Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

30 January 2018

Man Down... (Part 2)...

So there I was surrounded by wolves.
Ten, maybe twenty, thousand of them. All armed with spoons. My arrow quiver had just replied to my question of how arrows were left with a rather rude, 'You're going to die fat boy'. Things looked bad.
It was then that I decided that I had had had enough...

Hang on! That's the wrong tale. Doh! <Slaps forehead>

You'll have to forgive me, never done one of these two-parters before....
I assume you've read the first part, ‘Man Down (Part 1)...’, so lets carry it on from there...
ROLL IT! (Always wanted to say that)...

So there I was.
Post puking. Feeling all kinds of yukky.
Miss6 seemed to be fine despite having had to watch her father be sick whilst trapped in the car. At least my back was turned. And it was dark. Poor love.
But otherwise everyone else in the house seemed fine, with no tummy bugs to be heard of.
Except for BabyBoy3.

(Oh! they look fun to play with! YAY! <Starts playing>
<Is very sick>)

Who was acting a bit crazy.
Just coz. Every now and then he would cough and everyone in Team Parent (yay!) would jump the moment his little cough seemed to sound even a teeny bit retchy. On tenterhooks we both were, expecting the worst.
Well mainly Mrs. Amazing. As I was slumped on the sofa looking sad and poorly.
Inside I was there with her, ready to clean up puke, and to look after poorly children.
But on the outside I was definitely sat on the sofa resting watching the madness.

The madness went like this.
BabyBoy3 running about the place, definitely on puke watch.
Miss6 tired out from roller skating and possibly traumatised from seeing her Dad have a food escape moment.
And Boy10 who had been out doing cool sports stuff with his peers. And as such had come back rosy cheeked, tired out, and full of so much sass I am surprised it wasn't pouring out of his ears.
Bedtime was gonna be fun!

Did you have a good time?
Boy10: 'Wouldn't you like to know!'
... Er.. Yes please!
<Is ignored>
Did you have fun with your mates?
Boy10: 'Oh you'd like that wouldn't you?' <Tuts>
Yes... that's why we send you there... to have fun... <Is confused>
<Is meanly ignored>
OK then mate <Breathes>... Awesome though these chats are, it's bedtime!
Boy10: <Explodes in a ball of fury and flames>
... righhhhhhht...

Obv. bedtime wasn't fun.
Poor Mrs. Amazing was utterly abandoned by everyone else in Team Parents (yay!). As with a stomach bug I cannot touch anyone, or anything that anyone else uses. Everything I touch needs to be cleaned.
Which may seem extreme but one child sick in the house is a huge nightmare.
Two is (which has happened) is horrid and puts a huge strain on us and the washing machine.
And well three children being sick at the same time is something to be avoided at all costs.
ALL COSTS. <Gives you a stern look>

So I was sidelined.
I could direct. Give verbal clues. But really I was feeling crapo and wasn't thinkingning goodly muchness. And definitely no touchy.
So really any help I could give was pants. Hence I was sidelined and left to catch up on MasterChef from three months ago whilst Mrs. Amazing tried to put the terrible three to bed solo. (That's Han, not Ben).

(No touchy! Unless you’re a Llama… in which case enchant√©...)

Poor Mrs. Amazing.
They did not behave very well at all. BabyBoy3 spent thirty minutes getting out of bed and running about upstairs having a great laugh.
Miss6 kept appearing at the top of the stairs complaining of: too much darkness, not enough darkness, being too hot, being cold, saw a spider, a gnat, Boy10 woke her up, this bit of her lip hurts, that knee doesn’t like the other one. And my favourite she was tired. <Gives you a look>
Boy10 seemed to be trying to make as much noise as possible, due to his high levels of sass and excited energy. Thus potentially waking Miss6 and BabyBoy3 (who weren't sleeping anyway), with everything he did...

