Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).
X
Showing posts with label star wars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label star wars. Show all posts

18 May 2016

A Quick Five Minute Job (Takes Sodding Ages)...

It's amazing anything ever gets done with kids about.
Look at the step in this picture...


(The school shoes were refused...)

Shocking I know.
Sit if you need to. 
Ignore the shoes and Miss5’s foot. That’s another tale.
You’re looking at the step.

I walk over that step a lot.
It's my front door step and I notice it every time. It annoys me.
Despite my want, desire and need to paint it. It still hasn't been done. Something else is always more fun, important, someone has poo in their pants, the flock need feeding again, someone wants to show me something I've seen before, or the chocolate cupboard is just too darn full and there’s full wine bottles cluttering up the counter top.
Nothing bad has happened to the step.
Don’t worry. It's just a few years of innocent wear and tear.
I assume….

What are you doing? <Finds Boy8 near the step>
Boy8: 'Nothing'
Are you scuffing up the porch step? <Reins in anger>
Boy8: 'No' <Hides hands>
Show me your hands
Boy8: 'No' <Drops sand paper>
Is that sand paper? <Plots first date revenge, involving home-made Superman outfit, a bad Swedish accent and Boy8 as Boy1 photo-t -shirt>
Boy8: 'No... Why would I have sandpaper?...' <Has righteous indignation, yet cannot make eye contact>
<Calmly takes sandpaper> Anything else?
Boy8: <Reluctantly hands over paint stripper, blow torch, scuff-coloured paint>
You know this stuff doesn't help me?
Boy8: ‘Yeah' <Laughs> <Runs>

The scruffiness annoys me.
Of the step (mine is fine). It's a chank get-ter-on-ner-rer.
I feel the front door should look nice, even if inside the house is wall to wall kids crap toys and mine  jammed in and stuck to the walls.
The front door, should at least look nice.

(Possibly a bit showy…)

Of course painting the step is only a little job.
Get paint. Sit and paint. Job done. Five minutes maximum. 
Easy. Three simple steps and the job is done. Lovely.
Except it's not that. 
Life isn't like that any more. <WeepsRoars like a Lion>
This one little job... is going take a few days hours...
And have about fifty steps... <Motions to list of steps prepared earlier>

1. Get paint from shed.

2. Remove BabyBoy1 from the dangerous shed as he followed me in.

3. Lock BabyBoy1 out of dangerous shed.

4. Cheer up BabyBoy1 because he really wanted to hurt himself in the dangerous shed, and doesn't understand why Daddy stopped him.

5. Get stopped in kitchen and have to watch Miss5 walk through sunbeams. Faking fascination.

6. Make a cup of tea. Remind Boy8 football is for outside, only.

7. Realise I didn't get anything to open the smegging paint tin with. Swear internally.

8. Get big screwdriver from shed.

9. Remove BabyBoy1 from dangerous shed. Ignore crying this time.

10. Walk off, ignoring guilt of leaving BabyBoy1 crying face down on the ground. He will be fine.

11. Get stopped in kitchen and watch Miss5 spell out (yes watch) three words that are the spelt the same, but if you say them differently then they are spelt differently (??). 
<Puts mind back together>

12. Try to take football off Boy8 but fail and end up knocking something over. Swear internally.

13. Tidy up mess and ignore Boy8's mocking.

14. Finally sit and open paint.

15. Remove paint lid from BabyBoy1's hand as he has stuck up on me and I didn't see him grab for the lid.

16. Take BabyBoy1 to wash his hands.

17. Take BabyBoy1 to Mrs. Amazing for safe keeping.

18. Agree reluctantly happily that sitting in the quiet with a magazine, for sanity reasons, is just as important as painting a scruffy step.

19. Come back with BabyBoy1. Put cartoon on for him. His favourite and mine: 'Sarah and Duck'.

(Sarah: ‘Duck… We’re a bit low on food at the moment…
and there was a vote last night...)

20. Mentally set timer as 'Sarah and Duck's are only five minutes long.

21. Realise tea is cold. Make more tea.

22. Put paintbrush into paint, notice Miss5 standing there.

23. Explain to Miss5 what I am doing. Explain why I am doing it. Twice. Accept that not everyone (Miss5) sees why a step needs painting. Explain why white is the only colour going on here. No rainbows.

24. Get convinced that painting the step orange would very cool and go and see what Mrs. Amazing thinks.

25. Continue painting the step white, whilst reminding Miss5 to keep her ideas to herself.

26. Tell Miss5 to be careful, as the paint is wet.

27. Take Miss5 to wash her hands.

28. Paint over Miss5's hand print.

29. Retrieve paintbrush from BabyBoy1 who has stolen the paint brush and is slowly running away.

30. Put on another 'Sarah and Duck' for BabyBoy1.

31. Sit Miss5 in front of 'Sarah and Duck' as well.

32. Find Boy8 outside looking at paint on the bottom of his shoe.

33. Swear internally. Hit a few coats and hats in the porch.

34. Explain to Boy8 that the paint was wet. Explain why there wasn't a sign and really it's his fault for not looking where he is going.

35. Listen to Boy8 explain why it's my fault and there should have been a sign.

36. Pour all the paint over Boy8's head and then shove the brush up his nose to make myself feel better.

36. Accept that Boy8's has a point, he wasn't warned. But don't tell him that.

37. Paint over shoe mark.

38. Take Boy8 and clean the bottom of his shoe.

39. Return to find every flying animal in twenty square miles has landed on the wet paint. And got stuck.

40. Paint over the fools and try not to feel too cruel, or cackle out loud.

41. Tell ALL children, clearly, the paint is wet and to stay away.

42. Watch as ALL three are drawn towards the wet paint like they are being pulled into a black hole that's handing out chocolate.

