Finally... Miss6 Arrives!

It seems Miss5 has been around for ages.

But she's finally been stretched a bit, stuffed full of information and knowledge, and sadly been given a jaw-bone-speed upgrade.

Miss6 has arrived!

<Whoops, hollers, fires gun in the air>

<Gets arrested as guns are illegal where I live>

How's it feel to be six then?

Miss6: 'Good'

Yeah? How so?

Miss6: 'I get proper Lego now' (Not Duplo)

That is good for all of us. Anything else?

Miss6: 'I can dance brilliantly'

Let's see...

<Dances like a Tazmanian Devil possessed by me during Come on Eileen Michael Flatley>

I'm speechless... My moves! You thief!

Miss6: 'My bedtime is a lot later!'

No it's not. And it never will be until you stay in bed until 6:30am <Gives look>

Miss6: 'Oh'

Not 5:30am!...

You can read now! That's good...

Miss6: 'Oh yeah...' <Doesn't really care> 'I can do this too...' <Blinks weirdly>

Oh... Is that helpful? More so than reading?

Miss6: <Shrugs>

Any Superpowers yet?

Miss6: 'The blinking?'

So... no.

<Both a bit disappointed>

I’ll tell you one good thing about being six?

Miss6: 'Yeah'

Well I don't flatten you quite so badly when I bundle you now...

Miss6: 'Yeah heh heh... No! Wait!’

Miss6: <Is bundled>

Six is still fine.

I'm not worried yet. Six is still young and sweet. Six is still finding about the world.

Six is still learning from all around you. Six is not a concern. Six is lovely.

I'll worry about the future when it rocks up.

Especially as my main job right now. What I must be doing for Miss6, right now.

As I see it.

Is setting a high standard of men for her...

<Straightens Mickey Mouse tie>

<Wipes mud off work trainers>

<Puts down Lego>

<Bursts into song with actions>

<Manages to contain self for a ten seconds minute>

<Bursts into song with actions>

And no.

I am not worrying about standards for her picking a mate. Marriage etc.

I believe that is going to have very little to do with me. As it should.

Team Parent (yay!) may end paying for stuff. And I may end mumbling through a speech. Which I may have already been working on for six years.

No.

I am instead thinking of the man standard I would like Miss6 to use to evaluate every man she meets. Yeah... that standard.

<Crumples from the pressure>

I want Miss6 to meet men and make the big decisions herself.

Twit or not?

Shields up or down?

Sexist or human?

Berk or Outcast Island?

Sane or fun?

Marvel or DC?

Wars or Trek?

Bow or Sword?

Cake or Bacon? (both Obv.)

Wang or Wang-Ker?

Smegger or dude?

(Really? ... No mentioned this! CRAAAAAP!)

So six is fine.

Now. It may not come across in what I write.

But I find it hard not to get all squishy when writing about Miss5. (There’s a lot I edit out).

She is my only little girl. Which makes her special+ to me. Boys I've loads of (two).

But daughters I have but one.

And she’s amazing to me. And quite, quite, mad magic.

Obv. Don't tell her any of this.

She'll be unbearable...

Miss5: 'You think I'm magic' <Is dancing around me>

Whatev's! When you're quiet... Which never happens!...

Miss5: 'You think I'm amazing' <Now just doing death-attack-poses around me>

There's moments, sometimes... They pass... I can recall NONE right now...

Miss5: 'Really? Oh no!' <Tears well up and she slinks to the floor>

Oh don't cry shop girl I'm only joking around. I do think you're amazing and magic...

Miss5: <Pops up with beaming smile and more dance moves> 'You think I'm magic! You think I'm amazing!

Also I've learnt loads from Miss5.

Miss5 has shown me the world through her eyes. It's very different. It's been mental.

There's a lot pigeonholing-condescending-glass-ceiling-making-sexist-smeggers out there.

I'm ashamed to say I hadn't really seen them all until now.

But Miss5 has made them stand out for me...

Miss6: 'This one' <Points>

You sure?

Miss6: 'Yep. He believes that only women cook'

What an utter bottom head snot face!

Miss6: <Giggles>

More cake?

Miss6: <Is already eating>

Nor have I ever noticed there were so many colours in the world.

How is that the wrong red? It's red?

