Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

5 February 2017

Finally... Miss6 Arrives!

It seems Miss5 has been around for ages.
But she's finally been stretched a bit, stuffed full of information and knowledge, and sadly been given a jaw-bone-speed upgrade.
Miss6 has arrived!
<Whoops, hollers, fires gun in the air>
<Gets arrested as guns are illegal where I live>

How's it feel to be six then?
Miss6: 'Good'
Yeah? How so?
Miss6: 'I get proper Lego now' (Not Duplo)
That is good for all of us. Anything else?
Miss6: 'I can dance brilliantly'
Let's see...
<Dances like a Tazmanian Devil possessed by me during Come on Eileen Michael Flatley>
I'm speechless... My moves! You thief!
Miss6: 'My bedtime is a lot later!'
No it's not. And it never will be until you stay in bed until 6:30am <Gives look>
Miss6: 'Oh'
Not 5:30am!...
You can read now! That's good...
Miss6: 'Oh yeah...' <Doesn't really care> 'I can do this too...' <Blinks weirdly>
Oh... Is that helpful? More so than reading?
Miss6: <Shrugs>
Any Superpowers yet?
Miss6: 'The blinking?'
So... no.
<Both a bit disappointed>
I’ll tell you one good thing about being six?
Miss6: 'Yeah'
Well I don't flatten you quite so badly when I bundle you now...
Miss6: 'Yeah heh heh... No! Wait!’
Miss6: <Is bundled>

Six is still fine.
I'm not worried yet. Six is still young and sweet. Six is still finding about the world.
Six is still learning from all around you. Six is not a concern. Six is lovely.
I'll worry about the future when it rocks up.
Especially as my main job right now. What I must be doing for Miss6, right now.
As I see it.
Is setting a high standard of men for her...
<Straightens Mickey Mouse tie>
<Wipes mud off work trainers>
<Puts down Lego>
<Bursts into song with actions>
<Manages to contain self for a ten seconds minute>
<Bursts into song with actions>

And no.
I am not worrying about standards for her picking a mate. Marriage etc.
I believe that is going to have very little to do with me. As it should.
Team Parent (yay!) may end paying for stuff. And I may end mumbling through a speech. Which I may have already been working on for six years.
I am instead thinking of the man standard I would like Miss6 to use to evaluate every man she meets. Yeah... that standard.
<Crumples from the pressure>

I want Miss6 to meet men and make the big decisions herself.
Twit or not?
Shields up or down?
Sexist or human?
Berk or Outcast Island?
Sane or fun?
Marvel or DC?
Wars or Trek?
Bow or Sword?
Cake or Bacon? (both Obv.)
Wang or Wang-Ker?
Smegger or dude?

(Really? ... No mentioned this! CRAAAAAP!)

So six is fine.

Now. It may not come across in what I write.
But I find it hard not to get all squishy when writing about Miss5. (There’s a lot I edit out).
She is my only little girl. Which makes her special+ to me. Boys I've loads of (two).
But daughters I have but one.
And she’s amazing to me. And quite, quite, mad magic.
Obv. Don't tell her any of this.
She'll be unbearable...

Miss5: 'You think I'm magic' <Is dancing around me>
Whatev's! When you're quiet... Which never happens!...
Miss5: 'You think I'm amazing' <Now just doing death-attack-poses around me>
There's moments, sometimes... They pass... I can recall NONE right now...
Miss5: 'Really? Oh no!' <Tears well up and she slinks to the floor>
Oh don't cry shop girl I'm only joking around. I do think you're amazing and magic...
Miss5: <Pops up with beaming smile and more dance moves> 'You think I'm magic! You think I'm amazing!

Also I've learnt loads from Miss5.
Miss5 has shown me the world through her eyes. It's very different. It's been mental.
There's a lot pigeonholing-condescending-glass-ceiling-making-sexist-smeggers out there.
I'm ashamed to say I hadn't really seen them all until now.
But Miss5 has made them stand out for me...
Miss6: 'This one' <Points>
You sure?
Miss6: 'Yep. He believes that only women cook'
What an utter bottom head snot face!
Miss6: <Giggles>
More cake?
Miss6: <Is already eating>

Nor have I ever noticed there were so many colours in the world.
How is that the wrong red? It's red?
Miss5: <Head shake> 'See, I meant this red!' <Show me two identical crayons>
Oh yeah... Very different… <Is lying>

And I’ve always believed that telling a story is a finite thing.
No so with Miss5. No so.
Why end the story? Because the listener has expired.
Why restrict yourself to point as well?
I've so much to learn.

