Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

5 August 2015

We Need A Cow

We keep running out of milk.
We need a cow. A real cow. 'Moo' that kind. 
It's a brilliant idea.

Although a cash cow wouldn't be turned away from our door...
Nor would a chocolate one either...

Mooo. You gotta help me, they keep trying to eat me!
Oh you poor thing, come inside
Mooo. I've had such a horrible day... It's hard ya know, being made chocolate...
Uh huh... Come sit here, on this... er... plate <locks door>
Mooo. Thank you.
This is Miss4, Boy8, BabyBoy1 and Mrs. Amazing.
Mooo. Lovely to meet you all... my but... you all look hungry?
Mooo. Wait! Why are you looking at me like that???
Mooo. Nooo...
<Chocolate massacre occurs>

Not that you get that many chocolate talking cows round our way anymore
(Mmm cowey...)

We currently have a milk fairy who magically delivers milk outside our door three times a week.
We use the local milk fairy service for three very simple reasons:

a) It stops me walking into shops, just for milk, and then leaving with armfuls of crap we don't need right away, but may do in some distant future during a zombie apocalypse.

b) It stops Mrs. Amazing walking into shops, just for milk, and then leaving with armfuls of stuff we don't need, but is really yummy and we eat instantly.

c) I don't want to spend every evening running into bastard shops that hide the milk as far as possible from the entrance. It annoys me. (I'm going to start leaving my money miles from the pay counter, next to the milk... that may backfire...)

So despite it costing a bit more for milk, it actually saves us money and time. Which are both valuable commodities that Team Parent never have enough of.
I must add that the milk fairy does claim to be a man and not a fairy, but fairies always say stuff like that. Such liars.

So when an enormous milk fairy bill plopped through my door, I responded in my normal, calm, thoughtful, Zen like, manner.
HOW bloody much for milk??? <Spills tea>

It seems we now spend more on milk a month than I do on chocolate! How can we be getting through that much milk!
<Eats more chocolate>

BabyBoy1 seems the obvious culprit as his main drink at the moment is milk. Water he just enjoys dribbling out of his mouth, or pouring all over his food.
Each of his bottles is 7 fl oz, which means very little to me, but converts to 198.89ml which does at least mean something to me, but for a real measurement that I can really understand, it’s about 0.35 of a pint.
He has four bottles a day, so that’s pretty much a pint and ‘alf he has a day.
Good work BabyBoy1!
So 10.5 pints of milk a week. That’s a lot!

Miss4 and Boy8 also both have lots of milk.
They both have cereal twice a day. Once at breakfast, once at brupper (Only wheaty-crap in the evening, no rocket fuelled sugar cereal before bed).
Boy8 has pretty much an adult bowl each time, and Miss4 has porridge which takes loads of milk it seems.
So using very scientific methods (guessing) I’d say they must consume between them 20 pints a week.

(Our fridge)

Mrs. Amazing and I are slaves to our tea addiction awesomeness, and we get through quite a few cuppas in a day. But we only have a teeny bit of milk in each cup, which can't add up to that much.
I reckon 5 pints to us.

So aside from the odd round of chocolate milks, pancakes and mash potato, that’s our milk consumption. The cat doesn't get milk, he gets water that he never drinks. Although he prefers drinking from my bedside pint of water before spilling it, the git.

So adding all of that up…
<taps on calculator>
...allowing for seasonal variances…
<more tapping>
...and dietary fluctuations…
<Is just tapping for fun now>
… means we consume…
<tappy tap tap>
… a lot of milk. Yes. A lot.
<laughs at upside down calculator saying ‘BOOBiES’>

I was planning to set up surveillance cameras on the fridge so I can see where all the milk is disappearing too… but that sounds like a lot of effort and I can't be bothered, and really I know the answer.

The milk consumption in our household has risen to such gargantuan proportions because there is 5 of us, and they (not Team Parent) keep on getting bigger.
Which is a bit frightening as they seem to be getting quicker at getting bigger too.
Considering the size BabyBoy1 was last year, he’s going to be a giant by 5.
So we either need to order a second fridge, just for milk, and then have the milk fairy deliver every hour...

(Yeah that’s it Mr. milk fairy… just there… 
leave the others round the back will ya… see you tomorrow…)


We could go with my very reasonable, and actually a lot more sensible than it first looks, plan of getting a cow. I only have a few issues or concerns...

a) Space might be a bit of an issue. It would go outside obv, I'm not an idiot!

b) The kids would love having some cute petting animals to, well, pet. Although cows are not cute, more huge and scary. But I'm sure we can get Miss4 braved up as soon as possible.

c) I've heard that Cows do tend to take up a lot of space. 
'Field' is the normal living environment scale that people tend to use. We don't have one of those.

d) I've heard there may be a bit of mess to clear up. Cow pats and such. I handle enough poo, I don't want more.

e) It would also scare the crap out of the cat and I wouldn't have to mow so often. 
So a few clear benefits.

f) It might get awkward when we have a BBQ, you know with burgers...

Mooo. Those beef burgers?
No no, lamb burgers. Yum yum.
Mooo. Is that a steak?
Naaa... It's... er... Fish.
Mooo. <Is unconvinced>

Still, it seems like a great idea. 
I present my idea and findings to Mrs. Amazing on why we should get a cow. 

<Explains cow idea to Mrs. Amazing using song and finger puppets, in our normal way>
<Is disappointed>
'That's a terrible idea'
<Hides tears>
'Chocolate milk?'
YAY! <runs to kitchen>