My Time and How Best To Get It...

I like to be a good dad to all my loonies children.

And to me being a good Dad means giving them my time.

Sober enough. Not phone in hand. Not trying to watch the rugby. Not falling to sleep.

Looking them in the eyes and engaging in what they are saying and doing.

That's the main thing they need from me. I think.

My time and attention...

Boy9: 'Dude. You got any money?'

Yep thanks!

Boy9: 'Can I have some?'

<Narrows eyes> What for?

Boy9: 'Stuff' <Does shifty eyes>

Then no...

Boy9: <Thinks> '... A Star Wars toy...'

<Opens wallet> Get two! Run my boy... Run...

[Later]

Boy9: <Is eating chocolate>

Where's my your Star Wars toy?

Boy9: <Is laughed at for being a sucker>

<Steals the chocolate>

<Runs>

I also want to be a good husband.

And cat owner. More good husband I'd like to point out. Some A lot more.

So that’s five demands on my time. Which if you then add in work makes six. And I suppose I need time with me too. So that's seven.

My time is basically like a crap chocolate spread sandwich.

Spread thinly.

(And that’ll do for round one of spreading… Only seven more to go…)

And it seems everyone has their own tactics to lure me in...

Boy9's tactics are simple.

Divide up my time in nice small segments. And then hog it all for himself.

He tends to suggest two-person games. Like Chess. That, from his point of view, don't actually totally exclude everyone else. As long as they are happy watching. They are not.

Or he's very sneaky and suggests things I can't refuse...

Boy9: 'Let's fill balloons with paint and shoot them in the kitchen!'

YES! DUDE! PLAN! <Double high fives>

<Checks with Miss5>

Miss5: <Shakes head>

<Turns back to Boy9> Bad Boy9! Bad! Leading me astray like that...

Boy9: 'Then can we race the sleeping bags down the stairs?'

<Runs> <Calls over shoulder...> Shotgun the fast blue one!...

[One minute later]

<Is hurt>

BabyBoy2's tactics are beautifully direct.

And those of a third child. Clear and a little forceful.

BabyBoy2 walks up to me. Grabs my hand in his tiny warm hand.

And then starts to drag me wherever he wants me.

He has already learnt to ignore any words I might saying. And to just keeping on pulling.

It's hella cute...

BabyBoy2: 'Comeon Daddy' <Grabs hand>

Mate. Not now. I'm busy...

BabyBoy2: 'Comeon Daddy' <Pulls hander>

I'm busy!

BabyBoy2: 'Comeon Daddy, comeon, comeon Daddy' <Tugs hand>

SHEESH! Just one wee in peace...

The Cat.

Well he's a git. And very successful at getting my attention.

a) He sits on what I am looking at…

Get OFF my model of Sauron's tower... Oh look now! <Is furious>

You've knocked all the glitter off it!

b) He carefully trips me...

<Is doing JK-esque dancing> <Feeling cool>

Cat: <Thinks ‘To get my way, I shall trip him’>

<Is tripped by ninja master Cat><Says hi to floor>

<Cool levels dip rapidly>

c) Outright attacks me...

OW!!! You bit me! I am SO not opening the door for you now!

<Is bitten again>

Alright! Alright! <Gets up and opens the door>

Cat: <Thinks ‘Actually… I’ve changed my mind> <Goes to sleep in my spot>

<Swears a lot>

d) Or failing all of that he sits on my lap and purrs a lot.

Which is nice despicably manipulative.

And finally there's Miss5's and Mrs. Amazing’s tactics.

They both use the same tactics. (Mrs. Amazing Obv. has some extra special moves too. But you ain’t hearing about those here).

They both use a combination of word-trickery and mind controlling magic…

Wait-a-second... <Looks> There's no pie here? <Lifts random objects>

Miss5: 'Can you play Shopkins with me?' <Big eyes>

<Is trapped and cannot say no, as that's saying I can't physically play Shopkins which I'll never admit to, and am reluctant to say yes to>

... er... Yes. Of course I can... <Accepts it> <Sits>

What's this? <Hold up blob of plastic that looks like an ice-cream with a face>

Miss5: 'It's a Ice Cream Kate!'

Miss5: 'You can't eat it'

<Spits it out>

(Hi Kate! Come on it… Sit down… <Gets a spoon>)

Anyhoo...

Back to the family and my time.

To aid anyone wanting to gain my attention for a bit. I do have a few (four) suggestions, pointers, tips if you will. That may help maximise your time with me. Feel free to hand them out to your mates. Pass 'em about...

