LyricTale: Black Star

Back in 1995, about march time. Radiohead released The Bends.

I was just the right age, had the right temperament, and outlook on life… to utterly fall in love with it (yes, thanks to you little bruv). It is still one of my favourite albums.

It is currently ranked as 111th in the “Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest albums of all time”. Which ain't that bad and shows it wasn't just me that liked it.

I appreciate that Radiohead isn't for everyone, but equally, neither are tights. But that doesn't mean I can’t like them…  no wait… hang on… that may not scan right...

(Actual amount of bends given may vary…)

If you do have a Radiohead allergy there is a simple cure (no pun) apparently. All you have to do is bang your head against a wall, as fast as you can, brick-ier the better. Works everytime.

Anyhoo.... 

On the Bends is a blinding song called Black Star.

It doesn't even have a wiki entry it’s so awesome. But lyrically I love it and wonder if Thom York (Radiohead singer) was talking about his wife and kids (which I don’t think he had at that point). 

To me I hear a tired Team Parents (yay!) doing their best with family life, trying not very hard to become alcoholics, loonies, or boring...

“I get home from work and you're still standing in your dressing gown”

Ah yeah!<Does gonna get some dance>

Have you even moved today? <Gets killed>

Right... OK <Mentally adjusts and readies self for second shift of the day>

“Well what am I to do?”

<Holds Mrs. Amazing and looks her in the eyes>

I am here to help. I love you. They will leave home eventually

What do you want me to do first?

<Points at the children> ‘Remove them…’

On it <Has good idea> Cuppa?

‘As long as it doesn't hinder the children removal, yes please…’

“I know all the things around your head and what they do to you”

Miss5! Boy8! Stop buzzy around Mrs. Amazing’s head!

Can't you see she's about to explode!!!

<All step back>

Actually we better run… just in case…

<Bang>

“What are we coming to?”

What have you three been doing to your poor mother?

<Miss5 shrugs> <Boy8 shrugs>

<BabyBoy1 runs straight into a wall, and cries>

<Mrs. Amazing picks up BabyBoy1>‘... All. Smegging. Day’

“What are we gonna do?”

<Acts in charge> You two, get naked, then bath. You, go shower! Go! Chop chop!

<All three runoff in opposing directions and start putting on more clothes>

<Mrs. Amazing collapses in tears of laughter>

You’re not helping, you know...

‘Not trying to!’ <More tears>

“Blame it on the black star. Blame it on the falling sky”

[BOOM][BOOM][BOOM][BOOM]

What in the name of Geoffrey's Boycotts rhubarb is that running across the floor upstairs?

‘Ol' twinkle toes herself... Miss5’ <Is opening wine>

[BOOM][BOOM][BOOM][BOOM]

“Blame it on the satellite that beams me home”

My bike had a puncture...

'Oh no! How'd you get home them?'

Attached myself to an email.... <Skips off>

“The troubled words of a troubled mind I try to understand what is eating you”

Tell me again, slowly... with actions... what Boy8 did?

Because your voice has gone up an octave that I cannot hear

<Mimes BabyBoy1 and Miss5 minding their own business, playing nicely>

<Mimes Boy8 entering, armed to teeth with Nerf guns and water balloons>

I see...

“I try to stay awake but its 58 hours since that I last slept with you”

<Gets into bed after a long day> Night darling

Miss5: ‘Night Daddy’

What? What are you doing in here?

Boy8: ‘Night Dude’

And you! What are you doing in here?

<Gets attacked by BabyBoy1>

BabyBoy1: ‘DADDDDDADDDADDD’ (* ‘ Dad!’)

Is Mummy even in here? Where is she?

“What are we coming to? I just don't know anymore”

I love you and wish we could spend more time together

‘Huh? Sorry I drifted off, just so tired… What do you love?’

You

‘Zzz’

“Blame it on the black star. Blame it on the falling sky. Blame it on the satellite that beams me home”

Oooo it’s dark out...

‘Where's your scooter?’

<Whimpers a bit> I feel off and hurt my knee <Shows grazed knee>

Then some big kids laughed at me <Wipes snot from nose> So I threw it away

‘So how'd you get home?’

… Tweeted myself <Skips off>

“I get on the train and I just stand about now that I don't think of you

I keep falling over I keep passing out when I see a face like you”

‘How much did you drink after work?’

