Dragged Back to Work...

I dread this day of the year.
The day I have to go back to work.
BOOOOO! HISSSS! BOOOOO!

I have not worked now for many many days and it's been brilliant. 
Christmas holiday is my favourite.

It took a supreme effort from myself not to hide under the covers and claim I had contracted a rare, and definitely not fit for work, illness, that has no visible or testable symptoms again.

No. Like the money maker of the family that I am I whimpered and cried until Mrs. Amazing made me get up I leapt out of bed and switched into work gear. Dusted off those long term memories and thoughts I had put on pause at the start of Christmas. 
Tried to remember my password...
Where I worked. Who I worked for... What I do...

Boss: ... So I hope you've had a lovely Christmas and are now keen to get back to work!

<Looks blank>

Boss: Well...

Er...

Well...
I suppose that if I had staff, then that would be how I would greet them back from Christmas 
<Adds> Nice speech <Smiles>

Boss: That is exactly what I am doing. Now.

Oh no there must be some confusion... I don't work here

Mrs. Amazing said I should come here, today, at this time, for something really important

Do you know what that might be?... She didn't say...
<Has sinking feeling>

Boss: <Frowns> You remember where you are don't you?

<Looks about>

... No

Boss: You remember this is your desk?

<Looks at pictures of family>

Nooooo... But that helps explain why you have pictures of my family here

<Un-flicks knife in pocket>

Boss: Do you remember what we pay you do?

Is it Lego based?

Boss: No

Chocolate testing?

Boss: No

Isn't it? Really?

Boss: No

Damn... Pie tester?

Boss: No. Just get to work. Every year it's the same with you

<Boss leaves muttering>

<Calls out> You sure it's not pie? 
I like pie? 
I definitely could do lots of pie work, if you want???...

<Looks about office>

<Is greeted by smiling colleagues>

...

<Runs>

I love Christmas holidays and I save my holiday to make the most it.

All the kids are at home, Mrs. Amazing is home, and the house is full of new toys, cheese, booze, pies and chocolates.

Hell I even love the fairy lights. It makes it feel like there's magic everywhere.

Team Parents (yay!) have weaved their magic for each child and they got… er... enough... let's say, of what they wanted from Santa and as magically as we could manage.

Boy8: What's this?

Argos voucher! Merry Christmas!

It's from both of us!!!

Boy8: It says £1

You are welcome... I mean HO HO HO HO!

<Strokes white beard>

(Right... Are we leaving the hall lights up?)

Yeah I know some people prefer the summer as you can get outside and do stuff.

Being stuck inside on a cold, rainy, winter day with three children is definitely some people's idea of hell. But not me.

Stuck inside with my motley crew is what I choose. I have loved being at home with my family over Christmas. 
Frankly my little monkeys are fun and I like being involved and present in their lives.

Some people love their work and I am very happy for them.

I am. Happy-happy-hap-hap-happy. <Waves flag>

I know some parents look forward to getting back to work, shaking off family life, and getting on with some really adult and grown up stuff.

It's true I've met them. They exist. They're weird.

For me work is never my first choice.

It's fine. My work is fine. There's lots nothing incredibly wrong with it. It's fine. (Yes saying fine three times a row really proves my point).

There's cake sometimes at work. The tea rounds are excellent. I cannot shouldn't complain.

But there are key four things missing from work that would make it brilliant: Mrs. Amazing, Boy8, Miss4 and BabyBoy1. (In your face Cat).

Boy8 has gone back to school.

As he should, and needs to. It was nice to see him back in school uniform. He looks smart in it, even with his t-shirt hanging out, jumper around his waist, scuffed up shoes, combed but still messy hair.

We did expect him to be a bit reluctant to go back to school. But no not a bit of it. He was super keen. He had his new erasers (rubbers) to show off to his mates. And of course all his mates are at school. ALL his mates.

He's still young enough that school is pretty much a big laugh with your mates, with some teaching thrown in. Which is fun teaching anyway.

Plus how can you tell everyone what you got for Christmas from home? SMS.

Honestly if they served tea I'd be back at school with him...

