BabyBoy3! And Bye To BabyBoy2 You Were Scrummy!...

It was BabyBoy2's birthday the other day.

And as normal we wheeled out the birthday machine, powered it up, showed BabyBoy2 into it, press the big ‘DO IT’ button, and a few moments later, out popped a brand new and shiney BabyBoy3. Ready to his third year of life.

Crikey.

The birthday machine of course.

Is Team Parent (yay!). It's not really a machine per se...

Oy! Boy9 pass the me main influx pipe and the de-toddler inlet value, please

Boy9: 'What?'

Pardon.

Boy9: 'I said 'what?''

No, no... You are meant to say pardon, not what.

Boy9: 'To what?'

Don't be a smegger you know what I mean!

You don't say what, you say pardon

Boy9: 'To what?... Sorry.. To pardon?'

Are you going to pass me the bits I need or not?

Boy9: 'What?'

<Has a moment dealing with extreme inner fury>

Team Parent (yay!) had got BabyBoy2 (yes, we are talking about the past, so it's BB2, not BB3) a water play table for his birthday.

It was hid in my shed, because that is locked and no one should be in there but me. As that's where all the dangerous stuff is kept.

And sometimes presents.

Team Parent (yay!) had a quick election, which was grossly reported by the media scum, over who was to put the water table together. Apparently I won in a landline victory of 23 votes. Only one vote was counted for Mrs. Amazing.

I have launched an investigation into voting fraud (there’s only two of us) and have put Mrs. Amazing in charge of the investigation.

Thinking the water table construction would easy.

And because I was confident and very possibly more than a little cocky about it. I started work on the water table at 9pm. Already knackered from being up since 5:30am.

And on a sugar high that only cake baking, and icing, and then eating decorating with sweets, can give me.

My confidence was high because I enjoy building stuff and very rarely have problems.

HA! <Rolls eyes at self>

(Digger cake! I personally tested every sweet on it many times… )

The first job was to install the plug for the table.

So that water can stay in. If this bit is wrong, it just becomes a table. So it is very important.

An hour later Mrs. Amazing finds me leaning my entire body weight on all the plastic bits that make up the table, trying to get it to click into place. My knuckles are sore from pressing against plastic really, really hard. And I am very definitely getting tired and fed up.

Mrs. Amazing is sympathetic and after asking why one bit seems wrong. Senses my mood isn’t at its most chatty.

As she leaves I notice a big hole in the table. A big draining type hole. A hole that if I was designing this thingy, is exactly where I would put the plug...

<Slaps own forehead>

Of course.

I put the plug in the wrong hole. I had attached the plug on a bit clearly higher than all the water would be. It might be handy for stopping air flow I suppose. But as a means of trapping water for play purposes. I'd right mucked it up.

Of course all the bits I had since added, where on top of the wrongly placed plug.

I swore and kicked the carpet and wondered what the hell I had even done to deserve this, why WHY!!! ARHGHHGH laughed to myself and angrily calmly fixed my mistake.

Two hours that water table took.

<Growls> <Scares self and hides under sofa>

Still BabyBoy3 loved his water table thingy.

It was great. Pipes everywhere for splashing about. Some excellent plastic fun. Well worth the time, pain and tears. And the mess someone (me) made of my shed.

Bonza.

Team Parent (yay!).

The brave, brave souls. Let Miss6 and Boy9 choose themselves what they wanted to give BabyBoy3. Within budget, reason, and following basic health and safety…

No disintegrations

Boy9: <Shows me idea for BabyBoy2's present>

Hmmm... Nice idea... But no to matches...

Boy9: <Tries again>

Yeah, but no to giant matches…

Boy9: <Tries once again>

No to chainsaws as well… Too expensive...

Boy9 got BabyBoy3 a Paw Patrol pillow.

Which BabyBoy3 loves and sleeps on every night. Great choice.

And Miss6 got him a dinosaur that roars really loud and has red glowing eyes.

Which BabyBoy3 also loves. One happy little boy!

BabyBoy3: 'RARRRRRRRRR!'

(Mid-birthday day sleep…)

Now.

Tradition and a little of can't be bothered to think of a new format dictates that I know write a reasonable length list of why BabyBoy3 is hella awesome.

Obv. without it being too puke inducing and squishy. Coz ewww..

Containing the more interesting, interest+, stuff that only the inner circle knows (us lot).

