Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).

19 May 2015

It's As Though He's Trying To Communicate...

The fault is mine. I am the communication bottleneck, I'm the adult, he, despite his volume, is only little. My clarifying clear clarity clearly isn't clear enough.

Maybe I should use semaphore and stand there waving huge flags at Boy7. He couldn't claim he didn't hear me then. Might be a bit slow, and we'd both have to learn semaphore and I am pretty busy already...

(Says: I've had an accident, bring toilet paper)

… maybe not.

I can’t be that hard to talk to him, I seem to know what to say, just my mouth has other ideas sometimes...

Breakfast example:

What I should say: 

Dude. It’s breakfast time, yes, Yay! Could you possibly put the Lego down, yes out of your mouth too. Then please could you join us at the table, we would love hear your hopes and aspirations for the day, you've got a clear window of my attention whilst I eat. Come on mate! 
<ruffles hair> (his, not mine)

Ahhhh... Wouldn't that be lovely. I really feel that if cups of tea could be relay-handed to me as I stagger downstairs, this defo could happen, I could do this, I believe, I want tea...

What I actually say: 
Sit down and eat your breakfast.

OK, possibly a bit grumpy, bit short. Maybe not. POV and all that. But hell it's morning and my nice voice only starts working from 10 o'clock onwards, on good days. And let's not forget that it's breakfast, we have done this before, once or twice...

What he seems to hear: 
I know normally you're not allowed to do that, but screw that rule, I just want you to go for it. 
Yes, shoes DO make it BETTER!
Oh! and I would consider it a personal favour to me, please, if you could scream like a banshee at the same time. 
Thanks mate.

See! Somewhere, and I am struggling to spot it myself, we are failing communicate. Flags really could be the right approach to this.

Bedtime example:

What I hope I would say: 
Night night mate. Thank you for today, for being in it with me. 
Being part of your world and life as you grow up enriches my life more than you can ever know. Tomorrow is a fresh day , so let's go get it ready with a good night's sleep behind us.
<Whispers all echoey 'I believe in you' as I shut the door>

Urgh.  Just urghhhh. <vomits through own eyeballs>

What I actually say: 
Night mate, get some sleep, you look like cra... tired. 
<turns off light>

What he seems to hear:
Before I leave the room, while I am still watching you and we have eye contact. I want you to look straight into my disbelieving eyes and get out of your bed and start playing Lego!
Just start playing right in the middle of the floor as though the last thirty minutes of story reading, calming down and chatting didn't happen.
Then either ignore me, or act indignant as hell when I ask what in the name of Optimus Prime’s gear stick you are doing.

What I bloody well should say:
Night mate, I've electrified the floor. 
If you step on it whilst the lights are off you will receive a small electrical shock which will hurt.
I've also wired your Lego up to the mains. Do you know what happens when you run current through plastic? It heats up. And then melts.
Oh and this here...
<taps wall> 
... WebCam, we can see you. 
And this here... 
<taps cage> 
... Siberian Timber wolf, will attack anything that moves. Night!
<walks off whistling>

Ahhhh problem solved!
(Stop looking at his weapon)

We didn't know, we just didn't know ...

<breaks down in tears>
A white sofa seemed such a good choice at the time, the pretty lady said it washed clean, she had an accent, she thought our baby was cute, she pressed me close to her, she flicked her hair, said it matched the wallpaper, I am married to her...
... I would have chosen black… 
<voice cracks> 
chosen blaaaaack….