A Quick Five Minute Job (Takes Sodding Ages)...

It's amazing anything ever gets done with kids about.

Look at the step in this picture...

(The school shoes were refused...)

Shocking I know.

Sit if you need to. 

Ignore the shoes and Miss5’s foot. That’s another tale.

You’re looking at the step.

I walk over that step a lot.

It's my front door step and I notice it every time. It annoys me.

Despite my want, desire and need to paint it. It still hasn't been done. Something else is always more fun, important, someone has poo in their pants, the flock need feeding again, someone wants to show me something I've seen before, or the chocolate cupboard is just too darn full and there’s full wine bottles cluttering up the counter top.

Nothing bad has happened to the step.

Don’t worry. It's just a few years of innocent wear and tear.

I assume….

What are you doing? <Finds Boy8 near the step>

Boy8: 'Nothing'

Are you scuffing up the porch step? <Reins in anger>

Boy8: 'No' <Hides hands>

Show me your hands

Boy8: 'No' <Drops sand paper>

Is that sand paper? <Plots first date revenge, involving home-made Superman outfit, a bad Swedish accent and Boy8 as Boy1 photo-t -shirt>

Boy8: 'No... Why would I have sandpaper?...' <Has righteous indignation, yet cannot make eye contact>

<Calmly takes sandpaper> Anything else?

Boy8: <Reluctantly hands over paint stripper, blow torch, scuff-coloured paint>

You know this stuff doesn't help me?

Boy8: ‘Yeah' <Laughs> <Runs>

The scruffiness annoys me.

Of the step (mine is fine). It's a chank get-ter-on-ner-rer.

I feel the front door should look nice, even if inside the house is wall to wall kids crap toys and mine  jammed in and stuck to the walls.

The front door, should at least look nice.

(Possibly a bit showy…)

Of course painting the step is only a little job.

Get paint. Sit and paint. Job done. Five minutes maximum. 
Easy. Three simple steps and the job is done. Lovely.

Except it's not that. 
Life isn't like that any more. <WeepsRoars like a Lion>
This one little job... is going take a few days hours...
And have about fifty steps... <Motions to list of steps prepared earlier>

1. Get paint from shed.

2. Remove BabyBoy1 from the dangerous shed as he followed me in.

3. Lock BabyBoy1 out of dangerous shed.

4. Cheer up BabyBoy1 because he really wanted to hurt himself in the dangerous shed, and doesn't understand why Daddy stopped him.

5. Get stopped in kitchen and have to watch Miss5 walk through sunbeams. Faking fascination.

6. Make a cup of tea. Remind Boy8 football is for outside, only.

7. Realise I didn't get anything to open the smegging paint tin with. Swear internally.

8. Get big screwdriver from shed.

9. Remove BabyBoy1 from dangerous shed. Ignore crying this time.

10. Walk off, ignoring guilt of leaving BabyBoy1 crying face down on the ground. He will be fine.

11. Get stopped in kitchen and watch Miss5 spell out (yes watch) three words that are the spelt the same, but if you say them differently then they are spelt differently (??). 

<Puts mind back together>

12. Try to take football off Boy8 but fail and end up knocking something over. Swear internally.

13. Tidy up mess and ignore Boy8's mocking.

14. Finally sit and open paint.

15. Remove paint lid from BabyBoy1's hand as he has stuck up on me and I didn't see him grab for the lid.

16. Take BabyBoy1 to wash his hands.

17. Take BabyBoy1 to Mrs. Amazing for safe keeping.

18. Agree reluctantly happily that sitting in the quiet with a magazine, for sanity reasons, is just as important as painting a scruffy step.

19. Come back with BabyBoy1. Put cartoon on for him. His favourite and mine: 'Sarah and Duck'.

(Sarah: ‘Duck… We’re a bit low on food at the moment…

and there was a vote last night...)

20. Mentally set timer as 'Sarah and Duck's are only five minutes long.

21. Realise tea is cold. Make more tea.

22. Put paintbrush into paint, notice Miss5 standing there.

23. Explain to Miss5 what I am doing. Explain why I am doing it. Twice. Accept that not everyone (Miss5) sees why a step needs painting. Explain why white is the only colour going on here. No rainbows.

24. Get convinced that painting the step orange would very cool and go and see what Mrs. Amazing thinks.

25. Continue painting the step white, whilst reminding Miss5 to keep her ideas to herself.

26. Tell Miss5 to be careful, as the paint is wet.

27. Take Miss5 to wash her hands.

28. Paint over Miss5's hand print.

29. Retrieve paintbrush from BabyBoy1 who has stolen the paint brush and is slowly running away.

30. Put on another 'Sarah and Duck' for BabyBoy1.

31. Sit Miss5 in front of 'Sarah and Duck' as well.

32. Find Boy8 outside looking at paint on the bottom of his shoe.

33. Swear internally. Hit a few coats and hats in the porch.

34. Explain to Boy8 that the paint was wet. Explain why there wasn't a sign and really it's his fault for not looking where he is going.

