rock!

Breakfast club solves that problem. Not freely sadly. But it does.

Mrs. Amazing drops Boy9 at breakfast club on her way to her planetary exit ramp.

And I jog / run / scoot Miss6 and BabyBoy2 to school and nursery.

(Which I love).

But something has changed for Boy9.

Something about breakfast club has changed. Because before he didn't really like going to breakfast club. He said it was boring and none of his mates went.

Which did make it harder to send him, and pay for it. Neither of Team Parent (yay!) want to send Boy9 somewhere he doesn't have fun. But...

Team Parent (yay!) were stuck so he had to go.

However.

A while back the people that ran the breakfast club in the school.

Well the old lot were turfed out...

School Enforcer: 'And take your tiny milks with you!!!' <Shakes fist>

Old Breakfast Club Owner: 'You just wait! They'll miss us!

Old Breakfast Club Owner: 'The kids will be begging for us to come back'

School Enforcer: 'The new lot have Lego and a Foosball table!’

Old Breakfast Club Owner: 'Oh...’

Old Breakfast Club Owner: 'Well… it was nice to have met you. Bye'

Still a change is a risk for a School.

New people. Always a risk. They could loonies that hide it well in interviews.

They could be fans of Bieber.

They could teach everyone the recorder.

They could be evil alien overlords from another planet.

Bet that's never tested for. And frankly it's a real concern.

Recorder playing Beiber fans... <Shudders>

However once Team Parent (yay!) managed to get up.

Stagger downstairs. Retrieve BabyBoy2. Give Miss6 a good listening to. Down a cuppa or ten two.

We spoke to Boy9 about why when normally getting him anywhere is a pitched, scream-a-thon, of lateness, battle.

Why so keen green bean now?

Boy9: 'They've got really cool toys'

<Team Parent (yay!) exchange looks>

Boy9: 'Foosball…'

<Are still not understanding>

Boy9: '… and Lego...'

<Both together ‘Ahhhh’>

Wow! What a difference a few toys can make.

Mainly Lego to be fair. Same building. Same friends. Same basic idea. Somewhere to play and have a breakfast whilst kids wait for school to open. But a few new toysand Boy9 is totally sold on it now.

Good news.

However.

Boy9 was not best pleased at how long it took us to get ready that morning. He expected us to magic out of bed and leave almost instantly. He didn’t really understand why it took us two hours to get ready. The normal amount of time we take.

Boy9 got pretty cross with us. I laughed.

So Team Parent (yay!) sat Boy9 down and explained two little things to him...

1. We're glad you like breakfast club now and are enjoying it. We would rather not have to send you, we would prefer to look after you ourselves. But we have to. If things change and we can look after you ourselves. That's what will happen.

Yay they've Lego.

<High fives>

2. We ain't leaving for breakfast club at 6:30am. Even if they are open.

Run Sleep you fool!

<Shakes fist>

('Maow you fools'

Fools: 'Er... What?'

Gandolf: 'What the cat said'

Fools: '...')

X

A Quick Five Minute Job (Takes Sodding Ages)...

It's amazing anything ever gets done with kids about.

Look at the step in this picture...

(The school shoes were refused...)

Shocking I know.

Sit if you need to. 

Ignore the shoes and Miss5’s foot. That’s another tale.

You’re looking at the step.

I walk over that step a lot.

It's my front door step and I notice it every time. It annoys me.

Despite my want, desire and need to paint it. It still hasn't been done. Something else is always more fun, important, someone has poo in their pants, the flock need feeding again, someone wants to show me something I've seen before, or the chocolate cupboard is just too darn full and there’s full wine bottles cluttering up the counter top.

Nothing bad has happened to the step.

Don’t worry. It's just a few years of innocent wear and tear.

I assume….

What are you doing? <Finds Boy8 near the step>

Boy8: 'Nothing'

Are you scuffing up the porch step? <Reins in anger>

Boy8: 'No' <Hides hands>

Show me your hands

Boy8: 'No' <Drops sand paper>

Is that sand paper? <Plots first date revenge, involving home-made Superman outfit, a bad Swedish accent and Boy8 as Boy1 photo-t -shirt>

Boy8: 'No... Why would I have sandpaper?...' <Has righteous indignation, yet cannot make eye contact>

<Calmly takes sandpaper> Anything else?

Boy8: <Reluctantly hands over paint stripper, blow torch, scuff-coloured paint>

You know this stuff doesn't help me?

Boy8: ‘Yeah' <Laughs> <Runs>

The scruffiness annoys me.

