Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

10 December 2017

My Tooth Fairy Impression...

Did you know the tooth fairy needs help sometimes?
Well she does. Shame on you. You should have known that. <Tuts>
And when the tooth fairy needs help Team Parent (yay!) step in. It's the least we can we do.
We take on all the risk and funding (we what?) and make sure the job gets done.
Like the hard working, grown up, professionals we are...

Night, night, my lover!
Mrs. Amazing: 'Night muppet'
Mrs. Amazing: 'Night darling'
Oh... Night!...
<Both just drifting off>
[Silence in the house]
<Both sit bolt upright> TOOTH FAIRY!

Teeth falling out of your kids mouth is really weird.
I know kids are cute and all that. So it's kind of OK. But really it's pretty freaky.
Did you know you get born with your adult teeth in your skull-mouth?
Then as you get older. Six-ish for Boy10. The adult teeth suddenly decide it is their time, their moment in the saliva, and they push the baby teeth out. To their deaths obvs, and then take over. Which is why the baby teeth fall out. The adult ones kill them.
Weird huh!

(This is what children have in their heads. True story
(Kill it!... Kill it fire!)

Boy10 is running out of baby teeth.
Dentist said so. Which is cool. They are falling out due to natural causes. Not because of his daily sugar lick. Natural causes. Violent adult teeth. Plus Boy10 is getting older.
The huge holes in his toothy smile are starting to be filled in. With big teeth. Which is a bonus for photos 'spose.
And Boy10’s time and delight in making Mrs. Amazing squirm as he twists and pulls on his loose teeth is running out. Ha ha. #SoProud.
My boy's getting all grown up and stuff.
<Doesn't cry> <Heads off to chop stuff and hit it with hammers>

Twenty baby teeth.
Apparently everyone gets twenty visits from the tooth fairy for their baby teeth. If you're lucky and get punched in the face, maybe twenty one.
But that twenty is assuming the tooth isn't lost, stolen, sold for Pokeman cards, isn’t still stuck in the toffee that ripped it out, or wasn't sadly swallowed.
So if you are wondering how much money the tooth fairy is likely to be leaving your darling child. Remember it's that times twenty.
And don't (do not) underestimate the frowns from me, I'll come find you you may get in the playground when your child proudly declares that the tooth fairy left them a pony £5 note...

Boy6: 'Daddy why did I only get £1?'
<Mouths to 'Generous' parent> I will kill you We all hate you right now!
<Turns to Boy6> ... well... because whilst some people value money above all other things...
<Gives frowny, head shaking double eyebrow, not us, look>
Some other people, know that it's the free things that are worth the most.
Boy6: '...'
Boy6: 'Not me. I prefer the cash'
<Checks pockets> I've thirteen pence, old gum, and a voucher for thruppence off a burger
Boy6: 'Thank you' <Takes it all>
<Is gutted about the burger voucher>


It was after midnight.
I was tired out. Proper, so tired out that you have to go to bed even later, because you're so tired, and just getting up and going to bed is tiring. I had also been to ninja training class and moving was proving quite impossible.
I had laid for ages in the bath. Planning and plotting exiting the bath and making it the two, maybe, three meters, from the bath to Team Parent (yay!)'s bed.
Eventually I am forced out by uber cold bath water.

Now tired and very cold.
I collapse into bed and in a moment of surprising memory and clarity, for me.
I remember Boy10 saying his tooth had fallen out six hours before. In the very brief window I had this evening to talk to him and he had shown me his missing tooth.
BOOM! Six hours later, past midnight I totally remembered it.
But knowing Mrs. Amazing would never forget something as important as a tooth fairy.
I asked her if helping the tooth fairy had gone well...

[From beneath pillows]
Mrs. Amazing: 'OH MOD! Mi mavn't mone mit!'
Ooooo... you best do it now then... <Lies down ready to sleep like a tired out log>
Mrs. Amazing: 'Moo mo mit!'
I always wake him up when I do it! Don't make me do it!
You know... saying snore out loud actually proves
... whatever… FINE! I'll do it...
Mrs. Amazing: 'Snorrrrre snoorrrreeee good luck snooore'
<Gives Mrs. Amazing frowny look as I pull on Star Wars joggers>

In the second I leave my own bedroom.
My mind starts working through what needs to be done. The highs and lows. And where my concerns are.
I have immediate problems…

1) I have no money on me at all.
Nadda. I rarely have cash on me now. Which is fine by me except for two occasions. Now obvs. And when I am taking Miss6 swimming and I don't have change for the lockers. But that's also normally fine as most places will let you buy a quid in change with your swimming.
Even my arch nemesis, the scottish cow-bag woman from my local leisure center. Even she, satan's first wife, now has to agree to handing over a quid to me. ...I digress.
I have no pound for Boy10.

(Would a pound of potatoes do?
Mrs. Amazing: ‘Nope. And put those back’
Sure… <Runs>)

2) All the floors in our house squeak.
Especially late at night when I am sneaking. Then it's as if the original architect placed fog horns every few inches of floor boards. But repeating ones. I swear some creaks 'go off' even when I’m nowhere near.
It takes all my ninja skills just to get down the hall without sounding like an elephant's clog dancing class.

3) We don't know the tooth is.
O’PLUCK. This is quite a big problem. As the last tooth. Which the tooth fairy collected herself, we didn't have to help or pay that time.
Well that tooth Boy10 had placed on top of his alarm clock, and it was only blind luck that the tooth fairy found it. That and her innate sense of teeth detection obvs.
So where on earth in his room had Boy10 put this tooth? With a bit of luck, a strong head wind, and fresh horse, I was going to find the tooth under his pillow.
Where which is where Team Parent (yay!) have always said pushed fallen teeth should be placed.