<Sticks up hand>

Teacher: Yes... You... The very old boy... Again

The answer is 42 sir

Teacher: Yes well done Mr. TalesFromTheDadSide... again

<Opens flask and drinks tea>

<Swears at child to left>

<Falls off tiny chair>

Ow

Miss4 has an insect day (yes insect) today.

So she's starts back at school tomorrow. I am sure today she'll be pushed out the door at some point on an insect hunt, which is always a laugh. Yes we could correct her and say it's an inset day, but why would we.

I’ll miss Miss4 a lot. There is no one like her in the entire world (there's a least seventeen Boy8's) anywhere. Even with the grumps.

Her perspective on life so brilliant and fun, it is hard not to want to be in it. She is just fun and crazy at the perfect mix. With a small part banshee thrown in for fun.

No one sits and plays Lego like she does.

As for BabyBoy1.

I have just spend many days in his company day and night. I've got to wake him up, put him down for naps, change his nappies, feed him food, watch him not eat his food, get hit by food. And best of all just sit on the floor and play.

I feel I know him really well at the moment. My ability to understand what his is saying has never been better. And you can only learn these things by being there. Only time with him counts. He is and will always be my cheese thief compadre.

I consider it an honour to have been able to spend so much time with him.

<Salutes>

And I can't wait for my next chance.

He's awesome.

I’ll miss the three of them a lot.

I like playing board games and eating chocolate. I like watching Disney films whilst building Lego. I enjoy chasing BabyBoy1 around the room and then bundling him onto the sofa and then being attacked by the other two, with cushions, and then being jumped on until someone gets hurt (me).

I'll even miss Boy8 flicking my arm during every single damn meal time.

Whole days where all you manage to achieve is brushing your teeth, because you're too busy playing. Well they're golden in my book.

And you know what? All that cool stuff?

Frowned on at work.

Yep very frowned on. Swines.

(And when you're finished playing you make patterns with them, of course...)

I'll also deeply miss being with Mrs. Amazing from sun up to sun down.

Who wouldn't? She's amazing.

But fair play.

There are some, a few, perks of being back at work:

1. I’ll be able to rest. 
Those lot are exhausting. Mentally and physically. Racing each other round the house, dancing, leaping like salmon, triple (!) piggy back rides, can wear a fella down. And crush his knees.

2. There's lots of tea. Hot tea.

The tea rounds at work are probably the best in the world, fast and frequent. Which is just how I like it.<Refuses cheap sex joke>

3. I can go to toilet as and when I like. 

I don't have to ensure everyone little is safe and occupied. No one opens the door to ask what I am doing. Or in the case of BabyBoy1 comes wanting to play.

4. My sanity levels will start to increase.

Kids are wonderful but essentially mad evil geniuses nutters. It starts to rub off on you. I took the kids into town and cared not that Boy8 had stamped a red heart on my forehead.

5. There's no laundry at work.

Which is a real bonus. Even if I really, really, reallllllly wanted to do laundry at work. (I bloody don't) I cannot. Shame. Gutted.

<Shakes fist at sky> DAMN YOU SALAZAR GEOSPATIAL PHYSICS! WHY!!! 

6. I can listen to all the music I love that is full of swears and rock and roll references.

But really, these huge perks aside, I know deep down in my heart where I would rather be.

Sat in front of the fire watching a film, starting our nineteenth board game, whilst trying to convince BabyBoy1 to spit out the dice.

(How he get all those in there? ... Where's my phone?)

But don't worry about me. Don't.

I have a special plan that I use to ease me back into work life. Soften the blow as it were.
I am taking a entire Stilton wheel into work.
I am going smuggle BabyBoy1 in and hide in my desk.

Each year at work they give us a chocolate advent calendar. Which is nice. Preaching to the addicted and all that. So when I break up for Christmas I purposely hide it under my desk and don't take it home. I resist it, knowing there's plenty at home. My other advent calendar for starters.

I leave my work one there so that when I am dragged get back to work. There's quite a few doors left unopened...
... And I can just tear into it.
Or...! I can just slowly eat them, slowly, throughout the day.
Slowly.

<9:03 all chocs gone>

<Feels sick>
<Gets out Stilton wheel from bag...>

After the Un-Wrapping...

