Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).
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4 August 2016

Night Night, Sleep Tight...

Night night, sleep tight.
Don't let the big dragon carry off to its mountain top and eat you bedbugs bite.

Actually scratch that…

Night night, sleep tight...
And if you wake up. Just go straight back to sleep. Don’t get up. Don’t check anything with us. It's all fine. And definitely don't sneak into our bed. Again.
(And we still wish you positive things with regard to the bugs and their biting, as in we hope they refrain) (Not that there are bugs or spiders in your beds of course)
<Smirks and whistles off>

Each child has their own tactics for trying to get into our bed:

(OK! I think I’ve got it… Just one question? Which line do I bat from?)

Boy9 knows to avoid me.
He knows that if he comes into Team Parents (yay!) HQ bedroom and I find him first.
Boy9's reason for being up better be pretty damn good.

What you want? <Eyes still shut> <Grammer still sleepy>
Boy9: 'I can't sleep' <Saddest voice ever>
Is it because you are being woken by a mini-version of yourself?
Is that your problem?
Try getting back into bed... and then sleeping...
Boy9: 'The rain is keeping me awake' <Spoken as though it’s a horror movie>
It doesn't normally <Wide eyes> Try counting every rain drop you hear...
Boy9: 'I think I heard the cat knock your Optimus Prime over'
Really? <Sits up> We better go check...

He can have a hug. Obv.
I'm not a monster. He can hop into the bed for a quick cuddle. But as Boy9 sleeps at the heat of a million suns.
It's never the longest hug.

Boy9 actively aims for Mrs. Amazing.
When he comes in during the night. If I catch him we can end up arguing, at ARGH-O'Clock, over him not waiting to discuss his awakeness with me.
Because it's only for Mrs. Amazing's ears. That just makes me happier.
Especially as I know it’s Boy9 code for: ‘My reason for being up, won't wash with you... But it's gold for Mummy’

Eventually though.
Boy9 is either frog-marched back to bed. Or, if I can be woken, maybe you can hire the D-Team. And persuaded. And you communicated with and generally made agreeable to carry a tiny person about.Then I sometimes carry the huge sack of potatoes (Boy9) to bed.
I rarely smack his head on walls anymore. I have become a lot from careful and caring.
However the landing are getting worse...

What have you been eating?
Boy9: 'Cake and bacon...'
Good boy... Here we go… <Walks into Boy9’s room>
Boy9: 'Can you drop me gently this time Da…
Yeah… Argh! No! You’re flipping heavy! ARGHGGH!...
[THUD]
Sorry! My bad! ... Thought the bed was here... it's not.
Night... <Blows a kiss and runs>

(It was the title and classiness of this cake that caught my stomach eye...
And it is served with booze... #Winner)

Miss5 is the master at sneaking in.
She's like a ninja. Light on her feet. Quick. Mostly silent. Patient and can blend into the shadows and disappear should I hear something.
Miss5 is also very huggable.
Even I (the King of all resisting) cannot resist a Miss5 hug deep in the depths of the evening. Shame Miss5 is quite so kicky.
Even when she's in a good mood. She still a bit kicky. Probably a sleeping reflex.
And also it's a huge shame her kicks are waist height on me.
OW.
Miss5 tends to aim for Mrs. Amazing's side of the bed too.
Which is fair enough as there’s the normal ‘Waking the Golem’ issue with my side.
But also Mrs. Amazing just can’t say no to a simple 'Mummy I'm cold'.
To be let in for a warm-up hug.

Often I don't notice Miss5 has snuck in.
Well not to start with. Eventually. Hours later I'll wake with Mrs. Amazing pressed right up to me. It’s not my birthday? The heat in the bed similar to that of the surface of Mercury.
For if Boy9 sleeps at the heat of million suns. Then Mrs. Amazing and Miss5 both hit the billion suns mark. And together?
Warm. Very warm.

