Not spending quality time with TeenBoy15
I had a week off work (unpaid) because Team CoParent (woo!) both have to work, and someone's gotta be there with the kids, coz it’s the summer holidays!
I've booked two whole weeks off with the kids like this summer. Which I LOVE!
The bit I don't love is the no-pay bit, that's not so cool. Monies are low anyway, not being paid really doesn't help :)
I did ask work for more paid time off...
<Echoing laughter from five offices away>
They were not keen. Actually they were not keen about me even having the time off to look after my children which I am legally required to do, EVEN when they weren't going to pay me. It was weird, it felt very Victorian.
However knowledge is all, and I had a trump card. I requested Unpaid Parental leave. Ooooo.
Which as I see it is for parents that have child care requirements, and not enough holiday to cover it. Which is basically me.
(You could just take some Unpaid Parental Leave to spend more time with your kids, despite what your employer would like to believe - you don't actually have to work every single day! You can choose not to get paid, and spend time in the pub with your little un's).
So back I went asking for time off...
Boss: 'What is it now? More time <Starts giggling> time off?'
Yep!
Boss: <Grins>
Have you ever heard of something called Parental leave?
Boss: ‘<Smile drops instantly> But you're not a woman? Who mentioned this to you???’
Boss: ‘TELL NO ONE!’
Boss: ‘Fine. You gotta jump through these two hoops though’
<Jumps, jumps again easily>
I'll be out of the office on these dates, thank you!
<Grins>
<Punches the air and leave humming Alive and Kicking>
<Smashes Boss's crystal chandelier>
<Pauses for a moment, points out of the window and shouts 'Is that free money???'>
<Runs>
(I like what you’ve done with your office… <Looks about>
It’s a lot lighter and friendly now…)
Anyhoo...
So a week with just me, TeenBoy15, Miss11 and Boy8.
Except that Miss11 was off on Guide camp most of the week. So just TeenBoy15, Boy8 and I.
Except that although TeenBoy15 was there, I didn't see him much.
Not very much at all <Weeps>
His days mainly consisted of this:
1. Sleep until about 2pm.
2. Get up, shower, argue with anyone unlucky enough to cross his path.
3. Have fun/shout with friends at 2,000,000 dB on PS4 chat, making noises I am sure I've heard from the pig slaughter farm I grew up near.
4. Mumble Announce going out plans.
5. Leave to go out, 7-8 seconds later.
6. Arrive home, 1-2 hours later than agreed or planned, or messaged.
7. Look baffled when I suggest it's bed time at midnight, do 3) until 3am.
Repeat.
Obvs. I've spoken to him about what he's doing.
Living the hours of a vampire isn't actually very good for him and messes up my tuba practice.
He careth not.
His argument is this: "It's the holidays! I’ve no school! Why shouldn’t I?”
WELL for one… and, and…. then there’s… and I’ve got nothing.
He worked really hard during term (not mega hard mind) but hard enough that by the time the holidays came round, he needed it. Bad.
And before you scoff, before you pick up your monitor and throw it out of the window in disgust, before you grab your pen and paper and start writing me that letter so passively aggressively beginning with "Dear Muppet sir," (YES I see that lower case 's'! OOOOOOO that burns), he's just living his best life.
And who wouldn't want to do that?
I'm pretty sure if my circumstances allowed me to, I would be doing very similar to him. Maybe a few more pub library visits, slightly better planning, and definitely a few more chunks of time for sleeping personal reflection and meditation.
I also had words with him about most of the things he does that are annoying…
<Gestures to his entire body>
… and are a bit anti-social. Screaming at his mates on the computer high on the list.
But mostly he listens, nods, agrees, and then does it anyway.
So it's hard to know where to go with it after that.
I could get all draconian on him and try to enforce my will and rule onto him. But that's hard, tiring, he's taller than me, he runs off to his Mum's, and it's not really gonna help in the long run. Plus I'd hate myself for being that guy.
The only thing that still brings out the draconian in me is him being very mean to either Miss11 or Boy8. That's a big no-no, and I do tend to get the fire and brimstone backdrops out when that occurs.
(“Did you just hit your sister MOFO?”)
So TeenBoy15 has been doing pretty much what he wants as it's his holiday.
And what he wants is to hang out with his mates. Not me.
