Crawling... Again?

Well that was weird.

I'm entirely sure how I ended up doing that.

My knees hurt. Fool.

During the normal morning madness.

Mrs. Amazing was busy convincing Miss5, that clothes are actually, very much, an requirement for school, and the UK at the start of march. (It even crap snowed today) (Crap snow is snow that doesn't settle).

Miss5 was slowly relenting and had even consented to having her crazy mane de-tangled.

(If you don’t hear from me every five minutes, start wafting pie smell after me…)

Boy8 was busy getting ready.

Not for school. Oh no. Nothing that obv. 

Why would he get ready for school on a school day through his own free will?

<Screams into cushion>

Despite all of us rushing about to get to work and / or school on time. Boy8 was getting ready for his mate who was coming for tea tonight. He was laying out his toys ready. They were going to have a Nerf war.

Which basically means Boy8 was laying out guns. On his bed.

I had mixed feelings about it.

On the one hand I totally understood his need to prepare and lay out his toys ready for his mate. I put beers in the fridge when a mate is coming round, find the Yahtzee dice, make sure everyone else is either asleep or going out... 

But on the second hand I wasn't too happy that BabyBoy1 was with Boy8 and lots of cocked Nerf guns. BabyBoy1 doesn't understand the danger of guns on any level. 

In an almost comic style BabyBoy1 was inspecting each gun backwards, looking into the barrel.

Boy8 pointed out they weren't loaded. 

Which they were not. I checked.

I said that was good, but it would be better if he didn't cock them either.

He disagreed for the last time.

And on the third, mutated weird ass, hand.

Boy8 was still hanging about in his tiger onesie, miles behind the rest of us getting ready to leave.

As I said mixed feelings: Sort of anger, amazement, murderous rage, fear and a slight tinge of gassiness. But that was probably the pint of sweets I had the night before.

All those feelings mixed together. JOY!

But I was cool. HEY! 

I made my point about the cocking of guns in a mature and grown up fashion.

Dude don't cock the guns, it ain't cool

Boy8: ‘Is’

It is not (ZING!)

‘Is’

Is not times infinity, not come backs, infinity add one, you can't talk until someone says your name, cross your pants, you need the loo, opps you've done a poo (BOOMPOW!)

<Knows he has been beaten> ‘Fine’

<Does victory dance>

(Next time... I'll just show him my mug...)

I played it cool.

Rather than nag or whip cajole Boy8 to get ready. I just left him to it.

He had thirty mins. He had time. Me shouting at him, was just going to annoy me.

I KNOW I am starting to think he likes winding me up.

So me and BabyBoy1 left the armoury Boy8’s room and headed downstairs.

For some reason we started playing with a bouncy ball in the kitchen. Fun mainly.

Looking back it seems a strange choice of toy as BabyBoy1 has just started throwing toys in anger, and for attention. So I doubt my choice of game went down to well in the Mrs. Amazing camp, as she spends most of the day in his delightful company. Whoops.

I fished a bouncy ball out a classic Miss5 treasure bag. There's always one within two metre radius, anywhere in the house.

You just have to know what to look for. A bag of crap.

The weird bit was that BabyBoy1 crawled after the ball.

He's been walking for a while now. So why would he crawl?

He's way faster on foot. Maybe he had just fallen into a crawl and remembered an old skill he had and just on whim thought it would be a laugh.

Then when I started crawling behind, and we giggled, I perpetuated it, and he couldn't stop as it became part of the game.

I like to think it was that, as we had great fun chasing that ball about, in a few stolen morning moments together.

It was nice.

Because if it's not that.

If it’s not by accident lie reason, the it’s pretty likely that BabyBoy1 saw just how much crawling was hurting my knees and he thought it was funny. And that he was faster than me at it.

Hmmm…

<Makes note next to BabyBoy1’s name> Possible sadist…fast crawler...

Boy8 was ready for school on time. He can sleep inside some more! 