The stuff you don't, and wouldn't know, unless you'ld met BabyBoy3 or me in the pub, the gossip, the word on the washing line...

1. BabyBoy3 only has one hiding place

When we play hide and seek (which I love). Boy9 always wins as he is ninja imbued with the magic of a thousand ancient masters. Which is a bit annoying.

And me and BabyBoy3 can always be found in the same place, giggling, under the duvet of my bed.

Nothing will sway him. When you hide you hide there. Or you don't hide.

Miss6 is very sweet about it and jokingly finds us every time with a smile.

Boy9 on the other hand is less impressed. How can you be the champion hider-finder, if the hidies, are rubbish and utterly, utterly predictable.

Still. BabyBoy3 giggles away under the duvet with me and that's worth almost everything.

2. BabyBoy3 hates having his hair brushed.

Been this way for about year now. Seems to think it hurts his ears.

Team Parent (yay!) are super careful and work very hard at making sure we don't even go near his ears.

Except when his hair is too mad and has to be tamed.

3. BabyBoy3's W's are still not correct.

And we love it…

BabyBoy3: 'WOOK Daddy! Wook!'

<Doubles over laughing>

BabyBoy3: 'WOOK Daddy!' <Frantic pointing>

<Still laughing>

<Is mown down by Miss6 out of control on her bike>

Ow...

4. BabyBoy3 scoots like the wind.

At some point in the last few months. BabyBoy2 went from slow scooting and stooping constantly. To OMFB! fast scooting. And stopping just every now and then with controlled crashing on purpose.

He is really very quick. But at full speed he stops looking up and puts his head and just goes. Making motorcycle noises obv.

BabyBoy3's driven firmly into Miss6's heels like that so far. And once I have had to sprint, flat out, to get between him and a road. (Which is always my fault I know, but he could at least look where he is going).

A stern chat about looking where you are going followed...

Miss6: 'You should be looking ahead for roads that BabyBoy3 may race into'

<Hangs head in shame>

Miss6: 'You're the Daddy!!!'

Prove it!

Miss6: <Does mad dance/ninja hand-to-hand combat moves, ends with fireball pose>

It's a fair cop...

5. BabyBoy3 cares not about bedtimes and wake up times.

<Weeps>

BabyBoy2 was great at going to bed. Great at staying in bed. A right little angel and Team Parent (yay!) loved him for it. More so.

But BabyBoy3 cares not for our ridiculous bedtime rules and times. Instead he runs in and out his room as much and as fast as possible for hours. Until he crashes out at the top of stairs. And we only find him once we go to bed. As nothing we do seems to stop him, so we just ignore it.

And as for morning wakeups. He cares not for the 6:30am rule (none of them do actually).

But BabyBoy3 really pushes it as he trots in, cars in hand, at 5:30am.

Suns up, BabyBoy3's up - seems to be the rule which Team Parent (yay!) never agreed to and constantly try to change.

(Rather than go to sleep.

BabyBoy3 thought it would be great to line up all his toys.

In Team Parent’s (yay!) room. We disagreed on this…)

6. We no longer have a song.

Which is a bit sad. For two years I sang to that little boy in my arms. And sometimes he sang along with me. And then went down to sleep without fuss.

<Howls a new born baby manly>

But the logistics of BabyBoy3 being in a real bed, and him not letting me in it for a cuddle. Mean his nightly bedtime song has stopped. Else I would be just standing in his room serenading him. While he ran in and out of his room. Which would be weird.

I know. I tried.

However. As I was singing story books to him one night (I don't need to explain myself), Mrs. Amazing noticed that BabyBoy3 was starting to nod off to the singing. So I followed it up with a few numbers, RATM mainly, and off to sleep the little lad went.

There still magic in song for him it seems.

(Or his brain has been carefully programmed over the last two years to go to sleep when I sing).

7. BabyBoy3 will accepts biscuits for most things.

Get in the buggy will ya?

BabyBoy3: 'NOOOOOO'

[Epic struggle over getting buggy happens, I lose]

How about a biscuit?

BabyBoy3: 'Two?' <Shows me two fingers>

Rude. Deal. Two.

BabyBoy3: <Climbs into buggy happily>

<Has a biscuit too>

8. Paw Patrol is his cartoon.

BabyBoy3 loves Octonauts, Sarah & Duck (who doesn't), Shimmer and Shine and Fireman Sam. All cartoons adopted from his bigger siblings.

