Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).
X

16 December 2015

560 Days Later (BabyBoy1)

I just want to stop a moment and talk about BabyBoy1 and where he is in his development.
Because he is developing super mega fast at the moment, which is great! Except it's not great, as well, as we are so busy with the other two, we are missing bits...

BOY8! I have told you to stop doing that seven times now!!!
You know at eight I get all punchy
Boy8: <Keeps poking the tele>
<Miss4 appears before me in dramatic tears>
Miss4 why are you crying?
<Points at Boy8 and emits a noise only dogs can hear>
Boy8 did what?
Miss4: <Incomprehensible whisper>
Speak up FFS
Miss4: <Cross shout> He breathed at me
Did he? The bastard And you're still standing?
I am sorry. But you seem OK you wuss, I wouldn't worry about it
Boy8: <Still poking the tele>
RIGHT! That's it Boy8! I warned you! Under the car you go
<Nearly trips over Miss4>
YES Miss4? WHAT?
Miss4: Boy8 smiled at me
GOOD!
Stop flicking the tele!!!
Boy8: <Strokes the tele>
ARGHGGGHHGGH <Flips out charges Boy8>
<BabyBoy1 tap dances through us all, juggling, doing card tricks, but no one sees>

So this is less of a tale than normal, more a changes in BabyBoy1 over the last 6 months summary: walking, starting to talk, and making his own choices.

a) BabyBoy1 still says 'DaDe' (so cute)
Yay: Very popular with his Dad (me), it makes me feel that I am special in BabyBoy1's life
Boo: Less popular with Mrs. Amazing as BabyBoy1 calls her 'DaDe' too
Boo: Calls a lot of things 'DADE', the cat, his chair, the fridge, kind of ruins my special feeling a bit...
Lalaalalaaaaalaaa not listening
<Puts fingers in ears and ignores little boy pointing at the bin and saying ‘DaDe>

b) BabyBoy1 high-fived me
We weren't doing anything special, he was just tottering past me. I was brushing my teeth. I held my hand out and said high five. I wasn't expecting much. I was expecting to be ignored really. But BabyBoy1 stopped and gave me a high five, smiled, and then tottered off again.
I have never felt, or been, so cool.
LOVE that BOY!


(Dude)



c) BabyBoy1 knows about, hangs about in, and despite the useless child proof lock, can open the fridge
Yay: He knows where the fridge is. The other two struggle sometimes
Boo: He helps himself to and eats my the cheese in the fridge
Yay: He gets the milk out when it is milk time, helpful
Boo: He leaves the door open, and pulls everything out onto the floor
Yay: He can lift 4pt of milk over his head
Boo: He spills milk a lot

d) BabyBoy1 can drink his milk on his own
Yay: It leaves us free to do other brilliant parents things (clean, tidy, tell off the other two, sleep)
Boo: If BabyBoy1 sits on his own, there isn't enough room on the sofa for me. As a gentleman I cannot ask anyone to move (except Boy8 who refuses)
BOO: I WANT TO BE HOLDING MY LITTLE BOY WHILST HE DRINKS HIS MILK

e) He can go up and down the stairs on his own
Yay: He's confident and ready to be more independent. I'm glad he can climb so well
BOO: IT GIVES ME A HEART ATTACK AND TAKES YEARS OFF MY LIFE EVERY TIME HE DOES IT I WISH HE WOULDN'T WHY DO IT! What's wrong with me carrying him?
Boo: He makes a mockery of the stair gates that I trip on daily

f) Says 'Duck' for any type of bird
Yay: It's funny and cute
Boo: He cannot issue warnings pertaining to incoming dangers

'Duck'
Where mate?
'Duck'
<Looks out of window> That's an eagle (it was not an eagle)
'DuckDuckDuckDuckDuck'
Where?
<Gets hit on head by Miss4's advent calendar that annoyed her>
Ow
'Duck'

(All birds are this, think about it, it makes sense...)

