Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).
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20 July 2015

If You're Going to Start Leaving on Time...

'If you're going to start leaving on time, you need to warn me...'

That's what Mrs. Amazing just said to me 
<bang> My Mind!
She wasn't even taking the piss.

She was a bit panicked because I had just declared that I was leaving for work (with the normal flames, trumpets and dancing girls that accompany my announcements). And Mrs. Amazing's concern was that, as I was leaving early she still had BabyBoy1 to get ready, Miss4 who was in a particularly fighty mood, and Boy8, recently recovered from illness, now behaving like an utter arse boy full of pent up energy and nerves, ready for school.


And there's me sodding off 15 mins early, coat on, Spider-man lunch box under my arm, bat socks on, R2-D2 beanie on head, ready for work.


(I like to look as professional as I am)

'I'm not ready!'

She adds passing BabyBoy1 back to me, then running off to brush her teeth, apply make-up and generally achieve the impossible of making herself more beautiful.
(+1 Brownie point)
(-1 Brownie points for being cheesy)
(-1 Brownie points for still not understanding the brownie point system)
(Damn it)

I accept my on-time leaving isn't going to happen and start throwing children into the car.
Make sure you tuck your arms and legs in!!!
<Throws child>
Sorry... My bad...Strong wind today!

But what Mrs. Amazing said kept rattling around in Brainzilla. Like a pea in a bucket.
'If you're going to start leaving on time, you need to warn me...'

Er... If? IF I am going to start leaving on time?
HOW VERY DARE YOU!!!
I'll have you know that... that, that last week...
<Thinks>
... at least twice... then there was that time last year...

She has a point. Getting to work on time is not something I am good at. I once was 15 mins late to a laundrette job and I only lived across the road, 2 mins away.
However, I'm never late when we go to the ice cream shop, or the toy shop, or the pub.
I'm normally early for the pub and early nights, I'm first there (oh grow up).
But fair point to Mrs. Amazing. 
Me leaving on time could be considered surprising. Still... bit cheeky.

However, my personal indignation aside, what Mrs. Amazing said shows that something has changed in our lives that my crystal ball failed to mention.
<Smash opps!>
We have become crap with time.
KER-RAP.

Example 1:
'If you are going to start leaving on time...'
I should always leave on time. That is the time I should be leaving, it is when I should be shoved out of the door. Every day without fail.
We both know what time that is, we both know it is not flexible, so why the hell can't we do it?
That's just weird.

Example 2:
Boy8's clock is generally anywhere between 5 and 30 mins fast, because he loves to wake up as early as possible (OH GOD WHY! PLEASE STOP IT!).
Wake up time is 6:30. Yet that seems to be too late for him. He tries to cheat and puts his clock forward. Which means we have this great fun conversation:

Piss off Go away Boy8, it's only 6 am in the clucking morning.
'My clock says it's 6:30'
Let me see...

I trudge through the house to his room. We see, it is.
I walk all the way back to get my phone which is off.
I can't turn on the tele as that would wake Mrs. Amazing (who isn't just pretending to be fast asleep, she's gone for pretending to be dead and is has covered herself entirely with the covers).
We wait while my phone boots up... 

He smiles at me. 


I do not smile back.


<Beep>  
Phone is alive and the time on my clock clearly says 6:05.
I show him and then push him back to bed.
I trudge back to bed. Now fully awake. Arse.
Might as well go play Lego with him.
Miss4 joins me.

(That’s weird… I get all red and cross when it’s NOT OK to wake!)

Example 3:

Not one clock in the house says the same time. Not one and we have lots.
It is utterly possible to time travel in our house.
Kitchen to Sitting Room <KABOOM> You gain 10 mins
Toilet to Bedroom <KABOOM> This small walk seems to take 6 minutes(!)
A full lap of the house <KABOOM> can take 47 mins is you go clockwise, or <KABOOM> -34 mins if you go anti-clockwise.
(I don't care if that doesn't make sense chronically) (+1 big word point).

Example 4:
It has become impossible to be on time. And we really, really, try to be.
Despite all our best efforts we, as a family, are late when we go places.
Be there at 3?
Sure, no problem, we'll even leave early.

Except it never works.
Because someone needs: 
a poo, a wee, shoes on, shoes off, had a huge paddy over their shoes being on, their mobile, my mobile, milk, heated milk, spare clothes, the one sheet of paper I was fricking taking somewhere, a jumper/hat/sunglasses/goggles, music that doesn't suck, music that the kids like, music that isn't full of swears, music that IS full of swears, a teddy, all the flipping teddies, my teddy, the cat was in the car, the cat was supposed to be in the car we’re going to the vets, the baby, nappy bag, nappy bag with nappies in... It goes on.

See KER-RAP!


So please forgive us if we are late and it affects your life. However we don’t really have the time to give a crap what you think, and we probably won't apologise, coz we’re busy. Just be glad we all made in one piece, alive .


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