4) It’ll be right in the middle.
If Boy10 has put his tooth under pillow. Then he would have put it exactly in the middle of the pillow. RIGHT under his head. Just to really test the tooth fairy or her helpers. Whoever they may be, this cold, exhausting, late night.

5) The tooth fairy always leaves glitter.
Well she’s a fairy. Of course she leaves glitter behind her. If Team Parent (yay!) are helping out then we try our best to mimic what she would do. And luckily Mrs. Amazing always knows where some glitter is. Or she just has on her, magically.
Sadly Mrs. Amazing is now utterly fast asleep. And whilst my knowledge of where glitter is kept is low.
There’s always hope.

So with five clear problems to solve.
I leap into action and stood in the hall for a bit. Being undecided. Getting cold.
Then I went and double checked my trousers for a quid. Still nope. 7 pence only.
Which would work fine on Miss6 and BabyBoy3, as they are shinny. And that's all those two want. Boy10 not so much. He is no longer fooled by shiny things.
He wants wonga.

Then a brain wave hit me.
Ow. The swimming bag! Downstairs is the bag me and Miss6 always take swimming with us. That has her goggles in, some shampoo, a bastard useless comb that is only strong enough to move my arm hairs about.
AND TADADADADTAAAAA a pound we keep in the bag for the lockers.
Which I've realised I took and haven't replaced yet. Crap!
<Runs off to replace the pound mi…..d typing>

One problem down.
Four to go. The squeaky floors I am just going to have to do my best about.
Move slowly. Like a ninja.
... be stealthy...
... move like the badger Cat...
... or just hope they don't wake.

The glitter I search for.
And amazingly find! Amazing! But as I tip a little into my hand. I spill it. And then have to clear it up. Which isn't easy. And really I just want to leave it.
But then Boy10 may notice the glitter mess. Put two and two together. AND BOOM! Childhood ruined.
Grumbling I sweep up a little bit of glitter.

(Mrs. Amazing: ‘Where’s Miss6?’
No idea, haven’t seen her for a while?
Last I saw of her, she took some pens, some pipe cleaners and glitter up her room…
But that two hours ago...
Mrs. Amazing: ‘WHAT??? OH NO!!!’
<Both run, are way too late>

As for the tooth's location.
I sneak into Boy10's room with my phone, and use it's lovely glow to check a few places.
Nothing. Darn it.
I'll have to assume he has put it under his pillow.

And the final problem.
Boy10's head is exactly in the middle of the pillow. Exactly on top of where he may have put the tooth. Of course he's got two pillows tonight. So I've got double checking to do.
OMFB! I wish Mrs. Amazing was doing this and I was still in bed fast asleep.
If Boy10 wakes Mrs. Amazing is an expert at distracting Boy10 and then still managing to deliver the payload.
Me. I'm gonna panic. Shove the coin up his nose, fall off the bed, and get a pillow stuck on my head.
I am not confident.

After much assessing.
Planning and thinking about how best to do this. With only one hand. As the other has glitter in it. I try to very stealthily sneak my hand under Boy10's pillow without waking him.
And obv. as I am sure you have already guessed. It is not possible.
You cannot check for something under someone's head, without moving their head. Maybe with some more time and a little inflatable balloon. You could.
But I'm cold and completely out of little inflatable balloons. I try again on the other side.
It goes worse somehow. As Boy10 sleep moans and moves a little. Not away from the centre of the pillow. Obvs. Just a wriggle about.

Then like a rabbit in the headlights.
The worst happens. I am stood with my hand half under his pillow. Coin in the searching hand. Glitter in the other. Praying that Boy10 doesn't open his eyes.
But yeah, come on, you know. You know what happens next.
Say it with me... Boy10 opened his eyes!

What did I do?
Well I did what any parent in that situation should do. Well maybe not any. I did what a parent like me would do in that situation.
I gave Boy10 a few moments of utterly, confusing, head-moving about sensations that may terrify and disorientate him for the rest of the night.
I panicked took a calculated risk.

I grab one side of Boy10’s pillow and yank it up.
So Boy10's head is forced to roll away. Then hand with coin in it, reach in, and YES there's something there! But I am in the dark.
So I swop the coin for whatever is under the pillow. Drop the pillow down. A bit too quickly.
Boy10's head lurches back into the middle.

But I am not done.
I then grab the other side of the pillow and pull it up. Sending Boy10's head rolling the other way. Poor lad. Ha ha.
Now with hand with glitter in it free. I throw the glitter in. Let's hope it went somewhere near the coin. I'll never know. I drop the pillow and Boy10's head rolls back into the centre.
Boy10 is now probably confused and wondering what the hell is going on.
And what's the smeg is Dad doing in here?

Shoving what I found under his pillow into my jammies.
I give Boy10 a big hug and say it's OK. Just go back to sleep.
Boy10 is pretty confused and fluttered. No idea why. But really he is mostly asleep.
And in moments, with a bit of a hug, and head tap, closes his eyes once more.

I wish him good night.
And leave the room.
The moment I am sure I am safe. I check what it is I got from under his pillow. Thank Bacon and cake and chocolate. It's the tooth.
<Does victory dance>

(My quest is complete... <drops sword>
I have returned victorious... <drops shield>
now... I can rest…
<Plays on phone for a bit first>)

I get back into my bed.
Pretty pumped. Really frikkin' proud of myself. Rushing really. YEAH!
Tooth fairy work done. I don't think Boy10 will ever know it was me.
Bursting to tell someone.
I nicely jostle see if Mrs. Amazing is awake to tell her the amazing news.
She isn't as excited as I am about it...

I did it! I got the tooth! TADA!
Mrs. Amazing: '... good... Zzzzz...'
YEAH! <Self high-fives> YEAH!
<Struggles to sleep for ages>