Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

4 January 2016

Dragged Back to Work...

I dread this day of the year.
The day I have to go back to work.

I have not worked now for many many days and it's been brilliant. 
Christmas holiday is my favourite.
It took a supreme effort from myself not to hide under the covers and claim I had contracted a rare, and definitely not fit for work, illness, that has no visible or testable symptoms again.
No. Like the money maker of the family that I am I whimpered and cried until Mrs. Amazing made me get up I leapt out of bed and switched into work gear. Dusted off those long term memories and thoughts I had put on pause at the start of Christmas. 
Tried to remember my password...
Where I worked. Who I worked for... What I do...

Boss: ... So I hope you've had a lovely Christmas and are now keen to get back to work!
<Looks blank>
Boss: Well...
I suppose that if I had staff, then that would be how I would greet them back from Christmas 
<Adds> Nice speech <Smiles>
Boss: That is exactly what I am doing. Now.
Oh no there must be some confusion... I don't work here
Mrs. Amazing said I should come here, today, at this time, for something really important
Do you know what that might be?... She didn't say...
<Has sinking feeling>
Boss: <Frowns> You remember where you are don't you?
<Looks about>
... No
Boss: You remember this is your desk?
<Looks at pictures of family>
Nooooo... But that helps explain why you have pictures of my family here
<Un-flicks knife in pocket>
Boss: Do you remember what we pay you do?
Is it Lego based?
Boss: No
Chocolate testing?
Boss: No
Isn't it? Really?
Boss: No
Damn... Pie tester?
Boss: No. Just get to work. Every year it's the same with you
<Boss leaves muttering>
<Calls out> You sure it's not pie? 
I like pie? 
I definitely could do lots of pie work, if you want???...
<Looks about office>
<Is greeted by smiling colleagues>

I love Christmas holidays and I save my holiday to make the most it.
All the kids are at home, Mrs. Amazing is home, and the house is full of new toys, cheese, booze, pies and chocolates.
Hell I even love the fairy lights. It makes it feel like there's magic everywhere.
Team Parents (yay!) have weaved their magic for each child and they got… er... enough... let's say, of what they wanted from Santa and as magically as we could manage.

Boy8: What's this?
Argos voucher! Merry Christmas!
It's from both of us!!!
Boy8: It says £1
You are welcome... I mean HO HO HO HO!
<Strokes white beard>

(Right... Are we leaving the hall lights up?)

Yeah I know some people prefer the summer as you can get outside and do stuff.
Being stuck inside on a cold, rainy, winter day with three children is definitely some people's idea of hell. But not me.
Stuck inside with my motley crew is what I choose. I have loved being at home with my family over Christmas. 
Frankly my little monkeys are fun and I like being involved and present in their lives.

Some people love their work and I am very happy for them.
I am. Happy-happy-hap-hap-happy. <Waves flag>
I know some parents look forward to getting back to work, shaking off family life, and getting on with some really adult and grown up stuff.
It's true I've met them. They exist. They're weird.

For me work is never my first choice.
It's fine. My work is fine. There's lots nothing incredibly wrong with it. It's fine. (Yes saying fine three times a row really proves my point).
There's cake sometimes at work. The tea rounds are excellent. I cannot shouldn't complain.
But there are key four things missing from work that would make it brilliant: Mrs. Amazing, Boy8, Miss4 and BabyBoy1. (In your face Cat).

Boy8 has gone back to school.
As he should, and needs to. It was nice to see him back in school uniform. He looks smart in it, even with his t-shirt hanging out, jumper around his waist, scuffed up shoes, combed but still messy hair.
We did expect him to be a bit reluctant to go back to school. But no not a bit of it. He was super keen. He had his new erasers (rubbers) to show off to his mates. And of course all his mates are at school. ALL his mates.
He's still young enough that school is pretty much a big laugh with your mates, with some teaching thrown in. Which is fun teaching anyway.
Plus how can you tell everyone what you got for Christmas from home? SMS.
Honestly if they served tea I'd be back at school with him...