Of the step (mine is fine). It's a chank get-ter-on-ner-rer.

I feel the front door should look nice, even if inside the house is wall to wall kids crap toys and mine  jammed in and stuck to the walls.

The front door, should at least look nice.

(Possibly a bit showy…)

Of course painting the step is only a little job.

Get paint. Sit and paint. Job done. Five minutes maximum. 
Easy. Three simple steps and the job is done. Lovely.

Except it's not that. 
Life isn't like that any more. <WeepsRoars like a Lion>
This one little job... is going take a few days hours...
And have about fifty steps... <Motions to list of steps prepared earlier>

1. Get paint from shed.

2. Remove BabyBoy1 from the dangerous shed as he followed me in.

3. Lock BabyBoy1 out of dangerous shed.

4. Cheer up BabyBoy1 because he really wanted to hurt himself in the dangerous shed, and doesn't understand why Daddy stopped him.

5. Get stopped in kitchen and have to watch Miss5 walk through sunbeams. Faking fascination.

6. Make a cup of tea. Remind Boy8 football is for outside, only.

7. Realise I didn't get anything to open the smegging paint tin with. Swear internally.

8. Get big screwdriver from shed.

9. Remove BabyBoy1 from dangerous shed. Ignore crying this time.

10. Walk off, ignoring guilt of leaving BabyBoy1 crying face down on the ground. He will be fine.

11. Get stopped in kitchen and watch Miss5 spell out (yes watch) three words that are the spelt the same, but if you say them differently then they are spelt differently (??). 

<Puts mind back together>

12. Try to take football off Boy8 but fail and end up knocking something over. Swear internally.

13. Tidy up mess and ignore Boy8's mocking.

14. Finally sit and open paint.

15. Remove paint lid from BabyBoy1's hand as he has stuck up on me and I didn't see him grab for the lid.

16. Take BabyBoy1 to wash his hands.

17. Take BabyBoy1 to Mrs. Amazing for safe keeping.

18. Agree reluctantly happily that sitting in the quiet with a magazine, for sanity reasons, is just as important as painting a scruffy step.

19. Come back with BabyBoy1. Put cartoon on for him. His favourite and mine: 'Sarah and Duck'.

(Sarah: ‘Duck… We’re a bit low on food at the moment…

and there was a vote last night...)

20. Mentally set timer as 'Sarah and Duck's are only five minutes long.

21. Realise tea is cold. Make more tea.

22. Put paintbrush into paint, notice Miss5 standing there.

23. Explain to Miss5 what I am doing. Explain why I am doing it. Twice. Accept that not everyone (Miss5) sees why a step needs painting. Explain why white is the only colour going on here. No rainbows.

24. Get convinced that painting the step orange would very cool and go and see what Mrs. Amazing thinks.

25. Continue painting the step white, whilst reminding Miss5 to keep her ideas to herself.

26. Tell Miss5 to be careful, as the paint is wet.

27. Take Miss5 to wash her hands.

28. Paint over Miss5's hand print.

29. Retrieve paintbrush from BabyBoy1 who has stolen the paint brush and is slowly running away.

30. Put on another 'Sarah and Duck' for BabyBoy1.

31. Sit Miss5 in front of 'Sarah and Duck' as well.

32. Find Boy8 outside looking at paint on the bottom of his shoe.

33. Swear internally. Hit a few coats and hats in the porch.

34. Explain to Boy8 that the paint was wet. Explain why there wasn't a sign and really it's his fault for not looking where he is going.

35. Listen to Boy8 explain why it's my fault and there should have been a sign.

36. Pour all the paint over Boy8's head and then shove the brush up his nose to make myself feel better.

36. Accept that Boy8's has a point, he wasn't warned. But don't tell him that.

37. Paint over shoe mark.

38. Take Boy8 and clean the bottom of his shoe.

39. Return to find every flying animal in twenty square miles has landed on the wet paint. And got stuck.

40. Paint over the fools and try not to feel too cruel, or cackle out loud.

41. Tell ALL children, clearly, the paint is wet and to stay away.

42. Watch as ALL three are drawn towards the wet paint like they are being pulled into a black hole that's handing out chocolate.

43. Hatch a plan to get some quiet time and to give the paint a chance to dry.

44. Wrestle with the ethical consequences of the plan, the inevitable fall out. The price I will have to pay.

45. Accept the price and silently apologise to Mrs. Amazing in advance.

46. Say to kids…

Did you know Mummy is having a few minutes peace and quiet? Upstairs.

