Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

10 April 2016

Our Family Car (And the Start of Tractor Love...)

I am pretty sure that when they say a family car...
They mean a family that has no stuff.
Which is not us. By at least a lorry load.

Even if we're not going on holibobs.
We have a buggy to put in, three car seats, a nappy bag, blankets, changes of clothes, scooters, bikes, snacks, board games, comics, life sized R2-D2 cut out, crowns, capes, sticks, pebble collections, wellies, food for a small army and enough water to cross the Gobi desert... twice.
Luckily the children have little legs so lots of stuff can be stowed by their feet.
Buggies are the worst culprits, as they are nasty, evil space killers, and they consume boots.
The swines.

I tend to pack the car.
For one simple reason. It gets me away from the others. I am easily the best at Tetris in the house. So far. <Glares at Boy8>
I get given a simple enough job that I can get my teeth into and achieve, and Mrs. Amazing gets me out of the way whilst she finishes packing, and planning for the day.
It’s all perception. You see what you want to see.
By tradition, once I have carefully, deliberately and haphazardly expertly planned how to get everything in the car, and then jammed the last things in, therefore making the car officially full.
That’s when Mrs. Amazing come out with another five bags, that require packing.

Mrs. Amazing: 'Sorry... Do what with these bags?'
Nothing... nothing... 
Just pass 'em here... Ta 
<Sneakily throws them back into the house>
Mrs. Amazing: 'I put your phone in one...'

(... the plan is…. ditch kids and go away together COOLY… what do you think?
‘I’ll drive!’ OK… sure… fine… that’s fine CRAP IT! DAMN DAMN)


In our last outing in the family-but-don’t-expect-three-cars-seats-to-fit-in-without-breaking-your-fingers-everytime car.
And after repacking the car, twice, I managed to fit all our stuff in. 
And bonus! I managed to get in all of the children AND Mrs. Amazing too. Winner.
Yes I know. Quite the Tetris master. Quite the puzzle solver.
However, the real test for Team Parents (yay!) started once we started to drive away.

A test of physics.
Logic, and logistics, featuring metaphysical requests, and demands of time travel.
The stakes, as always, was our sanity. Our opposition... the children.

We hadn't even left the street when Miss5 asked…
Miss5: ‘Are we there yet?’
Are you rippin’ it?

I think we passed the test.
Well... we all made it there and back without me lunging for one of them, and Mrs. Amazing is still sane enough. I say that's a win.
Team Parents (yay!) deployed three main tactics to handle the ‘Are we there yet?’ hell fun…

1. Be pragmatic and verbose (overly, excessively, continue talking way past the point of clarity, become one with words if you will...)
'Are we there yet?'
Nope... <Can still see house>
We will be arriving at our destination in seventy four minutes, assuming we maintain a constant speed of 400mph and there is minimal traffic, please use the windows provided for... looking at stuff
If you look here <Points at screen> It is a count down until we arrive
'What does it say?'
Fecking ages Seventy three minutes and fifty five seconds
fifty four seconds… fifty three seconds… fifty two seconds ….
Why don't you have a sleep?
<Shakes head>
No? Fine…
Fifty one seconds… fifty seconds...
Tired yet?
Forty nine seconds...

2. Distract and change the record conversation like a nun at an AC/DC party
Are we there yet?'
<Just leaving the drive>
Look a tractor! <Is lying>
I saw a tractor! <Still lying>
<Everyone looks for it for a bit>
Boy8: 'No there isn't' <Is in huff, no one knows why>
Miss5: 'Where?'
BabyBoy1: 'TRACK-TOR!TRACK-TOR!TRACK-TOR!' (* ‘I am really appreciating and enjoying the engineering and aesthetic beauty of a tractor at the moment, in which direction did you one was?’)
Miss5: 'There it is! It's red, that's your favourite colour Daddy… not mine...'
Oh yeah <Is surprised a tractor is there>
Look a pie with chips, and a cup of tea <Is disappointed>
BabyBoy1: 'TRAaaaaaaCK-TOR! TRAaaaaaaaCK-TOR!' <Is very happy>

(Now remembered as ‘that time BabyBoy1 fainted from excitement’)

3. Deep sarcasm that we shouldn't do Imagination time
'Are we there yet?'
Yes! Yes we are! Can't you tell? <Doing 8000mph on motorway miles from anywhere>
That didn't take long did it <Pretends>
<Mrs. Amazing makes sure the child door and windows locks are all on>
I'll just get out of the car <Mimes>
Ooo isn't the place we are staying lovely
<Giggles from the back>
This is my room, this is your room Miss5… <More mimes>
<More giggles>
And Boy8's...
Boy8: ‘I'm having the top bunk!’
Miss5: ‘I'm having the bottom bunk!’
OK… If you're both sure! (Thank Bacon)
BabyBoy1: 'Track-TOR?' (* ‘And where may I be resting my bones come night time?’)
You're in with us you mad little tractor lover matey-bob!

Of course other random questions are asked.
Some Team Parent (yay!) field well, some badly, some in a fun way.
And some <Chuckles> ... well some, can be quite special in their own little way.

Miss5: 'Daddy I'm thirsty?'
Try sucking moisture out of the air…
Miss5: <Tries a lot>
<Ten minutes of quiet and some basic science is learnt>
<Team Parents (yay!) stifle giggles from the front>