I Want Some Baddies

Miss4 asked for some baddies for her Lego. She said the same to Mrs. Amazing too.

Why do you want baddies?

All my Lego is lovely <Said as though 'lovely' is a right disappointment>

We are so sorry

I want to play cops and robbers

I don't have any swords or guns

<Looks at ‘lovely’ Lego>

You're right by George!

<Miss4 looks confused>

Who's George?

Miss4 has a very good point. All her Lego is, well, lovely.

It's nice, it's safe, it's trying very hard to be female positive and yet...

It’s seriously missing baddies. She hasn't even got one.

There are bad women in the world. I'm sure there are. Katie Hopkins

They're out there somewhere those evil, mean and nasty women with guns, with swords, with henchmen, sitting in their castles full of cushions and tiny boxes, surrounded by nice smells.

<Shudders>

However I can't think of any female baddies right now off the top of my head... well aside from fictional characters: the Trunchbull, the Goblin Queen, Wicked Witch of the West, Rapunzel's Mum

Where are all the female Lego baddies?

We have this set:

It has this 'lovely' lady in it. By day she sells vegetables and ice cream to other Lego people.

But by night she scoots about town looking for fun with her baguette and bananas. No wonder she look so happy.

I'm not going to get into the Lego for girls argument. A quick glance at the box makes it very clear which sex the manufacturer think should play with it.

Best not to market or tailor Lego to girls or boys. It will annoy parents.

Make Lego for everyone, to build stuff with. Easy.

Oh! and don't call a range of Lego 'Friends' unless you want to be covered in puke constantly, by everyone.

(I hate them all)

Boy8's Lego however, is full of baddies.

There’s Turtles Lego which has Shredder, The Foot and that weird alien brain thing. Star Wars Lego which has Sith lords, battle droids and loads of very cool Storm troopers. (Man I wish had had Lego Star Wars). He also has monsters, pirates, evil and good ninjas. All of these come with guns, lightsabers, nunchucks, and boring swords.

Basically he’s got baddies galore, and they are all boys.

Where’s the evil women?

Miss4 was given £10 the other day so Mrs. Amazing took her shopping to get some baddies.

I felt like I should have gone with her as really 'baddies' and 'Lego' seems more my area.

Then it hit me...

<Bang>

OWWWWW! Who threw that?

<Boy8 sniggers and hides>

Who keeps doing that?

… me claiming that 'Baddies' are more my area is just the same as Lego’s 'lovely' sets aimed at girls.

Damn it. This gender equality non-sexist stuff is hard sometimes.

It’s not as though Mrs. Amazing walks around in bubble wrap in my pocket, she rides in a golden carriage I pull with my teeth. She struts her stuff out in the world just like I do, meeting the loonies and baddies as I do. I bet she handles them better than me too, and greets them with kindness and a smile, rather than my approach of hiding and evil looks as they walk away.

So bad me claiming ‘baddies’.

Mrs. Amazing and Miss4 head off to get Lego and come back with this, and it's almost utterly perfect for Miss4.

(Handcuffs, uniformed men, moustaches, make your own jokes)

Brilliant. A baddie and a copper. Perfect for playing cops and robbers. Happy days.

Of course a female police officer would have been good, and a female thief wouldn't hurt.

Surely there must be at least one female evil Lego character? They can’t all be aspirational and excellent role models, that are smart and work hard?

(All sickly good - Even 'Velma Staplebot', 4th along, top row, volunteers at the local Robot Outreach Centre and makes her own jam)

Where’s all the bitches huh Lego?

Where’s the low down, conniving, lying women?

Where’s the layabout losers?

My daughter wants some baddies!

… and it would probably be good if they weren't all men.

Some men are nice.

<Trips kitten>

<Laughs>

<Gets scratched>

Let Her Go... To School

Miss4 starts school in 3 weeks. 

Miss4’s not ready. She's not. She is still far too tiny and little.

It only takes a little push to knock her over, look:

<Shoves Miss4>

<Miss4 falls over and starts crying>

See! And I'm her Dad, I love her. Other kids are way meaner.

Which is why the first child that makes my daughter cry by being mean and spiteful, I will personally deck. Don't worry I'll be careful, no one will see, I'll make it look like an accident. It'll be fine. I suppose that’s not very Zen or grown up, but it’s hard to fight off my protective nature.

If you see me decking your child, you now know why. I’ll apologise later.

Oh all right… I promise I won’t deck anyone, it’s a bit mean. I’ll just give them evil looks, and then deck them later. 

I am worried though. I'm worried because I know what playgrounds are like (well used to be like). Gangs of 4-5 year old's with their hitting bats, tripping hoops, hand cuffing ropes, roving around in gangs, pretending to play nice.

