Maintaining the Magic

Yeah I know. It's November.
Christmas is bloody ages away...

'If you start prattling on about Christmas now, before December even starts, I may have to beat to death with a packet of salted peanuts'

Why salted?

'I will assault you'

Oh... 

That's more of a verbal joke you know, doesn't really work written down...

<Gets hit by peanuts>

(BANG! <Explodes from excitement>)

I get it, I feel the same.

Christmas and December are one and the same. Like Spidey and Venom, symbiotically joined, but with less murderous revenge stuff and spandex.

From the 1st of December to 31st of December I, indeed all of Team Parents (yay!), eat (a lot), drink (more so), and make very merry at Christmas.

I We love it.

However making sure BabyBoy1 has a brilliant second Christmas, and making sure Miss4 has brilliant possibly life defining memory of her 4th Christmas, AND making sure Boy8 has a brilliant Christmas and gets all the stuff he has gone on about for the last few months... Well, doing that takes a huge amount of magic and quite a bit of sober forward planning.

We've got to do what?

'Look... I know you hate planning ahead'

<Nods> I do... I hate it

'But basically... we have to'

'Or we'll spend most of the run up to Christmas crazy busy, every single evening, not being able to eat, drink and be merry!'

'And you know how much I like to eat drink and be merry at Christmas!' 

<Slams fist on the table>

<Is scared>

OK… OK… Fine...

<Clicks on kettle>

We can plan stuff... before December starts...

Good!

<Pulls out three different planning folders>

Urghh... when did it come to this? <Speaks to the universe in general>

When did we become so damn grown up?

<Shudders>

I'm going to need a shower

It's strange having three children to do Christmas for.

BabyBoy1 is still a bit young for Christmas. He tends to eat wrapping paper. He's got the idea that you need to unwrap the present, but he is still a bit fluxed about then opening what's inside. Wrapping paper is too much fun and tasty.

And to be fair, pretty much everything, still amaze him. He doesn't need expensive presents, he's still happy with a wooden spoon. Happy days.

I imagine he will find all the presents, tree in the house stuff, a bit weird.

Still he'll love all the family being around.

And me at home to play with.

Miss4 is prime Christmas age. She utterly believes everything she's told, hasn't succumb to the dark-side of Christmas, and her nativity plays are still sweet as hell. When it comes to Christmas Miss4 just wants some cool stuff to play with. And, fair play to her, don't we all.

She is definitely aware that come December 25th brilliant and awesome things will start happening. Just she's not quite sure what.

This is the first year she has put in some requests for the big guy as well. I think she is just checking to see if he does indeed deliver.

Boy8 is basically a poster child for Christmas.

He loves it heart and soul, and as he's the oldest, he has had the most Christmas magic thrown at him by Team Parents (yay!). But it did occur to me, that I was his age, eight, when the sad, unwanted, stupid penny, about Christmas, dropped for me.

I remember crying about it on my mums lap. I hated the embarrassment that I was the last (so I felt) to realise at school and that I'd fought tooth and nail just that morning about it with everyone. -Captain Cool I was.

I imagine that's going to happen to Boy8 too. He fights his corner without rhyme or reason like me. I wish I could save him that pain.

(My heart... I ate a penny... It’s just gone into my heart…)

But also... I don't want to.

I have no anger at my parents about them basically telling me whoppers for years. Everyone was in on it, big brothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents. A whole big family conspiracy. The swines.

A bit of me does question the morality of basically fibbing to Boy8... But on the other hand, Christmas is brilliant and you get awesome presents.

It's a difficult one to call.

It could well be Boy8's last Christmas where the magic is earth shatteringly awesome, and he comes running to tell us how Father Christmas has eaten all the pie, chocolate, cake, and drank every last drop of Jack Daniels, that was left out.

Soon, some mate/enemy/twonk will tell him some 'facts' about Christmas that will un-weave the magic spell Team Parents (yay!) have worked so darn hard to weave over the last eight years.

But when that does happen, I am sure there will be a few million thousand photos and reams of videos to remember it all by, and weep at.

But that's fine, things do tend to change, I've noticed. Best to run into the new stuff, and not try and hide in the old for too long. It can get smelly.

Anyway...

Miss4 is years away from even getting slightly suspicious, and BabyBoy1 has only just started down his Christmas road. Team Parents (yay!) get to weave some Christmas magic for a while longer. YAY!

Plus, I have my suspicions, that should Boy8 work something out... He may not say anything to us, anyway. If the boat you're on is loads of fun, and they keep handing out presents... 

Why rock it?

[Am sneaking into bedrooms late at night, bit drunk, delivering]

[Mrs. Amazing is on lookout]
<Whispers> 'Make sure you're very quiet'

<Whispers> What?

[CREAK]

<Whispers> 'Make sure you're very quiet'

<Quiet voice> What? I can't hear a word you're saying?

[CREAK]

<Hissing whisper> 'I just said... make sure you're very quiet'

<Quiet voice> I can't <Inaudible swears> hear you

<Hissing whisper> ‘It doesn't matter’

<Sighs quietly>

[CREAK] [CREAK] [CREAK] [CREAK]

<Stands in front of Mrs. Amazing looking chanked>

What. Did. You say?

'I was just telling you to be quiet'

<Pauses>

I knew that!

