Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

7 September 2016

Technically Free To Go...

BabyBoy2 is crying.
He has been put to bed. Nicely. No catapults were used.
But it hasn't 'taken'. As it were.
BabyBoy2 is refusing this bedtime. It is not working for him.
He makes this noise...

<In the key of heart-wrench>

But I cannot go help BabyBoy2 right now.
Despite being at home and mere feet away from him. I am busy lion taming putting Miss5 to bed. The exact balance of fun and sternness has to be carefully administered. So she doesn't explode in anger and refuse to sleep for a year tonight.
It's quite tricky.
Miss5 needs to read herself, needs a story read to her, and then needs to calm down ready for sleep.  Dance routines and sing alongs are totally out… (as per the Team Parent (yay!) treaty of 2015) (Of which I was absent for, but the motion was somehow carried with 19 votes to none (!)).

[Bedtime lights out just about to happen...]
So... Ready for sleep? <Is hopefully>
Miss5: 'Yes Daddy!' <Get's a kiss>
Miss5: 'Is the window open>'
Yep. The window is open…  so's your door <Points>
Oh no! <Realises the Frozen lyric trap I have stumbled head first into>
Miss5: <Grins> '... I didn't know they did that anymore!'
… Fine….
<Full singing voice with actions> Who knew we owned eight thousand salad plates?
Miss5: <Big arms> 'For years I've roamed these empty halls...'
[... The lights out ceremony is delayed]

(No! That is not acceptable bedtime dresswear! You cannot wear that to bed!
Miss5: <Sticks out tongue>
Miss5: <Dresses in a giant Cat onesie>
Yes that’s fine and nuts)

But we (I) avoid that.
Bedtime is going well. I am totally ignoring BabyBoy2, and so is Mrs. Amazing.
It is the side effect of having three children. Team Parent (yay!) can only be giving 1-2-1 interact with so many children (two).
So even though BabyBoy2 is crying he's ignored.
Bad luck little dude.

But don't worry he's just being fussy.
It is not a blood curdling scream.
He is not in pain.
He is not poorly.
He is not feeling sad or lonely.
It's not a wet nappy situation.
There are no yodelling badgers in his cot this time.

I find out a bit later what is wrong.
(Which I’ll tell you now so you don’t worry) BabyBoy2 is shouting because the book he wants is on his changing table. And not in his cot.
So really don't worry. He was read lots of books already.

<Key of wounded soldier>

It's impressive from Mrs. Amazing.
I can hear BabyBoy2 from Miss5's room. I know Mrs. Amazing can hear BabyBoy2 from Boy9's room too. I expect her to run in. Not happy about having too obv.
But I did expect her too.
Because it's rare that BabyBoy2 calls out

<In the key of strangled-cat>

It's normally ‘DaddeeeEE (etc.)’ because he knows I’m a right softy and I'll come running (unless it’s during the night, then I have duvet weight issues)...

<Pauses Cricket>
<Puts down beer>
<Changes mind as it was nearly empty anyway. Chugs it>
<Skips Cricket back a bit, so I don't miss the build up>
<Stands on toy and swears silently>
<Picks up toy and fails to put it away>
<Creeps upstairs>
<Realise I haven't got my phone, go back down>
<Open another beer>
<Finally gets to BabyBoy2's room and peeks in>
Ahhhh... fast asleep!
<BabyBoy2 fast asleep bum in the air, feel asleep waiting>

Mrs. Amazing says I run even faster if Miss5 calls.
Which is not true. #Jealous. And I was going to give a great example of why that wasn’t true at all but someone… er… needed me to bounce her up the stairs… and I... err...


I leave Miss5's room.
I dance to celebrate a successful bedtime and the request a whole host patheon to help her stay in bed.
Miss5 did remind before I left that I needed to get Mrs. Amazing so they can hug before bed. As clearly my hugs COUNT FOR NOTHING!
Sorry... It's my problem. Just feelings... I seem to have...
I pass on the heart breaking message.
All the while BabyBoy2 is still going...

<In the key of wounded seal>

(What is that wailing? Is that BabyBoy2?
Mrs. Amazing: ‘Nope, I just checked... he’s asleep’
Then what is it then?…  <Thinks>... The NEW CHOCOLATE CUPBOARD ALARM!
<Arrives too late>
<Finds fat children>)

I deduce he's not asleep yet.

I'm off out tonight.
It's time to step out and fight crime, for the good of the universseeeeeeee exercise night for me. Whilst pies and chocolate do magically disappear when I am around. The result that ends up lining my tummy doesn't. Despite my magic powers (none) (so far).
So it's bare knuckle fighting for cake exercise for me.
Which means I am rushing to eat, get changed, and then leave.
And as it’s seems Miss5 is asleep, or least pretending...
Technically. Technically... I am free to go out and just leave BabyBoy2 having a bit of a wail.

But I don't.
I've ten minutes and I love a cuddle with BabyBoy2 and ten minutes is ages (sometimes).
But most importantly I’ve put in my Dad hours over the years (two of them). I am confident I soothe his crying.
I believe I have the skills. It’s a good feeling.

I pop in and see BabyBoy2.
POP! He's very happy to see me (obv.) and stops crying instantly. (Told you he was fine).
We have one of our weird conversations where he points and says a few words.
And I try and fill in the gaps. His speech is just starting. Sometimes it works for us. Other times we both end up smiling and changing the subject and talking about the weather.
We're getting better though.
This time. He's pretty damn clear...

BabyBoy2: 'OoK’ <Points at book on changing table>
BabyBoy2: 'OoK’ <Points at book on changing table>
Chinook? <Looks up> <Is disappointed>
BabyBoy2: 'OOOOoK’ <REALLY points at book on changing table>
What the hel… OH BOOK!
BabyBoy2: 'OoK!!!’ <Pleading eyes>
Er… No. Sorry matey!
I want you to sleep. Not tear a book to pieces, eat it, and then not sleep for the next few hours...

Obv. that doesn't go down that well.
I pick up BabyBoy2 who is now weeping in his cot, bum in the air. And give him a big hug.
He calms down and accepts the hug. He melts in my arms and shoulders.
And every single nappy, sick clean up, no sleep night, poke in the eye, kick in the groin, Team Parent night together that is interrupted… become worth it.
It’s lucky they are cute.

I sing him a song.
His go to sleep song Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin. BabyBoy2 rubs my back with his teeny tiny hands a bit. Copying what I do. My ovaries man parts skip a beat.
He calms down very quickly and I lay him down and tuck him in.
And then have to do it again as he now has very exacting tuck in requirements.
And I get to feel pretty smug.

As I go to leave he asks for his book again.
<Nice voice> Sorry mate. No. Sleep tight! X
<Leaves and hopes BabyBoy2 takes it well>

I meet Mrs. Amazing outside his room as I shut his door.

[There is silence...]
Mrs. Amazing: 'Oh wow! What did you do?'
Well…. <Is expecting the worst>...
<In the key of a mortally wounded french horn>
[... there is not silence...]
Mrs. Amazing: <Tone change> 'What did you do?'
I took away his book. I gotta go...
Still! At least he's not screaming your name anymore!
Mrs. Amazing: <Grins>
[...there may never be silence again...]

(Hear no baby crying because I’m in the car heading out,
seeing not baby crying cause I’m in the car heading out,
speak no… ah you get it…)


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