She Needs Padding

Miss4 is due to start school in less than a month CRAP!  Ekk!

What is utterly frightening and where on earth has all that time gone?

How can Miss4 be ready to enter academia already? She's tiny! There must be some mistake...

<Phones council>

<Phones school>

<Phones Mrs. Amazing>

... seems there is no mistake, Miss4 does start school in September.

Also, I shouldn't phone Mrs. Amazing when she's sat right next to me. She screens my calls

But on the plus side, Miss4 is going to LOVE school.

It feels like school was created just to please her.

There will be so many things to do, other children to play with, things to make.

She can glue and glitter the entire world if she likes.

There will be more paint available than she could ever use in a day!

There's loads of drawers and weird little boxes, full of weird little things.

She is going to love it!

(What is not to love here?)

She is so ready and keen to learn. She's like a sponge at the moment.

She practices her sounds all on her own.

'Cat!'

'C' <Showers me in spit>

'C' <Again, showers me in spit>

'C' <Looks at me for confirmation of correct sounding>

Very good

<Wipes away spit>

Miss4 has listened for ages to Boy8 learn his numbers and letters. And now she wants in. 
When Boy8 has had to practice his maths in the car, all of a sudden we noticed that Miss4 could answer some too. Without us knowing she had been listening and learning and understanding. She had been getting free schooling. That's mad!

And most importantly she's going to get all the attention she deserves. WE do our best to shine a light on her, we really do. But BabyBoy1 is quite a light stealer. His attempts at injuring himself, are generally quite high priority.

'Where's BabyBoy1?'

I donnnnnnnnn't know... <Panic sets in>

<Washing machine starts>

'Did you put on the washing machine?'

<Both run>

<Finds BabyBoy1 pressing every button he can on the washing machine>

And Boy8 is so much bigger and louder than her. He really can dominate our attention.

I try as hard as we can to make her feel special. Because she is really special to me, she's my only girl. I tell her that too. I don't want her to feel she is middle child fodder, instead I want to feel she is quite unique in our little clan.

But I know it's still not enough. I can't match the attention I gave Boy8 when he was smaller, well, not without ignoring Boy8 totally now. But that just seems a bit mean.

'Dad can we play Cricket?'

Nope sorry, your time is up

'What?'

Yeah, your Daddy time is up. You didn't think it was forever did you?

'Well... I kinda...' <wells up>

It's Miss4's turn now

<Tears trickle down face>

Do you mind answering this questionnaire for me, be honest 
<passes clipboard>

<Bottom lip wobbles like a jelly>

Do you need a pen 
<passes pen>

<Boy8 takes pen and writes something>

Let's see what you put

Oh...

That's not very mature is it...

And it's 'you're', not 'your'...

and there's only one 't' at the end of 'twat'

But what about BabyBoy1, do I just skip Miss4 totally as a lost cause and just concentrate on him?

No. She gets her time.

I made this decision years back. Each child gets as big a slice of pie as I can give and that's it. I can't do more, so why beat myself up about it.

I love pie. No, they can't have any of my pie.

Speaking of pie, and fleetingly returning to the point of this article…

(Made by my own fair hands, and eaten by my own fairly large stomach)

We need to put some padding on Miss4 before she starts school.

Starting school will be exhausting for her and there will be loads and loads of new germs for us all to get (YAY!). Especially Miss4 as she is pretty much a stick-girl.

She was a good and healthy chubby baby, but some time in hospital ruined that, and she's been stick like ever since. No matter how much food we feed her.

So best we put some padding on her ready for the inevitable illnesses.

Mrs. Amazing declared 'Operation Padding' was now in full affect, as she seems to think about this stuff more than I do.

It's kinda of like a anti-diet...

Porridge - Was made with milk, now made with cream

Butter - Was thinly spread on bread, now it's slathered

Cheese - Goes with every meal (As normal)

Water - Why have water when you can have chocolate milk!

You want more cake?

Fine

More biscuits?

Fine have three

More pie?

Oooooo bad luck, it's all gone

<burps>

Talking With My Baby

Me and BabyBoy1 have been chatting.

Well chatting may be stretching it a bit. He only knows one word so far, but I get what he means most of the time. He does good gestures.

(What? Oh... You want two bottles of milk..)

His one word is 'Daddy' 

<Beaming, proud, smile>

Although to be honest it really sounds like DaDee, but I'm claiming it anyway.

He throws in a few Oooooo's and Ahhhh's every now and then, but mainly it's the DaDee.

I feel proud that BabyBoy1's and Miss4's first words were Daddy. I think it shows that I was there, being a Dad. It's like a baby stamp of approval, “Well done, old man, we approve.”

Well I think so anyway.

However....

Recently I was boasting telling a friend about Miss4's and BabyBoy1's first words, and that they were Daddy.

