Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).
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9 May 2016

Her First Coach-based Field Trip...

She was so excited.
Her first field trip... in a coach.
Big day, big day.

Miss5 has already been on a field trip.
The local wood looking for bugs. But this one. THIS ONE she gets to go on a coach! She's never been on a coach before. It's very exciting.
And if it doesn't seem exciting to you, then replace the word coach with hover-battle-coach.
There, better now? Good. <Doesn't really care>

(Without the furry dice, the school bus looked a bit crap run-down)

Miss5 and her entire school year are off on a coach to a farm.
Brilliant. Poor you-couldn't-pay-me-enough-to-look-after-ninety-five-year-olds-let-alone-take-them-anywhere teachers.
It's not as though Miss5 hasn't seen a farm before. She's seen farms. We're good like that, they're cheap. Plus we live in the UK <stands>, you can see animals in fields <sits, as is tired> as you drive about.
If you live near fields that is.

As we drive about burning rubber and head banging to Queen.
Team Parents (yay!) point out any animals we see to the children as we pass. Especially if they're fighting, shouting, bickering, punching each other (Boy8 & Miss5), crying, winging, having a massive strop over a sock (Miss5 & BabyBoy1), or bouncing and shaking their car seat (BabyBoy1).
The only time we don't point out the animals is when the screamers children are asleep.
And sometimes we forget there are no kids are in the car and still point them out. Which is always a bit weird.
<Is shocked> What do you mean you don't care about the lambs in the field?
Mrs. Amazing: ‘Shove your [Rude words...] lambs [More rude words...] sideways [Yet more rude words, some new...] with a watermelon
<Is shocked> ... a) that's disgusting. Kiss your babies with that mouth?
and b) that’s illegal
And c) I doubt it would fit...

Each child reacts to the animals we see in their own unique and fun way...

[All in car cruising heading somewhere]
Look cows!
Miss5: 'Cow. C-OW. That's how you say Cow Daddy. C-OW'
<Mind is blown>
Boy8: <Looks, but is too cool to respond>
BabyBoy1: 'Moooooooo'
[Next field]
Look sheep!
Miss5: 'Sheep. Sh-E-P-P-P. That's how you say Sheep Daddy, did you know it has three sounds Daddy?'
I believe I was aware of syllabatic quantification of the word Sheep, yes Yep
Boy8: <Looks, but is too cool to respond> <Picks nose>
BabyBoy1: 'Baaaaaaaa'
[Next field]
Look Cerberus! <Is not joking>
Miss5: 'Where?'
Boy8: <Looks, but pretends he didn't, as he's too cool to be duped, but has been duped> <Continues to picks nose>
BabyBoy1: 'Woof woof woof'
...
<Team Parent (yay!) give BabyBoy1 a look>

(You found this puppy where?... )
(Image from here)

Anyhoo... the field trip.

There were tears over the Miss5's lunch box.
She has a dinosaur one. It's cool. We've even had practice days (?!) with her lunch box.
I am not 100% sure why, looking back, but I'm sure it seemed reasonable at the time.
I bet there was a really good reason...

Miss5: 'Arghhhh'
OMB! What happened? What happened to your eye?
Miss5: 'Lunchbox in my ey-ey-ey' <Blubs>
How? ... Why? ...
If only we had practiced beforehand… <Rues stuff and shakes fist>
<Both huddle together for safety from the dangers of the world>

Practice was a good idea.
As Miss5 doesn't eat great. She tends to take a lot of prodding, prompting, reminding, re-seating and actual pointing at her food.
So making sure she got the whole 'the food is inside this' idea was a good plan (one of the other Team Parent (yay!) team suggested it, I'm not sure who...).
Miss5 practised at school and ate what she wanted too.
And more importantly everything she went with. She brought back.
We never have enough spoons and Tupperware as it is, Miss5 throwing one away every lunch, will have an impact...

I can't find anything to take my half slice of cake to work in? (!)
... hang on... IDEA! 
I know what I can put it in!!!
<Eats cake>

Miss5 was ready for the field trip.
Skilled in lunch boxes. Wearing a rapidly found hat. Trainers on. Hair in pigtails. Liberally slathered in suntan lotion, as the English sun had finally decided today was the go-time (I still wore my coat). Prep'd about whose Mummy was going to be there. Buddy to sit with, eat and general have a right 'ol laugh down the pub with assigned to/with/at(??).
Miss5 was ready to go.