Miss5: <Head shake> 'See, I meant this red!' <Show me two identical crayons>

Oh yeah... Very different… <Is lying>

And I’ve always believed that telling a story is a finite thing.

No so with Miss5. No so.

Why end the story? Because the listener has expired.

Why restrict yourself to point as well?

I've so much to learn.

Anyhoo...

Miss4 was magic. Miss5 rocked.

Miss6, I imagine, is going to be even more awesome, magic and rocky.

<Crosses fingers>

(What you drawing Miss6?

… <Looks>...

Hang on!… these are the Death Star plans?

<Is hit over the head and knocked out>)

As normal. I'll avoid a puke inducing-gush-list about Miss5.

And instead here's some stuff you probably didn't know...

1. Miss5 stopped claiming all farts

<Weeps>

Miss4 did. It was great. Really helpful.

But Miss5 did not. Shame. She has been less fart-karmically enlightened this year.

Instead Miss5 does shifty eyes when questioned on nearby smells.

Which is hilarious. Just like her Dad...

<Does shifty eyes>

<Regrets the shift eyes as have now put doubt on my parentage>

<Looks for receipt>

2. Team D is the greatest team ever

I've worked really hard over the last year to bond more with Miss5.

It seems to have worked. <Fist pumps>

And Team D - Daddy & Daughter - frikkin' rock...

<Whispers to Miss5> Team D - Best team ever!!!...

Mrs. Amazing: 'What was that? Better than Team Parent (yay!)?'

Noooo! Team Parent (yay!) is my fav...

Mrs. Amazing: 'Fine!' <Leaves making sure I notice how un-fine it is>

Boy9: <Appears looking hurt> 'I thought Team Ninja-Nerf-Minecraft-Wars was your favourite?'

IT IS! Well...

BabyBoy2: <Hugs my leg> 'SAM!'

Yes I love Fireman Sam too matey!... Dude... <Is in trouble and knows it>

Miss5: <Is doing the Team D dance, third movement>

You're not helping you know!

3. Miss5 rhymed a lot

Miss5 loves to rhyme. Miss5 cloves to clime.

Like that. It's my fault because I join in and probably start it. <Does shifty eyes>

It's become a way for us to talk now. A way for us to malk now.

It's kinda of hard to stop - hard to pop - once you get going - punce you get mowing.

I blame that 'step on a crack marry a bat' rhyme. Despite it’s wiseyness and educational value.

We just expanded it. Perpanded it a bit. In a Miss5 way.

Obvs. it's hella funny. But it does have it's dangers. Have it's crangers.

So from experience, meriance, here is my lost of words to avoid: Duck, gunner, plank, armpit,  bunting and parcel.

Yeah... really didn't hear the bunting one coming...

4. Miss5 hides a lot

In fact she loves to hide. Especially when I am trying to get her to do something. Brush teeth. Brush hair. Get dressed. Leave for school. Off she darts into the next room and then BANG! she's gone. Well SILENCE! she's gone.

Normally midway through me talking.

Under the bed, behind a door, under a desk, in a cupboard, behind a chair. In a tiny nook no one else could get into.

She is small and can squeeze into tiny places. And with all that hair as camouflage.

Miss5 can be like an mimic octopus (see ‘Octonauts and the mimic Octopus’)

One minute she’s there...

WHERE ARE YOU? <Is amazed>

Miss5: 'I'm here!'

WHERE? <Starts swishing the air with hands>

Miss5: 'Here!'

I Can't see you! ARRGHGGHGHH! Who's flicking my tummy!

Miss5: <Morphs out of the surroundings predator stylie> 'Me Daddy!'

<Covers self in mud>

<Is a teeny bit scared>

5. Miss5 can swim 10m

Without doubt. This is the single greatest thing I've done all year.

I helped teach Miss5 to swim. And she got her 10m badge. We did that together. Me and her.

I'm hella proud of her (and me). Swimming with Miss5 very quickly became a huge highlight of my week. I can't believe I ever let anyone else do it.

LET ALONE PAY THEM TO DO IT! DOH!

I'm not even good at it. I'm not. I try. But who cares, we have such fun! Just us two.

It's hella special.

6. Miss5 has picked a favourite Queen song

Some people agonise over this choice for years.

I do. Some never settle on a tack.

'Don't Stop Me Now' is where I'll normally settle. And then change my mind.

