Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

2 March 2017

Rage Against the Swimming Costume...

Poor Miss6.
I do feel sorry for her.
It’s a hard life being a daughter to a Dad that takes her out and does stuff with her.
No. It’s not the embarrassment factor. Although I am sure that will kick in one day, but it is not this day.
It’s not that I am a little less tolerant of her endless talking as Mrs. Amazing...

Here… I'll give you this fiver to shush for a few five minutes... Deal?
Miss6: <Takes money>
... <Is confident I will get my money back> Five whole minutes...
Miss6: <Nods>
[Twenty, maybe thirty seconds pass]]
Miss6: <Looks like she is about to burst>
Miss6: <Starts pointing at stuff and miming>
I've no idea what you are saying? There's aliens on that tree and they are yodelling?
Miss6: <Explodes> <There's a lot of talking very quickly>
Miss6: <Passes money back>
Thank you... a P.B. by the way... twenty nine seconds...
Miss6: 'Well I think it would have gone better if...'
<Put brain into idle for a while> <Turns on auto-nod>
Miss6: '... then you started going on about yodellin...'

Miss6’s main problem about being out with me is that I am not female.
As it means:

a) She has to go to toilet in the men's.

Right. Just keep your eyes on the floor and touch nothing
NOTHING. This is the men's. It's gross
Miss6: 'It's smells yukky'
Yep. Just stand there and don't move...
Actually put this blindfold on...
And these headphones…
In fact... <Casts stasis spell>

b) My practical knowledge of wearing women's clothing, and even more so little girls clothes, is low. Not none. But low.

(Awesome… But which would Barbara Gordon use?)

We were at the swimming pool.
Me and Miss6 go swimming once a week. It's one of my favourite things to do.
Teaching Miss6 to swim is a real honour. We've currently working on our 20m badge. She's doing great. I'm a very proud Dad.
And swimming is right fun anyway.
But it seems loads can go wrong (See BabyBoy2 and the nappy incident)...

We (I) pay.
We go in. Get changed. And head to the lockers...

[Me and Miss6, dry, putting stuff in locker]
[Locker jams my quid (a £1 coin) in it]
Stupid locker! <Quietly swears at locker and make comments about it's mother being a car compactor of poor compression quality>
<Tries to force coin with finger>
<Coin gets REALLY stuck>
SIGH <Sighs the sigh of a man that doesn't want to get dressed again and go to get another quid>
Miss6: 'What are we going to do?'
<Rifles through the bag with all our stuff in> <Shotguns Gets pocket knife out>
<Convinces quid to work> Tada!
Miss6: <Is unimpressed>
<Ignores Miss6 and smugly puts everything in and locks it>
<Worries I may never get my quid back>
Miss6: 'Er... The water bottle' <That is in Miss6's hands>
<Internal swearing>
<Unlocks the locker and repeats process>
<Is sure we won't get our quid back now>
<Is also a bit worried the locker may not open at all now>

Then it's wee time.
Miss6 needs to go. So do I. We both go into the men's.
This used to be simple. With Miss5 we would both go into a cubicle. I'd help Miss5 if she needed it. And ensure she had a clean enough environment. Then we'd swap places. Both jobs done.
But Miss6 is bigger and more grown up and independent. And as she doesn't need my help now. I feel a bit weird being in a cubicle with her.
As I’ve nothing to do.

So there are two choices.
a) Let Miss6 lock herself in and pray that she can open it later.
Very risky in men's toilets.  But does leave me free to go for a wee myself.

b) Stand outside the cubicle and wait.
Which doesn’t look great. Hanging about in men's toilets is best avoided.
Leaving me NOT free to go wee. As if I move then I’ve left a six year old girl. Alone.
In a unlocked male toilet.
Where anythingone could wander in. No no.
I'm standing guard.

(None shall pass…
<Gets hugged> BOOM!)

Miss6 is done.
She heads off to see if she can reach the shower button. I get to wee.
She still cannot reach the showers and when I start them for her.
Miss6 ducks out of the way and refuses to get even a little wet.
It seems her swimming costume is itchy when it's wet.
Unless she's in the water...

Miss6: '... and that's why I can't get wet before I get in the water'
Gotcha... <Has got nothing>

I thought it was strange.
Normally Miss6 likes to don her swimming costume before we leave for the pool.
And then takes great delight in thrashing me at the 'who can get changed for swimming first' race...

Miss6: 'Winner!' <Does dance>
Whateve's! Well done darling <Grinds teeth>

My poor little angry girl.
Show's me the itchy spaghetti straps she has on her swimming costume.
They annoy her so much balls up her hands in rage. She even lets out a small shout of frustration.
Poor thing.

Miss6 solution to the problem is simple.
Lower the straps until she is in the pool. Go nips out.
I consider letting Miss6 do this. She is only six. And my nips are well out on display anyway. What’s the difference really.
It can't hurt.

We finally get into the pool.
Miss6 can touch the bottom on tip toes. It's pretty much perfect for her.
She pulls her straps up, as promised. And... Well... There's something wrong with her costume. I know something is wrong.
I can see it.

I can still see her nips.
Which isn't the end of the world (it isn't). But the swimming costume is meant to cover them.
I'm sure it's on backwards. But now that I am looking and thinking about it. I'm not sure.
No experience you see. I don't wear many one pieces.
But it looks wrong enough that I drag her back out of the pool. Carefully not making eye contact with any other parents in the pool. Back to the shower area.
The men’s showers.

We're both shivering away.
It’s an English pool. There's cold air everywhere.
We whip her swimmers off, turn them around, and put them back on.
There's a lot of fighting...

Stick your foot in that hole… No that one, there... <Points>
Miss6: 'It's cold!!! EKKKK!'

I persevere.
Eventually Miss6 has rotated swimmers on.
And... No. No that's not right at all. Miss6 agrees. That's definitely backwards now.
We agree to turn them around again.

Miss6: 'It's cold!!! EKKKK!'
Foot in there...<Points>

It takes longer this time.
And Miss6 is stood naked in the men's showers for longer than I happy with. It's deserted at least.
We manage to get her wet swimming costume back on just as some grown up men walk back into showers. Phew.
But it's still not right.
Stupid swimming costume.

I realise we've been lucky so far.
No one has walked in on us whilst we struggle with her swimmers. But we both know.
We need to do this properly now.
We need to work out what the smeg is going on with these swimmers.

Safe in a cubicle.
Door locked. We removed the swimmers again. I look for some instructions. Anything really that would suggest what we are doing wrong.
It says wash at 30, don't iron, it's made from plastic. I know all that. Useless.
Where’s the ‘this end up’ label.


We put the wet cold swimmers back on Miss6.

Miss6: 'Ekkk! Argghhghg! Grrr...'
Foot! HERE!

I am running out of ideas.
I ask her to spin so I can see the problem from all angles.
I don't want to have to go home. Not having swum. And admit a swimming costume beat me.
Despite being a Dad for nearly a decade (oh bacon), I still have some pride.
Somewhere. It maybe hidden though.
Come on brain! Think!

I ask Miss6 to spin again.
Which she loves doing anyway. And this time I notice there's a lot of fabric around her bum.
Well that could be it. Then without really thinking it through or anything that could be consider thoughtful. A guess.
I grab the top of the swimmers and lift Miss6 up by them. Maybe brute strength will magically work!
Her bottom slides deeper into the swimming costume. And suddenly it fits perfectly.
Nips covered too.

Me and Miss6 exchange looks.
Who knew! Neither of us. We have a little giggle about it. Then run off to swim.
And have a lovely time together.