1. Put a cuppa in my hand (of tea)

Mrs. Amazing knows this one already. If I've already got tea in my hand. I am going stay put for longer. It's simple.

Otherwise you've only got a few minutes until I get up and head towards the kettle.

And then who knows what is going to distract me on the way to the kettle via the chocolate cupboard. And back via the tele...

Tangled Die Hard is on!!!

2. Music

I have discovered that doing things at work. Where life is pretty brain focused and challenging...

WorkMate: 'Your turn'

OK... So I've got to make the elastic band ricochet of my desk

WorkMate: <Nods>

... through the plant...

WorkMate: <Nods patiently>

... bounce off your head...

WorkMate: <Nods>

... and then fall into the bin

WorkMate: 'I don't know why you’re asking me... It's your game'

And all of that is assuming I've nothing better to do than to lower myself to this frivolous waste of time?

WorkMate: 'Have you?'

<Gives a look> ... Quiet please! Man making history here...

<Misses>

... is in stark contrast with home.

It's a lot less goal-orientation, task driven, brain tax-i-thing-ing with the children. (All the children, they are equal in this).

I've found that sitting doing two piece jigsaws, playing Shopkins or listening to detailed explanations of Pokemon evolutions, for hours on end.

Can sometimes, sometimes that is, it can get a teensy bit boring...

Miss5: 'He's dozed off again!'

Zzz

Boy9: 'I'll get my Nerf guns...'

Miss5: 'I'll get my hair bobbles...'

BabyBoy2: <Leaps at me>

For example.

At present BabyBoy2 loves doing jigsaws. He's will spend ages doing them. Hella cute.

And having me watching really heightens his enjoyment.

So whenever BabyBoy2 asks. I go sit, ready to play whatever games he wants and it's a marvellous bonding moment for us both.

He loves it. I love it. He's awesome and I love being with him.

However.

In those moments. It's almost as though my brain is crying. At me.

My eyes water. I yawn a lot. Basically all the signs say I should sleep. It's like my body is argueing with me. But my brain is saying this is important and wonderful. Play the games! Enjoy them. Smile. Look happy!

But my body is snuggling down for a nap.

Music to rescue.

By having some rocking music in the forebackground to sing, dance and speak in verse listen to. My lazy body is tricked. And feels stimulated enough.

And reluctantly keeps all systems running like normal. The awakey ones.

It's basically the same principle I apply at work.

But with harder jigsaws.

3. Be offering me food (Yes we are still in the list)

Chocolate. Fudge. Most sweets. Cake is normally a winner. Bacon. I'll hang about for food almost always. It's genetic. Just before any meal time I am most prone, and can easily be trapped got by offering food.

("I have suspicions about the situation we currently find ourselves in…")

And the final tip.

Which is easily the most effective. And sure fire to get my attention and time.

Yet for most people it is the hardest to achieve.

4. Be, but not of, Mrs. Amazing.

X

Elf Pom-Poms...

Yay it’s Christmas.

Seriously. I wuve it. (I also may have been talking to BabyBoy2 too much lately, ‘Wook Daddy! Wook!’, bless ‘im).

This maybe our second year of the kindness elf.

(Not Elf on a shelf). Then again it may not be two years. As Christmas approaches we, Team Parent (yay!), get more knackered than normal. We stay up later laying kicking lyrics wrapping. Over sampling Brie and Jack Daniels the local produce. And basically doing lots more things than normal, whilst trying to organise a billion presents for everyone…

So Miss5 is getting this for Boy9?

<Holds up diamond encrusted football (not true)>

Mrs. Amazing: ‘And Boy9 is getting this for BabyBoy2’

<Holds up a real fire engine (not true)>

Cool. And what’s BabyBoy2 getting Miss5?

Mrs. Amazing: ‘We’ve done that one haven’t we?’

No… I think. Hang on… No it’s this…

<Holds up huge bag of pom-poms (not true)>

Mrs. Amazing: ‘Oh yes.. Wait isn’t that red bag stuff?’

Is it? … <Looks at all the wrapping that involve>

No. No that’s her ‘main’ from BabyBoy2.

Mrs. Amazing: ‘Sure?’

Yes <Is firm> Without doubt. One hundred percent… <Is fibbing>

Mrs. Amazing: ‘OK...’ <Is suspicious>

<Holds up cup>

Who is this for, and who is giving it?

Mrs. Amazing: ‘That is for me. From you!’

Huh?

Mrs. Amazing: ‘That’s my tea…’

<Both giggle>

And because of all that.

My memory gets a bit crapper. So please forgive me if I am wrong. I kind of think I am. But Mrs. Amazing, who I would normal ask, has already headed off to Bedfordshire, and is very un-askable right now.