But the second no one is looking, the heavies will 'introduce' themselves to Miss4.

Boss: 'Not seen your face before...' <Stubs out candy fag>

'It's my first day'

Boss: 'Oh is it? Well we don't like newies here... Ya follow?'

<Miss4 thinks>

'Poo poo!'

Boss: 'Oh dear, dear, dear' <cracks knuckles>

Boss: 'We don't seem to be getting through to you, do we Colin'

Colin: 'No. No, we don't boss, you want I should deal with 'er?'

Boss: 'Yeah... Hoop her!'

'Poo poo! POO POO! PO- '

<Miss4 tears>

(...and these are your classmates)

Argh!!! Why do I do this to myself. What a horrible image.

That's it she's staying home and being home taught. It probably won't affect her that badly, I'm sure Mrs. Amazing would love to spend the next 11 years listening to Miss4 talk all day, every day.

I'll ask her...

<Suggests home-schooling for Miss4>

‘UN-TYPE-ABLE ANSWER’

Well that’s just plain rude...

There really wasn't any need for that kind of language...

… Best Miss4 go to school then.

I hope Miss4 will be tough. I want her to be fierce and strong. I want Miss4 to stand up for herself and if needs be, go down fighting. Or biting. Or scratching. Or screaming Poo-poo.

I want her to stick her middle finger up every time some idiot tells her that girls can't do that or that girls are crap at whatever. I hate that thinking.

I want to hear she nutted some twonk who made her feel bad about her physical presence in some way.

I am going to find it really hard to let Miss4 go and grow up. School is just the start of letting her go. She’s my little princess and I'd rather she didn't grow up quite so fast.

<Weeps>

(We found a fairy at the allotment...)

I didn't feel like this with Boy8. He was off on an adventure on his own and I was excited for him. I knew that he was going to have to find his own way in life and at school. I knew that if I helped too much, I would only hinder him. He needed to establish himself at school, find his own place in the pecking order. I could help and offer advice from the sidelines obv. but it was up to him.

So why is it any different for Miss4? Why don't I feel the same?

Secretly I know the answer…

... It isn't any different.

It's going to be the same for Miss4, but not in any boy way that I know about, in a girl way. Which I don’t really understand or have any experience of (I don’t).

It’s not going to be long until Miss4 is totally immersed in a world I really don’t understand at all. Best I can do is watch and listen, and ask Mrs. Amazing to translate what on earth she is talking about.

Still… There’s still a few things I can teach her that might help:

OK... I’ll show you some basic moves...

Grab here

'Uh huh'

Twist and then step through them

'Yep'

Once they're on the floor, twist here

'Then threaten here?'

Ooo... <Winces>

Yeah that'll work

Talking With My Baby

Me and BabyBoy1 have been chatting.

Well chatting may be stretching it a bit. He only knows one word so far, but I get what he means most of the time. He does good gestures.

(What? Oh... You want two bottles of milk..)

His one word is 'Daddy' 

<Beaming, proud, smile>

Although to be honest it really sounds like DaDee, but I'm claiming it anyway.

He throws in a few Oooooo's and Ahhhh's every now and then, but mainly it's the DaDee.

I feel proud that BabyBoy1's and Miss4's first words were Daddy. I think it shows that I was there, being a Dad. It's like a baby stamp of approval, “Well done, old man, we approve.”

Well I think so anyway.

However....

Recently I was boasting telling a friend about Miss4's and BabyBoy1's first words, and that they were Daddy.

<proud beaming smile>

And there I was, all proud of myself and stuff, when she smiled at me and said:

'Oh! Well I made sure my boys first words were Daddy!'

Which I thought was a bit weird. Until she explained that at ARGHO 'Clock in the morning, she wanted to make sure that both her boys shouted for their Daddy, not their Mummy.

<Proud smile replaced by bottom lip wobble>

How utterly devious and brilliant. 

I can’t even hope of working at that level of genius (bows).

Because it is almost impossible to resist a tiny one calling your name, no matter what time it is. It's also a lot easier to elbow someone else out of the bed, when the little dear is calling their name.

That was clearly a Mummy... He wants you

‘Sounded more like Daddy to me, you go’

<both listen>

‘That was a Daddy!’

Damn it

Anyway, despite BabyBoy1's one word vocabulary and my joy at watching him call everything in the universe Daddy to make me feel special, with just thatone word, that boy sure can say a lot.

Hey dude, how was your day?

'DaDa!' Da da da da da... DA'

Pretty good hey? Good to hear it

'Daaaa'

Your brother and sister been looking after you?

