Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

20 September 2015

7 Phrases That Have Changed Meaning Since Kids

Phrase 1: You want another drink(booze)?

This used to always be followed by a ‘yes please’. Now I either have to abstain and be sensible (urgh) or it's a rare night off and I drink like a dehydrated camel.

‘You want another drink?’
No thanks I want a lot of drink
‘Oh go on... ’
I can't, I have all three kids tomorrow, on my own
‘You can…’
They get up at 6 ready to play
‘What? AM?’
‘Ooooo that's harsh’
‘You realise it's 4AM?’
Is it?
<Grabs bottle and just starts chugging>
‘Down it you zulu warrior!’
‘Down it you zulu king, king, king...’
<Regrets nothing>

(Just one more beer then..)

Phrase 2: You look tired

This used to mean that one (I know posh or wot!) looked a little tired. It now means that one of us looks like the living dead and probably needs to sleep until the next big bang.

‘You look tired’
Do I?
‘Yeah. You eyes are all puffy’
<Touches eye-suitcases>
‘Your skin is pale and you're yawning all the time’
‘We’re stood in the women's lingerie section and you haven't made a single joke, blushed, suggested anything for me, and you’re not walking funny’
Yeah, sure, here's some money, get the kids something too

Phrase 3: We’re out of milk

When did milk become so important? Really when? Madness.

[Before kids]
We’re out of milk!
‘Oh no how will we make our tea?’
What about your breakfast muesli?
‘It’s a disaster!’
Beer? Health juice?

[After kids]
We’re out of milk! BabyBoy1 needs milk, Miss4 needs milk, Boy8 needs milk
What the hell are they going to live on for the day!

<Runs to the shops and finds last carton of milk being taken>

I'll give you £10 for that last carton of milk
How about... £10 and 24 pence and you can have my Darth Vader key ring fob
<Takes milk>
<Beats seller with milk carton until he gives back Darth Vader key fob>
(Worth a beating)

Phrase 4: You've got something on you

I used to be clean and well presented, enough, when out and about. Now however, if a top only has one milk stain on it, that one’s for weddings.

‘You’ve got something on you’
Have I? <Not even remotely surprised>
If it’s white it’s milk
‘It’s not white’
Creamy white? Could be puke
‘Not creamy white’
Is it greenish? That could be snot and puke and milk all mixed together
‘It’s not green’
‘It’s brown’
Oh that’ll be chocolate, don’t worry
<Wipes fingers and rubs of mark>
<Realises it wasn’t chocolate>
I have to go…
<Leaves scrubbing tongue>

Phrase 5: You want a smoke?

Why would you even ask me? In FRONT OF MY KIDS?
I've never smoked. EVER. It's for suckers.
‘You were smoking yesterday’
Ix nay <Does 'Shut Up' eyes>
‘… but you still owe me ten smokes for yesterday’
<Punches best friend, since age 4, in the face>
<Leaves with kids>

<Runs back, leans down, and whispers in mates ear>
See you this evening
‘Yeah... OK…’ <rubs face>
One more for appearances
<Kick kick kick>

Phrase 6: What shall we eat tonight?

I miss being able to eat what I want. It was nice.

[Before kids]
Italian? Mexican? Japanese
‘Ooo I love sushi’
‘Steak house?’
‘Chinese? French? Indian?‘
Let’s flip a many sided coin and then eat at all of them

[After kids]
‘Boy8 won’t eat pasta, rice or potatoes, unless they’re chips or roasted’
That rules out Italian and Chinese...
‘Miss4 will only eat vegetables and pasta’
That rules out Steakhouse, and Chinese again
‘BabyBoy1 can’t have anything too spicy or raw‘
And that rules out Japanese and Indian
‘Despite liking all the component parts, Boy8 won’t eat pizza the smegger’
Fish and Chips?
‘They never eat the fish’
So… sandwiches in the park?
Let’s make it special, let’s have ham AND cheese

Phrase 7: Fancy an early night?

‘Fancy an early night?’
<Runs off and comes back with candles, romantic CD (AC/DC’s Back In Black), snacks, and cups of tea>
‘For what? What’s all that stuff for?’
<Notices Mrs. Amazing has more clothes on to go to bed than a moment>
Er… You said early night…
<Sense of disappointment grows>
‘Yeah… Because I’m so tired, cream-crackered in fact!’
haha <Fake laughs>
<Tosses romantic crap out of the window>
‘Why are you naked?’
I lost my clothes… on the stairs
‘That’s weird...’
Yeah… I thought it would save time… <Mumbles>
‘OK… Night!’
<Sits awake in the darkness>
<Is concerned about the flames coming from outside of the window, but is naked so just goes to sleep>

Stupid lovely children.

(It’ll be fine 'till the morning…)