Carving the Pumpkins...

Halloween fell on a monday this year.

Which is a bit crap. Far nicer last year. When it was on saturday.

Far easier to stay out late with the munchkins having fun last year.

And it was the first Monday of the school term.

There was no chance any of my lot were staying out late. Going from house to house demanding chocs from people trick or treating...

[Bing Bong]

<Door opens>

Kids: 'Trick or treat!'

Twonk: 'Treat!'

<Confused looks all round>

...

Boy9: 'Dad! This guy said treat!'

Twonk Cool. That's his choice...

<Whispers to Boy9> Send in the little boy

<BabyBoy2 pushed to the front, not dressed up as he refused again>

BabyBoy2: <Sticks out ickle hand> 'Choc? Pweeease???' <Big imploring eyes>

Twonk: <Cracks> Oh you're just too cute! Here, here, here <Hands out lots of sweets>

Kids: 'Thank you'

Team Parents: 'Thank you twonk'

Halloween prep started on Sunday.

Carving time. We had been out having a right laugh visiting trains and the such. Poop-poop etc. We got back, ate, rested. And then Team Parents (yay!) suddenly remembered it was Halloween tomorrow.

Smeg!

It had nearly slipped our minds. Because Mrs. Amazing was full of cold and not her normal self. And because I wasn't full of cold and was my normal myself.

Still we did remember.

In your faces! And Team Parent (yay!) instantly sprung into action and became an efficient pumpkin carving unit.

I'll make a cuppa...

Mrs. Amazing: 'I'll get something to nibble'

Mrs. Amazing was chief scooper.

Because our knives are not sharp. Eons ago I spent a lot of time working in restaurants for cake. And I was taught that a safe knife is a sharp knife. <Cackles>

Yet in our house we have eight six little hands reaching into drawers without looking. Awesome.

So keeping knives beard trimmer razor sharp seems a bit like leaving pens on the floor in a star shape... A pentangle if you will... And then being miffed when a demon shows up...

(Cup of tea?

ScaryFlamingDemon: 'TWO SUGARS PLEASE’

ScaryFlamingDemon: 'AND CREAM IF YOU’VE GOT IT’)

[BAMF]

ScaryFlamingDemon: 'YOU SUMMONED ME MORTAL!'

<Pauses Bake off on tele>

Wothca. No. Sorry. <Picks up tea> There must be some sort of mistake.

We didn't order a Demon

ScaryFlamingDemon: 'YOU MOCK ME? I SEE THE PENTANGLE OF SUMMONING BEFORE ME!'

<Glances down> Oh... that. Miss5! MISS5! You've left your colouring pens on the floor again! Come clean them up!

Miss5: <Scurries downstairs> 'Hello' <Waves>

ScaryFlamingDemon: 'HI' <WAVES BACK>

Miss5: 'Silly me!' <Picks up pens> <Manages to get pen on her face, hands, legs and nose>

ScaryFlamingDemon: 'I SEE' <LOOKS A BIT LOST>

Sorry. Is there anything else we can help you with?

ScaryFlamingDemon: 'YES SMEGGER! WHILST I'M HERE I'll HAVE YOUR MORTAL SOULS'

Uh-huh... Miss5? <Has a sip of tea>

Miss5: 'FREEZE' <Freezes the Demon on the spot just like Elsa would>

Boy9? <Has another sip-a>

Boy9: <Appears armed to the teeth in Nerf guns> 'Yes Dad?'

Help this gentle...er... demon out will you...

Boy9: 'What?'

Pardon <Gives look> Shoot him / it!

[Lots of shooting and missing, eventually the Demon explodes into a million pieces]

Mrs. Amazing: <Is walking though>

Mrs. Amazing: <Whips out magic wand and says her magic words> 'Diamonds and shoes' <Doesn't stop>

[All pieces of Demon are sent back to the demonic portal they emerged from, rug is straightened, sofa cushions are fluffed and a fresh cup of tea appears]

<In awe> You are a-maze-zing!

<Unpauses Bake off>

Anyhoo...

I cut the tops off the Pumpkins.