35. Listen to Boy8 explain why it's my fault and there should have been a sign.

36. Pour all the paint over Boy8's head and then shove the brush up his nose to make myself feel better.

36. Accept that Boy8's has a point, he wasn't warned. But don't tell him that.

37. Paint over shoe mark.

38. Take Boy8 and clean the bottom of his shoe.

39. Return to find every flying animal in twenty square miles has landed on the wet paint. And got stuck.

40. Paint over the fools and try not to feel too cruel, or cackle out loud.

41. Tell ALL children, clearly, the paint is wet and to stay away.

42. Watch as ALL three are drawn towards the wet paint like they are being pulled into a black hole that's handing out chocolate.

43. Hatch a plan to get some quiet time and to give the paint a chance to dry.

44. Wrestle with the ethical consequences of the plan, the inevitable fall out. The price I will have to pay.

45. Accept the price and silently apologise to Mrs. Amazing in advance.

46. Say to kids…

Did you know Mummy is having a few minutes peace and quiet? Upstairs.

Make sure you don’t disturb her...

47. Watch as all three are drawn, like moths to a flame, towards Mrs. Amazing resting.

(Can’t resist... it’s just so ... Must! Must have!!! <Is thrown out of the store>)

48. Paint Step. Sit back and watch paint dry in peace.

49. Ignore sarcastic peace ruining tone from Mrs. Amazing. From upstairs...

Mrs. Amazing: 'Oh I am SO happy to see you ALL'
Mrs. Amazing: 'When I was TRYING to get a few moments PEACE AND QUIET?'

Mrs. Amazing: 'I THOUGHT Daddy was looking after you all?'
<Snigger>

50. Drink cold tea and wonder how best to make this up to Mrs. Amazing.

<Enjoys sun>

X

LyricTale: Praise You

In January, 1999, probably just after tiffin, ‘Fatboy Slim’ released a single from the rather excellent album ‘Come a Long Way, Baby’.

The single was ‘Praise You’.

(Big beat vinyl heaven… Mmmmm… <Drools>)

I love this song.

When it came out, the fuss as I remember it, was all about the video as it had some excellent dancing in it. And it only cost $800 to make (yes really), Which considering the awards it won, shows how smegging excellent itwasis (this is where 'itwasis' as a phrase was coined <Puts up a plaque> mark it well).

It features the fictional dance group 'The Torrance Community Dance Group', and well the results, are brilliant. I've been busting those on the dance floor for years in my mind.

But the song is brilliant too.

Lyrically, for me, this song has always been for Mrs. Amazing.

To me the songs tells of someone thinking about their relationship and how much it means. We, as the listener, have walked in on them butt-naked just at the moment when it dawns on them, they probably take their partner for granted. They don't celebrate and praise them enough.

Which does sounds pretty negative put that way, but for me the song is about realising the mistake and aiming to change it. So in fact a very positive song. Celebrating love and appreciation of that love. +ve. It says to me: Show Mrs. Amazing how happy she makes you by madly dancing, and don't take her for granted.

She'd rather go to the pub library.

But that’s changed.

I was out cycling with mini-Mrs. Amazing, Miss5, t'other day.

She had worked hard at cycling. She had complained her arms and then legs were tired at various points during the journey, but she had worked hard and I was proud of her.

Obviously I wanted to PRAISE HER (#ThePlotThickens) but as I went to.

I stumbled over my words.

I stumbled because what I was going to say was wrongo.

And I knew it. I was going to tell her she looked beautiful. WTAF?

The thought just flew into my head, I am very glad I caught it, and stomped it, before it came out. She did look beautiful. She looks like a mini-Mrs. Amazing. She's always going look beautiful to me.

But Miss5 had worked hard pedalling on her bike. What the hell does her looking utterly cute, and scrumptious, have anything to do with it?

Had it been Boy8 I would have said...

OMB! You are so slow, can you try cycling a bit faster next time... Shesh!

Nice cycling <High five>

Now watch a real man scoot off... <Scoots off>

But why?

Why did I want to tell her that she was beautiful?

What do I expect Miss5 to do with that information? Dad cares not how you cycle, but look pretty and you have his attention??

Urghghghgh!!! <Vomits on self> <Regrets it>

Brainzilla: 'You utter twonk'

<Nods> I just wasn't thinking...

Brainzilla: 'You know A LOT better than that'

<Hangs head in shame>

Brainzilla: 'And you look ridiculous scooting about at your age!'

<Stick fingers up behind back>

Brainzilla: 'I can see that you know'

<Does both hands>

My Miss5 plan.

Is to raise a brilliant (no pressure), funny (already there), friendly (meh, enough...), interesting (with spades) woman. Someone that I can sit in the pub with, and might lose at billiards too, every planetary alignment now and then.

I definitely don't want Miss5 worry about her appearance. I want her to love her body, her look and herself. Like she should. And better than I have.

As Dad my influence in this area is probably bigger than I expect. I am her male role model. Ek.  I have an awesome responsibility, and with great responsibility comes spider webs a daughter. I need to make sure Miss5 knows I love her for being her.

