Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

13 March 2016

I Am The Passenger...

We went on holidaybobs recently.
It was brilliant. No I didn't bring you anything.
I am not Sorry.

All five of us went..
The entire Team Parents (yay!), Boy8, Miss5, BabyBoy1, bundled into a car and headed off to Somerset in the very middle of February. The Cat was slung into the cattery. The mad hamster and the possum-playing goldfish entrusted to the neighbours.

This one pretends to be dead <Points at upside down fish>
Please check before flushing... 
<Points at hamster> And this one... does strange stuff
Neighbour: 'Like what?'
Well...  <Hamster starts doing chin ups on cage bars>
<Has no words and just points>

(The very, very, old fish... 'swimming'...)
(seriously he's fine... he likes it)

We left with the tide. Hoping to catch the early winter currents that surround our pleasant land and to make good headway into the vastness of the ocean, that man has named in its fear of his mortality, 'The big wobbly blue bit' at 9am. Ish. All children were filled with breakfast, made to wee before we left and had their water bottles removed and kept under guard.

Miss5: 'Daddy I'm thirsty?'
Try sucking moisture out of the air...
<Ten minutes quiet and some basic science is learnt>

Mrs. Amazing drove.
Which doesn't happen very often. Normally I claim the driving and monopoly over the music as my own. Which isn't very fair as Mrs. Amazing loves driving as much as me. Maybe more. 
She is a bit of dare devil when it comes to engines and the like. She owned a 2CV. Frightening.
Also the driving keys have tended to fall into my hands through, and after, each pregnancy.
Nine years worth.

So I got the passenger seat. 
And I mean got. Not took. I neither let Mrs. Amazing drive nor did I choose not to drive. Mrs. Amazing told me she wanted to drive. I got the passenger seat and with it the the child entertainment hat role. 
And all of the packing overflow. From my own damn packing.
Smeg it.

I sat wedged in.
By a nappy bags, snacks, attention diverting toys, football, phones for guidance, and Team Parents (yay!) secret chocolate stash. Which lasted a pathetic twenty minutes as we were rumbled by BabyBoy1 shouting 'ChocChoc?' from the back. 
Which the other two heard.

The three hour journey was fine.
Despite the lack of chocolate. We didn't even stop. 
BabyBoy1 does what he does brilliantly in the car. He zonked out asleep, within ten minutes of leaving. What a dude. 
Being able to go sleep in a car, when you've the attention span of a, well, baby, is pretty darn handy. Straight into Daddies good books.
Boy8-I-ain't-sleeping-because-I-am-too-cool-for-sleep and Miss5-too-cross-to-sleep did the opposite and made it onto my list. They refused to sleep.
Refused to close their tiny eyes and rest for three hours whilst we did something pretty boring.
Which is annoying in itself as they arrived worn out and a bit grumpy.
But it’s really a million annoying, as anyone of Team Parents (yay!) would have killed for three hours extra kip.
(Another passenger... I feel he had more fun on his journey...)

As passenger my job was many fold.
It looks so easy from the drivers seat. But as I tried to juggle child management, navigation fool, cup of tea passing, sweet smuggler and DJ of the gods. I realised that actually it was pretty tough.
I admit, my child management skills from the front of the car, are not the best. I am normally driving. So I'm more a forward focused kind of animal. Blinkered. 
Much like a Shetland pony big horse in many ways.
It took a few failures, and looks from Mrs. Aamzing, but I was soon turning round to the troops and engaging with them as much as I could. True sometimes Team Parents (yay!) were having a deep 'which bloody way' discussion and the kids had to wait.
And sometimes everyone had to wait for my attention until a certain solo was complete...

Boy8: ‘Dadddd..’
Whoa whoa… Who is playing?
Boy8: <Prays he’s right> ‘Pink Floyd?’
Yes and that means?
Boy8: ‘No talking, interrupting or creating sound in any way at all until it’s over’
Boy8: ‘... Even if it is a fifteen minute solo’
Darn right <Becomes one with the music>

Annoyingly BabyBoy1 totally lost his excellent car form on my shift.
He only managed thirty minutes sleep. So many, many toys had to be passed back to him. And nibbles and drinks, that just got spilt everywhere.
I managed to answer Miss5's many, many questions. 
Many rounds of ‘Eye spy’, ‘Eye colour spy’, ‘Eye rhyme spy’ and ‘Guess what I'm thinking of, no clues, and I will make up an answer as we go along’. 
All great, and classic Miss5 games.

But best of all. 
And most impressive for a three hour journey stuck in a metal box with three loonies and BabyBoy1 I feel, I enjoyed being the zoo keeper looking after my little treasures. 
I rose to the challenge and it was utterly worth it. How has Mrs. Amazing made it look so easy for all this time? I've no idea. 
It's not smegging easy, but it can be really fun.

I didn't even shout at Boy8 once! <Bows> #Winning
Despite him shouting at everyone as he had headphones on...

Boy8... you want an apple?
[A few minutes later and suddenly]
Dude, you're singing out loud again!
Boy8: <Removes headphones> 'What?' <Innocently>
You're singing out loud, again! Please don't or I will have to beat you with those headphones
Boy8: <Pissy voice> 'No I'm not'
<Gives me a look and slowly puts headphones back on defiantly>
<Throws Banana at Boy8>
<Secretly passes sweets to Mrs. Amazing>
<Eats twice as many>

(Yes… But are they big ENOUGH?
‘Yes. Without question or doubt’