Miss4 was magic. Miss5 rocked.
Miss6, I imagine, is going to be even more awesome, magic and rocky.
<Crosses fingers>

(What you drawing Miss6?
… <Looks>...
Hang on!… these are the Death Star plans?
<Is hit over the head and knocked out>)

As normal. I'll avoid a puke inducing-gush-list about Miss5.
And instead here's some stuff you probably didn't know...

1. Miss5 stopped claiming all farts
Miss4 did. It was great. Really helpful.
But Miss5 did not. Shame. She has been less fart-karmically enlightened this year.
Instead Miss5 does shifty eyes when questioned on nearby smells.
Which is hilarious. Just like her Dad...
<Does shifty eyes>
<Regrets the shift eyes as have now put doubt on my parentage>
<Looks for receipt>

2. Team D is the greatest team ever
I've worked really hard over the last year to bond more with Miss5.
It seems to have worked. <Fist pumps>
And Team D - Daddy & Daughter - frikkin' rock...
<Whispers to Miss5> Team D - Best team ever!!!...
Mrs. Amazing: 'What was that? Better than Team Parent (yay!)?'
Noooo! Team Parent (yay!) is my fav...
Mrs. Amazing: 'Fine!' <Leaves making sure I notice how un-fine it is>
Boy9: <Appears looking hurt> 'I thought Team Ninja-Nerf-Minecraft-Wars was your favourite?'
IT IS! Well...
BabyBoy2: <Hugs my leg> 'SAM!'
Yes I love Fireman Sam too matey!... Dude... <Is in trouble and knows it>
Miss5: <Is doing the Team D dance, third movement>
You're not helping you know!

3. Miss5 rhymed a lot
Miss5 loves to rhyme. Miss5 cloves to clime.
Like that. It's my fault because I join in and probably start it. <Does shifty eyes>
It's become a way for us to talk now. A way for us to malk now.
It's kinda of hard to stop - hard to pop - once you get going - punce you get mowing.
I blame that 'step on a crack marry a bat' rhyme. Despite it’s wiseyness and educational value.
We just expanded it. Perpanded it a bit. In a Miss5 way.
Obvs. it's hella funny. But it does have it's dangers. Have it's crangers.
So from experience, meriance, here is my lost of words to avoid: Duck, gunner, plank, armpit,  bunting and parcel.
Yeah... really didn't hear the bunting one coming...

4. Miss5 hides a lot
In fact she loves to hide. Especially when I am trying to get her to do something. Brush teeth. Brush hair. Get dressed. Leave for school. Off she darts into the next room and then BANG! she's gone. Well SILENCE! she's gone.
Normally midway through me talking.
Under the bed, behind a door, under a desk, in a cupboard, behind a chair. In a tiny nook no one else could get into.
She is small and can squeeze into tiny places. And with all that hair as camouflage.
Miss5 can be like an mimic octopus (see ‘Octonauts and the mimic Octopus’)
One minute she’s there...
WHERE ARE YOU? <Is amazed>
Miss5: 'I'm here!'
WHERE? <Starts swishing the air with hands>
Miss5: 'Here!'
I Can't see you! ARRGHGGHGHH! Who's flicking my tummy!
Miss5: <Morphs out of the surroundings predator stylie> 'Me Daddy!'
<Covers self in mud>
<Is a teeny bit scared>

5. Miss5 can swim 10m
Without doubt. This is the single greatest thing I've done all year.
I helped teach Miss5 to swim. And she got her 10m badge. We did that together. Me and her.
I'm hella proud of her (and me). Swimming with Miss5 very quickly became a huge highlight of my week. I can't believe I ever let anyone else do it.
I'm not even good at it. I'm not. I try. But who cares, we have such fun! Just us two.
It's hella special.

6. Miss5 has picked a favourite Queen song
Some people agonise over this choice for years.
I do. Some never settle on a tack.
'Don't Stop Me Now' is where I'll normally settle. And then change my mind.
But at the young age of five. Miss5 made a choice. It's a big choice. A complex choice.
She’s gone with ‘Killer Queen’.
I'm hella scared, it's like she's warning us all already, ARGHGHGGH RUN FOR THE HILLS HELL HARPIE ON THE LOOSE impressed.

Bye Miss5.
It was delightful (if not a tad emotional... see this <Shudders>).
I was a real honour. Ya loon.

(You got the wallets?
Miss6: ‘Obvs!’
Good girl! <Runs too>)

[Is putting Miss6 to bed after a lovely birthday]
How's it feel being six then?
Miss6: 'I liked being five...' <Is a bit grumpy about it>
You did rock it
<We fist bump and da-da-da-daaaa>
I'm sure six will be even more fun <Crosses fingers>
Miss6: <Looks doubtful>
Imagine all the new, crazy, games and things we'll be able to do, together, now you're six!
Miss6: <Imagines it>
I KNOW! Night!
<Runs off to make dangerous plans>