We broke the news about the lunch box situation before breakfast.
Knowing there may be a strong reaction. Actually Mrs. Amazing did it. I was stirring porridge and just watched as something very small, and seemingly not very significant - a lunch box - took Miss5 from happy YAY!!!! to tears and rage ARGHGHGHGHGH!!!.
It was brief though. It was over very quickly for a change. Mrs. Amazing handled it like the pro she is. Like her namesake, Mrs. Wombat.
She listened to Miss5’s anger, heard her tears, and basically acknowledged all the feelings Miss5 was having, whilst being very clear the answer was no chance.
It made the emotions pass pretty darn quickly.
Nothing beats having someone understand you...

Mrs. Amazing: 'Come now... tell me what's wrong?'
<Sniffs> They called time early at the pub!
Mrs. Amazing: 'O no!' <Hugs me>
<Sniffs and struggles to talk> Yes... I was just getting another pint, two shots, peanuts, pork scratchings and change for the billiard table when they called ti-m-m-m <Blubs>
Mrs. Amazing: 'Poor you. Do you want a can from the tiddly (utility) room instead?'
<Nods and takes a Um-Bongo strong beer>
<And some chocolate>

Lunch boxes were not allowed.
Because of the school. They had asked. Nicely, mind. Nicely.
No lunch boxes be taken on the trip as they didn't want to carry any.
Which may sound a bit lazy strange, until you remember they have ninety children with them today. That's a lot to carry.
And that COULD be forty four identical Elsa lunch boxes, forty four identical Batman lunch boxes, one child without any lunch at all, and Miss5 denying she owned a dinosaur lunch box, and claiming a Batman one. You can see what they are trying to avoid.
Actual bedlam.

No lunch boxes.
Or tupperware in fact. Everything is going in the bin after lunch. Which I am less happy with.
But again. It's a large number of five year olds trying to eat at the same in a strange (to them) location. Anything that makes it easier for the teachers, I'm happy to do. Short of tipping.
I can wrestle with my Green credentials and the schools requirements next field trip.

(Awesome, amazing, amazeballs. In that order)

I dropped off Miss5 at school ready for her trip.
You could smell the parental concern in the air it's like perfumed napalm. Fair enough. Team Parents (yay!) were exactly the same when Boy8 went off on his first field trip. It is hard to let go, and trust other people can look after your little treasure.
Even the really screamy lovely ones.

Boy's first coach-based field trip he came back with a huge cut on his nose.
Apparently we was so excited to be getting onto a coach (really). He fell over running to get his seat. Outside of the coach. Face first into tarmac. On his nose.
Ooooo <Sucks teeth>

No one's fault except Boy8, nothing could have stopped it, Team Parent (yay!) didn't blame the school or teachers at all. Why would we?
A lesson for Boy8 was learnt we felt. And we saved any laughing until later.
He still has a tiny scar there.

However! Team Parents (yay!) are nothing if not brave!
Despite Boy8's near mortal wounding fall, we are happy to let Miss5 go on the coach-based field trip.
Team Parents (yay!) are being carefully to not be over protective of our tiny, delicate, beautiful, little princess girl. Me it's me being overly protective.
She needs to do stuff on her own, explore the world with her friends, without us hanging around.
She doesn't need Team Parent (yay!) all up in her grill and stuff. Looking after her and caring and stuff.
It maybe just a coach ride to us adults, but to Miss5 it's essentially a gap-year travelling around Amsterdam (as it were) with all her mates.
A journey of discovery. On a coach.

<Weeps Sniffs a little>
Hey! Hey! Don't take that bubble wrap off...
<Miss5 continues to remove bubble wrap>
You're not at home now you know!... <Shakes fist>
<Is utterly ignored by Miss5>
<Miss5 Skips off happy>
<Howls Roars like a wounded Lion>

Miss5's highlight of the entire trip?
The main thing Miss5 will remember, the bit she told us about, many times, and everyone that asked.
There was a tap on the coach.
<Mind blown>


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