I havn’t been out for ages (hic) <Falls over> I think my low is thresh-thresh-old

‘How much did you drink?’

I only had a bag of crisps <Passes out>

“What am I coming to? I'm gonna melt down”

‘Why're you crying?’

It's this film, it's just so… so…  heart wrenchingly sad...

<Picks up box> UP!, stern stuff <Is ripping it>

But it's just so SAD! <Weeps>

What is wrong with me?

“Blame it on the black star. Blame it on the falling sky. Blame it on the satellite that beams me home”

‘Bike’s got a puncture, scooters abandoned, you must have walked home tonight!’

Nope... I got someone to fax me home <Skips off happy>

<Worries about increasingly mad husband>

“This is killing me”

So the deal is, for each annoying thing that happened in your day, you get a thimble of wine

<Grabs the bottle and starts chugging>

<Empties bottle>

‘Thimble too slow. Next bottle please’

<Passes bottle and starts opening next case>

“This is killing me”

Instead of going to bed at 10 pm. I suggest we go to bed at a time that allows us to catch up on the sleep we lost the night before

‘OK, sounds like a good idea, so what time do we go to bed tonight?’

<Calculates> Half past four...

Before the kids...

We'd miss Octonauts?

Bye Miss4... HELLO Miss5!!!

Miss4 has turned into Miss5. By magic.

It is was inevitable it is your destiny to be honest, she's been Miss4 for ages.

Years.

How's it feel to be five?

'Oh brilliant, very cool' <Nods a lot>

Oh yeah? How so?

'Well I'm five tall now' <Stands on tiptoes>

Yeah? Is that much taller than, let's say... yesterday?

'.. suppose not...' <Come off tip of toes>

'... But I am five strong now'

<Shows me her muscles>

<Looks> ... What are we looking at?

<Points> 'There'

<Looks harder>Where?

<Points> 'There!!!'

<Strains to see>

Oh yes! <Lies> I see!

'Told you. FIVE strong!'

You sure did. Very cool.

'...'

...

'Can I drive the car now I'm five?'

Nope

'Can I stay up late and watch violent Boy8's cartoons?'

Yeeee-Nooo

'Can I watch Star Wars Episode III?'

Nope

'Do I still have to go to school?'

Yes... and for quite some time

'Till I'm six?'

Yes, maybe even longer <Refrains for mentioning the ghastly truth>

'Am I old enough to light the fire now'?

No. But you can pass me logs and crumple paper

<Is unimpressed>

'Do I get any Super Powers at five?'

Try jumping through that wall

<Splat>

Ha ha! Seems not

Nope

'...'

'WHAT DO I GET AT FIVE THEN???'

<Thinks, but has no ideas>

... Show me that muscle again...

'This one?' <Points>

Oh yeah, Ooooo! That's big! You must be very strong…

'Five Strong actually'

Indeed

OO! I just thought of one thing you do get at five!

'Wot?'

<Gives a five hug>

I have seen on other blogs and websites that it is quite customary to write a gushing and frankly puke inducing list of things that you love about your child once, and whence, and whencever (all real words) they have a birthday.

I did contemplate writing a 'gusher' as it were. And I could.

But then I thought naaaa... No one wants to read that.

Miss5 (née Miss4) knows I love her.

Instead I thought I'd write a list of all the things the-artist-formally-known-Miss4 is and does that I think makes unique and rock quite so hard.

Essentially, a list of reasons why I would want to hang out with Miss4 in the pub library...

1. Miss4 claims all farts

If someone farts, and no one apologises or owns up, Miss4 will put up her hand and say she did it.

Even if she didn't.

Karmic-ally speaking that is mind blowing. What an amazing selfless gesture. On the road to inner peace she is already working out which exit she needs to take. What a star.

Try it yourself next time, take someone else's fart shame.

We should all do that.

2. Sweets

Miss4 shares her sweets with everyone around her, until they are gone.

She doesn't make a fuss. She just shares. Even if they are just for her, or it's a tiny bag of sweets. She shares.

In fact Miss4 will hunt you down and offer you a sweet. Which considering her little legs and the million stair gates we have through our house, is no mean feat for her.

