Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

19 June 2015

The Kill Order

The kill order has been given.

We, team parents (wooo!), have decided that any spiders found in the house, are to be killed.

Yes I know, we are utter monsters and deserve to burn in the firey, firey, fires of hell for entirety for committing mass spidercide.
And we're sorry. May the spider gods forgive us, I'll sacrifice the cat later to appease them (I won't) (I will).

But on the other hand, we are not sorry at all.

If you would Axel...

In fact we're fine with it because:

a) There are millions of them. In the house. Millions! Spider extinction is not the problem here.

b) I hate walking into spider webs when half asleep. If they would avoid leaving webs between the bed and the kettle, and the microwave, their mortality rates would be so much better.

c) They are tiny and it's easy. (Not a great reason I admit, but if it was tigers I'd probably be building them a little house instead).

d) I hate dusting and spider webs increase the need to dust. (I never actually dust, but dusting-guilt is almost as bad as actually dusting).

e) Picking up a tiny spiders at 4am and taking them safely outside, when BabyBoy1 is screaming, just ain't going to happen. The cat would get in and he's a git to get back out.
<Shows you scratches>

(It’s not dew, it’s Vodka… Shush…)

So sorry house spiders. The line in dust and food across the kitchen floor has been drawn, your time is up, either pay rent or time to get out.
Maybe I should put up a polite sign like the council do.

Dear Spiders,

Sod off.

The squishing humans.

The only real problem is we are being watched constantly, by Babyoy1, Miss4 and Boy7. So we try to be careful with our spidercide. We can't be seen to be purposely killing tiny defensive-less little creatures. Don't want to teach them bad stuff.
Far better we do it sneakily so they don't see.

Awww no! I accidentally killed that spider with the broom. 
Why god why! 
<Shakes fist>
'It's still moving'
Is it? <bang bang, bang>
'Yeah... it's dead now'
Nooo! Why god, why? <Shakes fist>

It may not seem a big issue but will Miss4 really understand the difference between squishing a spider or a hedgehog? Or even the cat? (crosses fingers).#
So we try our best to be responsible spider murderers. If questioned we will admit what we are doing. But it is not to be fun or entertainment at any level. Squish. Done. Very matter of fact.

However... It's not the same with Ants though. Squishing ants is fine.

We have too many ants in the garden. Some ants are cool. Crazy little fellas doing there ant busy stuff. Cool. But at present they are gaining a metre of territory daily and are starting to take over. What we really need is more spiders to eat them... Ohhh... <Learns nothing>

There is no need for a 'Kill Order' with Ants though, unlike spiders, it's a gibbon. Ants are always on the kill list. Just like flies.

Our methods of dispatching Ants are the same as everybody else's: Gruesome and medieval.
Hell we even show the kids what we are doing and why.

Example 1: Boiling water with Boy7

'What are you doing with the kettle outside?'
<necks tea>
I am going to pour boiling water on this ant nest. Wanna watch?
<Pours scalding water onto the huge, unsuspecting, colony of ants>
'Oooooo... gross... Do it again…
'Look there's larva, that's a baby ant... floating away…
'Ewww... Do it again'
<high fives all round>

Example 2: Stomping with Miss4

'Can I stomp on the ants?'
Yes. Yes you can. I'll help you!
<Dance off ensues>
<Someone other than me wins> (Damn it).

Example 3: Squishing by hand with Boy7

How long have you been doing that?
'An hour, two... Why?'
You realise you are cackling out loud?
Squish. Squish. Squish.
<Boy7 cackles>
Hmmm.... <Edges away... concerned>

Yesterday I found Miss4, with a flip (could have been a flop) on her hand hunting a teeny, tiny, spider in the tiddly (utility) room.

What are you doing?
'I'm going to squish the spider'
But it's only a little one... I'm not sure about this... You shouldn't really...
WHAM <Squish>.
She walks back to her seat proud as punch.
I reluctantly high five her, unsure of what message we are teaching this little girl.

(Weapons of Spider-Destruction. Favoured by 4 year old girls)

Bit of a weird message we sent the kids then...

All living things are precious, you mustn't kill them.
(Except for ants and flies, and sometimes spiders).

... Seems fair...

But I'm glad I'm not a spider... Or an ant, or a fly...