But at the young age of five. Miss5 made a choice. It's a big choice. A complex choice.

She’s gone with ‘Killer Queen’.

I'm hella scared, it's like she's warning us all already, ARGHGHGGH RUN FOR THE HILLS HELL HARPIE ON THE LOOSE impressed.

Bye Miss5.

It was delightful (if not a tad emotional... see this <Shudders>).

I was a real honour. Ya loon.

(You got the wallets?

Miss6: ‘Obvs!’

Good girl! <Runs too>)

[Is putting Miss6 to bed after a lovely birthday]

How's it feel being six then?

Miss6: 'I liked being five...' <Is a bit grumpy about it>

You did rock it

<We fist bump and da-da-da-daaaa>

I'm sure six will be even more fun <Crosses fingers>

Miss6: <Looks doubtful>

Imagine all the new, crazy, games and things we'll be able to do, together, now you're six!

Miss6: <Imagines it>

I KNOW! Night!

<Runs off to make dangerous plans>

X

Bye Bye Purple Man...

Prince died the other day, at 57.

In cricketing terms: not a bad innings but everyone would have liked to see him bat on, at least until after the mid-afternoon sandwiches and pint sinking drinks. Ready for the evenings play.

In real terms: Sad news. A loss.

I'm quite gutted at the passing of Prince.

He was an amazing guitarist, singer, a brilliant songwriter and a very unique individual. 

And now he's gone from the world which is never a good thing. I like those kind of people in the world. I like them to stay. The more the merrier.

People like Prince can really put some colour and sparkle into life. 

People like Prince scream to world, it's fine to be yourself.

Even if yourself is a sex and purple obsessed loon genius.

('Rows 1 & 2... my room later... bring friends')

"Dearly beloved

We are gathered here today

To get through this thing called life

Electric word life, It means forever and that's a mighty long time

But I'm here to tell you, there's something else

The after world..."

If the funeral didn't start like that, I will be sodding sorely disappointed.

It was Purple Rain that I fell in love with.

The album obv. I'm old. I have vinyled.

There's nine tracks of magic on there. Which considering there are only nine tracks on the album, is pretty good going. Not a single dud. 

Compare that to a Bieber album...

<Plays opening bar of first track on Bieber album>

Dud <Skips on>

Dud <Skips on>

Dud <Skips> Dud <Skips> Dud <Skips> Dud <Skips> Dud <Skips>

Ooo... hang on... yeah... this isn't so ba <Beiber starts singing>

Dud <Skips to the end throws CD out of window>

<Hits flying rat seagull, is fine with that>

But Prince meant more to me than just his music (and his music meant a lot).

As a young man (me, not Prince). I wasn't very tall (I was short) and I wasn't very sexually switched on (all the high scores were mine <Does dramatic voice> Allllllllllll...).

I felt my height and appearance were not really going to cut it with the ladies (A.K.A. girls equally terrified of being 13-16 with similar worries and concerns). 

Prince however, pointed out that maybe my understanding of the world, and what is considered attractive. Was utter crap. 

Not in person obv. Through the tele.

To my young eyes he was pure sexual attraction. 

He oozed it. As though it was poured into him every night, and repainted on every morning.

I watched him on Top of the Pops dressed in his velvet suits, surrounded by the tall beautiful talented woman in his band. He stood there singing brilliantly, basically making love to his guitar on stage, singing in falsetto. And everyone loved him for it.

Especially the ladies.

And ladies were very much on my mind at that time.

(He did the Batman music.... OMFB!)

"Six o'clock already

I was just in the middle of a dream"

<Leaps out of bed>

Stop pulling on my eyelids and asking me if I wanna make a snowman!!!

<Miss5 looks guilty>

Of course I bloody do!

Miss5: 'Yay!'

But not at 6am <Gets back into bed>

<Gets eyelids pulled>

Now, looking back.

I wish I had thought more about the ladies in the band it. There was Prince proving to a young-me that it wasn't height and appearance that made the man. A key young-me worry. 

The lesson was there right in front of my eyes. Shame I ignored it.

It takes me ages to learn that lesson, and was largely done by Mrs. Amazing's reluctant acceptance and the need for someone that could wire the stereo love.

Yet there it was, right in front of me, very early on in my life, a brilliant lesson that would have saved me hours of pain and worry.

