Ten! Crikey...

Crikey.

Boy9 has metaphorized into Boy10. The mess was terrible.

It feels like a big milestone.

I say again crikey. When did all that fly by?

Of course it's great for Boy10.

He's ten now. Happy double figure days.

The world is his oyster, all that kind of thing...

Boy10: 'Can I drive the car now?'

Nope.

Boy10: 'Can I stay up later?'

Hmmm.... Nope.

Boy10: 'Can I light the fire now'

You already do...

Boy10: 'Oh yeah... Can I come to the pub with you now?'

I think you know the answer I go there to avoid you lot...

Boy10: 'Well then, what can I do now I am ten? '

<Hands Boy10 some laundry and a map to the washing machine>

Enjoy!

Boy10: <Gives me a look>

It also means that I've been Dadding (real word) for a decade.

Crikey! (yes again, I must calm down).

Who'd thought I'd make it this far? Last this long. Manage not to lose them.

<Gets look from Mrs. Amazing>

And I've learnt loads as gone along too. I can change a nappy at a hundred paces in a fair wind. Doesn't matter how awkward the child, how kicky they are (Miss6). I can change it with minimal mess on me and around me.

I also offer two hair styles for long hair. Pig or pony.

And my pancake drawing is going from strength to strength.

Great skills.

(Third attempt lucky and the transfer went well…

They don’t always <Grumbles>)

If I look back at photos of myself.

Before Boy10 rocked into our world and changed us from Team Young and No ties (woohoo!) to Team Parents (yay!).

I don't really recognise the handsome young devil staring back at me. Oh wait that isn't me...

Oh right... that's me... I'm young at least.

I didn't look tired out either. My now constant panda eyes aren't there.

I'm pretty trim too. Where did that young man, with hair to spare, go?

<Looks in mirror>

<Weeps>

<Pulls a face and then licks the mirror>

<Giggles>

It has been amazing though.

Sure there's loads I have had to give up. Lots of sleepless nights. Frustration like you wouldn't believe.

But really if it's out on the scales it's not even close. I’d do it again.

It's been amazing...

Mrs. Amazing: 'Yes?'

No not you... I was saying how amazing it's been watching Boy10 grow up...

Hang on...

Is that my chocolate you're eating?

Mrs. Amazing: <Runs>

Right enough about me.

Here's where I could write a lovely list of all of Boy10's greatest and best features. But that would the vomit police would arrive, rough everyone up and it would be a nightmare.

And no one wants that.

Instead let’s (yes let us) go with the stuff you probably couldn’t guess...

1. Boy10 now sleeps in (Wooohoo!)

Except obv. on his birthday. That day still is a 6:30er, which is fine as the other two herbert's have been up for ages by then.

But mostly Team Parents (yay!) no longer have to fight Boy10 back to bed because he is up too early.

No. Now we have to wake the little sleeping bear. A grumpy bear to boot. That doesn't want to get up, and definitely doesn't want to start getting ready for school.

We have mixed success.

For my part I opt for bouncing him on his bed as hard as I can until he starts giggling.

I doubt I'll be able to get away with this for much longer, but whilst I can...

Here here hold this...

<Puts cup of water in Boy10's hands>

<Bounces the bed a lot>

<Boy10 gets wet>

<Nearly dies laughing>

<Gets a look from Boy10>

<Runs>

2. Boy10 has lost BabyBoy3's trust

Which is a bit sad. But it's true and the only person Boy10 can blame is himself.

He's tricked, stolen, poked, prodded, pinched or ridden off with something of BabyBoy3's too many times.

And BabyBoy3 has gotten wise to him...

BabyBoy3: 'NO! Boy10! Go WAY!'

Boy10: 'I just want to see...'

BabyBoy3: 'NO! GOWAY!'

I know Boy10 doesn't like it either, so hopefully he'll turn it around pretty quick.

<Crosses fingers>

3. If there was a speed Lego construction challenge

Boy10 would win it. He's very good a building Lego models now. He gets out pots to put the bits in, just like his Dad showed him, and then he's off. Nothing can interrupt until he has finished. Well not without a big fight.

