Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

9 March 2016

Taking the Michael...

Taking the piss Michael.

Hey! You kids!!! <Shakes fist at kids>
Put that down! That's an original Stipe that is, put it down!
<Notices what’s happened already to the Flatley>
That’s just wrong… No one's that flexible…
<Spots the Caine>
Aw gawd no… not the Caine… stuffed through the bloody front doors…
The irony...

It’s cockney rhyming slang ain't it... Taking the Michael... Michael Bliss... Taking the piss.
Maddest Best language EVER! 
(FYI I have no idea who Michael / Mickey Bliss is)


What ever happened to good old days?
When Dad's got loads of respect from their families. When Dad's ruled the house with an iron fist, from their office, smoking a pipe, writing witticisms, discussing cricket, being incredibly British. When did all that stop? I think I could have been good at that.
Oh yeah... that was it… It stopped when men stopped being such dicks realised we actually wanted to be loved, and not just feared by the women and children in our lives. 
It was probably then. 
And some bad press from Daddy Pig, the useless bastard.

(SOOOOOOOD OFF Yes, yes, I have been wondering what my mobile upgrade options may be… 
I will never buy anything from you soul suckers Hmmm, very interesting… )

The scales can tip too far to compensate. I feel a reasonable amount of respect from the rest of family isn't too much to ask. Dads have feelings too you know.
We may seem rock hard and mega tough, almost emotionless, granite, stoic, wall like creatures..
But you know what…  We're not.
I'm certainly not. I'm special.

Boy8: ‘What's Dad blubbing about now?’
Miss5: ‘He’s watching Danger Mouse
Boy8: ‘Who let him watch that?‘
Miss5: <Shrugs> <Hides remote behind back>
Boy8: ‘It's one of his childhood cartoons... they've rebooted it!!!’
Miss5: 'OH BUM!'
<Both giggle>
Miss5: ‘There should be some kind of Dad warning... I thought it was a new cartoon!
Miss5: ‘How's he taking it...?’
Boy8: ‘Blubbing’
Miss5: ‘Happy blubbing?’
Boy8: ‘It’s hard to say… He seems happy enough then all of a sudden he shudders and shouts out 'David Jason' and starts blubbing again’
Miss5: ‘I'll get the emergency chocs’
Boy8: <Nods> ‘Good idea... Both boxes…’

It’s not that I need to feel like a king in my own home.
I accept those days are gone. Long gone. Crowns ain't cheap, courts are tiring to maintain, and the Police would start asking questions as people disappeared.
Anyway being vaguely in joint charge with Mrs. Amazing as half of the awesome crime duo Team Parents (yay!) is mostly what I want and aspire to. I love them all very much and am for the most part delighted to be hanging out with them all.

It’s just that every now and then…
Well there can be a bit too much Michael being removed for my liking. Some days they just bring a truck and load it up.
See for yourself… (and by see, I mean read and imagine because it’s mainly skits, so not really see at all, more a commencement of a short play… <Bows> Ice cream after the first innings...)

Still taking his first baby steps in taking the wee wee... bless ‘im, he’s picking it up quick...

<Points at me> 'DaaDee'
<Heart fills with pride and love for my lovely little boy>
<Picks BabyBoy1 up and skips man walks off with him>
<Points at the Cat> 'DaaDee'
Er no… Cat-C-C-at…
<Points at the dishwasher> 'DaaDee'
Er... No...
<Points at the table> 'DaaDee'
<Puts BabyBoy1 down>
<Points at the floor> 'DaaDee'
<Sobs Man growls>

The Cat
The Official Piss Taking Mascot since 2006 - Ten joyous years!