Up the stairs: THUD THUD THUD
Putting on jammies: THUD, CRASH, THUD THUD
Brushing teeth: BZZZZZZ (electric toothbrush), THUD THUD, CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK (light switch), LOUD SINGING
Response to being told to be quiet: THUD THUD THUD, mildly quieter but still very much LOUD SINGING
Impromptu Trombone practice: WAH WAH Wahhh wahhhhhhh...
Response to being told to go to bed: THUDY-THUDY-THUD-THUD (skipping), lots of Nerf-rifle cocking sounds

Two hours later.
Mrs. Amazing finally sat down on the sofa next to me. Not close as I have lurgi (which is a word Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes made up! For reals, check it here).
I ask how bedtime went (yes I'm brave).
Mrs. Amazing said she was going onto Instagram and was going to be some time.
Fair play.

For four days I rested and recovered.
Unable to eat at all. Except for some cheese on toast, a packet of mini Cheddars, some bacon flavour crisps, and many peanut butter sandwiches. Not even my favourite life-sustaining nectar of the gods, a cup of tea, was sitting very well in my stomach. <Weeps>
And my love, my darling, my best friend, my chocolate cupboard had to part ways...

I'll always love you! <Strokes cupboard>
No don't be like that, it's not my fault! I have to, you see that don't you?
I have to!!! <Breaks down in tears, banging fists on cupboard>
Boy10: <Walks into kitchen sees me talking to cupboard>
Boy10: <Turns around instantly and runs>

If I was looking for a post Xmas crash diet.
My dreams were being answered. Weight was leaving me rapidly as I wasn't eating much.
I even got something that all parents crave for. Peace and quiet and time to do stuff. Albeit in bed.
True I felt like hurling during most of it. But I read a book. Two actually. I researched holidays on my phone. I got to do all those things I normally can't find time to cram in.
So from one point of view, this tummy bug was a blessing in disguise.
A much needed rest for me and some me-time for me, me.

But there was more.
Nope not puke. Although there was a repeat performance of that, as I brushed my teeth. The mint set me off again. yay.
No. The worst part of being sick was that first night.

Mrs. Amazing had decided to sleep downstairs.
Away from Captain Chunder (me). Fair enough. I could sleep star shaped, more so. And she wouldn't catch anything. Plus if all of Team Parent (yay1) were sick… then what would happen? Bedsheeplam.
The plan was that when BabyBoy3 or Miss6 woke up during the night. I could just calmly tell them where Mrs. Amazing was, and they would go find her for cuddles and general putting back to bed. I Obv. couldn't put them back to bed, as I had the pox. No touchy.
The plan worked fine with Miss6. Who turned on heels a bit quicker than I would have liked to be honest.
Off she went.

BabyBoy3 on the other hand.
Wasn't having any of it.
You ever seen one of those films where a character befriends a wild animal and then takes it back to wild, only to have the animal refuse to be free. With character now shouting, maybe throw sticks and stones, saying ‘get’ a lot.
Yeah? Well this was exactly the same.
But Obv. without the shouting, sticks and stones, and saying get.
I'm not a monster (except in 90% of all chase games with Miss6 and BabyBoy3).

BabyBoy3 appeared in Team Parent (yay!)'s bedroom at midnight.
And stood at the end of the bed. I reminded him that I was sick and cannot put him back to bed. But no worries, Mrs. Amazing is downstairs, go find her.
BabyBoy3 didn't move.
I repeat what I said slowly and clearer. BabyBoy3 simply replies with one word. Hug.
He's got his teddy bear in his arms, and cute factor wise, out of ten, he's probably rocking a fifty.
I say again I am sick and I can't put him back to bed. And I'm sorry, I really am.
My insides are being torn apart as for the entirety of BabyBoy3's life I have just grabbed him, picked him up, and hugged him. Whenever he asks. Whenever I walk by. Whenever. Without even a thought.
I love my little scrummy boy (and the others Obv.).

But tonight.
For the first time. I am having to turn my little dude away. No hugs from Daddy.
BabyBoy3 is not making it easier either. As he flops face down on the bed at my feet.
I tell him once more I cannot hug or basically touch him in anyway. Which does sound a bit over the top (O.T.T.) but you remember the puke fest that can happen if he gets my bug?
Not O.T.T. Dead right behaviour.
The only problem is that BabyBoy3 does not understand, and worse/better doesn't want to understand.
And it's br-br-br-breaking my heart Anakin.