Team Parent (yay!) obv. are very proud, but do wish that sometimes he wouldn't go quite so quick with the more pricey Lego we rarely get him.

4. Will argue for twenty minutes for the sake of two minutes more

It's funny and annoying all at the same time. The principal matters to him. Matters a lot.

If Boy10 feels he is getting short changed, even by a few minutes, you better settle in for a good long 'discussion' full of drama and wildly baffling counter arguments.

5. Boy10 is getting better with his emotions

That truck load of emotions that bastard the EmotionFairy delivered last year.

Well to Boy10's credit he is definitely starting to master then all. He breathes when he is cross. He understands what he has done and why it hurt others (Miss6) and he genuinely seems sorry.

Let’s hope no more emotions turn up...

EmotionFairy: 'Hello again!'

NO! GOWAY! GOWAY!

EmotionFairy: 'Hey hey, just doing my job. I've a year-ten delivery here, guile, flattery, sneaking, wet-yourself-funny... Where do you want them?'

<Describes a place>

EmotionFairy: 'There's no need to be rude... Hank! Just drop 'em now...' <Grumbles off>

NOOOOOO!!! <Gets covered in emotions>

<Weep and laughs and feels serene about it>

(Found this in his room the other day…

That’s hella cool!!!

(Despite the fire risk))

6. Boy10 has started beating me at a few games

And I am not letting him win. He is winning.

And proper games too. Grown up games. And old ones, from my childhood, which he loves.

Even with those he is <Gulps> beating me through his own cunning and guile.

I am so proud and furious.

Boy10 isn’t the kindest winner though...

Boy10: ‘I won!’

wooo… <Waves little flag> That’s great mate, well done…

Boy10: ‘Again!’

Uh-huh… Well done…

Boy10: ‘I must be the best at this game, coz you never win!’

…

Have I ever told you about being a gracious winner?

Boy10: ‘YEP! Everytime I win!’

Boy10: <Does winning dance, which has at least ten dabs in it>

<Smiles but internalises anger>

I’ve no idea where he gets behaviour from.

<Whistles off>

7. Boy10 still picks his nose and eats it

I have no problem with nose picking. I would rather not watch it to be honest.

But fingers are exactly the right size for digging into nostrils. And well it’s kind of fun at the same time.

But eating it after? <Vomits onto keyboard>

It really makes cringe, and want to run away, or shove that finger even further up that nose.

Urghghgh…

I’m pretty sure Boy10 knows this.

I’m pretty sure Boy10 does it just to bug me.

I’m pretty sure Boy10 does it as much as possible, to bug me.

Bless ‘im.

8. Boy10 can be the greatest big brother

It was true last year, and it’s still true.

Yes he does wind BabyBoy3 and Miss6 right up sometimes, until there is tears, and screaming and kicking.

And yes that drive me a little mad, as I have to do my ‘Judgment of Solomon’ act, and then smash the sofa in half. Which is costly.

But mostly.

Boy10 is the sweetest big brother both BabyBoy3 and Miss6 could ever want for.

He shares his toys, his time, and he loves them fiercely.

Thank you Boy10 for that. Team Parent (yay!) love that about you.

It’s funny.

Because Boy10 was the start of my Dadding (still real word) and there is a real chance he may end it (me) one day. Probably with me asking to use his knife and fork to eat. Or not pick his nose.

But it is funny to think all that fun and life shifting madness came from one little person.

That just keeps on growing.

(Look at him all grown up and stuff…

Learning stuff in a museum…

We didn’t even have to offer him stickers!

...

<Hands out stickers to Miss6 and BabyBoy3>)

Last year I wrote.

That me and Boy9 were the furthest apart I thought we had ever been.

Emotionally Obv. He lives in my house.

I’m really glad to say (I think) I’ve managed to turn that around and feel our Dad and son bond is alive and kicking once again.

We’ve had a million more laughs this year already.

It was me. I know.

<Will long have regrets about it>

<And will punish self far greater than anyone else can>

Back to being best buds.