'DA DA DA DA!!! DAAAAAAAaaaaa'

Boy8 stuck straws up his nose and pretended to be a thingy (walrus)...

'DADADADADADA'

.. but, by accident, he snorted milk his nose and started choking...

'daaa'

You were worried about him? He disappeared and you couldn't see him?

'daaaa'

Oh that sounds sad...

'DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'

.. but then he jumped up and did a funny dance, which at first scared the crap out of you...

'DAAAAAAA DAAAAAAA'

.. but then it made you laugh so hard Mummy had to get her camera to film you laughing so hard...

'Dadadadadadadadadadadad'

... she recorded it for me? So I could see later. That was nice of her

'Dada'

Wish I'd been here for that. I love watching you laugh, I'll see it later...

'Oooooooo'

Did Miss4 play with you today?

'Da Da Da Da'

You were playing Duplo with her?

'DADADAAAAD DADADAD oooooo'

But when you climbed over her head, and smashed her tower to teeny, tiny, little pieces, she got cross with you?

'ooooo'

She picked up all the Duplo and took it away, which made you cry?

'oooo'

... then Mummy picked you up and that made you feel better?

<nods>

'Dadee DaDA?'

Where was I? ... At work

'Daaadaa?'

Yeah most days... 5 in 7...

'DA DA DA DADAAAAAA!'

No, we don't build that many towers there...

'DA Ooooo DA?'

... I suppose it can be fun, sometimes, but not normally

I'd rather be here watching you grow up

'oooooo DA!'

You'd rather that too?

'DA DA DA DAAAA' <arms up>

You don't like it when I leave?

<nods>

'DADADADADADADADA'

Why can't I just stay here and play? Well we need money to buy milk and nappies, and chocolate a few other things

'Oo oo oo'

Why have I fallen into the stereotypical patriarchal role? Whereby providing for my family has become a constant and un-winnable race for more, sacrificing once in a lifetime moments with you for material and status gains, as you grow up at so fast I struggle to remember you were ever a baby? And worse still, I'll perpetuate that cycle by teaching you it as well?

You... Blow. My. Mind!!!

<Shakes head>

‘Oooo’

That wasn't what you meant?

<Shoots me a 'Don't be such a twat' look>

'Oo OO oo!'

Oh right... Yeah, I know you like milk

'O! O! O! Dadaa! Dadaa! Dadaa!'

You want a cuddle?

'Daaaaaaaaaaa' <snuggles right into my neck>

I love you too little fella... <ignores snot and drool and just hugs the tiny boy>

'DADADADADA?'

No, no, it's the weekend, I don't have to go anywhere for a while

'DaDee'

I love you too

<Mentally wills tears to retreat back inside>

Now then, that's enough of this Star Trek crap...

Let's go bundle on the sofa...

'DA!'

(... and then pasta came out of Spooks nose! )

Boyish Behaviour

'He's such a boy' says Mrs. Amazing about BabyBoy1.

I pick him up and check.

Yep, that's a boy.

He may be related to a bear or an elephant. But defo a boy. #proud

BabyBoy1 was throwing himself about on my (our) bed. In a boyish way apparently!

Which as far I can tell means either 'with no concern for life or bodily harm' or 'like an idiot' or 'is going grrrrrr or zooooom' or drunk.

Miss4 is sat next to the bed, sorting and resorting her little bag of hair clips. Calmly and quietly. Which is definitely not boyish behaviour.

Boy8 then leaps on the bed with us all and a three way bundle-wrestling match occurs. Me vs Boy8 vs BabyBoy1. Of course I help BabyBoy1 join in so he doesn’t get flattened or broken. Whilst Boy8 does his best to knock me off the bed, so he can laugh about it.

I suppose one day he will achieve it, and I’ll be hurt (both physically and mentally), but being cautious of that, sounds a lot like planning ahead to me. Smeg pants to that!

Go on, try and push me off the bed.

<Boy8 pushes with all his might, I don’t move an inch>

Ha ha haha ha!

As long as he doesn’t grow stronger and bigger, annually, I’ll be fine.

Miss4 wants to join in the bundle-wrestling match, and she does join in. But in her own way. She waits until we are all pretty stationary and then leans against me. More bundle lessons for her needed.

Good times though. Good bundle times.

I note that Mrs. Amazing didn't join in the bundling at all (wuss!) and that she probably has a good point about behaving in a boyish way, it seems.

Despite being only 1, BabyBoy1, is already behaving in a way that could be described as boyish. He understood the main principles of bundling instantly, hurt the others, avoid pain yourself.

