Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).
X

3 February 2016

Bye Miss4... HELLO Miss5!!!

Miss4 has turned into Miss5. By magic.

It is was inevitable it is your destiny to be honest, she's been Miss4 for ages.
Years.

How's it feel to be five?
'Oh brilliant, very cool' <Nods a lot>
Oh yeah? How so?
'Well I'm five tall now' <Stands on tiptoes>
Yeah? Is that much taller than, let's say... yesterday?
'.. suppose not...' <Come off tip of toes>
'... But I am five strong now'
<Shows me her muscles>
<Looks> ... What are we looking at?
<Points> 'There'
<Looks harder>Where?
<Points> 'There!!!'
<Strains to see>
Oh yes! <Lies> I see!
'Told you. FIVE strong!'
You sure did. Very cool.
'...'
...
'Can I drive the car now I'm five?'
Nope
'Can I stay up late and watch violent Boy8's cartoons?'
Yeeee-Nooo
'Can I watch Star Wars Episode III?'
Nope
'Do I still have to go to school?'
Yes... and for quite some time
'Till I'm six?'
Yes, maybe even longer <Refrains for mentioning the ghastly truth>
'Am I old enough to light the fire now'?
No. But you can pass me logs and crumple paper
<Is unimpressed>
'Do I get any Super Powers at five?'
Try jumping through that wall
<Splat>
Ha ha! Seems not
Nope
'...'
'WHAT DO I GET AT FIVE THEN???'
<Thinks, but has no ideas>
... Show me that muscle again...
'This one?' <Points>
Oh yeah, Ooooo! That's big! You must be very strong…
'Five Strong actually'
Indeed
OO! I just thought of one thing you do get at five!
'Wot?'
<Gives a five hug>

I have seen on other blogs and websites that it is quite customary to write a gushing and frankly puke inducing list of things that you love about your child once, and whence, and whencever (all real words) they have a birthday.
I did contemplate writing a 'gusher' as it were. And I could.
But then I thought naaaa... No one wants to read that.
Miss5 (née Miss4) knows I love her.

Instead I thought I'd write a list of all the things the-artist-formally-known-Miss4 is and does that I think makes unique and rock quite so hard.
Essentially, a list of reasons why I would want to hang out with Miss4 in the pub library...

1. Miss4 claims all farts
If someone farts, and no one apologises or owns up, Miss4 will put up her hand and say she did it.
Even if she didn't.
Karmic-ally speaking that is mind blowing. What an amazing selfless gesture. On the road to inner peace she is already working out which exit she needs to take. What a star.
Try it yourself next time, take someone else's fart shame.
We should all do that.

2. Sweets
Miss4 shares her sweets with everyone around her, until they are gone.
She doesn't make a fuss. She just shares. Even if they are just for her, or it's a tiny bag of sweets. She shares.
In fact Miss4 will hunt you down and offer you a sweet. Which considering her little legs and the million stair gates we have through our house, is no mean feat for her.
It's not as though she doesn't like sweets, she loves them. But she wants to share them more than she wants to eat them all. What a weirdo. I've literally no idea where she's learnt this from. Me and Mrs. Amazing share, we do. But we are firm believers in 'snooze you lose', or 'be upstairs when the sweets are opened, get no sweets', or 'if you're not hiding in the cupboard with us whilst we eat all the sweets, you get none'.
Imagine Miss4 (in years to come obv.) in the pub, coming to find you, just to make sure you've got a drink. Blinding!

3. The need to rock
Despite loud noises hurting her teeny ears. Miss4 understands and appreciates the need to rock.
More specifically, Miss4 understands my need to rock, whilst driving.
The other day we got in the car and Muse, who do very much rock, were playing. Miss4 was in the front with me and the music was lovely guitar crunchy rock. 
Only it came on at a sensible volume. Ew. I left it that way as I didn't want to blast Miss4 with loud music. I need not have worried.
Whilst I drove off, Miss4 leant forward to the CD player, pressed and held the volume button until it hit suitable gurning volume.
Then with a smile, Miss4 sat back, put her fingers in her ears and we rocked out together.

(And now... Row, row, row your boat )

4. It's her world and we are but guests in it
I utterly love this about Miss4.
Miss4 doesn't need my approval, or yours, or Mrs. Amazings, or Boy8s. She'd like it, don't get me wrong, she loves fitting in. She likes being part of a team. She loves to get praise just like everyone else. 
But she won't pretend to enjoy something just to please you. If you're doing something she doesn't want to do, then she'll move on. None of this waiting and hoping crap.
You wanna play ball? I wanna play Lego. You play ball. I'm playing Lego.
You want into her world? And you do, then it's on her terms.
She does not exclude or ignore, she isn't mean and she isn't cold. She will happily play your game, do your challenge, be with you. But the moment she's not having fun, or she's bored. Your time is up.
It's her world and we are but guests in it.