It's not as though she doesn't like sweets, she loves them. But she wants to share them more than she wants to eat them all. What a weirdo. I've literally no idea where she's learnt this from. Me and Mrs. Amazing share, we do. But we are firm believers in 'snooze you lose', or 'be upstairs when the sweets are opened, get no sweets', or 'if you're not hiding in the cupboard with us whilst we eat all the sweets, you get none'.

Imagine Miss4 (in years to come obv.) in the pub, coming to find you, just to make sure you've got a drink. Blinding!

3. The need to rock

Despite loud noises hurting her teeny ears. Miss4 understands and appreciates the need to rock.

More specifically, Miss4 understands my need to rock, whilst driving.

The other day we got in the car and Muse, who do very much rock, were playing. Miss4 was in the front with me and the music was lovely guitar crunchy rock. 

Only it came on at a sensible volume. Ew. I left it that way as I didn't want to blast Miss4 with loud music. I need not have worried.

Whilst I drove off, Miss4 leant forward to the CD player, pressed and held the volume button until it hit suitable gurning volume.

Then with a smile, Miss4 sat back, put her fingers in her ears and we rocked out together.

(And now... Row, row, row your boat )

4. It's her world and we are but guests in it

I utterly love this about Miss4.

Miss4 doesn't need my approval, or yours, or Mrs. Amazings, or Boy8s. She'd like it, don't get me wrong, she loves fitting in. She likes being part of a team. She loves to get praise just like everyone else. 

But she won't pretend to enjoy something just to please you. If you're doing something she doesn't want to do, then she'll move on. None of this waiting and hoping crap.

You wanna play ball? I wanna play Lego. You play ball. I'm playing Lego.

You want into her world? And you do, then it's on her terms.

She does not exclude or ignore, she isn't mean and she isn't cold. She will happily play your game, do your challenge, be with you. But the moment she's not having fun, or she's bored. Your time is up.

It's her world and we are but guests in it.

5. Pom pom

Miss4 loves pom-poms. Little balls of string that you can glue to stuff. Lovely.

But for her it beyond that. She loves the words pom-pom too. In fact she uses it quite often as we talk.

How was your day?

'Pom-pom'

What did you have for lunch

'Chicken and pom-pom'

Did you do any sticking today, stick down any small balls of string?

Yes <Grins>

6. Miss4 is a master builder

I consider myself creative. 

And thus blessed / cursed with a good imagination.

Mrs. Amazing: 'What shall we do today?'

Let's invent a mega-fast-drive and fly to America, I will dress as an orange penguin and we can sneak onto George Lucas's ranch. Once on the ranch I will steal four horses, convince them through a new found horse whispering ability, that they want partake with me in a horse-penguin extravaganza show to grab Georges attention. As George watches, you swoop in and wow him with your youness, George befriends us, and we all fly about galaxy in the Falcon!

'... orrrr... we could visit your Mum for lunch?'

Yeah... we could do that instead...

My idea sounded more fun though

<Is a little huffy>

‘And nuts’

‘Maybe next week’ <Pats me on head>

I seem to have two LEGO modes. 

I can either allow my O.c.D. tendencies to rise up, like a big careful and precise monster, and follow the instructions TO THE LETTER! As the Lego Gods intended, ultimately tearing myself apart as I fail to achieve the perfection I strive.

Or I can don my snowboard, gloves, lipsill, and really head off off-piste. And build mad crap. Lego constructions without reason or use or logic. And whilst I consider the mad crap I make to be of highest... er... crapness madness.

I am but a student to Miss4's Lego creative master.

She builds with heart and soul.

(How long did that take you?... Two minutes… Shiiit)

But that's not the brilliant bit. The brilliant bit is that through her surreptitious use of the phrase pom-pom whilst I we singing along to songs, she can reduce me to tears of laughter. There is somewhere inside my little girl, a comedic genius lurking.

As always with comedy, it's the timing she does so well...

[John Lennon's - Imagine plays, I sing along]

“Imagine there's no heaven”

“It's easy if you try”

“No hell below us”

“Above us only...”

<Shouted from the back> 'POM-POM'

“Imagine all the people living for today”

<Giggles from the back>

<The seriousness and gravity of the lyrics are utterly undermined, I crack up, and end up laughing through the rest of the song>

<Mrs. Amazing gets in the car to find me and Miss4 dying of laughter to John Lennon's Imagine>

<Mrs. Amazing ignores us>

7. Miss4's favourite is not me

It's Mrs. Amazing. I know it. You know it. We all know it. BabyBoy1 knows it.