(which is lucky as Mrs. Amazing just isn’t into scooting, playing Crick-Ball, watching cartoons, eating sweets until we barf, throwing stuff as high as possible, dead arms fights, flicking for fun, seeing how crashy we can crash cars, rocking out to very loud sensibly volumned music, laughing about farts, bundling, and Minecraft Obv.)

(I never stood a chance

<Is pulled in and consumed by cuteness>)

X

Nine? When the smeg did that happen? NINE?!...

Oh my rubber ducky!

Boy8 has transmogrified into Boy9

It was utterly disgusting. I can't believe it.

That's taken ages flown by.

So... how’s it feel being nine? <Gives Boy9 a friendly arm tap>

Boy9: 'Cool' <Punches me back>

ARGGHHHHHH that's my funny body! That hurt... <Runs>

Mrs. Amazing! He hit me!

Is there anything special, that you've learnt along the way, that you want to share?

Boy9: 'No... Why? Why do I have to share?'

You don't have to... <Powerlessly watches the situation escalate>

Boy9: 'Miss5 isn't sharing anything. Why should I share!!!'

Boy9: 'Argghhh!!!' <Storms off>

Boy9: <Slams door but sound is muffled by the door stop>

Boy9: <Hand reaches back in and moves door stop>

Boy9: <Slams door>

[BANG]

(That’s an upside down pancake 9... Only took three goes…)

As it's your birthday Boy9.

And as everyone should hear nice things on their birthday. I want to say want a brilliant big brother Boy9 is.

What a brilliant big brother Boy9 is.

There, nice. Done that <Dusts off hands>

One of Boy9’s most treasured possessions.

After his rubbers (erasers), a sticker from school, his minecraft books, some lint, his Nerf guns and bullets, and his illicit bluetack collection... Is a picture of himself holding Miss5 on the day she was born. That's hella sweet.

I love him dearly for that. Because it's made our life so much easier.

Oh! Don't think that Boy9 and Miss5 don't fight every chance they get.

Because they do. With vengeance*…

(* actually amount of vengeance varies)

Miss5: 'Stop looking at me!'

Boy9: <Is looking at Miss5> 'I'm not... You're looking at me!'

Miss5: 'Stop looking at MEEEE!'

<Sighs and carries on making sandwiches and ignoring those sods lumps of mud>

Miss5: 'ARHGHGHHHHSTOPITSPOTIT!

Boy9: <Is really looking at Miss5>

Miss5: 'ARHGHGHHH!!!'

<Sighs and weeps a little internally>

<Prepares self to resolve this conflict>

<Eats some of Boy9's sandwich>

<Turns and sees Boy9 and Miss5 locked in mutual staring-contest attack>

Boy9 stop being mean to your sister...

Boy9: 'I'm not' <Carries on staring> 'She started it'

... And Miss5 ignore him and stop staring back

Miss5: '... He's still staring!'

S-IIIIIII-GH <Tries not to explode in ball of anger and stress> <Pop>

That’s it… I’m getting the blindfolds...

Boy9 is just as kind with BabyBoy2 as well.

There is an element of Boy9 using BabyBoy2 as an excuse not to help with jobs, or as a distraction, or as a way to ignore me when I am talking, which drives me mad and makes me want to shove a pillow in his ear.

But only an element.

Well done Boy9 and thank you.

Team Parents (yay!) do not give you enough praise and credit for what you do for your siblings. Bad luck.

But know we love you 1.4% more for it.

<Removes pro-Boy9 hat, puts on quite-middling-about-Boy9 hat>

As per my own made up tradition. Rather than basically puke out a list of everything showy offy about about Boy9. Which I could do.

But won’t.

Here's a list of all the stuff you probably don't know about Boy9.

The stuff that really makes him special...

1. Boy9 still gets up early

OH DEAR BACON! What the smeg is wrong with him?

Seriously. Can't he see how tired I am? We are? Isn't he supposed to copy what I do?

Take his lead from his Dad?

I sleep as much as possible, especially in the mornings. Why can't Boy9 copy that?

Everyday, just as the mean ol' sun has jumped into the sky and those rotten birds start screaming ‘Sex! You want sex? Come get sex!’ or whatever they are singing about (it’s sex trust me, and the Cat’s exact location), there's Boy9 wide awake stood next to our bed.

