Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

16 March 2016

This Is A Test... An Annoying Test...

Boy8 is testing us at the moment.

Boy8: 'Who sang Uptown Funk?'
Bruno Mars. Easy. However he is only credited as a featured artist. The track is Mark Ronson's.
Boy8: 'No bonus points’
Damn it OK
Boy8: 'Who sang on Zedd's Clarity?'
Great track. Foxes
Boy8: 'What are the chorus lyrics for "Ship To Wreck" by Florence + The Machine?'
Er... Torrrrrrrrrrrette, torrrrrrrrrrrette, torrrrrrrrettes, did I build this sh*t, torrette?
Boy8: <Shakes head>
Mrs. Amazing: 'I KNOW THIS!' <Is excited>
Mrs. Amazing: 'To wreck, Florence is building a ship to wreck. I'm... unsure why...'
Well done you! I didn't know that one!
<Mentally notes to study every Flo lyric ever, this must never happen again>
Boy8: 'Well done Mummy'
Boy8: 'Now name Justin Bie...'
<Interrupts> Uh-uh. We don't say his full name in this house
It's bad for the universe <Is very serious>
Boy8: 'Name the current J. Bieber album?'
Young-whiney-spoilt-rich-twat-crap the album? <Crosses fingers>
Boy8: <Shakes head>
Mrs. Amazing: <Whispers> 'The answer is Purpose... and it sucks'

You know those days when you get to work.
And you walk up to a colleague and say something innocuous like 'morning' or 'hey' or 'you look like crap' or 'that face? Why? What did we do to you?'. Those days.
And, for no reason you can see, they utterly freak out and start shouting and screaming at everyone, smashing keyboards against the wall and knocking over pot plants.
The lot.
Now either, they are as crazy as you always said on-line, or they may have a little boy at home in full-on testing mode, and you making any sound at all was just too much to cope with today.
And they exploded.

(You did WHAT to my AT-AT? Why did you even have a sledge hammer in the first place? … OK fair enough… But... for the future... the oven isn't a safe place for 'bits' at all...)

That was my morning.
Caught in the firestorm of Boy8 testing Team Parents (yay!) to the hilt. (Great expression).
There was a lot of throttling miming going on between Team Parents (yay!) this morning.
It's the attitude he throws at us that makes me want to pull my own toe nails off and jab them in my own eyes. It's just so nasty, irritating and childish (what does he think he is?), you'd think it was X-Factor Prime Minister's question time.
It utterly gets under my skin and starts making a mess in there, and then starts throwing away stuff that could have been recycled.
Urhghghghghghhgh!!! <Hits soft tough stuff>
Boy8 knows how to push every single one of my buttons. Fast and in excellent combos. Boy8 is a master at it.
It is the worst.

Please help with the dishes?
Boy8: 'No' <Carries on making a mess>
I'm not really asking. We ALL do this, every morning
Boy8: 'I am choosing not to do it'
I am choosing not to bop you one
Miss5: 'I'm helping Daddy' <Is extra helpful>
Yes, well done Miss5, you rock you're my favourite
What do you mean you're choosing not to help?
This is not an optional thing It’s not like getting to work on time
Boy8: 'No' <Shrugs shoulder in a 'what ya going to do about it' way>
<Is held back by Mrs. Amazing, Miss5 and BabyBoy1 all fearing for Boy8's safety>
<Takes breath and adopts firm voice like the books tell ya>
Boy8. Come and clear the dishes. Now
'Oh brilliant' <Claps me sarcastically >
<Grabs Boy8 by the onesie and throws him, safely, out of the window and up to the moon for safe keeping>
<Swallows anger and just lets him slope off>
Mrs. Amazing: 'He's just testing you us, pushing boundaries, you did good, stayed calm...'
<Punches fist through top of tea bags box>
Ahhh that feels better
<Tea bags are everywhere>

The sass (yes sass) from Boy8 continued all morning.
We currently do the 'Warning system' on the kids. It works for us. They can get up to three warnings in a day.
I used up all Boy8’s warnings in the first hour of the day. Never a good move.
It leaves Team Parents (yay!) no bartering chips for later on and Boy8 nothing left to lose.
Why behave if you're already in the dog house?

