Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

18 May 2016

A Quick Five Minute Job (Takes Sodding Ages)...

It's amazing anything ever gets done with kids about.
Look at the step in this picture...

(The school shoes were refused...)

Shocking I know.
Sit if you need to. 
Ignore the shoes and Miss5’s foot. That’s another tale.
You’re looking at the step.

I walk over that step a lot.
It's my front door step and I notice it every time. It annoys me.
Despite my want, desire and need to paint it. It still hasn't been done. Something else is always more fun, important, someone has poo in their pants, the flock need feeding again, someone wants to show me something I've seen before, or the chocolate cupboard is just too darn full and there’s full wine bottles cluttering up the counter top.
Nothing bad has happened to the step.
Don’t worry. It's just a few years of innocent wear and tear.
I assume….

What are you doing? <Finds Boy8 near the step>
Boy8: 'Nothing'
Are you scuffing up the porch step? <Reins in anger>
Boy8: 'No' <Hides hands>
Show me your hands
Boy8: 'No' <Drops sand paper>
Is that sand paper? <Plots first date revenge, involving home-made Superman outfit, a bad Swedish accent and Boy8 as Boy1 photo-t -shirt>
Boy8: 'No... Why would I have sandpaper?...' <Has righteous indignation, yet cannot make eye contact>
<Calmly takes sandpaper> Anything else?
Boy8: <Reluctantly hands over paint stripper, blow torch, scuff-coloured paint>
You know this stuff doesn't help me?
Boy8: ‘Yeah' <Laughs> <Runs>

The scruffiness annoys me.
Of the step (mine is fine). It's a chank get-ter-on-ner-rer.
I feel the front door should look nice, even if inside the house is wall to wall kids crap toys and mine  jammed in and stuck to the walls.
The front door, should at least look nice.

(Possibly a bit showy…)

Of course painting the step is only a little job.
Get paint. Sit and paint. Job done. Five minutes maximum. 
Easy. Three simple steps and the job is done. Lovely.
Except it's not that. 
Life isn't like that any more. <WeepsRoars like a Lion>
This one little job... is going take a few days hours...
And have about fifty steps... <Motions to list of steps prepared earlier>

1. Get paint from shed.

2. Remove BabyBoy1 from the dangerous shed as he followed me in.

3. Lock BabyBoy1 out of dangerous shed.

4. Cheer up BabyBoy1 because he really wanted to hurt himself in the dangerous shed, and doesn't understand why Daddy stopped him.

5. Get stopped in kitchen and have to watch Miss5 walk through sunbeams. Faking fascination.

6. Make a cup of tea. Remind Boy8 football is for outside, only.

7. Realise I didn't get anything to open the smegging paint tin with. Swear internally.

8. Get big screwdriver from shed.

9. Remove BabyBoy1 from dangerous shed. Ignore crying this time.

10. Walk off, ignoring guilt of leaving BabyBoy1 crying face down on the ground. He will be fine.

11. Get stopped in kitchen and watch Miss5 spell out (yes watch) three words that are the spelt the same, but if you say them differently then they are spelt differently (??). 
<Puts mind back together>

12. Try to take football off Boy8 but fail and end up knocking something over. Swear internally.

13. Tidy up mess and ignore Boy8's mocking.

14. Finally sit and open paint.

15. Remove paint lid from BabyBoy1's hand as he has stuck up on me and I didn't see him grab for the lid.

16. Take BabyBoy1 to wash his hands.

17. Take BabyBoy1 to Mrs. Amazing for safe keeping.

18. Agree reluctantly happily that sitting in the quiet with a magazine, for sanity reasons, is just as important as painting a scruffy step.

19. Come back with BabyBoy1. Put cartoon on for him. His favourite and mine: 'Sarah and Duck'.

(Sarah: ‘Duck… We’re a bit low on food at the moment…
and there was a vote last night...)

20. Mentally set timer as 'Sarah and Duck's are only five minutes long.

21. Realise tea is cold. Make more tea.

22. Put paintbrush into paint, notice Miss5 standing there.

23. Explain to Miss5 what I am doing. Explain why I am doing it. Twice. Accept that not everyone (Miss5) sees why a step needs painting. Explain why white is the only colour going on here. No rainbows.

24. Get convinced that painting the step orange would very cool and go and see what Mrs. Amazing thinks.

25. Continue painting the step white, whilst reminding Miss5 to keep her ideas to herself.

26. Tell Miss5 to be careful, as the paint is wet.

27. Take Miss5 to wash her hands.

28. Paint over Miss5's hand print.

29. Retrieve paintbrush from BabyBoy1 who has stolen the paint brush and is slowly running away.

30. Put on another 'Sarah and Duck' for BabyBoy1.

31. Sit Miss5 in front of 'Sarah and Duck' as well.

32. Find Boy8 outside looking at paint on the bottom of his shoe.

33. Swear internally. Hit a few coats and hats in the porch.

34. Explain to Boy8 that the paint was wet. Explain why there wasn't a sign and really it's his fault for not looking where he is going.

35. Listen to Boy8 explain why it's my fault and there should have been a sign.

36. Pour all the paint over Boy8's head and then shove the brush up his nose to make myself feel better.

36. Accept that Boy8's has a point, he wasn't warned. But don't tell him that.

37. Paint over shoe mark.

38. Take Boy8 and clean the bottom of his shoe.

39. Return to find every flying animal in twenty square miles has landed on the wet paint. And got stuck.

40. Paint over the fools and try not to feel too cruel, or cackle out loud.

41. Tell ALL children, clearly, the paint is wet and to stay away.

42. Watch as ALL three are drawn towards the wet paint like they are being pulled into a black hole that's handing out chocolate.

43. Hatch a plan to get some quiet time and to give the paint a chance to dry.

44. Wrestle with the ethical consequences of the plan, the inevitable fall out. The price I will have to pay.

45. Accept the price and silently apologise to Mrs. Amazing in advance.

46. Say to kids…
Did you know Mummy is having a few minutes peace and quiet? Upstairs.
Make sure you don’t disturb her...

47. Watch as all three are drawn, like moths to a flame, towards Mrs. Amazing resting.

(Can’t resist... it’s just so ... Must! Must have!!! <Is thrown out of the store>)

48. Paint Step. Sit back and watch paint dry in peace.

49. Ignore sarcastic peace ruining tone from Mrs. Amazing. From upstairs...
Mrs. Amazing: 'Oh I am SO happy to see you ALL'
Mrs. Amazing: 'When I was TRYING to get a few moments PEACE AND QUIET?'
Mrs. Amazing: 'I THOUGHT Daddy was looking after you all?'

50. Drink cold tea and wonder how best to make this up to Mrs. Amazing.
<Enjoys sun>


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