With a blunt knife. Mrs. Amazing scooped like a boss. And then, foolishly I feel, we asked the children what they wanted carved into / onto their pumpkins.

They had one each. Like little red riding hood, but with pumpkins. Sizewise (not bear and porridgewise obv.).

BabyBoy2's pumpkin:

Well he didn't have any requests. He was pretty confused why we had huge vegetables on the table and knives out.

Babyboy2 just wanted to play with his fire engine. What was all the full about these orange thingys?

So he went floorward and played with his (was Boy9's) Fireman Sam fire engine. Happy days. Happy loving firemen and their big powerful engines days...

[NEE-NAR-NEE-NAR]

BabyBoy2: 'YAYYYY! NEE-NAR!'

Mrs. Amazing: 'Quick! Quick! Pull over'

...I was...

Mrs. Amazing: <Leans out of window and starts whoopering and hollering>

Must you do this every time?

Mrs. Amazing: 'Just showing them some support'

What are you holding? Is that a sign? IS THAT YOUR PHONE NUMBER?

Mrs. Amazing: 'Er... Return of the Jedi, Leia in a gold bikini'

Er... <Is distracted> er... <Returning to reality>

What?... What were we talking about?

Mrs. Amazing: 'Pie'

Mmmmmmm... Pie

(Yeah but can he do this? <Does insane amazing dance>

Mrs. Amazing: ‘You know... I bet he can’t’ <Smiles>

Yeah!)

I sit and think about what to carve for BabyBoy2.  

And then carve him a pirate themed pumpkin. He has started saying shouting 'Ahoy' and 'Arrrrr matey' lately so I figure it could be a hit. Plus I feel confident I can carve an eye patch.

It goes so well I get cocky. And add more things round the side. They go wrong.

And the scar on the left fails. It was supposed to be a hash mark.

I stop carving anything more. But overall I'm happy. I show BabyBoy2.

BabyBoy2 cares not.

That's just a weird vegetable that you've cut bits out of.

You weirdos.

Miss5's pumpkin:

As Miss5 actually cares what is on her pumpkin. She was given paper and asked to draw what she wanted. Mrs. Amazing did this. Not me.

Had it been me Miss5 would have been given limited, pre-approved, options.

A square. A line. At a push a triangle.

Miss5 shows me her picture when she's done.

I am expecting to see something so complex and abstract that I would have to defy the laws of physics to even carve a shallow copy of it onto a pumpkin.

I fear the worst.

It's fine. Phew.

It's just two big eyes. And a mouth full of thin sharp and very pointy teeth.

The eyes go well and match Miss5's design. But the teeth go badly.

My first cut is a big mistake. I cut the bit I want to keep, as it were. Smeg.

And there's no going back. So one design change later, I carve it with one huge tooth instead.

Miss5 isn't very cool about the change.

Until... I show her the Bat(ish) logo I did on the back.

I get a Miss5 high five.

Life is brilliant.

Boy9:

Having spend a while on BabyBoy2's pumpkin and Miss5's pumpkin. It is only now that I realise Boy 9 has been online. All this time. Searching for the pumpkin design he wants to carve.

OMFB! Get him off the internet! ARGHGHGH!

There's loads and millions of pictures of amazing pumpkin carvings everywhere!

Is that Darth Vader riding a wookie?

That's disgusting

Boy9's design choice is complex.

Way more complex than I was hoping for. It's way past my square, circle and triangle hopes.

There's letters for bacon's sake (FBS)!

I express my concern...

No way. I can't do that!

Boy9: 'Don't worry Dad I'll carve it'

Really? Re-ealllly? Cool!

Boy9: <Does one knife cut>

Boy9: <Does another knife cut>

Boy9: 'It's too hard' <Passes me back the knife>

Boy9: 'Can you do it for me?' <Does big pwease eyes>

No No chance How about a nice square shape? But I was gonna starting eating chocolate

... er... Fine. Sure mate

<Should have seen that coming from a mile off>

<Everyone else leaves to go do fun stuff>

I am not a carver.

I have meagre skills at best. The last of the sun light has gone by the time I am finished and my beard is touching my toes.