Why didn't I absorb it?

Because... No idea. Sorry.

I can only guess. It's probably because at that time in the universe, in my world. I was surrounded by uber MEN! BIG MEN! TALL MEN! STRONG MEN! You had to run fast, be fast, hit hard. GRRRRR.

Men that hated purple. Men that are manly men. It was everywhere on the tele, computer games, school, adults.

Everywhere the message was simple. Men are big and strong.

And big men get the girls.

Unless you are Prince (5'2" apparently).

I've read many times, from various sources (twice), that he didn't give a crap that his height was considered low by some. It wasn't a worry for him.

And why would it be? It's only a comparative measurement. Seems dumb when you put it that way.

Also his sense of style should have marked him out as loony to be avoided at all costs. But somehow he made it work.

I can't help but compare him to David Bowie. The decks were stacked greatly against them both and yet they managed to make it work for them, in similar, but wildly different ways. 

And both to an amazing level of achievement and recognition.

To me that is bacon impressive, hell, that's bacon pie impressive.

(‘What’s my name?’

‘ALL: We don’t know, it is impossible to pronounce’

‘Ah yeah’ <Grinds>)

I hope my children have people like that in their lives as they grow up.

Not Bieber. I suppose... that person could be me.

I've left it a little late for the music career thing, and the god-like guitar skills.

But you know, I like a challenge.

The unique dress sense may be a bit trickier. As at present I seem to be sporting clothes from ten years ago - The Essential Dad Range 2016 or 2006 or  1996.

And Mrs. Amazing may be pretty pissed when she meets my band...

This is Jenny, Tracey, Britney and Jane. But everyone simply calls her 'Shagger'... she plays bass

Mrs. Amazing: <Looks about> I hate you all Nice to meet you all...

Mrs. Amazing: 'They need to leave now, of course'

But they're my band!

<Gets a look>

Yeah... OK... I know... Come on girls, dream's over.

Back to welding and dancing in barns for the lot of you

My children are likely to look similar to me.

That's just the way genetics works, I can't be blamed for it.

Sure they might be big and strong and play for the England Woman's rugby team (Miss5 that is). But the odds are against it.

The odds are they will go through the same worries and fears I did. But in there own way. Obv.

So I hope there is someone like Prince out there for them all and they learn the lessons I didn't.

I hope somewhere in the nasty world of mass media they can see, loudly and brightly, someone not physical huge, not the standard model, not looking like everyone else, just doing it their own way.

Basically like Frank, but in purple.

"You don't have to be rich, to be my girl"

How much you got in your purse?

Mrs. Amazing: 'A few quid...'

Oh... That's what I've got...

Mrs. Amazing: 'How about the kids share some chips, a hot chocolate, and...  and... we can share a cuppa'

Good plan <Gives a kiss>

<Steals a lot of chips>

As for Prince.

I know some of his music will be remembered for a long time. Because its awesome. 

And probably his style and personality too. That's what happens when you're that special and talented.

Everyone remembers what you did.

For me Prince's greatest song will always be 'When Doves Cry' (with Purple Rain a close second).

Lyrically, poetically, and awesome-grinding-sextastic-guitar-lead rockingly, I consider that song to be one of the greatest of all time. Really.

The words speak directly in my mind and heart and say it's OK, we've all been there.

Also there's no bass line. Really no, bass line. Next time you're boogieing-on-down to it, have a listen. No bass line there. He did that on purpose (apparently). How the smeg do you make a song that funky and cool, but have no bass line?

Beyond genius.

"Why do we scream at each other"

Because you're annoying we're family
"This is what it sounds like when doves cry"
Damn right it does, and that's neither good nor bad. It's just the way it is

<Does dove shadow puppets attacking each other>

<Then doves get it on and feathers start flying>

<In tribute to Prince obv.> 

I'm gonna leave you with, not what I thought I was going to leave you with.

Which was going to be fifteen minutes of Purple Rain (here) awesomeness and lead guitar perfection.

No. On the day of Prince's death my little brother sent me this saying it was utterly brilliant and amazing. He was dead right ruining a lifetimes run.

Just watch how Prince owns the stage, the crowd, the guitar, the suit, those collars, himself... amazing.

Bye bye purple man and thank you for everything.

X (with tongues)

(If the stupid embedded video isn't working, click here)