g) BabyBoy1 can reach everything now, he has mastered getting and climbing onto a stool
Yay: He feels more involved, and less 'too short'
Boo: He falls off a lot and then cries. It's a high stool
OH GOD NO: HE CAN NOW REACH EVERYTHING! Knives, guns, chocolate, tea bags, deeds... It is a nightmare
Boo: We have to hide the stool

h) He sits in his cot reading and shouting (happily) to the world for ages, whilst we drag ourselves out of bed
BabyBoy1 is without doubt our most patient baby, probably more by necessity than intention.
But he is loved for it all the same.
Yesterday he sat 'reading' some books on his own, for fifteen minutes. Amazing.
Afterwards of course he hopped up, stole some food from the fridge, climbed a stool, poked the cat and then started hitting the keyboard on my computer. He had to catch up.

i) He now runs away when he doesn't want to do something
Yay: He is really slow still, and easy to catch
Yay: He's just like his father <Runs>
Boo:  When you are sat with nappies ready, wipes to hand, BabyBoy1 running and hiding under the table is not helpful

j) He is very huggy
Yay: He likes hugging Boy8 and Miss4, it's very cute and Miss4 finally likes hugging him back sometimes.
Yay: He hugs me (which Miss4 never really did). I love hugs. His are the best second best.
Boo: He loves hugging the Cat. The Cat does not like being hugged. No touchy.

k) He understands so much more than we realise
This morning he watched me put down my tea to open the stair gate. Then he started climbing the stairs with me guarding him. We were off to brush his teeth, which he was very excited about.
Two steps up he remembered I had put my tea down and reminded me, without a single word, that I had forgotten my tea. He stopped climbing the stairs to check I had got my tea. Because he knew I would want it. Even though he was rushing upstairs for his favourite: teeth brushing.
He's only been around for 560 days. Yet he knows that I want my tea with me. He knew I had put it down and I had forgotten it. The more I think about this, the more it amazes me. BabyBoy1 stopped racing towards something he loves, to think of me, and something he thinks I think is important. He's not even allowed near my tea.
What a dude!

l) BabyBoy1 still has baby curls in his hair
BabyBoy1 is our last baby and we will never cut his hair.
<Produces a signed Arthur David declaring this>
Bad luck BabyBoy1.

m) BabyBoy1 loves to dance AKA tilt parts of his body
Which is lucky.
As I we dance about the kitchen most mornings.
Clearly Snow White had a profound affect on me as a young boy and as such, all work is accompanied by music (whistling is too much effort). Dishwasher, laundry, tying Boy8 to his chair, fighting off Miss4 with a chair and whip... morning stuff.
So we have music in kitchen regularly.
BabyBoy1 already has his own moves worked out and likes nothing better than wiggling over to me to show off his moves.
Or even better I pick him up and we waltz about the room for a while.
I lead.

n) Shouts 'Owwww' instead of 'Wahhh'
Yay: We appreciate the variety. 'Wahhh' was getting a bit passe.
Boo: It sounds like he is pain
Yay: It's kind of funny when you're at home, changing his nappy
Boo: It's horrible and you want to hide in big hole when not at home. As it sounds like you are the worst parent in the world and I wouldn't be surprised if social services didn't come a-knocking after that last trip out, I was only putting on his jacket, the ratbag.

o) Expects frozen peas from the freezer
I do not know how this has happened.
Whenever the freezer is opened and BabyBoy1 notices. He stops what he's doing. Rushes off to a cupboard and grabs a ramekin (small ceramic dish). He then waits there until you put some frozen peas into his pot.
Once he has them, he toddles off to the carpet and sits down to eat his frozen peas.
The lovely nutter.

(You sure you don't want them cooked? At least not frozen? <Shakes head>)

Other BabyBoy1 highlights include: climbing into the bath fully dressed, smiling a lot, sneaking into Miss4's room to play with Lego, looking innocent when caught playing with Miss4's Lego and then throwing it, will hit Boy8 on the head on command (yay!).
And: Eating brilliantly and patiently, burping almost on queue during me singing you to bed, was SO FRICKING excited about ‘In the Night Garden’ you stood and shouted at the tele, football skills to rival my own already (true story), threw a fork at my face (it hurt), no fear at all of water, Will hit boy8 on the head when asked, sings ‘Det Dit Doughhhhhh’ to Frozen with wide arms, regulary treads on the Cat and gets bitten, and did I mention? he has a million pound smile .

But there is one key thing that stands out about BabyBoy1.
When people meet him they tend to all say the same. He threw food at me.
What a happy little boy.

