Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).
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1 June 2015

How To Mess Up the Internet Shop...

My last internet food shop did not go well. It has been entered into the history books as fail. Black mark and all that.

To me the main point of an internet shop is that you don’t have to go to the shops. Yet we did (Mrs. Amazing did). We had to go to the shops to get all the things I forgot.
As I said, a fail.

Comedy internet shopping mistakes do not count as a fail
14 tonnes of ginger root - Ha ha Chinese tonight then.
A thimble of vegetable oil - Do you want to fry an egg now, or wait for a special night?
Frozen meat so large it that needs a walk in freezer - Bring on the meat sweats!
Ketchup the size of a horse - Good, saves recycling.


(This should be enough for Boy7 for the week)

No, sadly, none of those brilliant mistakes. The key things I forgot were: milk, bread, potatoes and chocolate, and worse, the nappies were too small for little Mr. Big butt.

The Royal Flush of shopping failure if you will.

However it's a week later and I am damn well going to get this right. I'm at home, I'm mobile with my mobile checking cupboards. I can do this.


Key things I must get:
a) Wet wipes (because poo is sticky)
b) Nappies (size 4+) NOTE +, 4's are not acceptable!
c) Milk powder
d) Food for 5 for a week. (Must include veg and fruit, not just pie).
e) Remember we have a cat! Food for 6.


And as normal spend as little as humanly possible. EASY!

I have decided to award myself points based on how well or badly things went.


+1 point: Did the shop, we have food!
Yeah we do.

-1 point: Spent too much, wayyyyy too much
I like to stock up…  in case… er… Zombie apocalypse.

-3 point: Delivery arrives during the bedtime madness
This isn't my fault, there wasn't any other delivery slots. Still I have to leave Mrs. Amazing to put to sleep: grumpy BabyBoy, Miss4 who has decided sleep is not for her, and Boy7 wired and emotional (yay!) - All on her own.
Best make that -3.

-1 point: Engage the pimply delivery boy in conversation and use the phrase 'When I was young...'.
Good work Granddad. Ya tit.

+1 point: I discuss and make informed comments about the lack of bread
What do you mean there's no bread?
'Sorry mate, I don't pack it'
You've run out of bread? In that huge superstore there isn't a single loaf of bread, anywhere? White? brown? Nothing? Do people know there's a shortage? What on earth has happened? Should I call Hovis?
'Computer picks it’
<whispers: stupid computer>

+1 point: I discuss and make reasonable decision on Milk powder substitution like the adult I am
This isn’t Milk powder? This is a liquid!
'Yes, 1kg powder substituted with 900mg of ready made formula'
What? How can you swap a powder for a liquid? Would you do this with Whiskey? No.
I reject this substitution. 
<does sweeping end of story arm gesture>

-1 point: For 'saying I reject this substitution' in a overly excessive and probably twatty way
Harsh but fair.

+1 point: For thinking like Mrs. Amazing about the Milk powder.
We MUST have milk for BabyBoy. Its chemical state does not matter.
I explain to the delivery boy that I am checking the cupboards to make sure we have enough powder to get by. He doesn't care, I wouldn't, he doesn't have kids, he doesn't know what hungry babies are like. Shit! - We are low on powder!
I rescind my previous rejection of your substitution!
'OK'

-1 point: For using the word rescind when it wasn't necessary


+1 point: For thinking like Mrs. Amazing about the cost of stuff
Hang on! I normally wouldn't buy this milk liquid as it goes off too quickly and it costs too much per globule.
'Tell you what... I'll refund you on the eggs'
What?
Seriously... What now?
Is this a sting (I bloody hope so, I love that film)?
'I'll refund the eggs, say they got crushed, that way the milk is free, no problems'
I love you.
'Pardon?'
Brilliant! That's so helpful and brilliant and great and you are fantastic!

+5 points: For getting free stuff
#Winning Slam dunk. Yeah yeah! Boom POW. Free stuff. (resists urge to pull t-shirt over head).

-1 point: For ignoring the Karma alarm bell going off in my head
I've just cheated the universe and now I must pay. Damn it.

My time with pimply boy has ended and he gets ready to go.
'Everything else OK?'
HELLS YEAH (I have lost all focus as am too happy about free stuff). Marvellous! That's great (I fail to check anything else at all) (free stuff!).
I sign and he goes. I wanted to high five him to be honest. Glad I didn't.

I can hear screams from upstairs and Boy7 gets a warning.
I throw the cat out of the kitchen and shut the door, so he doesn't eat the food and go upstairs to check my allocated child is asleep - Miss4. Bonza! she is.

I KNOW! I'll go back downstairs and put everything away! Genius.
Then I can reveal in the glory of a shop done well. Or do I leave it out so Mrs. Amazing can reveal too? Hmmm... Put stuff... away!

Smugly smiling as I put things away, a few issues come up.


-1 point: We already have 21 fruit juice cartons
I bought 12 more. Smeg. Boy7 only uses 4 a week. Juice anyone?

-1 point: We have enough weird chicken bits
I bought another box. The entire bottom shelf of the freezer is now only chicken bits, plus it is impossible to open as someone (me) jammed the last box in.

-1 point: We already have plenty of Custard
I bloody knew that as well. Why Brainzilla, why? WTAF?

Still these are minor things, as long as I got the key items. I have succeeded.
Mrs. Amazing joins me downstairs (apparently Miss4 was pretending to be asleep).
She reads the shopping receipt to find out what has been delivered. Which is better than her asking me and then being appalled as I recall nothing.
She has a few questions.

‘Bread?’
Nope, and not my fault. World shortage.
‘Meat?’
Nope. This is going badly...
‘Wet wipes?’
Yes! I may have got Super Extra Sensitive wet wipes with go faster stripes. But they are wet and they wipe.
‘Milk powder?’
I explain the awesome free stuff with the eggs. Soooo badly, I have to explain it again.
‘Nappies?
YES!
My eye lands on the two huge nappies (stocking up) packets I've brought. 156 lovely nappies. It says size 4.
I panic and reach for the packet. In my haste I knock the eggs onto the floor and they break (Damn you karma).
I read the nappy packet desperate to find out why I've got 4’s when I ordered definitely, definitely ordered 4+’s…

… actually ... Now I think about it… I couldn't find 4+’s… I did find 4 Large instead…
The LARGE packet of nappies in my hands gives me my answer and a horrible sinking feeling washes over me. 4’s again.

‘Oh and we don’t need Milk powder any more, he’s too big for it’
I hate you Karma.

We need to go back the shops don’t we? 
Mrs. Amazing nods.
#Fail
Omelette for dinner?


(Would make a bad shelly omelette)


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