Full of grump energy, bouncing about, happy to start yet another day.

Happy to be alive and ready to embrace the day.

Who on earth has he inherited that from?

[10 years B.C. (Before children)]

Mrs. Amazing: 'MORNING WORLD!' <Leaps out of bed>

Mrs. Amazing: 'What a beautiful day! Tra-la-la-la-laaa' <Skips off happy>

<Pulls duvet over head tighter> <Whispers> Nutter...

For your birthday we let you get up five minutes early.
You were very pleased about it.

You nutter.

2. Boy9's music taste is excellent

It's very similar to mine and that's no accident <Is smug>.

However.

I know what you're thinking. I know. I know. It's not my fault, I was born like this.

One day Boy9 will develop his own music tastes and likes. It will be horrible.

But honestly I want him to. I want to hear what he loves.

Because one day when he will play me something I don't know. Something I haven't heard before, with a smile on his face, the beat bouncing his feet, the lyrics soaring in his mind, one day he'll look at me and say...

BoyTeen: '*What ya fink old man Dad? Rikkin beats snaz?' (* a guess at TeenTalk)

I have no idea what you just said?

BoyTeen: 'It's from Bieber's seventh Greatest Hits album, ya snaz?'

7th? <Falls to knees>

You Maniacs! You  blew it up brought his albums!

Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

<Weeps>

And I'll listen to what he has to play me.

He'll know how important this moment is. I'll know too.

He'll know that it will be his first big chance to stake his claim in my estimation as someone with music taste.

He'll want my approval. He'll want to know that his Dad likes what he is listening to. Even if his Dad doesn't quite get it.

He'll want my thumbs up. It will be a big moment.

I'll let you know how it goes...

You're joking right? This is shiiiiiit isn't good...

BoyTeen: 'Oh wait... Wrong track!'

Oh thank bacon butties! <Wipes brow> Phew!

What was that rubbish? It was terrible!!! Utter urghghhh!!! Was it Westlife?

BoyTeen: 'It says it was a band called Thunderpants?'

<Starts leaving> Never, EVER, EVER, heard of them... <Starts whistling>

BoyTeen: 'Hey... Weren't you in a band called that?

No <Runs>

3. Boy9 can beat most of the family at Draughts (chequers)

Not me, Obv(!).

Boy9 played my Mum at draughts. Over and over it was hilarious.

Having raised four boys herself, Mums competitive edge took over and it became quite the battle. They both fought hard and a clear victor emerged.

However I am too much of gentleman to tell or reveal to all and sundry a ladies losses like that. No no.

I will never tell.

4. Boy9 still sits with the remote in his mouth as he watches tele

I have told him to stop thirteen trillion times.

5. Boy9 has become big

The manure worked.

Sometime in the last five months a giant snuck into our house, at night, and pulled on Boy9's arms and legs. Pulled and pulled until they stretched. As Boy9 now seems to be part-spider part-boy. SpiderBoy!

Also Boy9 has become too heavy to carry upstairs by his ankles.

Which Mrs. Amazing never approved of anyway (wise woman). But Boy9 loved it for some mad reason. If I tried it now it would break me. That's a hard angle to carry a person.

And I doubt your ankles could take your own weight now. You big old sack of potatoes, you.

I can still carry you like a sack of potatoes.

(Mrs. Amazing: ‘Go on… Hit it with a paper…’

Sure

Boy9: ‘OW’

Mrs. Amazing: ‘Huh? A talking spider… Hit again...’

… Sure…

Boy9: ‘OW!’)

6. Boy9 is the house King of scooting

Sigh. This has probably been true for a bit. Maybe years.

Sigh.

Before I would have made loads of arguments of how I can do this, that, and ker-that better than Boy9. So I would still be the fool master.

But it's not true anymore. I have only one skill I do better on the scooter now.

I have better stamina.

And that's a lame claim to fame on a train.

Fastest? Not anymore, he goes off like a bullet.

Best tricks? No chance, I don't bounce.

Most gnarly? Naa...

But stamina! Oo. Yeah. Lame.