Upstairs I can the sounds of a fun bath time going on. Lots of heavy thudding and BabyBoy2 shrieking with delight.

I know it sounds a lot more fun that it is at the end of tiring day. And given the choice Mrs. Amazing would swap in a heartbeat and then ask me to carve it later.

Finally finished. I look at what I have achieved and hope that Boy9 likes it.

Or he will wear it.

I don't want to disappoint him.

(Toothy, Arrr! and Boo!)

I put candles in the three pumpkins.

And line them up in the fireplace for when everyone comes downstairs.

Then I go wash all the pumpkin off my hands. Off my trousers. The floor. The table. My top. My hands again. More floor. My hands once more.

Turns out I'm quite messy when carving.

Pyjamed and ready for milk and cartoons.

They all bundle downstairs and have a look at their pumpkins.

Boy9 gives me a hug thank you when he sees what I carved for him and my heart sings.

Miss5 points out the Bat logo on hers proudly to Boy9. He doesn't care.

And just in case I wasn't feeling the Dad love enough and all Dad-Done-Good about it all...

BabyBoy2 shouts 'Ahoy Matey' when he sees his.

Bonza.

X

New Medical Advice for Teeth...

Recently I discovered that the medical advice in the UK regarding brushing children's teeth had changed. 
It is now: you should do it for anyone under eight (I may be paraphrasing). 

(And of course by discovered I mean Mrs. Amazing told me).

'And that’s the new medical advice, crazy huh?'

Yes

'You understood what I said?'

Most of it…

'Which bit are you struggling with?'

Well I don’t know why it relates to me to be honest

'You have kids… three of them…' <Points>

<Shout-whispers> THEY’RE CHILDREN?

<Nods and sighs>

I thought they were Ewoks!... shaved ones...

(Left to right: Boy8, Miss4, BabyBoy1, actual Ewok...)

Which is great.

Nothing wrong with getting up-to-date medical advice, rather it was current than be about leeches and exercising demons.

So I want you to run four miles

Demon: <Looks annoyed>

Then jump this 18ft wall

Demon: <Looks up and annoyed> <Swears at me>

And then I want fire breath on this <Holds up the Conservative manifesto>

Demon: No way <Takes manifesto>

Demon: That’s like my instructions manual on how to be a Demon

Demon: Plus the boss would kill me, he wrote it

But you're fine with the rest?

Demon: Yeah sure, gotta stay fit <Smiles and then remembers to glower>

Of course Boy8 is already eight, which makes this change medical advice a bit late for him. Or Team Parents (yay!) need a time machine, which is annoying as I threw one out just last...

Worse though is that things like this instantly make us older.

It will come up in conversation at some point, and I’ll have to explain why we didn't and it will be because of how old we are. Damn it. Swines.

I did wonder if maybe we should brush Boy8’s teeth for him until he was sixteen.

You know to make up for not doing it before. May make camping with his mates a bit awkward. I’d be happy to attend any festivals though. School trips could get 'legally' complex.

Probably best put this in the ‘dumb ideas’ room box.

But considering that Boy8 reacts to brushing his teeth much like the cat does when I tread on his tail (totally by accident obv.).

I can't help but feel that this new advice has actually come eight years too late. I think Boy8 could really have done with us brushing for him, for all those years. Rather than us trusting he was doing it right, and 'getting' it.

Coz he flipping hasn't.

Have you brushed your teeth

'Yes' <Does shifty eyes>

That's a lie isn't it?

'I'll breathe on you?'

Please do not OK... minty -and gross-... nice

Let's see those teeth though

<Shows teeth>

Go brush them <nicely pushes Boy8 in direction of bathroom>

<Watches Boy8 brush his teeth (bored senseless, would rather be head butting wall)>

You only brushed one side

'No! I did them BOTH!!!'

<Internal sigh> Not 'that' side though <Points>

‘I DID!!!’ <freak out and hides in the corner>

'You can't make me brush my teeth!!!'