(It may not look too much like me... but I don’t often wear my hair like that… No hair.)

I start to sell Mrs. Amazing to BabyBoy3.
Essentially I start convincing BabyBoy3 that if he goes to find Mrs. Amazing he will get such a big hug he'd be a fool not to. I am literally pushing him out of my arms into his mothers.
BabyBoy3 is not going for it, and I realise he thinks Mrs. Amazing is in bed next to me. Like normal. Doh! Why would he think otherwise?
I pull down the duvet and show him Mrs. Amazing is definitely not there.

BabyBoy3 looks at me.
Then looks at the open bed where Mrs. Amazing is not.
I am watching his little face, hoping he has finally understood. He turns.
And off he trots.
Right around the bed. And straight into Mrs. Amazing's spot.
Again, I say, doh.

Eventually I get BabyBoy3 out of my bed.
With minimal touching. And guide him towards Mrs. Amazing. Who clearly had heard me, as she suddenly appears to take over and BabyBoy3 is put back to bed by someone not full of germs.
I bundle back to bed, stomach loop the looping, and quickly crash out again.
But before sleep embraced me once more, it's then. Not during the puking, not during the after shock, nor finally being sodding bored of doing nothing after three and a bit days.
It's then, just after having pushed away my little BabyBoy3 away, when he couldn't understand why, it’s then that I feel really bad.
<Sad face>

P.S. I hugged the crap out of him once I was better.

19 January 2018

Man Down (Part 1)...

Well I didn't expect my weekend to turn out like that.
I had such high hope and plans for my weekend.
Housework. Spring clean. Roller skating with Miss6. Fun and games with all the kids.
And I was looking forward to re-sampling the Damson Gin my Dad had given me.
Shame most of that didn’t happen...

Mrs. Amazing: 'So what's your plans this weekend?'
I'm off to the George Lucas ranch (Skywalker Ranch no joking), got an idea I wanna run by the big man <Is spendearnest>
Mrs. Amazing: 'Er... right...' <Has a nasty suspicion this is gonna be one those conversations>
Yep! I'll be back for tea I imagine! <Goes to leave>
Mrs. Amazing: 'Er... How you getting there? ... To America…?'
Oh... I'll walk!
Mrs. Amazing: 'Across the Atlantic ocean?'
Then I'll sail! Hmmm... that may take longer though won't it...
Mrs. Amazing: <Nods>
I'll be back for bedtime then! See ya later! <Goes to leave>
Mrs. Amazing: 'Aren't you taking Miss6 skating after lunch?'
Oh yeah... damn... can’t miss that <Is disappointed>
I'll go next weekend then! <Puts down rucksack>
Mrs. Amazing: 'Good idea' <Mentally notes that to distract me next weekend>
Mrs. Amazing: 'What's in the rucksack?'
Mrs. Amazing: 'Chocolate and comics?'
No! <Is indignant> Actual real sensible proper essential supplies, thank you very much!
Mrs. Amazing: 'Can I see?'
I think it's best, for both of us, that you don't look...
<Eats chocolate whilst reading comics later>

(The perfect disguise!!!

I did take Miss6 roller skating.
But just before we left my stomach started hurting. So thinking it was nothing I took some stomach pills and off we headed. We dropped Boy10 at a party on the way. Leaving Mrs. Amazing and BabyBoy3 to get up to mischief.

I love roller skating with Miss6.
She wants to be able to skate soooo much. Round and round the circuit we go. Me on my blades, her on roller skates. Laughing and joking with each other . Practising new bonkers tricks and me essentially trying to convince Miss6 that she needs to stop using her brakes to skate. I am slowly getting to her.
A few falls helped my case.