5. Pom pom
Miss4 loves pom-poms. Little balls of string that you can glue to stuff. Lovely.
But for her it beyond that. She loves the words pom-pom too. In fact she uses it quite often as we talk.
How was your day?
'Pom-pom'
What did you have for lunch
'Chicken and pom-pom'
Did you do any sticking today, stick down any small balls of string?
Yes <Grins>

6. Miss4 is a master builder
I consider myself creative. 
And thus blessed / cursed with a good imagination.

Mrs. Amazing: 'What shall we do today?'
Let's invent a mega-fast-drive and fly to America, I will dress as an orange penguin and we can sneak onto George Lucas's ranch. Once on the ranch I will steal four horses, convince them through a new found horse whispering ability, that they want partake with me in a horse-penguin extravaganza show to grab Georges attention. As George watches, you swoop in and wow him with your youness, George befriends us, and we all fly about galaxy in the Falcon!
'... orrrr... we could visit your Mum for lunch?'
Yeah... we could do that instead...
My idea sounded more fun though
<Is a little huffy>
‘And nuts’
‘Maybe next week’ <Pats me on head>

I seem to have two LEGO modes. 
I can either allow my O.c.D. tendencies to rise up, like a big careful and precise monster, and follow the instructions TO THE LETTER! As the Lego Gods intended, ultimately tearing myself apart as I fail to achieve the perfection I strive.
Or I can don my snowboard, gloves, lipsill, and really head off off-piste. And build mad crap. Lego constructions without reason or use or logic. And whilst I consider the mad crap I make to be of highest... er... crapness madness.
I am but a student to Miss4's Lego creative master.
She builds with heart and soul.

(How long did that take you?... Two minutes… Shiiit)



But that's not the brilliant bit. The brilliant bit is that through her surreptitious use of the phrase pom-pom whilst I we singing along to songs, she can reduce me to tears of laughter. There is somewhere inside my little girl, a comedic genius lurking.
As always with comedy, it's the timing she does so well...

[John Lennon's - Imagine plays, I sing along]
“Imagine there's no heaven”
“It's easy if you try”
“No hell below us”
“Above us only...”
<Shouted from the back> 'POM-POM'
“Imagine all the people living for today”
<Giggles from the back>
<The seriousness and gravity of the lyrics are utterly undermined, I crack up, and end up laughing through the rest of the song>
<Mrs. Amazing gets in the car to find me and Miss4 dying of laughter to John Lennon's Imagine>
<Mrs. Amazing ignores us>

7. Miss4's favourite is not me
It's Mrs. Amazing. I know it. You know it. We all know it. BabyBoy1 knows it.
Miss4 is not subtle in her Team Parent (yay!) preference either. The t-shirt and matching hat are hurtful, even Daddies like hugs sometimes.
But it is fine. Being second to Mrs. Amazing is not a bad place to be. And those two do seem to have things in common, that I do not. Physical things. They both have long hair.
At present I find I have to work hard to win Miss4's love at the moment, and whilst that sucks on many, many levels, and really I wish Miss4 would be more Daddy friendly. We do have our moments.  
And there is one very clear silver lining to this. Miss4 has learnt, already, just how much she is worth to me and she uses it merciless against me. At only four, Miss4 understands her self worth better than most adults I know.
Long may it reign Miss4.

8. Miss can be as fierce as hell
I think other tales on here will explain how fierce you are better than I will now LINK.
But I will add this.
When Miss4 ripped her curtains, and rail, from the wall, pulling the raw plugs out too, when she did that at bedtime in anger and defiance because she didn't like the nice butterflies stickers on your wall.
All of a sudden.
That night, after I had calmed down and screamed into a pillow for a bit, had quite a few cups of tea, eaten a whole chocolate bar, bitched about how long it was going to take me to re-drill the holes for her curtain rail. After all that joy. It was then that I released just how fierce, spirited and full of fire you really are.
I am so bloody proud of you.

9. Nose picking
My rule is you can pick your nose as long as no one else sees. Which I think is fair.
Fingers fit nostrils for a reason.
Miss4 accepts this rule, and now hides under a blanket or duvet, so I can’t see. Whilst she picks her nose. 
Genius.


(Bye Miss4... You were magic!)


[Is putting Miss5 to bed after a lovely birthday]
Can I have big five year old hug?
<Asks because Miss5 does not want to be hugged sometimes><But hates having to>
'NO'
<Internal tears nearly start, but gets a grip, and instead thinks>
Then can I have... a big four year old hug?
'Yes'
<Secretly gives a five hug>


Want new Tales send to your inbox?