Which is true, on both counts. He is.
He's very happy (not weird happy though).
To me it's like he's looked at us all, the world around him, his toys, the Cat, and thought...

You're all nutters
Where's my cake?
<Points to us all in height order>
'You're fun, you're lovely, you're funny, you're hairy, you're fluffy'
'You all rock' <Does rock sign>
'All of this...'
<Motions to everything in the house>
'... is cool'
'I'm glad I'm here'
Where's my cake?

And I am really glad he's here too.
I love that little dude a lot. We're talking R2-D2 level here.
BabyBoy1 you rock. Already.

<Gives Mrs. Amazing a 'told you so' look>
<Mrs. Amazing mouths something back>
What? I should try squeezing what? Through where?
<Is shocked>
But that would really, really hurt!
<Gives me a 'I know' look>
Oh...


13 December 2015

My Christmas Present Onion (Layers)

I AM NOT COMPLAINING, I AM JUST SAYING (for your entertainment).
There's a difference.

E.g. This is just saying:
<Listens to Westlife on radio>
Ha! This suuuucks!
I'd rather this wasn't happening!
But hey ho!
<Hums along happy enough now has shared thoughts>

E.g. This is complaining:
<Listens to Beiber on radio>
OH GOD NO!
It hurts! It hurts! OWWWWY OW OW!!!
<Starts hitting the radio, whilst stuffing bread into ears>
He's in my mind! I am being polluted!
<Gets hammer>
... Can't. Bare. It...
<Smashing occurs>
Ahh.... better...
<Radio stops working>

But oh my Xmas-shizzle, is this Christmas requiring a lot of planning.
Team Parents (yay!) have had to call a lot of planning meeting of late. I love the tea and biscuits at the meetings, the organiser is HOT!, but they can drag on a bit and I always wish I took notes, because I seem to forget everything later, or stuff is made up.
The present requirements for this year, are well, complex...

How about a bit of coal for Boy8?
'Hmmm... not sure he will 'want' coal'
Bag of coal?
'Still probably no'
Does he like food?
'Er... sometimes'
<Both sigh>
Pie?
'He's probably thinking more a toy?'
Pie-toy? That's weird...
Miss4 into coal?
'She's probably thinking toy too...'
Cool, they can share
'Probably hoping for one each'
TWO TOYS! Jinkies!
<Gets a look for Jinkies>
I've been watching Scooby-Doo
<Still getting a look>
With Boy8! <Is lying>
And BabyBoy1?
'er... Coal is fine'

So obviously as we are all on the naughty nice list we will all be getting a FC present.
After last years mind change near disaster gate regarding Boy8's present. The letter to Santa rules were laid out very plainly this year.

a) Once the letter has been sent / burnt it CANNOT BE CHANGED.
It's like ordering with Debenhams on-line, once your order is in, it cannot be changed. Santa and one of the UK leading high-street stores (sigh!) web site, seem to have the same administration system. I forgive Santa coz well he has to draw a line somewhere. But Debenhams WTF! (Why can't I change my order? I had had too much wine and was drunk clicking, a mere 20 seconds later I wanted to change me order (second thoughts about the full scale R2-D2 for Mrs. Amazing, she probably only wants one), why can I not change it online? Do your computers (servers) work differently to everyone elses? DO THEY!) (the answer is no).

b) There is no cash alternative. Christmas is not a financial transaction (and never will be, unless you are going travelling).

c) You may only submit one letter per year. The administration staff get a bit cranky if they have to update your records constantly.

d) No weapons (Unless you need a sword for sword class).

e) None of the smegging pets need to write to Santa. And no the fish doesn't get a present. EVER.
The Cat may.

Fig 1. FC's present and stocking requirements

(The letter in a circle is to indicate that Boy8 and Miss4 have already written and chimney-sent their letters to FC asking for loot stuff).

As you can see, each child gets a present from Santa and a stocking. 
Me and Mrs. Amazing tend to get over looked by Santa for a present (we are naughty together sometimes), but we do get a stocking. BabyBoy1 doesn't send a letter as he is illiterate (still!).
The Cat gets a dotty line as he tends only to get a present if anyone else remembers he needs one.
The fish gets nought. HA HA!

Now then, that present requirement probably seems quite reasonable.
Let's add in Team Parents (yay!) presents.

