Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

19 January 2018

Man Down (Part 1)...

Well I didn't expect my weekend to turn out like that.
I had such high hope and plans for my weekend.
Housework. Spring clean. Roller skating with Miss6. Fun and games with all the kids.
And I was looking forward to re-sampling the Damson Gin my Dad had given me.
Shame most of that didn’t happen...

Mrs. Amazing: 'So what's your plans this weekend?'
I'm off to the George Lucas ranch (Skywalker Ranch no joking), got an idea I wanna run by the big man <Is spendearnest>
Mrs. Amazing: 'Er... right...' <Has a nasty suspicion this is gonna be one those conversations>
Yep! I'll be back for tea I imagine! <Goes to leave>
Mrs. Amazing: 'Er... How you getting there? ... To America…?'
Oh... I'll walk!
Mrs. Amazing: 'Across the Atlantic ocean?'
Then I'll sail! Hmmm... that may take longer though won't it...
Mrs. Amazing: <Nods>
I'll be back for bedtime then! See ya later! <Goes to leave>
Mrs. Amazing: 'Aren't you taking Miss6 skating after lunch?'
Oh yeah... damn... can’t miss that <Is disappointed>
I'll go next weekend then! <Puts down rucksack>
Mrs. Amazing: 'Good idea' <Mentally notes that to distract me next weekend>
Mrs. Amazing: 'What's in the rucksack?'
Mrs. Amazing: 'Chocolate and comics?'
No! <Is indignant> Actual real sensible proper essential supplies, thank you very much!
Mrs. Amazing: 'Can I see?'
I think it's best, for both of us, that you don't look...
<Eats chocolate whilst reading comics later>

(The perfect disguise!!!

I did take Miss6 roller skating.
But just before we left my stomach started hurting. So thinking it was nothing I took some stomach pills and off we headed. We dropped Boy10 at a party on the way. Leaving Mrs. Amazing and BabyBoy3 to get up to mischief.

I love roller skating with Miss6.
She wants to be able to skate soooo much. Round and round the circuit we go. Me on my blades, her on roller skates. Laughing and joking with each other . Practising new bonkers tricks and me essentially trying to convince Miss6 that she needs to stop using her brakes to skate. I am slowly getting to her.
A few falls helped my case.

An hour in.
My stomach pains got worse. So bad in fact I stop for a bit and let Miss6 skate for a bit on her own.
Which I am very reluctant to do, as I love skating with her. And secretly I fear at some point she’ll realise she doesn’t need or won't me to be skating with her. And me sitting out for a bit will hurry that situation on.
But my stomach does really hurt. In fact I start worrying that I may be sick. But hell I'm an adult. I can control things like that.
After a bit of a rest. I strap my boots back on and head out once again.

Then I nearly fall.
Which in all the times we've been. I've never done. A proper feet panicking on wheels moment. It shakes me and I stop again. Check my boots. Obv. it's their fault.
Then I notice that on both boots the plastic shell has broken. Smeg.
Which I probably did during my near fall.
Ah well, at least I have a good sensible reason to sit out. Because I feel rubbish.
I text Mrs. Amazing and tell how I am feeling. She says sit and rest.
So I listen to wise woman. I sit.

Miss6 heads off skating on her own.
And I watch and take pics from the sidelines. Not being very happy about being sidelined, but presenting a happy face to Miss6. Whilst I'm sat I find the energy sweets (just normal sweets) we had brought with us, and have one.
What a mistake.

(Miss6 was stood still… I just take a poor photo...)

We then have to leave.
I need to leave. My stomach pains are now pretty constant. That sweet has hurt. So much so I have to make a conscious decision about driving and whether I can. It's only ten minutes. So I go for it.
Normally me and Miss6 sing in car together to whatever we are listening to on my phone. Disney. 80’s classics. Funky rock. Miss6 likes most things.
The current favourite is Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart. 12” version.
Which I love belting out with her.
We change the lyrics for fun, try changing ‘Turnaround’ for ‘Eat the cake’. It's hella fun and strangely works with the rest of the lyrics.
But I am quiet. Stomach. And for a change I get to listen to Miss6 sing.
She's getting pretty good.

And with a growing sense of dread and dark thoughts of appendix bursting in my head. I turn the car into the road we live on... and my saliva changes texture.
Runny. Watery. My ‘I am going to be sick’ warning sign. Which I know well.
Oh crap. How on earth do you be sick whilst driving? You don't. Well try not to.
Home and parking is thirty seconds away.
I'm not sure I'm gonna make it.

Twenty nine seconds later (ish).
I park crappy and leap out of the car and release the pain in my stomach. All over the floor.
Splashing my trainers and trousers.
Then once the first wave has gone. I've time to adjust where I am standing and move to some vegetation. Then there's a further four, lets say, waves.
Which is fine. Except I have this horrible fear that poor Miss6 is sat in the car, watching all of this. Transfixed on the car crash, that is my stomach, going on.
Poor love.

In between 'waves'.
I tell Miss6 to get Mrs. Amazing and to get out of the car.
I later learn Miss6 was trying to do just that. But the child locks were on on the car doors. And the only open door, mine, had mess blocking her way.
Waves all gone I stood in that post 'wave' after shock trying to recover myself. And notice Miss6 finally working out to escape through the passenger door.

Mrs. Amazing quickly arrives.
Mrs. Amazing: ‘Oh....’
She understands the situation quickly and helps me inside. Then asks where Boy10 is, and I have explain I didn’t get him, because I couldn’t. You’ll have to do it.
Mrs. Amazing then has to leave immediately to get Boy10 for me.
As I am still in wave-shock so can only manage sitting on the sofa with Miss6 and BabyBoy3 watching cartoons.
Feeling quite sad that my plan of having a few more snuffties of the Damson Gin my Dad, as it made me all giggly, had given me for Christmas (and was lovely) wasn’t going to happen.
Two Paw Patrols later Mrs. Amazing comes back.
With Boy10...

Boy10: 'WOW Dad! Did you make that mess outside?' <Is delighted>
<Nods sadly>
Boy10: 'Poor you' <Pats me on the head>
Cheers dude... <Whimpers>

Continued next tale... Oh yes it gets better!!!
<Shakes head and gives you a look>...  
<Nods with serious eyes>...  
<Shakes head>...  
<Has confused self>

(I assume this was a joke… <Is suspicious>)