But Paw Patrol is his. Or as BabyBoy3 says ‘Aw ‘Atrol.

He's the Police dog, Chase. I'm the flying dog, Skye (yes the girl one). Miss6 is the one with a hovercraft, Zuma and Boy9 is Rubble, the one with a bulldozer.

Mrs. Amazing went for the boy, Ryder.

On each mission BabyBoy3 calls out to each of us if we are going on the mission this time, or not. If even if we are not watching.

It's frikkin' cute.

9. BabyBoy3 is a jigsaw expert.

For his age. It's his Grandma that's been training him up on these. Week after week.

And now if left along BabyBoy3 can do surprisingly complex jigsaws all on his own.

I am not talking clear blue sky over a sea view of anything.

But he's good.

10. BabyBoy3 isn't Batman.

Or batboy. Or Bat-BabyBoy3. He won’t have it.

He’ll run about shouting ‘BATMAN! BATMAN! BATMAN!’ at the top of his lungs.

But he isn’t Batman....

Hey! It's Batman!

BabyBoy3: 'Not Batman!' <Says it slowly and clearly> 'I am Baby-Boy-3'

Oh... you have a Batman top on, bat shoes, bat hat, batman toy in your hand...

BabyBoy3: <Slow and now a bit shouty> 'Baby-Boy-3'

OK Batboy...

11. BabyBoy3 is pliant.

BabyBoy2 was super sweet and did most things without fuss or argument.

BabyBoy3 is not the same. Some stuff is still easy to do. But other stuff... Well there's very cute shouting and crossness from him.

BabyBoy3 is starting to enforce his own will on the world. Which mostly fails as BabyBoy3 is still tiny and can easily be picked up.

And as already said, he is susceptible to biscuit bribery just like his Dad.

12. BabyBoy3 is the 2017 winner of 'Loudest Foot Fall in the Whole World'.

How do such tiny feet, make so much noise?...

Where's BabyBoy3?

[From Upstairs] THUD THUD THUD THUD -SMASH

BabyBoy3: 'Oppsie! Oh well… doesn’t matter...'

... THUD THUD THUD THUD

Mrs. Amazing: <Glaces at barely coping ceiling> '... upstairs'

That's him? I thought my dragon had got out...

Mrs. Amazing: 'Your what?'

[Boy9 enters and walks in between us]

Boy9: 'No mum, you mean “Your pardon”’

Boy9: <Gives me a thumbs up and smile>

[Boy9 leaves proud of himself]

<Is frowned at>

…

<Runs>

Happy Birthday my littlest dude.

I know we're heading into threenanger territory now and we're likely to fight more, and argue.

And there will be more grumping, more NO!s, and stomping off coming.

You'll do it too I bet.

But I also know you are going to making me laugh more, you're going to make me play games more. You're going to want more of my time, and of better quality more and more.

We'll build more together. I’ll show a billion more things that you’ll love.

There’s so music I want you to hear!

Basically I'm gonna have to play harder, better and faster than ever before.

I cannot smegging wait!

(Making Eggy-bread (French toast)... he's brilliant at cracking eggs...)

 

Thank you Babyboy2.

You have been utterly scrummy and the sweetest little thing.

My darling littlest boy. <Wipes away tear>

You frikkin' rock, you awesome, happy little dude, you.

X

Finally... Miss6 Arrives!

It seems Miss5 has been around for ages.

But she's finally been stretched a bit, stuffed full of information and knowledge, and sadly been given a jaw-bone-speed upgrade.

Miss6 has arrived!

<Whoops, hollers, fires gun in the air>

<Gets arrested as guns are illegal where I live>

How's it feel to be six then?

Miss6: 'Good'

Yeah? How so?

Miss6: 'I get proper Lego now' (Not Duplo)

That is good for all of us. Anything else?

Miss6: 'I can dance brilliantly'

Let's see...

<Dances like a Tazmanian Devil possessed by me during Come on Eileen Michael Flatley>

I'm speechless... My moves! You thief!

Miss6: 'My bedtime is a lot later!'

No it's not. And it never will be until you stay in bed until 6:30am <Gives look>

Miss6: 'Oh'

Not 5:30am!...

You can read now! That's good...