Ignoring his glacial slowness this morning was a good move by me, a rare splodge of wisdom, on my part. It saved a fight.

It was bloody hard not to order him about and tell him he was being a fool.

But I'm glad I refrained.

Of course it was only after I had dropped off Miss5 at school that I noticed my knees and the bottom half of my jeans were covered in breakfast food, and general muck from the crawling.

I like to make a good impression.
<Makes note next to own name> Could possibly sweep more… appearance issues...

(My note book... I also write my poems in it...)

Not Being Funny … But What You Said Just Then Was Really Boring...

Boy8 was trying to talk to me.

And I didn't listen.

I am not proud of me.

It doesn't matter how busy I am, how I am feeling, or what level I was just about to complete.

Giving any of the goblins children my time is essential. I have so little when I am not at workington.

It should be a reflex thing.

Boy8: Dad?

<Spins round>

Yes? <Everything in hands flies out from centrifugal effect>

<Knocks over BabyBoy1 as he was too close>

Boy8: Ha ha haaa!!!

Stop doing that <Turns back to very important tower building>

Boy8: Dad!

<Spins round>

Yes! <Wooden block in hand flies out and smacks Boy8 on the noggin>

Hahahaaaaa

When Team Parents (yay!) were looking at schools for Boy8.

A few millenia ago. One of things that I loved about the school he is now at. Was how close the pub was the deputy head, who is now the head.

<Whispers> poison... in the pick and mix

The deputy head was clearly busy, but without fail, no matter what child we passed or saw, not matter what they were doing. This inspirational lady stopped, knew the child's name and listened to what they said.

OVER the adults. Us. HOW DARE SHE!

She stopped us talking, politely, because a child was talking and listened to them first. She still does that as head.

Honestly that impressed me more than anything else we saw.

And they had robot lobsters...

(So kewl! ... and tasty ... Kwasty!)

We did visit another school.

I couldn't help think that the head was an utter dick. He did the opposite with the kids.

He made the kids wait. He didn't know their names, I'm sure he guessed at a few as well.

Dick-head: 'Twatface?'

Child: ‘No’

Dick-head: 'Smell pants?'

Child: ‘No’

You sure?

Dick-head: 'Johnny Snotty-snot Farty Bum Wimple?'

Child: ‘Yes sir?’ <Cries internally>

He probably ran a good school.

As a functional community building, he was probably nailing it. Good for him.

But he made the children wait.

Twonk.

Prioritising kids is not easy to do.

Try doing it with your mates. It's hard to do. Especially down the pub.

Because it's a bit rude isn't it. You are basically saying the child's words are more important than theirs. It doesn't go down well with everyone.

It easy to get wrapped up in our adult world where things (kinda) make sense  so that when a child starts their weird nonsensical talking, it can jar with our grown up thoughts. It's hard and exhausting to switch to another language all the time. 

But... We're adults and whatever we are saying could probably wait.

Unless it's bullet, flying toy, last orders, or they're giving out free Star Wars stuff, related.

‘Dad…’ <Sheepishly paws at ground>

Yep

‘I have something important to tell you’

Is it about your socks?

‘Yes? Yes I am all hairy ears

‘It's hard to say... I've been... I've been worrying about…’

Tannoy: [FREE STAR WARS STUFF! RUN MAN! RUN!]

‘... lately’ <Cough cough>

[Dust cloud appears]

‘Dad? Dad? Are you still here?‘ <Waves arms trying to clear the dust>

‘Where did all this dust come from? I can't see you?’

<Bottom lip wobbles>

(FREEEEEEESTUUUUUFFFFFFFFF!!!!!)

Boy8 tried to talk to me the other morning.

I was making lunches, eating cake, drinking tea, rocking out to music and I'm pretty sure I was trying to pay for something school related on my phone.

In short. I was too wrapped up in whatever I was doing to listen.

Boy8 got cross with me.

Boy8 told me off for not listening. Using his attempt at my voice. It was bloody funny.

