Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

21 May 2015

School assembly: 'Are Shadows Alive?... (Bloody no)

What is wrong with me? 
All I had to do was sit there, enjoy watching my child and his mates entertain us, make small talk, and wait. 
Brainzilla was not required.
I just had to enjoy the school assembly and not do anything on this list:

a) Mock and or insult anyone I find deadly dull. All age ranges.

b) Point and laugh at the expensive of a child falling or acting like a twat (the child), then realise I am talking to the parent.

c) Call someone's child by the wrong name:
Ah and this must little Bernard?
'No...' I get the look of disgust, '... This is Daisy,'
<I decide to dive head first into the gaping hole before me>
You should probably shave her then, the beard is confusing...
<leaves quickly>

d) Don't spend 15 minutes obsessing over the, not important at all, why would anyone care, assembly title they are showing on the OHP (fine... 'Projectorrrrrr' <raspberry>).

(It did say ‘Are’ at the top… The world moved as I took the photo)

The question on the screen starts seeping into my head…

'Are Shadows Alive?' the screen asks me.

I have to answer. 
I'm like that. In my head though, don’t worry, not out loud. I'm not a total weirdo!!!

'Are Shadows Alive?'
And that should be it. Job done. Back to the small talk.

'... and so, then I said...'

'Are Shadows Alive?'
NO. I can draw it out for you if you like, a little sun, a shadow.... Nice.
No is the answer.

'... well that just goes to show you can’t believe a word they say...'
'Are Shadows Alive?'
Nope, nopey nope nope. They wiggle about, come, go, but no. Not alive.

'... I always say that, I do...'

'Are Shadows Alive?'
Of course not, no.

It’s like my eyes are tied to the sodding screen. I can't stop glancing at the screen. No! The screen doing nothing. The screen displaying light that ISN'T moving. NO.
I cannot stop looking at it.  No!
I am a moth!

'Are Shadows Alive?'
Fur Cough, No.
'... well my sister just joined them...'
'Are Shadows Alive?
A sphinxer asks a question?
'Are Shadows Alive?'
Ha ha… Bloody No.
'... he convinced her with his pole...'
'Are Shadows Alive?'
'... I was a bit surprised...'
Titing no, you smug bastard.
'Are Shadows Alive?'
'... do you think that was wrong? ...'

Ah, now that, that last one, I said out loud.

Unsure of what I have just said 'No' to, I turn to face the poor soul, holding the tiny straw, sat next to me. Mrs. Amazing is on my other side wrestling BabyBoy for silence, for safety, for her very sanity. It's 50-50 so far. (£10 on the boy).

The poor soul looks surprised at my answer.
'You don't think that was wrong?'
It occurs to me I haven’t seen her husband today? Or her sister? Is that red paint on her hands, or something else?
What have I just said 'No' to? Has a serial killer just opened up to me and confessed all, but I missed it because I was too busy talking back to a static screen! No, no no git face!

I start to edge my chair away from this probable psycho. Hard to do in a tiny chair, in the middle of rows of people. But I'm sure I pulled it off subtly. 

'... well, I think he'll be a brilliant prime minister, I'm still going to vote for Cameron.'

Thank God! Not a serial killer, a Cameron supporter.

I consider telling Mrs. Amazing we have to leave immediately, there's an utter lunatic sat next to me. When the assembly starts.

With enormous joy the message on the screen change is removed. 

'Are Shadows real?' the screen now says.
Damn me.

Brainzilla? Did you give yourself a girls name? 
Brainzilla: No <does shifty eyes>