Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).
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9 September 2015

(Nearly) Miss4's First Day At School

It was Miss4’s first day at school on Monday.
Well I say ‘day’, but I really mean hour. But that’s not such a snappy title.

It’s supposed to be her ‘home visit’ the school does. Except they do it at school which is a bit weird I think. Not very homey. But best not to focus on things like that.

I arrived home from work ready with plenty of time to help Mrs. Amazing and BabyBoy1. BabyBoy1has to tag along because he’s little, and because Miss4 wants him there. Safety in numbers I think, and also, pretty sweet.

I did have to convince my boss that I should be allowed to have a bit of time off during the day.

Oh go on!
No
Pwease <begs>
No
I’ll work hard all day
You’re meant to work hard all day
I won’t naff about on my phone all day
You’re not meant to be on your phone at all
I’ll stop using your mug
That’s you?
No...
<Does shifty eyes>
It’s Bob

Anyway he relented and I was free to leave.
Of course I fail to think through the timings, and have to run out of the office like it was Friday afternoon, but I made it home in time.

And there she was. Miss4 dressed in her school uniform. New school shoes, new dress. She looked very cute. I was very proud (still am).

(Don’t be fooled… they have knives in the soles, like in that bond movie: Dr. Knifeshoe)

We get to school and go through the mess hall (I believe it may be called something else in modern parlance, but mess hall seems more apt). It’s pretty messy.
The mess hall is a strange place, it full of tiny people. I feel like a giant amongst midgets and they are all staring at us.

<Whispers> Are my flies undone?
‘Shush‘
I haven’t still got my moose hat on have I?
<Checks>
‘Shush and don’t make eye contact… they look hungry...'
I made eye contact!
<We all run>

(DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE MISS4’S CLASS ROOM IS?)

Each class has a fun and friendly name stuck to the door. We know Miss4 is Wrens. We pass another class rooms labelled ‘Swallows’, I smile at the two ladies inside and refrain from saying the joke in my mind. Best behaviour and all that.

But why Wrens? There are loads of birds in the world. It just seems a bit mean to give these new to school, teeny, illiterate, children a non-phonetic bird name with a silent letter.

Miss4 spell Wren
‘R-E-N’
MehEhhhh! No!
It’s silent W at the start
What? Why? In what reality?
The English reality
<Stands and hums Rule Britannia>
<Mumbles off after first verse, ends up singing American Pie>

I half expect the next class room we pass to be called ‘Mnemonic Gnomes’ but it’s Miss4’s, (W)Rens.
She spots her peg and hangs her cardigan. Team Parent (yay!) secretly eye-high five because Miss4 read her own name. Bugger, no teachers saw.

We meet Miss4’s teacher and T.A. (teaching assistant) and are invited to sit.

Thanks… But where?
<Teacher motions to doll house sized chairs in front of us>
Ha ha good one that’ll be good for my pinky
<Mrs. Amazing sits without fuss>
Oh… you’re serious...

I sit.
Men should not be made to sit on tiny chairs, it’s… well it’s… er… squashed potatoes. Let’s leave it at that. It’s not comfortable.

We park up BabyBoy1 facing us. Mrs. Amazing produces a bottle of milk and three of his favourite books from her sleeves like a magician. How does she do that? It’s like she plans ahead or something. Weirdo.

We all say hi and Miss4 goes off with the T.A. leaving us to answer some questions.
I have a lot of ‘great’ answers to the questions, that I manage to keep in. I am trying to make a good impression for all our sakes. Being hilarious is not what is needed right now:

Can Miss4 dress herself?
Yes but madly, as though colour and pattern mean nothing
She sometimes get tops stuck and then walk into walls, it’s hilarious
Is there anything she doesn't like?
Dog poo
All authority figures
Going to sleep, ever
Not talking
The free ball rule for stump knocking (that may be me)
My stubble
Nothing really... She likes most stuff
<We both smile>
And is there anything she really likes?
Chocolate
Custard
Buttons
Being naked
Talking

We both name books and leave it at that. You want to make a teacher happy, you talk about books. #TopTip

(We have a small collection of books at home most are comics)

Miss4 behaved brilliantly. She was confident enough, but not urgh. The right mix.
She did us proud and was very happy. It was huge relief to us both. Not because we expected her to be bad, but because it’s our little girl and we both want her to be happy, and because sometimes she is like a cat on fire.

BabyBoy1 decides he hasn’t had enough attention and cries out:
‘ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH’
* My book is stuck, can someone be so kind as to help me?

I want to help BabyBoy1, but as I might die getting up out of this match-box sized chair, or become a eunuch. I let Mrs. Amazing sort him out.

Meanwhile Miss4 finds her name badge on the wall, colours something in, and generally is relaxed in her classroom. Good. Boxes all ticked.

We all check out the loos as we leave, I hang about outside girls toilets feeling awkward, like normal.
We leave the school happy, well maybe not BabyBoy1, he probably wondered where the hell he was. But he behaved, so that’s all that counts.

As I walk in the front door and release BabyBoy1 from his mobile cage buggy. It occurs to me I should take a few million more pictures of Miss4 all dressed up, on her first outing to School, looking brilliant.
She's not going to have another first day at school unless she gets expelled.
I turn around, looking for Miss4, hoping to get a few memories digitally frozen.

I am a bit surprised to see her run straight past me, utterly naked, whooping and hollering, free again.
But not that surprised.

Good work Miss4, manage that crazy.


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