<proud beaming smile>

And there I was, all proud of myself and stuff, when she smiled at me and said:

'Oh! Well I made sure my boys first words were Daddy!'

Which I thought was a bit weird. Until she explained that at ARGHO 'Clock in the morning, she wanted to make sure that both her boys shouted for their Daddy, not their Mummy.

<Proud smile replaced by bottom lip wobble>

How utterly devious and brilliant. 

I can’t even hope of working at that level of genius (bows).

Because it is almost impossible to resist a tiny one calling your name, no matter what time it is. It's also a lot easier to elbow someone else out of the bed, when the little dear is calling their name.

That was clearly a Mummy... He wants you

‘Sounded more like Daddy to me, you go’

<both listen>

‘That was a Daddy!’

Damn it

Anyway, despite BabyBoy1's one word vocabulary and my joy at watching him call everything in the universe Daddy to make me feel special, with just thatone word, that boy sure can say a lot.

Hey dude, how was your day?

'DaDa!' Da da da da da... DA'

Pretty good hey? Good to hear it

'Daaaa'

Your brother and sister been looking after you?

'DA DA DA DA!!! DAAAAAAAaaaaa'

Boy8 stuck straws up his nose and pretended to be a thingy (walrus)...

'DADADADADADA'

.. but, by accident, he snorted milk his nose and started choking...

'daaa'

You were worried about him? He disappeared and you couldn't see him?

'daaaa'

Oh that sounds sad...

'DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'

.. but then he jumped up and did a funny dance, which at first scared the crap out of you...

'DAAAAAAA DAAAAAAA'

.. but then it made you laugh so hard Mummy had to get her camera to film you laughing so hard...

'Dadadadadadadadadadadad'

... she recorded it for me? So I could see later. That was nice of her

'Dada'

Wish I'd been here for that. I love watching you laugh, I'll see it later...

'Oooooooo'

Did Miss4 play with you today?

'Da Da Da Da'

You were playing Duplo with her?

'DADADAAAAD DADADAD oooooo'

But when you climbed over her head, and smashed her tower to teeny, tiny, little pieces, she got cross with you?

'ooooo'

She picked up all the Duplo and took it away, which made you cry?

'oooo'

... then Mummy picked you up and that made you feel better?

<nods>

'Dadee DaDA?'

Where was I? ... At work

'Daaadaa?'

Yeah most days... 5 in 7...

'DA DA DA DADAAAAAA!'

No, we don't build that many towers there...

'DA Ooooo DA?'

... I suppose it can be fun, sometimes, but not normally

I'd rather be here watching you grow up

'oooooo DA!'

You'd rather that too?

'DA DA DA DAAAA' <arms up>

You don't like it when I leave?

<nods>

'DADADADADADADADA'

Why can't I just stay here and play? Well we need money to buy milk and nappies, and chocolate a few other things

'Oo oo oo'

Why have I fallen into the stereotypical patriarchal role? Whereby providing for my family has become a constant and un-winnable race for more, sacrificing once in a lifetime moments with you for material and status gains, as you grow up at so fast I struggle to remember you were ever a baby? And worse still, I'll perpetuate that cycle by teaching you it as well?

You... Blow. My. Mind!!!

<Shakes head>

‘Oooo’

That wasn't what you meant?

<Shoots me a 'Don't be such a twat' look>

'Oo OO oo!'

Oh right... Yeah, I know you like milk

'O! O! O! Dadaa! Dadaa! Dadaa!'

You want a cuddle?

'Daaaaaaaaaaa' <snuggles right into my neck>

I love you too little fella... <ignores snot and drool and just hugs the tiny boy>

'DADADADADA?'

No, no, it's the weekend, I don't have to go anywhere for a while

'DaDee'

I love you too

<Mentally wills tears to retreat back inside>

Now then, that's enough of this Star Trek crap...

Let's go bundle on the sofa...

'DA!'

(... and then pasta came out of Spooks nose! )

We Need A Cow

We keep running out of milk.

We need a cow. A real cow. 'Moo' that kind. 

It's a brilliant idea.

Although a cash cow wouldn't be turned away from our door...

Nor would a chocolate one either...

<Dring>

Mooo. You gotta help me, they keep trying to eat me!

Oh you poor thing, come inside

Mooo. I've had such a horrible day... It's hard ya know, being made chocolate...

Uh huh... Come sit here, on this... er... plate <locks door>

Mooo. Thank you.

This is Miss4, Boy8, BabyBoy1 and Mrs. Amazing.

Mooo. Lovely to meet you all... my but... you all look hungry?

Mooo. Wait! Why are you looking at me like that???

NOW!

Mooo. Nooo...

<Chocolate massacre occurs>

Not that you get that many chocolate talking cows round our way anymore

<whistles>

(Mmm cowey...)