Miss6: 'Oh yeah...' <Doesn't really care> 'I can do this too...' <Blinks weirdly>

Oh... Is that helpful? More so than reading?

Miss6: <Shrugs>

Any Superpowers yet?

Miss6: 'The blinking?'

So... no.

<Both a bit disappointed>

I’ll tell you one good thing about being six?

Miss6: 'Yeah'

Well I don't flatten you quite so badly when I bundle you now...

Miss6: 'Yeah heh heh... No! Wait!’

Miss6: <Is bundled>

Six is still fine.

I'm not worried yet. Six is still young and sweet. Six is still finding about the world.

Six is still learning from all around you. Six is not a concern. Six is lovely.

I'll worry about the future when it rocks up.

Especially as my main job right now. What I must be doing for Miss6, right now.

As I see it.

Is setting a high standard of men for her...

<Straightens Mickey Mouse tie>

<Wipes mud off work trainers>

<Puts down Lego>

<Bursts into song with actions>

<Manages to contain self for a ten seconds minute>

<Bursts into song with actions>

And no.

I am not worrying about standards for her picking a mate. Marriage etc.

I believe that is going to have very little to do with me. As it should.

Team Parent (yay!) may end paying for stuff. And I may end mumbling through a speech. Which I may have already been working on for six years.

No.

I am instead thinking of the man standard I would like Miss6 to use to evaluate every man she meets. Yeah... that standard.

<Crumples from the pressure>

I want Miss6 to meet men and make the big decisions herself.

Twit or not?

Shields up or down?

Sexist or human?

Berk or Outcast Island?

Sane or fun?

Marvel or DC?

Wars or Trek?

Bow or Sword?

Cake or Bacon? (both Obv.)

Wang or Wang-Ker?

Smegger or dude?

(Really? ... No mentioned this! CRAAAAAP!)

So six is fine.

Now. It may not come across in what I write.

But I find it hard not to get all squishy when writing about Miss5. (There’s a lot I edit out).

She is my only little girl. Which makes her special+ to me. Boys I've loads of (two).

But daughters I have but one.

And she’s amazing to me. And quite, quite, mad magic.

Obv. Don't tell her any of this.

She'll be unbearable...

Miss5: 'You think I'm magic' <Is dancing around me>

Whatev's! When you're quiet... Which never happens!...

Miss5: 'You think I'm amazing' <Now just doing death-attack-poses around me>

There's moments, sometimes... They pass... I can recall NONE right now...

Miss5: 'Really? Oh no!' <Tears well up and she slinks to the floor>

Oh don't cry shop girl I'm only joking around. I do think you're amazing and magic...

Miss5: <Pops up with beaming smile and more dance moves> 'You think I'm magic! You think I'm amazing!

Also I've learnt loads from Miss5.

Miss5 has shown me the world through her eyes. It's very different. It's been mental.

There's a lot pigeonholing-condescending-glass-ceiling-making-sexist-smeggers out there.

I'm ashamed to say I hadn't really seen them all until now.

But Miss5 has made them stand out for me...

Miss6: 'This one' <Points>

You sure?

Miss6: 'Yep. He believes that only women cook'

What an utter bottom head snot face!

Miss6: <Giggles>

More cake?

Miss6: <Is already eating>

Nor have I ever noticed there were so many colours in the world.

How is that the wrong red? It's red?

Miss5: <Head shake> 'See, I meant this red!' <Show me two identical crayons>

Oh yeah... Very different… <Is lying>

And I’ve always believed that telling a story is a finite thing.

No so with Miss5. No so.

Why end the story? Because the listener has expired.

Why restrict yourself to point as well?

I've so much to learn.

Anyhoo...

Miss4 was magic. Miss5 rocked.

Miss6, I imagine, is going to be even more awesome, magic and rocky.

<Crosses fingers>

(What you drawing Miss6?

… <Looks>...

Hang on!… these are the Death Star plans?

<Is hit over the head and knocked out>)

As normal. I'll avoid a puke inducing-gush-list about Miss5.

And instead here's some stuff you probably didn't know...

1. Miss5 stopped claiming all farts

<Weeps>

Miss4 did. It was great. Really helpful.

But Miss5 did not. Shame. She has been less fart-karmically enlightened this year.

Instead Miss5 does shifty eyes when questioned on nearby smells.

Which is hilarious. Just like her Dad...