An hour in.
My stomach pains got worse. So bad in fact I stop for a bit and let Miss6 skate for a bit on her own.
Which I am very reluctant to do, as I love skating with her. And secretly I fear at some point she’ll realise she doesn’t need or won't me to be skating with her. And me sitting out for a bit will hurry that situation on.
But my stomach does really hurt. In fact I start worrying that I may be sick. But hell I'm an adult. I can control things like that.
After a bit of a rest. I strap my boots back on and head out once again.

Then I nearly fall.
Which in all the times we've been. I've never done. A proper feet panicking on wheels moment. It shakes me and I stop again. Check my boots. Obv. it's their fault.
Then I notice that on both boots the plastic shell has broken. Smeg.
Which I probably did during my near fall.
Ah well, at least I have a good sensible reason to sit out. Because I feel rubbish.
I text Mrs. Amazing and tell how I am feeling. She says sit and rest.
So I listen to wise woman. I sit.

Miss6 heads off skating on her own.
And I watch and take pics from the sidelines. Not being very happy about being sidelined, but presenting a happy face to Miss6. Whilst I'm sat I find the energy sweets (just normal sweets) we had brought with us, and have one.
What a mistake.

(Miss6 was stood still… I just take a poor photo...)

We then have to leave.
I need to leave. My stomach pains are now pretty constant. That sweet has hurt. So much so I have to make a conscious decision about driving and whether I can. It's only ten minutes. So I go for it.
Normally me and Miss6 sing in car together to whatever we are listening to on my phone. Disney. 80’s classics. Funky rock. Miss6 likes most things.
The current favourite is Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart. 12” version.
Which I love belting out with her.
We change the lyrics for fun, try changing ‘Turnaround’ for ‘Eat the cake’. It's hella fun and strangely works with the rest of the lyrics.
But I am quiet. Stomach. And for a change I get to listen to Miss6 sing.
She's getting pretty good.

And with a growing sense of dread and dark thoughts of appendix bursting in my head. I turn the car into the road we live on... and my saliva changes texture.
Runny. Watery. My ‘I am going to be sick’ warning sign. Which I know well.
Oh crap. How on earth do you be sick whilst driving? You don't. Well try not to.
Home and parking is thirty seconds away.
I'm not sure I'm gonna make it.

Twenty nine seconds later (ish).
I park crappy and leap out of the car and release the pain in my stomach. All over the floor.
Splashing my trainers and trousers.
Then once the first wave has gone. I've time to adjust where I am standing and move to some vegetation. Then there's a further four, lets say, waves.
Which is fine. Except I have this horrible fear that poor Miss6 is sat in the car, watching all of this. Transfixed on the car crash, that is my stomach, going on.
Poor love.

In between 'waves'.
I tell Miss6 to get Mrs. Amazing and to get out of the car.
I later learn Miss6 was trying to do just that. But the child locks were on on the car doors. And the only open door, mine, had mess blocking her way.
Waves all gone I stood in that post 'wave' after shock trying to recover myself. And notice Miss6 finally working out to escape through the passenger door.

Mrs. Amazing quickly arrives.
Mrs. Amazing: ‘Oh....’
She understands the situation quickly and helps me inside. Then asks where Boy10 is, and I have explain I didn’t get him, because I couldn’t. You’ll have to do it.
Mrs. Amazing then has to leave immediately to get Boy10 for me.
As I am still in wave-shock so can only manage sitting on the sofa with Miss6 and BabyBoy3 watching cartoons.
Feeling quite sad that my plan of having a few more snuffties of the Damson Gin my Dad, as it made me all giggly, had given me for Christmas (and was lovely) wasn’t going to happen.
Two Paw Patrols later Mrs. Amazing comes back.
With Boy10...

Boy10: 'WOW Dad! Did you make that mess outside?' <Is delighted>
<Nods sadly>
Boy10: 'Poor you' <Pats me on the head>
Cheers dude... <Whimpers>

Continued next tale... Oh yes it gets better!!!
<Shakes head and gives you a look>...  
<Nods with serious eyes>...  
<Shakes head>...  
<Has confused self>

(I assume this was a joke… <Is suspicious>)

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