Removing Miss5 from our bed is the trickiest.
If Miss5 is asleep. That’s fine. I can pick her sleepy-self up, and carry / hug her back to bed. Easy job. No probs.
However. If she's awake it can go one of two ways.
a)
Back to bed Miss5 <Nice voice>
Miss5: 'Sure Daddy. Let's go' <Happily toddles back to bed>

b)
Back to bed Miss5 <Nice voice>
Miss5: 'Oh, I'm afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive… you are mistaken’ <Shakes head>
Miss5: 'I. Will. Not. Be. Going. Anywhere' <Becomes un-pickup able like the Cat>

If it's situation (b).
Which it normally is. Then I have to call in my Team Parent (yay!) team mate. Mrs. Amazing.
Otherwise there's going to be two angry people shouting at each other in the wee hours of the morning. I am not at my most tolerant at that time of decade day...

GO BACK TO BED!!!
Miss5: 'NO' <Starts kicking towards me>
Don't you KICK ME!
Miss5: <Takes the dare>
OW! RIGHT! <Picks up kicky daughter>
OW! No scratching! OW!
<Puts hellcat daughter back in her bed>
Go to bed! Er.. SLEEP!
Miss5: 'NO!' <Follows me back to my bed>
<Copes badly> ARGHGHGHHH!
[Repeat a few times, and very little progress is made]
Mrs. Amazing: <Gets up, puts on dressing gown, calmly talks to Miss5, picks up Miss5 and she goes back to bed quietly and happily>
<Fails to get back to sleep for ages, is too annoyed>

It's a nitro and glycerin thing.
Me being nitro and Miss5 being glycerin. And when you mix the two...
[BOOM!]
<Looks at the rubble> What have we done?
Miss5: ‘It can’t be my fault’
Oh yes? Why not?
Miss5: ‘I’m only five!’
Damn it. Look... It's think it’s best we just…
... RUN!
Miss5: 'Sure' <Skips off>

(It seems to say ‘O NO’ a lot... Which feels apt...)

And then there's BabyBoy2.
Beautiful. Lovely. Happy BabyBoy2. Still stuck behind bars in his cage cot.
Singing away to himself and generally being pretty calm and cool about stuff.
BabyBoy2 only gets into our bed because we put him there. Normally because he is poorly.
And yet when he does get there. His big chance...
He blows it every time.

BabyBoy2 just cannot be calm in our bed.
BabyBoy2 never learnt how to be in bed with Team Parent (yay!) whilst they are sleeping.
He has failed to master the art of lying still. And being quiet. In our bed.
Or at least pretending enough that Team Parents (yay!) can at least get restless, broken, uncomfortable sleep. #TheDream!
To BabyBoy2 our bed is a play park / trampoline. With his two favourite people in it.
It's just too exciting...

BabyBoy2: 'Ooooooo!' (* 'Look! There's Mummy! Yay!') <Bounces over>
Mrs. Amazing: ‘Hello’ <Has eyes shut>
BabyBoy2: 'Ahhhhh' (* 'And there's Daddy! Yay!') <Bounces over>
<Gives a slobbery kiss> <Headbutts me too>
Urgh (* ‘Hey dude! Love you too!’)
BabyBoy2: 'Mummy!' (* 'Look there's Mummy again! <More bouncing>
<Gives a non-slobbery kiss>
BabyBoy2: 'WOWWWWW' (* 'You've pillows! And a light!')
<Light goes off and on very quickly a lot>
<Pillows get thrown about>

We don’t help either.
Team Parent (yay!) laugh and giggle as BabyBoy2 bounces around.
He is utterly adorable and it is very hard to make him stop and calm down. Moments like this to me are the best moments of parenting. He is hella cute.
Even 3am when you’re knackered.
And yeah we could take him straight back to his cot. So we can get a bit more sleep.
Which do we tend to need.

(One of BabyBoy2’s best sleeping positions!
The other is at a right angle across my face.
Which he alternates between every other second.
Whilst bouncing...)

Or we enjoy some golden moments with our littlest one.
Because they are magical and worth everything. And before he gets all big like the other two sneakily did. We should probably put him back to bed.
BabyBoy2: <More happiest person in the world bouncing>
But I’m sure another ten minutes won’t hurt...

<Yawns and sucks in a whole planet>
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