Make sure you don’t disturb her...

47. Watch as all three are drawn, like moths to a flame, towards Mrs. Amazing resting.

(Can’t resist... it’s just so ... Must! Must have!!! <Is thrown out of the store>)

48. Paint Step. Sit back and watch paint dry in peace.

49. Ignore sarcastic peace ruining tone from Mrs. Amazing. From upstairs...

Mrs. Amazing: 'Oh I am SO happy to see you ALL'
Mrs. Amazing: 'When I was TRYING to get a few moments PEACE AND QUIET?'

Mrs. Amazing: 'I THOUGHT Daddy was looking after you all?'
<Snigger>

50. Drink cold tea and wonder how best to make this up to Mrs. Amazing.

<Enjoys sun>

X

Dragged Back to Work...

I dread this day of the year.
The day I have to go back to work.
BOOOOO! HISSSS! BOOOOO!

I have not worked now for many many days and it's been brilliant. 
Christmas holiday is my favourite.

It took a supreme effort from myself not to hide under the covers and claim I had contracted a rare, and definitely not fit for work, illness, that has no visible or testable symptoms again.

No. Like the money maker of the family that I am I whimpered and cried until Mrs. Amazing made me get up I leapt out of bed and switched into work gear. Dusted off those long term memories and thoughts I had put on pause at the start of Christmas. 
Tried to remember my password...
Where I worked. Who I worked for... What I do...

Boss: ... So I hope you've had a lovely Christmas and are now keen to get back to work!

<Looks blank>

Boss: Well...

Er...

Well...
I suppose that if I had staff, then that would be how I would greet them back from Christmas 
<Adds> Nice speech <Smiles>

Boss: That is exactly what I am doing. Now.

Oh no there must be some confusion... I don't work here

Mrs. Amazing said I should come here, today, at this time, for something really important

Do you know what that might be?... She didn't say...
<Has sinking feeling>

Boss: <Frowns> You remember where you are don't you?

<Looks about>

... No

Boss: You remember this is your desk?

<Looks at pictures of family>

Nooooo... But that helps explain why you have pictures of my family here

<Un-flicks knife in pocket>

Boss: Do you remember what we pay you do?

Is it Lego based?

Boss: No

Chocolate testing?

Boss: No

Isn't it? Really?

Boss: No

Damn... Pie tester?

Boss: No. Just get to work. Every year it's the same with you

<Boss leaves muttering>

<Calls out> You sure it's not pie? 
I like pie? 
I definitely could do lots of pie work, if you want???...

<Looks about office>

<Is greeted by smiling colleagues>

...

<Runs>

I love Christmas holidays and I save my holiday to make the most it.

All the kids are at home, Mrs. Amazing is home, and the house is full of new toys, cheese, booze, pies and chocolates.

Hell I even love the fairy lights. It makes it feel like there's magic everywhere.

Team Parents (yay!) have weaved their magic for each child and they got… er... enough... let's say, of what they wanted from Santa and as magically as we could manage.

Boy8: What's this?

Argos voucher! Merry Christmas!

It's from both of us!!!

Boy8: It says £1

You are welcome... I mean HO HO HO HO!

<Strokes white beard>

(Right... Are we leaving the hall lights up?)

Yeah I know some people prefer the summer as you can get outside and do stuff.

Being stuck inside on a cold, rainy, winter day with three children is definitely some people's idea of hell. But not me.

Stuck inside with my motley crew is what I choose. I have loved being at home with my family over Christmas. 
Frankly my little monkeys are fun and I like being involved and present in their lives.

Some people love their work and I am very happy for them.

I am. Happy-happy-hap-hap-happy. <Waves flag>

I know some parents look forward to getting back to work, shaking off family life, and getting on with some really adult and grown up stuff.

It's true I've met them. They exist. They're weird.

For me work is never my first choice.

It's fine. My work is fine. There's lots nothing incredibly wrong with it. It's fine. (Yes saying fine three times a row really proves my point).

There's cake sometimes at work. The tea rounds are excellent. I cannot shouldn't complain.

But there are key four things missing from work that would make it brilliant: Mrs. Amazing, Boy8, Miss4 and BabyBoy1. (In your face Cat).

Boy8 has gone back to school.

As he should, and needs to. It was nice to see him back in school uniform. He looks smart in it, even with his t-shirt hanging out, jumper around his waist, scuffed up shoes, combed but still messy hair.

We did expect him to be a bit reluctant to go back to school. But no not a bit of it. He was super keen. He had his new erasers (rubbers) to show off to his mates. And of course all his mates are at school. ALL his mates.