Fig 2. Team Parents (yay!) present and stocking requirements

Easy.
Team Parents (yay!) get each child a present. Nice. 
Animals and livestock are out of our remit.
Note that the Team Parents (yay!) presents are smaller than FC's. We don't like to upstage the big guy. I am always DELIGHTED that FC gets the most present glory. As it should be.
<Grumbles>
Logistically up to here I am fine, my mind can cope with this. This is reasonable amount of presents I feel. 
It's the next layer that seems to cause Brainzilla problems...

Fig. 3. The kids presents to each other, and us AKA the start of the madness

Bollocks! 
Even as I draw this now, I realise BabyBoy1 hasn't got his Mum a present! (and again two days later!)
AND Miss4, whilst I know what she is getting Mrs. Amazing, I haven't actually ordered it.
CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!
<Goes on-line in mad panic>
<Gets distracted and buys booze and chocolate for self>

I have mentioned to a few people, enemies mainly
That the amount Team Parents (yay!) have to organise, is a lot. Some have responded with understanding and compassion.
'Ooooooo that's a lot of organise'
'Poor you'
'Duuuuude!'

Etc... As you would expect.

But others <sigh>... respond strangely with.:
<Snippy> 'Well it's your own fault for having three foul child spawner from Satan's own flock!'
Yes <Is confused, having listened to a hour of their tedious job complaints>
... I suppose it is <Fake smiles>
It's also my own fault for expecting simple, easy, empathy and compassion from you
Let's speak again later... some time in the future.. think personal robots...

A little support surely isn't that hard?

Anyhoo ho ho ho...

As fig 3. clearly shows there's quite a bit to work out and plan.
We hit the internet hard and ordered away. Once most things turned up we had another meeting (!) where we undid all the boxes, checked the right things were here, and then laid everything out on the bed in lines to make it easy for me to understand.
A few things were shuffled about, but we were 75% done.
Mrs. Amazing made a new list and we started operation 'stuff we forgot'.

Bet you thought that was everyone?
Nope... Grandparents...

Fig 4. Spaghetti Grandparents

Hurts doesn't it.
MY EYES!

This is the 'kids' chance to say thank you for all the care and support the grandparents provide through out the year. It tends to be a hand made (by child) gift that says we love you.
Without the grandparents helping out, Team Parents (yay!) ship would have sunk many years ago. Dramatically and with all hands going down.
So these are important presents.

Fig. 5 All the other relatives AKA when Brainzilla hides...
(Really it’s Jackson Pollock's- Wide Walls… but shhhhh)

OK fine. That's not really the image. 
Basically that information cannot be drawn on a computer. I tried and it blew up my computer. I tried a bigger super computer, and that blew up too.
But missing is: My siblings (kids aunts and uncles), siblings wives and husbands (kids aunts-in-law and uncles-in-law), my mnieces and nephews (kids cousins), my god-children and my god-parents, close friends and a man called Ed.
Mrs. Amazing's additional list is similar but she has more friends on it, me, and she still has grand parents living.
I've made a rough count, and it comes to roughly 57 presents. Shiiiit
No wonder we hand make so many presents! 
Yes we could skip a few. But we don't want to.
We like giving stuff. The impossible trick is doing it on the cheap.

As I said at the beginning I am not complaining.
I love giving presents to people we love. I love thinking about what they may like, and what might make them smile. It's a very personal thing you can do for someone.
I always feel quite upset if I cannot think of a present for someone, as though I don't know them well enough. Still, whenever that happens, there's still wine, beer, a mix tape, pie, chocs, dead arms...
The Christmas logistic may be close to madness, and very close to what ol' Brainzilla can cope with.
But I wouldn't change for all the life sized R2-D2's in the world.
And secret Santa's suck.

<Dusts self off and packs up keyboard, Tale done> ...
<Goes to make a cup of tea>
<Whistles randomly>
<Raids chocolate cupboard>
<Scratches>
<Smiles at tree, grabs chocolate off tree, makes it look like the kids took it>
<Sits and relaxes to eat chocolate>
<Isn't thinking about much and is happy everything is planned brilliantly and covered>
<When Brainzilla pipes up...>

MRS. AMAZING'S PRESENT!
SHIIIIIITTTTT!
<PANICS!>
<Runs>

58 presents.