Miss4 is not subtle in her Team Parent (yay!) preference either. The t-shirt and matching hat are hurtful, even Daddies like hugs sometimes.

But it is fine. Being second to Mrs. Amazing is not a bad place to be. And those two do seem to have things in common, that I do not. Physical things. They both have long hair.

At present I find I have to work hard to win Miss4's love at the moment, and whilst that sucks on many, many levels, and really I wish Miss4 would be more Daddy friendly. We do have our moments.  

And there is one very clear silver lining to this. Miss4 has learnt, already, just how much she is worth to me and she uses it merciless against me. At only four, Miss4 understands her self worth better than most adults I know.

Long may it reign Miss4.

8. Miss can be as fierce as hell

I think other tales on here will explain how fierce you are better than I will now LINK.

But I will add this.

When Miss4 ripped her curtains, and rail, from the wall, pulling the raw plugs out too, when she did that at bedtime in anger and defiance because she didn't like the nice butterflies stickers on your wall.

All of a sudden.

That night, after I had calmed down and screamed into a pillow for a bit, had quite a few cups of tea, eaten a whole chocolate bar, bitched about how long it was going to take me to re-drill the holes for her curtain rail. After all that joy. It was then that I released just how fierce, spirited and full of fire you really are.

I am so bloody proud of you.

9. Nose picking

My rule is you can pick your nose as long as no one else sees. Which I think is fair.

Fingers fit nostrils for a reason.

Miss4 accepts this rule, and now hides under a blanket or duvet, so I can’t see. Whilst she picks her nose. 

Genius.

(Bye Miss4... You were magic!)

[Is putting Miss5 to bed after a lovely birthday]

Can I have big five year old hug?

<Asks because Miss5 does not want to be hugged sometimes><But hates having to>

'NO'

<Internal tears nearly start, but gets a grip, and instead thinks>

Then can I have... a big four year old hug?

'Yes'

<Secretly gives a five hug>

Missing My Baby...

A while back Mrs. Amazing took BabyBoy1 and headed off into the wild, where the wine bars are to see her mates.

Leaving me, Boy8 and Miss4 alone.

[Front door shuts and we all run round to wave goodbye]

[Miss4 waves the hardest]

[Boy8 is making plans and waving]

[I'm waving trying to think of a plan]

Boy8: How long has Mum gone for Dad?

Two enormous, enduring, long lasting, never ending days

<Miss4 switches waving arm>

Boy8: Does that mean you are in charge?

YES! I am normally!

Cha! <Is slightly outraged>

<Boy8 says nothing>

OK... Joint in-charge, me and Mrs. Awesome rule together with an iron fist

<Boy8 nods, slightly sarcastically>

<Miss4 switches waving arm again>

Boy8: Are we going to be OK?

Yeah... We'll be fine...

<Boy8 does not look convinced>

Probably...

No

<We all huddle together for safety>

...What was that noise?

It's was funny not having BabyBoy1 around.

It was strange. He’s always there at home. Obviously I get a few moments every now and then without anyone of them in the house, which is sheer bliss. But I don’t tend to miss BabyBoy1 then. It's nice to be alone. 

But this time I wasn't alone, I still had Boy8 and Miss4 all up in my grill existing and... and stuff... I found I missed the noisy, happy little one, that gives the best hugs. (He does full body hugs. He is tiny.)

My littlest boy that walks into tables, dances like a loon, shouts at nothing and is damn happy most of the day...

I missed my littlest dude.

There a few things in the house that stood out for me. A few things that are just for BabyBoy1 and as such reminded me totally of him...

1. Stair Gates.

We have three in our house. One to stop BabyBoy1 going upstairs on his own and then falling down the stairs. Another one to stop BabyBoy1 going downstairs on his own and falling down the stairs. And one more to stop him getting into the tiddly (utility) room and pressing buttons on all the machines.

Of course BabyBoy1 is perfectly safe going up and down stairs. He does it carrying stuff now. 

That doesn't mean watching him go up and down the stairs isn't horrible and a building heart attack waiting to explode in my face and cover me with goo. Because well… it is.

But he can do it.

We often forget to shut the stair gates. I often walk into them. The one in the tiddly room is so often open, I wondering why its even there. Coz it’s funny making the Cat jump it.