All clear? Good.

(Mrs. Amazing: ‘Right.. I better get going… It takes three hours to get to Bedfordshire’

You sure you can’t just go upstairs? And use our bed?

Mrs. Amazing: <Shakes head>)

Our second year of the kindness Elf (maybe).

And it’s been going mostly well. The kids wake each morning and head down stairs and find our Elf. Mistletoe. Well except BabyBoy2 as he’s still in a cage cot. Which most of the time he cannot escape from. Except when given a bit of help from an elder sibling by tilting the rocking chair in and a death defying stretch we hate them doing. But mostly he’s where we left him in the morning.

And I say it's gone well about the Elf. But we’ve had a few scrapes. As it were…

[Monday, 6:30 am]

Miss5: ‘Morning!’

Mrs. Amazing: ‘Morning’

<Silence, but essentially well wishes are projected out>

Miss5: ‘I WONDER what Mistletoe has done this morning!’ <Skips off>

Mrs. Amazing: <Urgently> ‘... Did you do the Elf last night?’

<Silence, but essentially some supportive and constructive ideas are occurring>

<And a small head shake> no

Mrs. Amazing: ‘Reindeer crap!’ <Dashes off to weave some hasty magic>

<More silence and is glad the problem has sorted itself out>

Yeah... not my finest hour.

Most days. But I was knackered. Mrs. Amazing though was brilliant. She thought of a way out of this.

Damn she’s good.

I got woken up, again, ten minutes later.

This time by Mrs. Amazing (and yes I got up this time).

I took the very sweet and lovely cup of tea I was presented with (ow my hands, can it not go on the side? No? Oh… Ow).

And listened to Mrs. Amazing’s master stroke…

Mrs. Amazing: ‘I have put a chocolate coin next to your side of the bed’

Excellent <Blows pain giving hands>

Mrs. Amazing: ‘It is not for eating’

Oh… <Puts coin back>

Mrs. Amazing: ‘There’s one my side of the bed, one in Miss5’s room, Boy9’s room and BabyBoy2’s room. I am putting Mistletoe here...’

<Puts Elf next to my chocolate coin>

Mrs. Amazing: ‘When the kids come up, pretend you know nothing’

<Looks blank>

Mrs. Amazing: ‘This is what Mistletoe did last night! And she hid in our room!’

<Looks blank>... I won’t let you down

Genius huh!

Kids found Mistletoe eventually. Found chocolate. All very brilliant. Mrs. Amazing you quick thinking genius.

Elf magic still alive. Boom POW!

Of course the person doing the best at keeping the magic alive.

Is Boy9. He’s nine. He’s not silly.

Well he is. He’s very silly actually. He’s nine.

But he has definitely started questioning the world enough to start questioning the Elf and her hiding. Each night.

In fact he outright asked Mrs. Amazing on it. She deflected well. And Boy9’s curiosity seems to be sated. For now. As sometimes when asking a question you realise you don’t actually want to know the answer. And Boy9’s in that middle ground where he really wants to believe in magic and the awesome things that happen without reason. Yet he’s growing up and learning stuff as well.

Which in many ways conflict.

Got me money saved up… <Pats wallet> Gonna go get me a Speeder Bike

Boy9: ‘What? A Lego one?’

Nope! <Fans out monopoly loads of money> A real one! Like in Return of the Jedi!

Boy9: <Sighs> ‘Dad! For the final time they don’t exist, they are not real! It’s from a movie!’

My mate Ed-Who-Sucks-At-Tiddly-Winks-Golf has got one...

Boy9: ‘No he hasn’t’

Well... <Shifty eyes> He said he had had a go one… once… <Trails off>

Boy9: ‘No he didn’t. NOT REAL’ <Shakes head>

…  <Wells up a little>

Yeah! Well!!! I didn’t ask to be your Dad! <Storms off>

Mrs. Amazing: ‘Yeah he did… he was quite sweet about it...’

I think if it was just Boy9 on his own.

A lot of the magic would have been revealed. As it were. The pretence would have dropped a bit.

But Boy9 is a lovely big brother. And he gets so involved and caught up in making it magic for Miss5, who in turn then draws BabyBoy2 in too. That it helps him carry on believing. Well that’s what I think is going on anyway.

He may just be doing it for the chocolate.

Either’s fine with me.

BabyBoy2 is just starting to notice the Elf.

He is loving it. Sorry wuving it. So cute.

He doesn’t really understand what the Elf is doing I think. But he’s definitely loving the mad crap he's finding each morning in the house. And there’s often chocolate involved. Which he also wuves.