<Goes back in delivering, muttering>

[CREAK]

<Whispers> 'Good luck!'

<Whispers> What?

...

(Best decoration… Ever!)

7 Phrases That Have Changed Meaning Since Kids

Phrase 1: You want another drink(booze)?

This used to always be followed by a ‘yes please’. Now I either have to abstain and be sensible (urgh) or it's a rare night off and I drink like a dehydrated camel.

‘You want another drink?’

No thanks I want a lot of drink

‘Oh go on... ’

I can't, I have all three kids tomorrow, on my own

‘You can…’

They get up at 6 ready to play

‘What? AM?’

<Nods>

‘Ooooo that's harsh’

‘You realise it's 4AM?’

Is it?

<Grabs bottle and just starts chugging>

‘Down it you zulu warrior!’

‘Down it you zulu king, king, king...’

<Regrets nothing>

(Just one more beer then..)

Phrase 2: You look tired

This used to mean that one (I know posh or wot!) looked a little tired. It now means that one of us looks like the living dead and probably needs to sleep until the next big bang.

‘You look tired’

Do I?

‘Yeah. You eyes are all puffy’

<Touches eye-suitcases>

‘Your skin is pale and you're yawning all the time’

<Yawns>

‘Plus....’

‘We’re stood in the women's lingerie section and you haven't made a single joke, blushed, suggested anything for me, and you’re not walking funny’

<Yawns>

Yeah, sure, here's some money, get the kids something too


Phrase 3: We’re out of milk

When did milk become so important? Really when? Madness.

[Before kids]

We’re out of milk!

‘Oh no how will we make our tea?’

What about your breakfast muesli?

‘It’s a disaster!’

Beer? Health juice?

‘Yeah'

[After kids]

We’re out of milk! BabyBoy1 needs milk, Miss4 needs milk, Boy8 needs milk

What the hell are they going to live on for the day!

<Runs to the shops and finds last carton of milk being taken>

I'll give you £10 for that last carton of milk

‘£20’

How about... £10 and 24 pence and you can have my Darth Vader key ring fob

‘DEAL!’

<Takes milk>

<Beats seller with milk carton until he gives back Darth Vader key fob>

<Runs>

(Worth a beating)

Phrase 4: You've got something on you

I used to be clean and well presented, enough, when out and about. Now however, if a top only has one milk stain on it, that one’s for weddings.

‘You’ve got something on you’

Have I? <Not even remotely surprised>

If it’s white it’s milk

‘It’s not white’

Creamy white? Could be puke

‘Not creamy white’

Is it greenish? That could be snot and puke and milk all mixed together

‘It’s not green’

‘It’s brown’

Oh that’ll be chocolate, don’t worry

<Wipes fingers and rubs of mark>

<Realises it wasn’t chocolate>

I have to go…

<Leaves scrubbing tongue>


Phrase 5: You want a smoke?

NOOOO!!!!!

Why would you even ask me? In FRONT OF MY KIDS?

I've never smoked. EVER. It's for suckers.

‘You were smoking yesterday’

Ix nay <Does 'Shut Up' eyes>

‘Fine...’

‘… but you still owe me ten smokes for yesterday’

<Panics>

WHO THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU???

PERVERT!

<Punches best friend, since age 4, in the face>

WE ARE LEAVING!

<Leaves with kids>

<Runs back, leans down, and whispers in mates ear>

See you this evening

‘Yeah... OK…’ <rubs face>

One more for appearances

HOW VERY DARE YOU!!!

<Kick kick kick>

Phrase 6: What shall we eat tonight?

I miss being able to eat what I want. It was nice.

<Sobs>

[Before kids]

Italian? Mexican? Japanese

‘Ooo I love sushi’

‘Steak house?’

Nice

‘Chinese? French? Indian?‘

Let’s flip a many sided coin and then eat at all of them

[After kids]

‘Boy8 won’t eat pasta, rice or potatoes, unless they’re chips or roasted’

That rules out Italian and Chinese...

‘Miss4 will only eat vegetables and pasta’

That rules out Steakhouse, and Chinese again

‘BabyBoy1 can’t have anything too spicy or raw‘

And that rules out Japanese and Indian

Pizza?

‘Despite liking all the component parts, Boy8 won’t eat pizza the smegger’

Fish and Chips?

‘They never eat the fish’

So… sandwiches in the park?

‘Again?’

Let’s make it special, let’s have ham AND cheese

‘Deal!’

Phrase 7: Fancy an early night?

‘Fancy an early night?’

DO I? YEAH!!!

<Runs off and comes back with candles, romantic CD (AC/DC’s Back In Black), snacks, and cups of tea>
READY!

‘For what? What’s all that stuff for?’

<Notices Mrs. Amazing has more clothes on to go to bed than a moment>

Er… You said early night…

<Sense of disappointment grows>

‘Yeah… Because I’m so tired, cream-crackered in fact!’

haha <Fake laughs>

<Tosses romantic crap out of the window>

‘Why are you naked?’

I lost my clothes… on the stairs

‘That’s weird...’

Yeah… I thought it would save time… <Mumbles>

‘OK… Night!’

‘Zzzz’

Night

<Sits awake in the darkness>

<Is concerned about the flames coming from outside of the window, but is naked so just goes to sleep>

Sigh…
Stupid lovely children.

(It’ll be fine 'till the morning…)