Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

27 March 2016

Chocolate Day! Yay!

The Easter decorations are up…

What the smeg? <Points are eggs adorning the fireplace>
Mrs. Amazing: ‘Miss5 decorated… ISN’T IT lovely…’ <Motions towards Miss5>
No, it’s well weird… It’s like we live in a card shop!
<Sees Miss5> I love it! Well done Miss5!
I don’t know how we got by at Easter without decorations before!
<Gives Mrs. Amazing a look>
<Is ignored>

(That ain’t no moon…
‘No… It’s Easter decorations’
Oh… That’s weird…)

I don’t think we need Easter decorations.
My Mum visited earlier in the week and she mocked us for the decorations. The shame.
But it is a bit weird having giant eggs about the place. 
Not terrible, but a bit weird.

Being the traditional man that I am not.
I have followed my Easter tradition of utterly forgetting we need to plan and layout an Easter hunt for each child until the night before. 
Just after I have settled on the sofa for the night, with wine in tummy, Mrs. Amazing asks who's Easter hunt I want to do...

What! For when?
‘For tomorrow’
For tomorrow???
‘Yes! Let’s get cracking!
<Wants to run>
BUCKET! With clogs on… FINE!... Get me a pad...

Team Parents (yay!) do what we do well, we divide and conquer.  
We require a treasure hunt for BabyBoy1, Miss5 and Boy8.
Quite a mix of hunts are required…

He just has to follow something until he finds chocolate. No actual clues are needed yet.
It's more that we want to teach him the positives and joys that can happen to you when are walking, if you just keep smegging going and don’t stop every thirty seconds because you’ve seen the ground. Oh and the very good message of, if you see huge footprints, follow them they may lead to chocolate, not horrific bloody death.
Mrs. Amazing opts to draw out a load of feet for him, and they lead to the washing machine. A classic Easter egg holding place. Why Miss5 and Boy8 don’t check there to start with, who knows!
I do would!

(After a night of Rum, powder and Upsy-D, Iggle Piggle doesn’t tend to rise until lunch...)

Miss5 and Boy8
With Mrs. Amazing doing footprints for BabyBoy1 the role of quiz master, cryptic clue conjurer, the merry piper, Mr. Bunny, falls to me.
By this point in the evening I think it’s fair to say I have been drinking and shouting at the tele.
I grab a notepad and think of devious and fiendish clues for Boy8 and Miss5 to solve.
Obviously Miss5’s need to be pretty simple, as she needs to be able to read them as well. She is only five. And we want the eggs found within ten, maybe eleven, if musties, minutes.
Boy8’s though can be a lot harder. And I want him to think and yes, suffer a little for his chocolate this year.
Ahahahhahahhahaaaaa… <Whips cape about like a twat cooly>

I write eight clues each and sanity check them with Mrs. Amazing.
She is polite and only shoots down the worst ones...

[Miss5’s first clue]
“The fish tank!”
Mrs. Amazing: ‘Isn’t the fish dead?’
Yes… finally… (He has been playing possum for ages)
‘Did you turn the pump off?’
Of course I did… the fish is dead… cha...
‘I’m not sure a dead fish... at the bottom of a fish tank is the best start to an Easter hunt’
Put it in the fish’s mouth
Hmmmmm…. I think you may be right…

[Miss5’s another clue]
“The tigger chair!”
‘The what? Which one?’
That one <Points at the nearest chair> the tigger chair
‘That’s a pooh chair’
Is it? Ok then... Pooh chair!
‘I’m not sure I’d associate that particularly with Pooh though, it’s just a logo on a cushion... that we lost ages back’
FINE! Whatever!
Change it to “Small chair”
<Get’s another bottle>
<Shouts at tele more>

[Boy8’s clue]
“Chop up a pig (cold)!”
‘What the?’
The fridge, sliced ham in the fridge!
‘Oh…. That’s a bit… choppy… ikky’ <Does choppy action>
I suppose… <Is disappointed>
How about slices of pig… No… That’s not much better is it
<Shakes head>
I’ll just put bollocks

And then, my very own personal tradition that has occurred since Team Parents (yay!) first got it on met, occurs.
I utterly, utterly, fail to be able to set up Easter clues without getting very confused about which clue goes where. 
I tend to end up with no clues for the start. Or a gap somewhere in the clue chain. Or two in one place. Or I make really detailed and foolproof notes, and then end up next to the fridge wondering if the clue in my left hand goes inside the fridge, or outside of the fridge, but then find a clue already in the fridge. It’s my idea of hell.
Not sure why though, I’m an idiot,  but my brain cannot cope with this extremely simple complex task.
Mrs. Amazing understands my problem and tries to help as much as she can.
She offer to layout the clues.
Which means all I have to do is read my notes, and the numbered clues, and tell her where the next one goes.

I get it wrong a mere twice.
YEAH! <Does heel kicks in the air>
<Lands baldy and limps off>

Happy Chocolate day everyone!

('Are you ever going to eat it?' Nope...)