How was your Christmas?

Good? I hope so.

<Hugs you anyway>

Last night was the first night, in probably a week, I went to bed sober.

It’s funny how getting whammed having the odd drinky is totally acceptable at Christmas time. 

And totally awesome as well.

I've also eaten far far far too much cheese.

That’s strange too. In what way does eating more aged dairy products symbolise Christmas? The best kind of way. Who cares! In our cheese world it does. Team Parents (yay!) stocked the fridge up with many lovely different types of cheese and we splurged on crackers. Not just Jacobs crackers as per normal. No no.

We had Jacobs Crackers variety box. Twice. <Drools>

#LivingTheDream

BabyBoy1 loved the extra cheese in the house.

He has been sneaking into the fridge a lot and coming out with cheese. Which is fine really, although I am not totally happy sharing. It's mostly good for him.

He’s also leant that things that look coins, probably have chocolate in them. Which does feel like a choking incident waiting to happen. But hey! it’s Christmas. 

I assume he can tell the difference between coins that bend in his mouth and taste of chocolate, and well, real coins. Real coins that, so far, have no use in his wonderful world.

If only he knew that you could trade normal coins for the chocolate ones.

BabyBoy1 was given a brilliant present.

Auntie-Amazing took a Pinterest idea and made it real. Yes I KNOW! It can be done! 

She actually made something from Pinterest in real life!

She’s magic!

(We all want one... Even the Cat...)

Basically Auntie-Amazing has given BabyBoy1 a Batmobile.

Not a fun little car that looks cute, not the Mickey Mehmeh car, a bloody Batmobile.

He's only one and already has a Batmobile. That's one of my life goals he has already checked off. Brilliant! The jammie smegger.

Without the stickers it would just be a black car. Covered in Bat stickers makes it at least a Millennium Falcon on ‘Awesome-O-Tron’. (Tron is on it about 15th).

Even better though was BabyBoy1’s reaction.

He is only just getting the hang on Christmas, the unwrapping, the bizarre yet brilliant influx of new toys and stuff, the cheese, chocolate for breakfast, constantly drunk parents.

BabyBoy1’s face as he realised the car was his. Just his. For him.

Was amazing...

‘Uh Uh UHHH’ (* ‘That’s AWESOME! WANT!’)

‘CAR CAR CAR UH UHHH UHHH’ (* ‘WANT MINE! Batmobile’)

<Moves towards car>

Dude, it’s yours

<Gives me disbelieving look>

<Opens the door for him>

<Tiny eyes light up>

‘... Mine?’ (* ‘I now claim this as mine, forever… come near... you die!’)

Dude, it’s all yours

<Holds back Boy8 and Miss4 from having a go>

<BabyBoy1 sits in his car grinning>

‘Mine?’ (* ‘Seriously mine? For keeps?’)

<All the adults nod>

<Biggest grin ever from BabyBoy1>

BabyBoy1 sat in his car for the next three hours.

He unwrapped presents in it, he ate in it. He only got out to walk around it, and then climb back in it. He wouldn't let go without some serious force as he was removed to have a nap. When he woke he climbed straight back in.

I think the other children had one or two goes. But BabyBoy1 had to be distracted by something else shinny. And then when he noticed he was straight over, pushing, nicely at least, anyone out of his car.

Great present.

Miss4 got the yellow Lego snowflake she had asked for.

Santa came up trumps. Somehow he managed to track down a single yellow snowflakes for her. I heard rumours he had to get it from a French eBay site at a horrible mark-up, because it's really hard to find just one yellow snowflake, on it's own, at Christmas time. <Grumbles>

Still she loves it. And she is chuffed to bits that Santa found it and brought it just for her. That's gotta be worth any swine eBay mark-up. 

Santa put it in a jewellery box as well, just to make it extra special.

Good work Santa.

Good expensive choice.

(The fireplace I feel adds the required gravitas…)

Santa didn't let Boy8 down either.

Although not quite how Boy8 had thought it would happen. Boy8 had asked for two (yes two) dwarf hamsters from the big fella. FC. Santa. 