(Some ladies love a good bundle/fight)

But how? Odds are high he is copying me and Boy8, who is also copying me (THE PRESSURE!) <buckles>

But then there are two girls in the house too.

BabyBoy1 has two boys to learn from, and two girls. So really he should be 50/50 - able to wrestle whilst sorting hair clips, a valuable skill.

But he isn't. As I watch him bash his head on the bars of the bed, again. He is definitely behaving in a boyish way. Like me and Boy8 he finds hurting himself a bit, pretty bloody funny. And is prone to doing it again and again.

Miss4 didn't do this! She would sit nicely and safely and if she did hurt her head, wouldn't do it again (Weirdo).

Boy8 of course is all about the head bashing.

But how, is it built in? Is it his genes? Does everyone in his life thrust this behaviour on him?

I pick him up and ask him.

Natute? Nurture? Or Environment?

'<face slap>'

Hmmmm Nature?

'<face slap>'

Nurture?

'<face slap>'

En...

'<face slap>'

You're not a product of any outwards influences, genetics, or upbringing? You're your own person with your own destiny and it's more a conscious decision on your part on how to behave, rather than anything I'm trying to attribute it to.

'<thinks>'

'<eye poke>'

Fair enough. Thanks.

So there you have it from the mouth of babes, well my babe.

However... just what the hell is considered Boyish behaviour? Farting, picking your nose, bum jokes? (Can’t be, Miss4 loves all of those). Frankly, I don’t know.

So instead of any real definition of ‘Boyish Behaviour’  I present some things me and Boy8 do that the girls don’t normally join in with.

Liking a challenge / Competitive behaviour

Boy8 loves a good a challenge.

Can you ride your bike around the garden 15 times before the Cricket highlights finish?

'OKAY! OnYourMarksGetSETGO!'

<Smug Dad relaxes into sofa>

'Finished!'

That was quick. Are you sure you did them all?

'Maybe you better watch me?'

Well played Boy8 <golf claps>

Oh he's learning quick <Flicks off tele>

I was at a adult party the other night, true there were 5 kids there, but none of them were mine, so that counts as an adult party.

A board game came out and the two boys there were set the challenge of how many press ups could they do in 30 seconds. After they had finished, someone (me) suggested the men repeat the competition. My winning arms and chest hurt for days after that. Worth it.

Ball love

Boys seems to love their balls. And who would blame them, balls are great. Who doesn't love the feeling of their own ball in their hand, or indeed if you have two, holding your own two balls in your hand. (Oh grow up Mrs. Amazing).

I am talking about round balls, rubber balls, bouncy balls - A spherical object used for play - Not testicles.

In the interest of, and with apologies to, science I conducted a scientific experiment with my kids to see who enjoys balls the most (Mrs. Amazing was not there so stop me, obv).

I throw ball to Boy8.

He throws it back at my head as hard as he can.

DUDE!... <Is shocked>

Great throw!

I throw the ball to BabyBoy1.

He crawls off after it. He tries to eat it, he pushes it along. There is real love there between BabyBoy1 and the ball. I have to fight BabyBoy1 to retrieve the ball and it is hard fought, but I win eventually. #StillGotIt

I throw the ball to Miss4.

She wasn't looking and it hits her in the face. Cross, she grabs the ball and runs off to hide it.

She comes back a few minutes later, tongue out at me, and then sits down where she had been before and continues playing Duplo.

Where'd you put our ball?

<Blows a raspberry at me>

We never did find that ball.

<sniffs>

Dead arm contest

Wanna have a Dead Arm Contest?

'YEAH! What's that?'

We punch each other in the arm as hard as we can!

'COOOL! Me first!'

Oh yeah! good one, I thought my arm was literally going to fall off, it definitely didn't feel like a butterfly had farted on my arm.

My turn… <winds up>

(It became quite a tourist attraction)

We find him some miles away. Unhurt. Bit of a bruise on the arm, and a little bit shocked.

You OK?

'YEAH! My turn!'

Great game.

Miss4? Do you want to play?

<Doesn't dignify question with answer, and leaves room>

Put a peg on your face

'LOOK DAD <winces from peg on nose>'

Brilliant, try this <pegs eyelid and regrets it, but fakes a smile>

'YES! Pass me the peg... OWWWW'

Bravo boy, bravo.

Isn't it hard to breath though?

'Mo mits mot. Moesn't meven murt'

The funny thing is no matter how fun we make this game look Mrs. Amazing and Miss4 refuse to join in. BabyBoy1 is so keen he almost tears the strap off his high chair to join in. But the girls, not so much.

Guess we know who the winners in this game are!

(Clue: It's not the people with pegs on their faces).