<Sticks up hand>
Teacher: Yes... You... The very old boy... Again
The answer is 42 sir
Teacher: Yes well done Mr. TalesFromTheDadSide... again
<Opens flask and drinks tea>
<Swears at child to left>
<Falls off tiny chair>

Miss4 has an insect day (yes insect) today.
So she's starts back at school tomorrow. I am sure today she'll be pushed out the door at some point on an insect hunt, which is always a laugh. Yes we could correct her and say it's an inset day, but why would we.
I’ll miss Miss4 a lot. There is no one like her in the entire world (there's a least seventeen Boy8's) anywhere. Even with the grumps.
Her perspective on life so brilliant and fun, it is hard not to want to be in it. She is just fun and crazy at the perfect mix. With a small part banshee thrown in for fun.
No one sits and plays Lego like she does.

As for BabyBoy1.
I have just spend many days in his company day and night. I've got to wake him up, put him down for naps, change his nappies, feed him food, watch him not eat his food, get hit by food. And best of all just sit on the floor and play.
I feel I know him really well at the moment. My ability to understand what his is saying has never been better. And you can only learn these things by being there. Only time with him counts. He is and will always be my cheese thief compadre.
I consider it an honour to have been able to spend so much time with him.
And I can't wait for my next chance.
He's awesome.

I’ll miss the three of them a lot.
I like playing board games and eating chocolate. I like watching Disney films whilst building Lego. I enjoy chasing BabyBoy1 around the room and then bundling him onto the sofa and then being attacked by the other two, with cushions, and then being jumped on until someone gets hurt (me).
I'll even miss Boy8 flicking my arm during every single damn meal time.
Whole days where all you manage to achieve is brushing your teeth, because you're too busy playing. Well they're golden in my book.
And you know what? All that cool stuff?
Frowned on at work.
Yep very frowned on. Swines.

(And when you're finished playing you make patterns with them, of course...)

I'll also deeply miss being with Mrs. Amazing from sun up to sun down.
Who wouldn't? She's amazing.

But fair play.
There are some, a few, perks of being back at work:

1. I’ll be able to rest. 
Those lot are exhausting. Mentally and physically. Racing each other round the house, dancing, leaping like salmon, triple (!) piggy back rides, can wear a fella down. And crush his knees.

2. There's lots of tea. Hot tea.
The tea rounds at work are probably the best in the world, fast and frequent. Which is just how I like it.<Refuses cheap sex joke>

3. I can go to toilet as and when I like. 
I don't have to ensure everyone little is safe and occupied. No one opens the door to ask what I am doing. Or in the case of BabyBoy1 comes wanting to play.

4. My sanity levels will start to increase.
Kids are wonderful but essentially mad evil geniuses nutters. It starts to rub off on you. I took the kids into town and cared not that Boy8 had stamped a red heart on my forehead.

5. There's no laundry at work.
Which is a real bonus. Even if I really, really, reallllllly wanted to do laundry at work. (I bloody don't) I cannot. Shame. Gutted.

6. I can listen to all the music I love that is full of swears and rock and roll references.

But really, these huge perks aside, I know deep down in my heart where I would rather be.
Sat in front of the fire watching a film, starting our nineteenth board game, whilst trying to convince BabyBoy1 to spit out the dice.

(How he get all those in there? ... Where's my phone?)

But don't worry about me. Don't.
I have a special plan that I use to ease me back into work life. Soften the blow as it were.
I am taking a entire Stilton wheel into work.
I am going smuggle BabyBoy1 in and hide in my desk.
Each year at work they give us a chocolate advent calendar. Which is nice. Preaching to the addicted and all that. So when I break up for Christmas I purposely hide it under my desk and don't take it home. I resist it, knowing there's plenty at home. My other advent calendar for starters.
I leave my work one there so that when I am dragged get back to work. There's quite a few doors left unopened...
... And I can just tear into it.
Or...! I can just slowly eat them, slowly, throughout the day.

<9:03 all chocs gone>
<Feels sick>
<Gets out Stilton wheel from bag...>

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