Boys had a point.

I hadn't been listening.

I had guessed what he was going to say.

Boy8 had a new plastic collectable toy. Blobs (Whatever...). 1 squid each. And he was very excited about them.

I was not. Which is not really like me. I normally love his toys. 

I’ll play most things, and start collecting them myself.

Just these, Blobs, seemed a bit poor by my standards. I couldn't see the fun.

So I guessed what he was going to say. 

I guessed he was gonna to bore the pants off me about the Blobs.

So I just pretend to listen.

I felt bad.

I still feel a bit bad. It was quite a conscious decision to not listen and just pretend.

I totally didn't get away with it either.

Boy8 stormed off. Chanked right off (annoyed) with me.

Fair play to him.

<Hangs head in shame>

I let him stomp off go.

Then stood there and wondered at what I had just done.

Wondered at what a smegger I had just been.

Wondered at what I needed to do to undo my own icky mess. I realised.

<SIGH>

I went and found him to say sorry, and give him a damn good listening to.

Sorry mate

<Huffily turns away from me>

I am really sorry, I was busy earlier (lie) and didn't listen

But I really want to hear what you have to tell me (true)

I have time to listen now

Please tell what you were going to say

<Huffs a bit more>

Please <Gives him playful arm hits taps>

‘...well… This one is like this, because...’

<I am forgiven>

I am very glad I bothered to undo my mistake.

Boy8 really wanted to tell some stuff. He went on for ages. 

It was really important to him. I have no idea why or how. But it was. To him. Not me.

I listened brilliantly, like a boss, like the best Dad ever undoing his own worst Dad mistake. 

I had to.

Somehow or another, I had pretty much begged him to tell me about his Blobs, so either I had learnt my lesson... or Boy8 is an evil manipulative genius. 

#proud

("Soooo… What’cha wanna do tonight? Board game?")

And truth be told.

Once I started listening for him, instead to what he said .

I really enjoyed it. (lie)

It was even more boring than I could ever have guessed, it was like Chinese water torture, but with words. It was like every 'funny' bit Ant and Dec did this year at the Brits, utter agony…

I barely made it out alive...

Thank You Worst Witch...

Have you read 'The Worst Witch' by Jill Murphy?

I haven't. Not all of it… yet...

But that’s mainly because I grew up in a house full of boys.

Hundreds of them. Everywhere. You couldn't move for boy books (Roy of the Rovers), toy cars, stinky sweaty footyball kits and smells. Everything was very much boy themed (especially the smells).

Not much girl stuff made it into the house. Definitely not stories about young girls attending a witching college and getting into slight scrapes.

But then, that was ages ago, before steam was invented, and PC meant a fuzzpoliceman.

Sorry, Police Officer man.

Mum: ‘Does anyone want this toy kitchen to play with?’ 

<Offers to her boys, more in hope than expectation?>

Me me me!!!! <Raises hand>

<Get's looks and thumping mimes from brothers>

… Actually... On second thoughts...

<Further punching and kicking mimes, throttling, stabbing, elbows etc…  from brothers>

Nope! Changed my mind, don't know what I was thinking...

Let's all go play Footy Ballington… I LOVE IT

Bet I convert more than you lot! <Runs off>

<Rude gestures made behind back, but all go play Football by brothers>

[Years later]

Who wants steak and ale pie?

Bruv1: ‘Me!’

Bruv2: ‘Me! I WANT LOTS’

Bruv3: ‘POUR IT INTO MY MOUTH!!!

Bruv3: ‘IMMEDIATELY!!!’ <Mimes punching and thumping>

No... <Smacks bruv with pie ladle> Sit!

Bruv3: <Sits>

So...

Miss5 was given 'The Worst Witch' for her birthday.

Mrs. Amazing was instantly vocal about it, and started flicking through the pages in joy and with childhood memories bubbling up. It's amazing how a few sheets of paper can do that. 