Eventually Boy8 managed to hurt my MAN feelings.
I was collecting BabyBoy1 from Boy8's room.
BabyBoy1 had been allowed into Boy8's room, as he's cool. Fair play.
I was not allowed into Boy8’s room but blatantly, I ignored his ‘’’‘rules‘’’‘.
I walked into the room, picked up BabyBoy1 and started putting his socks on. Again.
Boy8 said he wanted me out.
‘He doesn't like me’
‘Get out’
(Is that my hat? Did you paint your hand black?)

I ignored him.
He said more mean things…

’R2 isn't cool’
‘Time travel is impossible’
Prove it!
‘You have to work for the next thirty years’
I bloody don’t
‘I’m young’
‘Why didn't they just ask the eagles to drop the ring in mount doom at the start?’
I don’t know <Grinds teeth>… Dumbledore kills Hermione in a jealous rage, Ron and Harry become more than just friends, Voldey joins a fold band, and Snape take his rightly place as the King of all France
‘Justin Bieber is the most talented musician ever
<Faints, from anger>

I ignore him like a grown up.

By the time me and BabyBoy1 leave the room.
Boy8 is hitting me, softly, with a cardboard box. It's pretty weird. Their malice in it, but soft malice. It doesn't hurt, it's just unpleasant.
He is trying his hardest to provoke a reaction out of me.
‘Get out you weirdo’ <Box hit> <Box hit>

I walk out of his room, happy I didn't react, or respond.
But a little bit emotionally hurt and blubbing.

Team Parents (yay!) held a quick meeting and support group for each other before we left for school / work / soft play.
That's when Mrs. Amazing said the main thing that helped stop my fury, my plans to send him to mean boarding school, my desire to get revenge on him.
And no, it's not just 'he was testing us', I know that. I've been paying attention. It's always good to be reminded of that as it explains the behaviour better than just thinking he's being a right smeghead.
Mrs. Amazing pointed out that despite this urgh at home, this punch inducing yukiness at home, this blood boiling attitude at home...

He’s behaving well at school. He’s working hard at school.
So… Given the choice. What do you choose?

1. Good at home, but bad at school.
2. Bad at home, but good at school.
3. Bad everywhere.
4. Good everywhere.

Obv. You choose 4.
But they've run out of 4. 4 will be back in stock at some point, you'll get an email. But it's not in stock right now, anywhere. Please choose something else.

It's gotta be 1 hasn't it.

I know what 1 that means. It means I have to give him a break. It means I have to weather this sass storm and keep my anger in check. Be an adult, NO! show him how an adult copes with this kind of abuse and winding up.
Not become a sucker or a doormat. Oh no. There are limits.
He can't get all up in my grill or Mrs. Amazing's without consequences. But ignoring the attitude and sass is something I we need to do.
Not square up to him.

If he's managing to keep it together at school.
Working hard and behaving. Then the effort and strain on him is large. It will be taxing his little eight year old brain as he gets pulled in a millions directions and thoughts throughout the day.
‘Should I do this?’
‘What the smeg is that?’
‘Do I care?’
‘I don't care, but I better pretend I do’
‘Naff off!’
‘That's is so cool. Wish I had that. I will steal it
‘Really? Silent 'G' on gnome?’
‘Can I play? Why can't I play?’
‘YEAH!’ <Runs>

(And that’s why you don't use your belly button as a USB port...)

With all that buzzing around his head five days a week.
It's no wonder that at the top and tail of the day, he may lash out a bit, test his boundaries.
Boy8 is getting bigger and older everyday, he is needing somewhere safe and predictable where he can test these things out, more and more.

I am so glad he feels he can express himself to us in that way at home, right in my face.