No idea where he gets that from…

<Thinks about putting down chocolate bar, and saving it for later…>

<Doesn’t>

(If any chocolatiers out there are looking to sponsor a Dad blogger…

Pie makers? Cake sellers? Star Wars toy makers? Landlords?)

Miss5 however loves the Elf.

She’s is the perfect age for this particular brand of madness magic. For Christmas in general. It is going to be brilliant with her this year.

I would truly love to know what is going on her mind about the Elf at the moment.

Can you imagine or remember a time in your life where Christmas Elves were utterly, utterly, real. Because no one. None of your mates. No peers. No one. Has even doubted their existence yet to you? I can’t.

I am not saying I don’t believe. I do. Until I see proof either way, I'm playing it safe. Obv.

But my belief is at least tempered with a healthy bit of ‘but it might be bollocks tosh’. That’s what being an adult is as far as I can tell.

Hedging your bets.

Anyhoo…

Mistletoe (our Elf).

Has some classic moves. Which may only be two years classic. Which isn’t very classic. But as I said at the earlier, I can’t really remember. And they feel classic to me.

There’s the toilet paper over the tree and furniture. Which is awesome fun.

There’s pants in the tree (that’s undergarments for those of you left of the pond, not trousers).

Toilet covered in wrapping paper.

And my personal favourite ‘Hide the bau...

<Memory finally clicks into places>

Yes!!! Lots more than two years we’ve done this.  

‘Hide the baubles’ A classic! Mistletoe hides lots of small baubles around the house and it takes the kids most of the day to find them.

<Has second thoughts about it being more than two years>

Oh holly sticks.

Lets just say there’s been two to five year range where Mistletoe has visited and be done with it and I’ll ask Mrs. Amazing in the morning.

OK? <Isn’t asking>

(Do pom-poms have to enter every single facet of our lives?

Miss5: ‘Yep’ <Does Super-Girl pose>

Mrs. Amazing: <Nods>)

Only thing is.

This year Mistletoe hid pom-poms. Not baubles. Not the normal shiny red baubles.

Nope. This year Mistletoe hid very cute, fluffy, look like baubles, but are really pom-poms on a string.

And because every now and then Team Parent (yay!) kind of forget what Miss5 is like with pom-poms.

This happened...

[Monday, 6:30 am]

Miss5: ‘Morning!’

Mrs. Amazing: ‘Mor...’

Miss5: ‘Mummythere’sapom-pomhangingonyourbed!!!’

Mrs. Amazing: ‘ning’

Miss5: ‘I bet there’s more’ <Races off>

[Ten beautiful sleep filled minutes later]

Miss5: <Is creeping around our room looking for more pom-poms and putting them in the bag she has got from her room (Her pom-pom collecting bag)>

We have a quick word with Miss5.

And point out that when Boy9 wakes (he is actually sleeping in a bit now! Halle-smegging-lujah!). He is going to be a bit chanked off that someone has already been round collecting all the pom-poms up.

Without him…

Miss5: <Looks down at her bag of freshly collected pom-poms>

Miss5: <Grins sweetly> Opps! I’ll put them back <Still grinning sweetly>

Mrs. Amazing: ‘Go and check your room for pom-poms and let the rest of the house wake up’

<Turns on light and sits up>

<Agrees wholeheartedly with all that has transpired, but does it through the magic of silence and minimal eyes open-age>

<Wishes the light was off>

Team Parent (yay!) slowly awoke and got the day going.

We had just got out of bed and were running to the kettle when Miss5 came back in…

Mrs. Amazing: ‘What’s wrong? Did you find any?’

Miss5: ‘Yes… seven’ <A bit confused and disappointed>

Miss5: ‘Seven?’ <Gives me a ‘You said you put one in each of their rooms look’>

<Gives back a ‘I did, I only put one in each of their rooms’ look>

<Gives me a ‘Are you sure?’>

<Gives back a ‘Yes, yes for sure. One each!’ look>

<All look a bit confused>

It takes Team Parent (yay!) a few moments to work out what has happened here.

The big clue is that it’s Miss5 we’re talking to here.

You ask most people how many pom-poms are in their room. Most people answer none. (Not all people I grant you).

Miss5 didn’t find the one pom-pom Mistletoe put in her room until much later on that day.

The seven she did find however.

Are always there. They are hers. They are part of her room.

No wonder she looked so confused at us.

Merry Christmas!

X

P.S. This is our second year of being visited by that chocolate stealing Elf Mistletoe. Mrs. Amazing confirmed. I need more sleep.