Cat: ‘Meow’ *(‘Feed me, ya giant pink idiot’)
I've feed you already
Cat: ‘Meow’ *(‘Feed me hairless or FEEL MY WRATH’) <Tries tripping me>
You've got food!
Cat: ‘Meow’ *(‘And... if I push juuuuust here. HA!’)’ <Tries tripping me again>
It's there <Points> Look!
Cat: <Trips me>
I'm not feeding you again
Cat: <Trips, claws, attacks stuff, acts mad>
Fine! Whatever! <Is angry>
<Says it meanly> I hope you get fat!
Cat: ‘Meow’ *(‘I would love that! You twonk’)
<Crosses paws>

In line to be Grand Universal Lordette of Michael taking... But will have to wait for the other two to stop their tireless efforts and drop their game...

Miss5: 'I got gold (level achievement) at school today!'
[We all cheer for her, except BabyBoy1, he's just cheering]
<Miss5 starts high fiving everyone>
Boy8: 'YEAH!' <Gets a Miss5 high five>
BabyBoy1: 'AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!' *(‘Congratulations long hair sibling of mine’)
Mrs. Amazing: 'Well done!' <High five turns into high tens, twenties, thirties>
<Miss5 stops when she gets to me>
Come on! Don't leave me hanging! <Is too eager>
<Miss5 presses her index finger on my hanging five>
A high one? Really?

Stupid high ones.

(No word of a lie, this is from the Wiki page on ‘High Five’s and the ‘Too Slow’ variation)
(So utterly love Wiki for stuff like this. Please visit the page for the full brilliance of her 'I was too slow' face. Marvellous)

The Crown Prince of Mickey Taking Land

Boy8: 'Dad?'
'Can I watch a film?'
It's 7am <Said to rhyme with no>
'So?' <Without any hint of sarcasm>
It's saturday morning. You've already spend the first hour of the day watching cartoons
No. No film. No. No. NO
'Star Wars?'
'Empire Strikes back?;
... Er… <Ponders> 
Don’t you try and get round me like that!…  No. No film!
'OK Dad, fair enough' <Leaves looking downcast, but fine really>
[From elsewhere in the house]
Boy8: 'Mum can I watch a movie?'
Mrs. Amazing: ‘Yeah! Movie morning! I'll make popcorn you set it up!!!’
Everyone but me: 'YAYYY!'

Mrs. Amazing
A surprise entry here, to be sure. Team Parents (yay!) are normally as thick as thieves. But much like when I suddenly remember I am out tonight, the night after, the night after and did I mention all the kids need fancy dress for a party on Saturday, theme 'Dodecahedron'.
Mrs. Amazing too has her moments of being Queen of Michael, Mickey and Mike removals. The lovely swine.

[Me at work. Actually Working. Finger not up nose]
[Phone rings]
What the hell is that noise? 
<Stands> When the hell did I get a phone? <Answers> <Sits>
Mrs. Amazing: 'Hi Darling'
Who devil is this?
S'up ma shizzle, ya fizzle rock' ma dizzle? 
Hi Darling. What's up? Need wine?
'I was wondering if... rather than meet you at home after work...'
Yes... <Nods yes at workmate for a cuppa>
'You wouldn't mind popping into my Mum's first?'
Can I not? Sure, no problem... Any reason?
<Mimes WTAF at milky tea workmate delivered> <Rude hand gestures from all parties>
'Well, I'm here with kids, my sister is here, with her kids, and the kids are all happy and playing, and having their tea (supper)'
OK... <Is suspicious> ... if it wou...
Auntie Amazing: 'Can I open the wine?'
Auntie Amazing: 'Has he said yes yet?'
<Sighs and notices there's an hour of work left to go>
<Receives utterly black tea from sarcastic workmate, who sticks out tongue>
<Headache starts> To summarise...
You want me to come to your mothers, and pick you,and the kids, up, straight after work, so you can get whamed have a small tipple with your sister, right now?
... Fine... Husband taxis will be there a-sap
‘Thanks! Love you!’ <Hangs up>
<Carries on talking anyway>
... Happy to help... I love you too...
… You've probably had a hard day too...
… I wasn't feeling knackered that much anyway…
<Carries on working>
<Sobs a little>

(Are you talking to me? 
No? Oh right… <Drives off to Tap Gun class>)