We currently have a milk fairy who magically delivers milk outside our door three times a week.

We use the local milk fairy service for three very simple reasons:

a) It stops me walking into shops, just for milk, and then leaving with armfuls of crap we don't need right away, but may do in some distant future during a zombie apocalypse.

b) It stops Mrs. Amazing walking into shops, just for milk, and then leaving with armfuls of stuff we don't need, but is really yummy and we eat instantly.

c) I don't want to spend every evening running into bastard shops that hide the milk as far as possible from the entrance. It annoys me. (I'm going to start leaving my money miles from the pay counter, next to the milk... that may backfire...)

So despite it costing a bit more for milk, it actually saves us money and time. Which are both valuable commodities that Team Parent never have enough of.

I must add that the milk fairy does claim to be a man and not a fairy, but fairies always say stuff like that. Such liars.

So when an enormous milk fairy bill plopped through my door, I responded in my normal, calm, thoughtful, Zen like, manner.

HOW bloody much for milk??? <Spills tea>

It seems we now spend more on milk a month than I do on chocolate! How can we be getting through that much milk!

<Eats more chocolate>

BabyBoy1 seems the obvious culprit as his main drink at the moment is milk. Water he just enjoys dribbling out of his mouth, or pouring all over his food.

Each of his bottles is 7 fl oz, which means very little to me, but converts to 198.89ml which does at least mean something to me, but for a real measurement that I can really understand, it’s about 0.35 of a pint.

He has four bottles a day, so that’s pretty much a pint and ‘alf he has a day.

Good work BabyBoy1!

So 10.5 pints of milk a week. That’s a lot!

Miss4 and Boy8 also both have lots of milk.

They both have cereal twice a day. Once at breakfast, once at brupper (Only wheaty-crap in the evening, no rocket fuelled sugar cereal before bed).

Boy8 has pretty much an adult bowl each time, and Miss4 has porridge which takes loads of milk it seems.

So using very scientific methods (guessing) I’d say they must consume between them 20 pints a week.

(Our fridge)

Mrs. Amazing and I are slaves to our tea addiction awesomeness, and we get through quite a few cuppas in a day. But we only have a teeny bit of milk in each cup, which can't add up to that much.

I reckon 5 pints to us.

So aside from the odd round of chocolate milks, pancakes and mash potato, that’s our milk consumption. The cat doesn't get milk, he gets water that he never drinks. Although he prefers drinking from my bedside pint of water before spilling it, the git.

So adding all of that up…

<taps on calculator>

...allowing for seasonal variances…

<more tapping>

...and dietary fluctuations…

<Is just tapping for fun now>

… means we consume…

<tappy tap tap>

… a lot of milk. Yes. A lot.

<laughs at upside down calculator saying ‘BOOBiES’>

I was planning to set up surveillance cameras on the fridge so I can see where all the milk is disappearing too… but that sounds like a lot of effort and I can't be bothered, and really I know the answer.

The milk consumption in our household has risen to such gargantuan proportions because there is 5 of us, and they (not Team Parent) keep on getting bigger.

Which is a bit frightening as they seem to be getting quicker at getting bigger too.

Considering the size BabyBoy1 was last year, he’s going to be a giant by 5.

So we either need to order a second fridge, just for milk, and then have the milk fairy deliver every hour...

(Yeah that’s it Mr. milk fairy… just there… 

leave the others round the back will ya… see you tomorrow…)

Or...

We could go with my very reasonable, and actually a lot more sensible than it first looks, plan of getting a cow. I only have a few issues or concerns...

a) Space might be a bit of an issue. It would go outside obv, I'm not an idiot!

b) The kids would love having some cute petting animals to, well, pet. Although cows are not cute, more huge and scary. But I'm sure we can get Miss4 braved up as soon as possible.

c) I've heard that Cows do tend to take up a lot of space. 

'Field' is the normal living environment scale that people tend to use. We don't have one of those.

d) I've heard there may be a bit of mess to clear up. Cow pats and such. I handle enough poo, I don't want more.

e) It would also scare the crap out of the cat and I wouldn't have to mow so often. 

So a few clear benefits.

f) It might get awkward when we have a BBQ, you know with burgers...

Mooo. Those beef burgers?

No no, lamb burgers. Yum yum.

Mooo. Is that a steak?

Naaa... It's... er... Fish.

Mooo. <Is unconvinced>

Still, it seems like a great idea. 

I present my idea and findings to Mrs. Amazing on why we should get a cow. 

Yay!

<Explains cow idea to Mrs. Amazing using song and finger puppets, in our normal way>

'No'

<Is disappointed>

'That's a terrible idea'

<Hides tears>

'Chocolate milk?'

YAY! <runs to kitchen>