The weird thing is.

For the two days BabyBoy1 is gone, me, Boy8 and Miss4. All of us walk around the house shutting the gates behind us. And then opening as we need to go by, and then closing them behind us. Keeping the tiny boy that isn't even there, safe.

That’s pretty mental sweet I feel.

(I have installed these around the house... It hasn't worked and now they all swear...)

2. Stools

No not that type. I mean the height extending types. 

BabyBoy1 has stools so he can reach sinks. So he can brush his teeth with us all. Little face just reaching. It’s cute.

The stools though are hella annoying. They are non-slip which means they don’t slip. Nor can you shove them, push, shove the door open if one is behind it. Nothing.

So whilst BabyBoy1 is gone the stools are quickly, by me, and many times due to the non-slip evil, kicked out of the way.

On the first evening I noticed that both Boy8 and Miss4 insist on using the stools as they brush their teeth. Thus perpetuating the non-slip evil.

What are you doing?

Boy8: ‘I'm brushing my teeth’

Faints

I can see that…

Why are you stood on the stool that I carefully kicked into the corner?

‘So I can do this’ <Boy looks me straight in the eyes>

<He’s on tip toes on the stool to do so, but it’s very unnerving anyway>

...

<Miss4 walks by carrying another stool to her room>

Where are you taking that one?

Light-switch <Doesn't stop to explain>

It seems that without BabyBoy1 in the house, both Boy8 and Miss4 claim and start using his stools for everything they can.

Once he was back they stopped.

They’re weird sometimes.

3. Nappy paraphernalia

This is everywhere in the house. BabyBoy1 is our third child. Team Parents (yay!) are tired and we don’t like to have to hunt and find nappies or wet wipes, every time Captain Poo struts his stuff. So we have secreted nappy paraphernalia everywhere.

Of course once BabyBoy1 isn't in the house. We just have a house with wet wipes and nappies everywhere.

It’s a bit weird to be honest.

4. BabyBoy1 toys

I don’t think is going to be much of shock to anyone to be honest.

But BabyBoy1 has lots of cool toys, HE’S GOT A BATMOBILE, and rather than respectfully leave those toys alone, and undisturbed for two days, whilst he was gone.

We did the opposite.

Well kind of. Not the exact opposite as that is always dumb. But we did play with them a lot bit. And maybe not always in the manner expected by the manufacturer.

Everything was fair game it seemed. I wasn't exactly encouraging them to play with BabyBoy1’s toys, they did that fine on their own. It was just that my normal reason to stop them, had gone.

It’s hard to convince Miss4 that she may upset BabyBoy1 by driving in his Bat Car. when he’s not there to see it. It’s much more fun to push her around in the Batmobile and enjoy the giggling.

It was fine, we broke nothing that was noticed.

(Still amazing... Oooo... Batty...)

I think we all missed BabyBoy1 a lot.

(And Mrs. Amazing loads obviously, in case you are wondering, we all missed her tonnes)

I think Boy8 and Miss4 missed him a lot more than they thought they would. They do play with him a lot. So I suppose that makes sense. I just don’t think they realised.

It’s funny how someone so little, that sleeps twelve hours a day, can’t talk, makes little sense, shouts a lot, throws food everywhere, poos a lot and is constantly causing trouble, can affect your life so much and be so damn miss-able.

He is though.

[Two days later]

Boy8: ‘What’s this?’

Let’s call it me protecting myself against anyone telling Mrs. Amazing what we really got up to, for two days…. OK?

Just sign here

Boy8: ‘Why should I?’

So it can happen again...
<Boy8 rapidly signs>

You too <Passes pen to Miss4>

<Draws a picture of a flower with pen>

That’ll do…

Now, we need to practice, what have we been up to?

Boy8: ‘We read a lot, watched films, played cars, eaten lots of vegetables and we ate at the table together every time, not in front of the TV!’

Good… Miss4?

Miss4: ‘We have bathed each night, brushed our teeth, combed our hair, and got up at a normal time!'

Good!

Miss4: ‘... But we didn't…’

We did <Gives Miss4 a look>

Miss4: <Nods>‘Oh! Yeah' <Smirks> 'It's a secret!’

[Mrs. Amazing arrives home]

<Miss4 tells her all>