So on the day Boy8 unwrapped a brilliant hamster cage, with hamster food, hamster water bottle, hamster wheel, average sawdust. Everything you could want to start looking after your very first hamster. Everything... except an actual hamster.

But don’t fear. You don’t get to be Santa just because Team Parents (yay!) got whammed one night, some eight years. No no.

Santa clearly had thought about it. He had written a letter. A nice letter saying that ONE hamster was probably the way to go, and not the dwarf one’s either.

Santa had done his research as the pet shop people told me the same when I asked too. Funny that. How does Santa find time for all this stuff and research? Probably has a Elf that’s an Hamster expert I reckon.

Yesterday me and Boy8 went and got his hamster.

Santa had also given Boy8 a voucher for the hamster, so there was no messy money situation going on...

Pet Shop Girl: That’ll be £10

Cool…. Hang on…

<Dumps huge handful of change on the table>

<Takes back penknife, memory sticks, lighters, gum and mag-light>

<Sorts though pennies>

I've got £7.43? That enough? <Flutters eye lids>

Pet Shop Girl: Close… But no

Try this card

<Tries card>

Pet Shop Girl: It’s only good for £1.22

Really? OK. Split it on this one as well…

Pet Shop Girl: 25p on that one....

OK OK <Lays out another seven cards>

Please start with the Darth Vader card, then the Samurai Jack card, R2-D2 card ... and end with the Captain Barnacles card here <Points>

<Gets a look from the girl>

<Smiles back and dies a little inside as aware is spoiling magical moment for Boy8>

Pet Shop Girl: Your grand total comes to £9.87… You're still short

Who are you calling short?

Er… Boy8… You got any cash?

REALLY? This is the last time though… You still owe me £3

Yes, yes, all right I'm good for it, don't go on…

<Boy8 pulls out wallet stuffed with notes>

Can you change a £50?

Boy8 is very happy with his hamster.

Team Parents (yay!) can tell. We are his parents and we can read that little boy like a book. Every nuance, every words he says, how he walks, how he holds himself, we have seen him grow from nothing to Boy8 he is. We process and understand his every movement and interpret it's meaning. 

It’s really a special, mystical, magical parent thing.

Oh and he drew this...

(We spend many hours deciphering this… Subtle as it is...)

Then the hamster training began.

We want Boy8 to be able to handle the hamster brilliantly. Of course.

Don’t want him scared of being bitten. I seem to recall being bitten by my hamsters when I was young and not liking it very much. I think I got good enough to be able to handle my hamster. But I am not 100% sure about it. I was probably a bit wussy about it to be honest. But I did have three of the little furry dudes, so I bet I did man up eventually. I didn't.

So I sat down with Boy8, with Miss4 watching, and took our time getting to know the hamster. I read up on how to do it safely. And had received advice from the other lovely lady at the Pet shop.

I was one with the force knowledge.

Boy8 was bitten straight away.

Blood! A proper pin prick on his finger.

I could see in his little gangly eyes that this was a pivotal point in his hamster training and I needed to be strong for him.

It’s fine, don’t worry about it

He’s just getting to know you

MAN UP

It’s still bleeding! <Is close to tears staring at finger>

Yeah it’ll do that, just suck your finger…

Watch me do it...

I got bitten straight away.

Internally I thought OW! And then my but that is bleeding a lot. 

I gave the hamster a bit of a look. But then I noticed something.

The look of tears in Boy8’s eyes had gone. He was laughing at me.

Watching me get bitten, just like he had, was the exact remedy he needed.

It seems that if his Dad (me) can get bitten as well, then it’s nothing he is doing wrong. My similar failure absolved his. I am so glad.

This all occurred to me whilst I sat there sucking my finger and crying.

Boy8 shock off the agonising pain and tried again.

#BloodyProud

But I was even more proud when he got bit again, and he just laughed it off.

He and his hamster are going to get on just fine, I am sure of it.

He’s been bitten, twice!, and is still going back for more.

Hell he'll be fine for love too.

Miss4 however.

Having watched me and Boy8 get bitten thrice (combined), vowed clearly and loudly never to go near the fluffy dude ever. She crossed her heart and everything.

She’s a smart cookie that one.