He's still young enough that school is pretty much a big laugh with your mates, with some teaching thrown in. Which is fun teaching anyway.

Plus how can you tell everyone what you got for Christmas from home? SMS.

Honestly if they served tea I'd be back at school with him...

<Sticks up hand>

Teacher: Yes... You... The very old boy... Again

The answer is 42 sir

Teacher: Yes well done Mr. TalesFromTheDadSide... again

<Opens flask and drinks tea>

<Swears at child to left>

<Falls off tiny chair>

Ow

Miss4 has an insect day (yes insect) today.

So she's starts back at school tomorrow. I am sure today she'll be pushed out the door at some point on an insect hunt, which is always a laugh. Yes we could correct her and say it's an inset day, but why would we.

I’ll miss Miss4 a lot. There is no one like her in the entire world (there's a least seventeen Boy8's) anywhere. Even with the grumps.

Her perspective on life so brilliant and fun, it is hard not to want to be in it. She is just fun and crazy at the perfect mix. With a small part banshee thrown in for fun.

No one sits and plays Lego like she does.

As for BabyBoy1.

I have just spend many days in his company day and night. I've got to wake him up, put him down for naps, change his nappies, feed him food, watch him not eat his food, get hit by food. And best of all just sit on the floor and play.

I feel I know him really well at the moment. My ability to understand what his is saying has never been better. And you can only learn these things by being there. Only time with him counts. He is and will always be my cheese thief compadre.

I consider it an honour to have been able to spend so much time with him.

<Salutes>

And I can't wait for my next chance.

He's awesome.

I’ll miss the three of them a lot.

I like playing board games and eating chocolate. I like watching Disney films whilst building Lego. I enjoy chasing BabyBoy1 around the room and then bundling him onto the sofa and then being attacked by the other two, with cushions, and then being jumped on until someone gets hurt (me).

I'll even miss Boy8 flicking my arm during every single damn meal time.

Whole days where all you manage to achieve is brushing your teeth, because you're too busy playing. Well they're golden in my book.

And you know what? All that cool stuff?

Frowned on at work.

Yep very frowned on. Swines.

(And when you're finished playing you make patterns with them, of course...)

I'll also deeply miss being with Mrs. Amazing from sun up to sun down.

Who wouldn't? She's amazing.

But fair play.

There are some, a few, perks of being back at work:

1. I’ll be able to rest. 
Those lot are exhausting. Mentally and physically. Racing each other round the house, dancing, leaping like salmon, triple (!) piggy back rides, can wear a fella down. And crush his knees.

2. There's lots of tea. Hot tea.

The tea rounds at work are probably the best in the world, fast and frequent. Which is just how I like it.<Refuses cheap sex joke>

3. I can go to toilet as and when I like. 

I don't have to ensure everyone little is safe and occupied. No one opens the door to ask what I am doing. Or in the case of BabyBoy1 comes wanting to play.

4. My sanity levels will start to increase.

Kids are wonderful but essentially mad evil geniuses nutters. It starts to rub off on you. I took the kids into town and cared not that Boy8 had stamped a red heart on my forehead.

5. There's no laundry at work.

Which is a real bonus. Even if I really, really, reallllllly wanted to do laundry at work. (I bloody don't) I cannot. Shame. Gutted.

<Shakes fist at sky> DAMN YOU SALAZAR GEOSPATIAL PHYSICS! WHY!!! 

6. I can listen to all the music I love that is full of swears and rock and roll references.

But really, these huge perks aside, I know deep down in my heart where I would rather be.

Sat in front of the fire watching a film, starting our nineteenth board game, whilst trying to convince BabyBoy1 to spit out the dice.

(How he get all those in there? ... Where's my phone?)

But don't worry about me. Don't.

I have a special plan that I use to ease me back into work life. Soften the blow as it were.
I am taking a entire Stilton wheel into work.
I am going smuggle BabyBoy1 in and hide in my desk.

Each year at work they give us a chocolate advent calendar. Which is nice. Preaching to the addicted and all that. So when I break up for Christmas I purposely hide it under my desk and don't take it home. I resist it, knowing there's plenty at home. My other advent calendar for starters.

I leave my work one there so that when I am dragged get back to work. There's quite a few doors left unopened...
... And I can just tear into it.
Or...! I can just slowly eat them, slowly, throughout the day.
Slowly.

<9:03 all chocs gone>

<Feels sick>
<Gets out Stilton wheel from bag...>