<Recites now traditional 'You can't make me' speech>

No, you're right I can't and won't. You're going to do them

F.Y.I. I bloody can make you

‘Why do I have to brush my teeth?’ <Recites the lengthy 'Why me?' and 'Life is so unfair' rant speech>

I am going to stand here and wait until you do

<Closes eyes and imagines self on set of Episode VII>

'You are so mean!'

<Recites the hurtful 'I hate Dad' prelude to war>

<Finally… brushes teeth>

‘Done‘

<Throws toothbrush into sink and goes to stomp off>

Hair!

‘WHAT! WHYYYYYY!’ <freaks out and hides in the corner>

<Recites 'Why me?'/'Life is so unfair'/'I hate Dad' mega-mix>

<Goes back to set of Episode VII>

['...And this is Mr. Ford']

[HeloooOoo...<Faints>]

[<Wakes up in the arms of Carrie Fisher>]

[<Faints>]

Miss4 is a lot easier for teeth brushing.

Easier, but not simple. She is happy to brush her teeth herself, she likes the independence. So we let her brush first and then we do a quick brush after as per the new medical advice.

But before we are allowed to brush Miss4 has implemented a complex password system, that also features gesture recognition.

Oh and you have to remember all the old passwords, and give recite them in order.

Fun huh!

Come on... open your gob!

<Shakes head>

Ok... "Swimming"

<Shakes head>

"Swimming Pool"

<Shakes head>

"CousCous"

<Shakes head>

"Coo coo"

<Shakes head>

"Christmas"

DING! <Mouth opens slightly>

What? the hell... <Thinks> Oh yes

<Presses Miss4's toes>

<Miss4 opens mouth slightly>

<Presses Miss4's nose>

<Miss4 opens mouth ready for brushing>

One of us is barking mad and a sucker.

BabyBoy1 is Captain Keen when it comes to teeth brushing.

I am sure given the chance BabyBoy1 would brush his teeth all day, every day.

And he's only got eight of them.

I think BabyBoy1 enjoys being able to rub a tooth brush on his gums for when he's teething, which is fair enough and always... always teething.

Also I think for BabyBoy1 brushing his teeth is something he can do that his big brother and sister do, and that he can join in with.

Much like eating at the table, which he loves, as he can join in with us all. But even eating at the table he is doing something slightly different to us all. He gets his own food, his own special bowl and cutlery. He isn't quite ‘in the gang’ as it were.

Teeth brushing though, he gets the same as us all. Some paste and a brush, and running water.

You can see why he loves it so. He's a nutter.

It doesn't matter that he's rubbish at it. Because he is tiny and cute and no one really worries how well you brush when you’re tiny and cute. Well they shouldn't.

I call for BabyBoy1...
BabyBoy1! Teeth! 

... and he drops whatever he is doing... 
<Smash>

...and runs to join me. You can hear the thudding noise pitter patter of his tiny feet from quite a way away.
<Thud><Thud><Thud><Thud><Thud>

Another one… not going to be ninja...gutted...

He runs into the room very excited. But quickly spots his stool is missing.
'Ooooo Ooooooooooo' (* 'Father have you seen my height increaser?')

And he's off on a stool hunt.
<Thud><Thud><Thud>

It's normally where he left it in the morning, so the hunt is short.

He appears again struggling with the heavy (for him) stool. He pops it on the floor, way too close to the sink and climbs up. As the stool is too close he is on tip-toes and a bit awkward. But he likes it that way. He smiles, excited, that it's teeth brushing time.

(Of course my tooth brush is bigger than BabyBoy1's)

He has to stretch to reach the sink.

So his chin rests of the ceramic as he stands on tip-toes. It's heart squeezingly cute.

His little T-Rex arms struggle to reach the tap, so I help and put water on his brush for him.

He snatches it back and shoves the brush into his mouth. He doesn't brush. He just chews it.

Every now and then he reaches forward to get fresh water on the brush.

But that's it.

Really that's not what Team Parents (yay!) would choose for him to be doing.

Actually brushing his teeth would be high on our list to be honest. But BabyBoy1 is so happy to be part of the teeth brushing crew, so damn happy to be included and doing the same as everyone else, how could we ever tell him he's doing it wrong?

And really, if you're that happy brushing your teeth, you must doing something right.