Only one thing comes to mind as being a real benefit for having high stamina, and it's definitely not scooting. <Giggles>

Boy9 you are the King of scooters now. Well done.

<Hands over the Silver Scooting crown>

Boy9: 'This crown smells of choc?'

Shhh... <Shakes hands> Well done <Squeezes hand hard>

Boy9: <Walks off happy, but with slightly hurty hand>

Is he gone? <Checks he's gone>

OH CRAP IT! WHY WHY! CRAP IT!

Must practice more! That's it I'm practicing now! YEAH! Check this... woooahhh Ahhh... ARHGGHGGH!

<Crashes badly>

<Limps off>

7. Boy9 is a bit smelly and eww

Shocker I know.

It does seem that boys his age are all the same. A bit gross and disgusting.

Even by my low, low, low standards.

But his yukness reflects well on me. It's nice to not be the most gross in the house anymore. It's like a promotion.

For years, most scummy and smelly, has been my role and I've excelled in it. It's an unseen, and unspoken challenge of living with the opposite sex for the modern man.

Constantly getting looks of 'you're gross' and 'ewww... you're going to eat that?' isn't as easy as it looks.

I feel like the smelly and a bit eww man-torch is being passed on, from father to son...

(Queue the mood music... Press the button... No! Not that one!...)

My son, go forth and be smelly and eww!

Boy9: <Looks proud>

Pick your nose whenever you can.

Boy9: <Is already picking it>

Fart and laugh about it because it's funny and the man-way...

<Miss5 runs in and farts brilliantly>

<We all laugh>

Sorry! Good point Miss5. Fart and laugh about it because it is our family’s-way!

<High fives Miss5>

<Mrs. Amazing shakes her head in despair>

8. The emotion fairy has been and he (oh yes, he) delivered smeg loads

EmotionFairy: 'Where'd you want it?'

You mean where do you want it? We don't want it. Thank you, not today!

EmotionFairy: 'No mate. I've anger, rage, sadness, guilt, jealousy, apathy, greed, rudeness and super-argumentative for a Boy9’

EmotionFairy: 'It’s the summer special!'

<Picks up fairy by collar> We. Don't. Want. It!

[Beep Beep Beep...]

EmotionFairyTruckDriver: 'Mind your backs' <Dumps all emotions from truck on floor>

EmotionFairy: <Grins> 'Too late... Sign here!'

Boy9: 'Oh brilliant!!! Thanks Dad' <Dives into emotions>

[A millisecond passes]

Boy9: 'IHATEYOU!' <Storms off>

EmotionFairy: 'See you next week'

What? NO! We don't want any more! Fur cough!!!

I hear the emotion fairy keeps on delivering.

Weekly. For the next nine years. yay.

Good luck Boy9. Just remember we love you even when Mrs. Amazing is holding me back, and then changes her mind, and then I have to hold her back.

9. Boy9 still scares the crap out of me

I am getting older. At some point healthwise. This has to stop.

Especially as Boy9 is now nine. Nine means his hiding is good. He now has stealth and planning to use. Gone are the days of seeing feet hiding sticking out from under a curtain. Unless it's a decoy.

Now you lie in wait for me… Armed (with a Nerf gun)...

(Photo taken a long time ago in a galaxy far, far our first house)

(N.B. Boy9 isn’t called Bjorn, he’s called Wombat Fury! YEAH!)

I can hardly remember life before Boy9 rocked up.

I think I slept more. Drank more. Ate less chocolate (lie). You were so cute and tiny, and sweet, and lovable, you completely changed Team Parents (yay!) lives. Thank you.

We've had SO much fun with you already.

We can't wait for more.

Sadly though I think, at present, we are the furthest apart we have ever been.

I don't like it and I am trying to fix it. But I think it's a bit you growing up.

A bit I've other monkeys children to train help grow.

I love you Boy9, my big-little boy, more than R2-D2 Optimus Prime. You rock.

Best buds forever despite how flipping annoying you can be at the moment!

X

(P.S. Boy9 don't mention the best buds thing in front of Miss5 or BabyBoy2 or Mrs. Amazing or the Cat I will deny it. Especially the Cat Mrs. Amazing).