Even more exciting was knowing that Miss5 was going to be reading it for the first time very soon. I get the same feeling when Boy8 picks up a 'Calvin and Hobbes' or an 'Asterix'. 

#Proud

Mrs. Amazing loves the 'The Worst Witch' books. She loves the film that was made. 

Which makes sense as it's got Tim Curry in it! I KNOW Tim 'Rocky Horror Show' Curry!

Marvellous.

(So Tim… Through the medium of prosthetics… Tell me how you're feeling?)

I, on the other hand…

Was not excited to read it. It looked a bit dullo to me. 

But who cares what a 30Lots man thinks about a book aimed at small people. Elfs.

And really getting Miss5 into chapter books is bloody very important, and Miss5 was dead excited to be reading chapter books.

She was keen as mustard (what a ridiculous saying… ‘very enthusiastic’ it means).

I'm gonna be honest here.

Four or five chapters in... I was pretty bored.

And I was the one reading it out loud. 

Obv. I was my best Monty Python style ladies voices for the teachers. Slipping into panto dame every now and then, due to a bit of a cold.

But after five chapters there had been no near death explosions at all.

Not one serious comeuppance, moral learnt, or face punch in the story.

No lasers. No gross out slugs and potions. No broom races. No one had been turned in a pile of poo and pretty much every seemed get on really. It sucked.

Someone did get turned into a pig I suppose.... But it didn't grip me, I kind of knew she was going to be OK.

And worse, and unforgivingly, there hadn't been a single hint that a huge dragon would be rocking up later and burning stuff, to my delighted squeals.

So far the story had been about a clumsy witch and her mate doing stuff that was a teeny bit magical. But mainly they were just going to school.

I was unimpressed.

Then the other night me and Miss5 got to Chapter six.

I can't tell you what happened in the story that was different to the other chapters, as it all seemed the same to me. I was reading it aloud but didn't notice the change.

Like I say, I am not the target audience. I find it hard to empathise with young girls attending boarding school. With pigtails. And skirts.

But something in the story changed for Miss5.

Suddenly. She was right there, in the story.

She was utterly gripped.

And as the tension in the story grew, Miss5 edged closer to me as I read, and started to lean on me as she listened.

Which was bloody brilliant.

Because if you didn't know…

Whilst Miss5 and Mrs. Amazing are the best huggy, kissy buddies ever, and seem to need three rounds of goodbyes every morning, and every bedtime.

I'm STILL made to sit on the floor for story time.

Apparently I'm too smelly and stubbly to get in under the covers as Mrs. Amazing does.

Which is totally unfair who's scruffy looking, I shave much more often now.

I do get more hugs than I used to from Miss5.

I really do. Our physical relationship is improving.

But, lets say, using chocolate to compare what Mrs. Amazing gets against what I get…

I get a chocolate button...

Whereas Mrs. Amazing gets a Choccywoccydoodah cake....

(And no I don’t have any affiliate links with ChoccyPomPom… I just like eating their cakes).

Still.

Forget all that crap and my heartbreaking, jealous, and failing attempts to win my daughters love that never work. Forget it.

Miss5 leant on me as she was gripped by every single word of the book. Everyone's a winner.

A book I was being utterly un-gripped by.

Apparently the story then got scary as I read. I didn't notice.

But Miss5 suddenly held onto me tight.

Then as the tension went, as the chapter finished, she backed off again.

Again, I didn't notice anything change in the story and by then I was looking for it.

But it was very real for Miss5.

It is clear to me now.

Miss5 is not going to be the same as me. Or like everything I do.

Bonding with her is not going to be as easy as it is, or has been with Boy8.

I am going to have to think about stuff a lot. And from her point of view. Craaap

But I bet you every comic I have 50p a gentleman's wager.

It will be worth it.

<Runs out to buy all the Worst Witch series>

<Runs back and just does it online… It’s easier… Less wolves...>

P.s...

(Mrs. Amazing made me add this, something about first batman loves…)