I won't lie. It hurts. We were brothers, Anakin!!! We were pretty close, me and TeenBoy15. We'd spend many hours together playing, watching tele, laughing, making up insane games. We had a reet laff petal.
But I've done a lot of thinking about it, remembering what I was doing at that age. And basically I am going to be reluctantly fine-okayish with it maybe.
Because actually it’s not what I need, it's what HE needs now that's important.
Urgh. <Hate's being all grown up and shiz>
So there will be no tears for me wishing he was with us playing and doing fun stuff.
No Sir!
I'm gonna be strong and just accept that what he needs right now is his friends more than his Dad.
<Howls uncontrollably and has to watch DuckTales (2017 version with David Tennant) to cheer up>
Still... It's not gonna stop me having the odd laugh at with him from time to time...
TeenBoy15: 'I'm out tomorrow'
Ok matey, where ya going, what ya doing, and when will you be back?'
TeenBoy15: 'Brighton, stuff, I'll text you'
You've answered almost nothing OK matey, have fun.
TeenBoy15: 'I'll probably leave about 3pm'
Ok... 3pm eh? ... Shall I set you an alarm? <Grins>
<Walks off chuckling to self>
TeenBoy15: <Does sardonic golf clap>
Then after nearly a whole week of not being on his dance card as it were, on the final day, on the final night… He goes and surprises me.
He appears early (ha! 10pm) on a Sunday night and asks if we can play a board game.
<Jaw hits floor>
<Gets out game, trying to stay cool about it, but trips and throws all the pieces everywhere as too excited>
We played a nice game (#IWon) and he even had a few growing up questions for me.
I think I fielded his questions well enough. I gave my standard three-tier answers:
1. Here comes The sciencey answer, as best as I understand it. Facts only.
2. The how I feel about it, and other key family members, answer.
3. And the society's overall view (utterly dumb or not) answer.
I think that works best. He can then pick what he wants, and at least feels I am being honest with him. (Tough, if it’s not, it's what he's gonna get anyway).
He had questions on stuff that probably your mates would tell you rubbish about, or simply not know and make up the answers….
Mate: ‘And that’s how the stork gets girls pregnant!’
TeenBoy15: <Is taking notes> 'Oh fine, I just won’t buy any storks'
Mate: ‘Yeah that’s my plan too’
TeenBoy15: 'I wonder if you can get stork repellent?’
…Stuff that experience and age are required for good answers, or you can only ask a parent because it's a bit naughty.
TeenBoy15: 'So where do I stick then?'
<Points> In there
TeenBoy15: 'Really? Has it always gone in there?'
Yes. Since the dawn of time.
TeenBoy15: 'Does it go anywhere else?'
Well... I suppose there are a few other places that, assuming you've got permission, can be OK, but don't worry about those for now....
TeenBoy15: 'Do I shove it in really hard?'
I suppose,<Is shocked> sometimes… But best not. Slow and careful is normal best...
TeenBoy15: 'What if I make a mess?'
Er... why would you?... Just tidy up and try not to make a mess!
<Gives TeenBoy15 a look>
What's with all the questions???
TeenBoy15: '...'
It's not as though you're not old enough to work out how to put towels away yourself! <Raises eyebrow and stomps off very suspicious>
TeenBoy15: <Leaves towel outside, but near, the cupboard>
He actually asks about something that appears to be too good to be true.
I explain it probably is. They always are.
Not in my normal mocking curt way, or with both eye brows firmly up.
No, I can sense this is an important moment for TeenBoy15, he's asked me something, like an adult would. I must respond in kind, if I want this to happen again (spoiler, I do).
So I give examples of when I've been tricked by these things in the past. I show him how to Google search about it, and then read the results with him, and then what those results also tell you.
And then feeling brave, I ask him why he wants the thing that is too good to be true, to be true. And we get to the heart of it - Spondulics Money.
I explain how I feel money works, that it's finite, so if you have lots someone else has none, which isn’t that cool. I explain that the happiest, nicest people I've met in my surprisingly long considering… life, all of them have been relatively poor.
I tell him what I aspire to, and what I do to achieve that.
He listens and asks more, and that's actually all I wanted, he asked, he listened.
Gawd it was good to be needed, if only for a brief moment, it was still good.
Apparently after the teen years they come back to you, so fingers very crossed.
<Crosses everything, falls over>
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