<Does shifty eyes>

<Regrets the shift eyes as have now put doubt on my parentage>

<Looks for receipt>

2. Team D is the greatest team ever

I've worked really hard over the last year to bond more with Miss5.

It seems to have worked. <Fist pumps>

And Team D - Daddy & Daughter - frikkin' rock...

<Whispers to Miss5> Team D - Best team ever!!!...

Mrs. Amazing: 'What was that? Better than Team Parent (yay!)?'

Noooo! Team Parent (yay!) is my fav...

Mrs. Amazing: 'Fine!' <Leaves making sure I notice how un-fine it is>

Boy9: <Appears looking hurt> 'I thought Team Ninja-Nerf-Minecraft-Wars was your favourite?'

IT IS! Well...

BabyBoy2: <Hugs my leg> 'SAM!'

Yes I love Fireman Sam too matey!... Dude... <Is in trouble and knows it>

Miss5: <Is doing the Team D dance, third movement>

You're not helping you know!

3. Miss5 rhymed a lot

Miss5 loves to rhyme. Miss5 cloves to clime.

Like that. It's my fault because I join in and probably start it. <Does shifty eyes>

It's become a way for us to talk now. A way for us to malk now.

It's kinda of hard to stop - hard to pop - once you get going - punce you get mowing.

I blame that 'step on a crack marry a bat' rhyme. Despite it’s wiseyness and educational value.

We just expanded it. Perpanded it a bit. In a Miss5 way.

Obvs. it's hella funny. But it does have it's dangers. Have it's crangers.

So from experience, meriance, here is my lost of words to avoid: Duck, gunner, plank, armpit,  bunting and parcel.

Yeah... really didn't hear the bunting one coming...

4. Miss5 hides a lot

In fact she loves to hide. Especially when I am trying to get her to do something. Brush teeth. Brush hair. Get dressed. Leave for school. Off she darts into the next room and then BANG! she's gone. Well SILENCE! she's gone.

Normally midway through me talking.

Under the bed, behind a door, under a desk, in a cupboard, behind a chair. In a tiny nook no one else could get into.

She is small and can squeeze into tiny places. And with all that hair as camouflage.

Miss5 can be like an mimic octopus (see ‘Octonauts and the mimic Octopus’)

One minute she’s there...

WHERE ARE YOU? <Is amazed>

Miss5: 'I'm here!'

WHERE? <Starts swishing the air with hands>

Miss5: 'Here!'

I Can't see you! ARRGHGGHGHH! Who's flicking my tummy!

Miss5: <Morphs out of the surroundings predator stylie> 'Me Daddy!'

<Covers self in mud>

<Is a teeny bit scared>

5. Miss5 can swim 10m

Without doubt. This is the single greatest thing I've done all year.

I helped teach Miss5 to swim. And she got her 10m badge. We did that together. Me and her.

I'm hella proud of her (and me). Swimming with Miss5 very quickly became a huge highlight of my week. I can't believe I ever let anyone else do it.

LET ALONE PAY THEM TO DO IT! DOH!

I'm not even good at it. I'm not. I try. But who cares, we have such fun! Just us two.

It's hella special.

6. Miss5 has picked a favourite Queen song

Some people agonise over this choice for years.

I do. Some never settle on a tack.

'Don't Stop Me Now' is where I'll normally settle. And then change my mind.

But at the young age of five. Miss5 made a choice. It's a big choice. A complex choice.

She’s gone with ‘Killer Queen’.

I'm hella scared, it's like she's warning us all already, ARGHGHGGH RUN FOR THE HILLS HELL HARPIE ON THE LOOSE impressed.

Bye Miss5.

It was delightful (if not a tad emotional... see this <Shudders>).

I was a real honour. Ya loon.

(You got the wallets?

Miss6: ‘Obvs!’

Good girl! <Runs too>)

[Is putting Miss6 to bed after a lovely birthday]

How's it feel being six then?

Miss6: 'I liked being five...' <Is a bit grumpy about it>

You did rock it

<We fist bump and da-da-da-daaaa>

I'm sure six will be even more fun <Crosses fingers>

Miss6: <Looks doubtful>

Imagine all the new, crazy, games and things we'll be able to do, together, now you're six!

Miss6: <Imagines it>

I KNOW! Night!

<Runs off to make dangerous plans>

X