Not how she looks.

So when lying cheating swines men do enter her life, Miss5 expects the same from them.

To be loved and praised for what she is.

Not how she looks.

Brainzilla: 'You! Idiot!'

Yes alright! I didn't say though, did I!

Brainzilla: 'Yeah. But you thought it?'

Fur-cough Yes… But I won’t again...

So ‘Praise You’ is now for Miss5.

And yes Miss5 it has been a long journey together so far, and not always easy you terror.

But it's been bloody awesome too and I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. You are the second most amazing person I have ever met. I just need to remember to praise you… praise you like I shouldddddddddddd-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d...

<Leaps off madly>

<Hurts knee>

[Me and Miss5 out on bikes]

"We've come a long long way together,"

<Looks back> I can still see the car... <Rolls eyes>

I could probably still touch it to be honest

"Through the hard times and the good,"

Crying won't those pedals turn, now will it?

Miss5: <Innocently flutters eyelids> 'Can you push me?' <Is tiny>

<Is caught in mind controlling tractor beam eye fluttering he doesn't understand>

<... Tries to resist...>

<Ends up pushing>

Miss5: 'You know what Daddy?'

<Is pushing> Nope... What?

Miss5: 'Crying did make my pedals turn!'

<Instantly stops pushing>

Yeah... <Doesn't swear> Yes it did... HA... HA... haaarrrrrr... <Still doesn't swear>

"I have to celebrate you baby,"

Hooray! We've made it!

Miss5: 'Hooray' <Leaps about>

We made it all the way here, within THE DAY!

Miss5: <Still leaping about>

We were probably traveling at 1mpw, maybe 2mpw (miles per week)...

Miss5: <Still fisting pumping around in a circle>

"I have to praise you like I shoulddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd"

Excellent cycling Miss5! You are brilliant!

Look at those muscles getting stronger every day.

All your hard work paid off! Look how far we've come! <Gestures>

<Can still see the car, but it's a bit smaller at least>

[Mad dancing in video starts]

"We've come a long long way together,"

Miss5: 'Oh NO! I forgot my hat, it's all the way back at the car'

Not to worry, I'll get it… <Walks> <Is back in seconds>

"Through the hard times and the good,"

Miss5: 'My legs hurt!'

Uh-huh. Keep pedalling...

Miss5: 'My arms hurt!'

Uh-huh. Keep pedalling...

Miss5: 'My hat keeps falling off!'

<Gaffing tapes hat to head> Uh-huh. Keep pedalling...

"I have to celebrate you baby, I have to praise you like I should"

Miss5: 'Up high!'

<Bends down to high five>

Miss5: 'To the side'!

<Knees hurt, side fives>

Miss5: 'DownLow' <No pause> 'You'reTooSlow'!

<Is utterly gutted> Har har har bugger...

"I have to praise you"

You look pretty today

You bloody nailed that!

"I have to praise you"

I like your dress

With that flowery dress on, you could hide in gardens and leap out at people and scare the crap out of them!!!

<Both run off to do that>

"I have to praise you"

Your hair is looking lovely

Is that brain leaking out of your ears? Common problem when you have a lot...

"I have to praise you like I should"

BOOM POW! You are amazing! BRILLIANT CYCLING!

<Throws giggling girl about in the air>

[Mad dancing continues, mean man turns off music mid-video]
[Boos] [Music goes back on] [Cheers]

"I have to praise you"

You rock! <Does secret handshake> <Hugs>

"We've come a long long way together,"

Miss5: 'I can't go any further.. no more'

Hmmm... <Hopes car is like Kit and has driven round to pick us up, as we have only travelling away from the car>

"Through the hard times and the good,"

Stop crying... We just have to cycle all the way back now. Crying doesn't help that!

<Wind blows and Miss5 doesn't move, despite pedalling hard>

Cycling into the wind won't help much either... <Fears for the worst> <Fears we won’t get home this year>

"I have to celebrate you baby,

"I have to praise you like I shoulddddddddddddddddddd-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d"

Come on. You can do it. You are tough RARRRRRRRR!!! GO GO!!!

Miss5: 'RARRRRRRRR' <Pedals off>

"I have to praise you"

Ah-hem. Ladies and Gentlemen. My amazing daughter... Miss5.

"I have to praise you"

A evil genius hell bend on world destructive and enslaving everyone to her wicked designs and schemes! RUN!

Already an amazing and interesting person.

"I have to praise you"

There will be pom-poms and glitter everywhere!!!

She has nothing but potential in her. She can do anything. I know it.

"I have to praise you like I should"

Everywhere!!! RUNNNNNNN!!! <Is attacked by pom-pom guards shooting glitter guns>

Miss5 I love everything you are, it’s brilliant <Motions at all of her>

"I have to praise you"

You rock <Hugs>

OWWWWW!!! <Rubs shin> What was that for?

Miss5: 'You told everyone my evil plan' <Is miffed>-

OWWWWW!!! <Rubs other shin> Stop that!-No one read this far, it’ll be alright…

[Crowd cheers]