43. Hatch a plan to get some quiet time and to give the paint a chance to dry.

44. Wrestle with the ethical consequences of the plan, the inevitable fall out. The price I will have to pay.

45. Accept the price and silently apologise to Mrs. Amazing in advance.

46. Say to kids…
Did you know Mummy is having a few minutes peace and quiet? Upstairs.
Make sure you don’t disturb her...

47. Watch as all three are drawn, like moths to a flame, towards Mrs. Amazing resting.

(Can’t resist... it’s just so ... Must! Must have!!! <Is thrown out of the store>)

48. Paint Step. Sit back and watch paint dry in peace.

49. Ignore sarcastic peace ruining tone from Mrs. Amazing. From upstairs...
Mrs. Amazing: 'Oh I am SO happy to see you ALL'
Mrs. Amazing: 'When I was TRYING to get a few moments PEACE AND QUIET?'
Mrs. Amazing: 'I THOUGHT Daddy was looking after you all?'
<Snigger>

50. Drink cold tea and wonder how best to make this up to Mrs. Amazing.
<Enjoys sun>

X


6 April 2016

A New (Hope) Friend...

Miss5 and BabyBoy1 haven't always got on that well.
It's never been an issue from BabyBoy1's side, he loves everyone.
But Miss5… 
<Sucks air through teeth>

When BabyBoy1 arrived in our lives...
(Mostly thanks to Mrs. Amazing’s baby making magic, and my ability to make tea and distribute biscuits. Still part of the team.)
Miss5 took one look at the teeny, tiny, brand new, defenceless baby in the house.
And decided naaa!
Not a fan. Not for her. Plus what was it doing in HER MUMMIES arms!
But fair play to Miss5.
She wasn't mean or nasty. Didn't scream or shout about it. No she maintained her dignity and just utterly ignored BabyBoy1 for about six months. Not even a withering look did BabyBoy1 get.
Sweet huh!

But slowly.
Oh so slowly, she started acknowledging his presence in the world.
We did have to coach her a lot little to even say hi to start with. But Team Parents (yay!) have stuck to their guns and Miss5 will, reluctantly and a bit awkwardly, hug and kiss her little brother before bed now. 
It doesn't help much that he’s a right hugger and a kisser. But we can’t do nought about that. Plus it’s funny.
But it's been a loooooooong slow process.
I did try sticking bits of lego and pasta to BabyBoy1, Miss5's favourites.
In the hope that would get him at least noticed. I tried draping tiny bits of fabric, and glitter on his tummy as well, but that just huge foot-hurting, tripping, foody, fabulous mess.

(Newbie: 'Dude! I think we've done it... It's finally done'
OldPro: <Sucks air through teeth>)

Boy8 however…
Was brilliant about having a little sister, Miss5, some unknown amount of years ago.
He was genuinely excited about it. And he was equally happy to have a little brother turn up too.
I've no idea what we did for, or said to, Boy8 that we didn't do for Miss5.
Or even if it's us at all.
It probably isn't. 
It's more likely to be a very personal thing to each child and how they feel they fit into the clan family .
It is could be dependant on how days I waited until I watched ‘A New Hope’ with them for the first time, in the wee hours, as they failed utterly to sleep, and I held their tiny bodies in my arms whispering 'That's old Ben... He's frikkin' awesome'.
Could a wait of three instead or four days make you more accepting of new a sibling?
Who knows? Everyone. It’s not. Definitely.

It has been a real honour to watch Boy8 and Miss5 get to know each other.
<Salutes>
It really mean it. It has, as Boy8 can be very kind and caring to his sister.
We have a lovely picture of him holding a tiny Miss5 and it's one of his most treasured possessions. 
After his Mine-craft save games, Nerf guns, posters, rubbers (erasers), trading cards, cars, car tracks, things he has stuck to the ceiling, his football gloves and boots, and all the money he's managed to swindle out of Team Parents (yay!) and their extended family.

He teaches and guides her through anything she finds hard and, importantly, Miss5 lets him. 
So they both get a lot from their time together and have a lot fun with bonkers games, no sane adult would ever want to be involved, or indeed could have thought of...

Boy8: 'Dad! Dad! We need you to play a game!'
What's the game? Is it weird? Dangerous? If so I'm in
Miss5: <Nods> 'It's the one with the sofa, and the cushions, and we jump about, and we leap'
You don't mean...
Boy8: <Is very excited> 'Sofa-Temple-of-Doom!' <Shakes fists dramatically>
Great game, great game... Hmmm... 
<Ponders> How about big cushions this time, no defending yourselves from missiles…
Andddd a two? second tap-out count… 
<Both nod>
Cool... and no ganging up on me and making me cry
<Both shake heads>
I won't play...
<Both nod lie>

But also, a lot of time sometimes Boy8 can be a right rat-bag (medical term) to Miss5.
It's like he's nitro and she's glycerin. KER-BOOM!
Where's the wall gone? <Is calm>
... Hang on....
I left my sandwich there!!!  
<Is less calm> WHAT ON CHOCOLATE BISCUITS HAPPENED HERE?

It's happening more often as Boy8 gets older. 
The influence of his friends is showing and although it hasn't happened yet, it will. He will eventually think playing games with his sister is too babyish and not cool.
She will pass out of his attention for a while. Just a while mind. They’ll gravitate back together as the years go by. But it will be hella sad as it will be him growing up and moving on.
<Weeps> WHY WHY!!!
Obviously I will be there to help and guide him through these difficult, life changing and challenging times...

Boy8: '...And that's why I don't want to play with Miss5 anymore' <Dusts off hands>
Hmm interesting... and utter bollocks
a)… She's a right laugh
and b) Don't let being cool make you miss out on fun with Miss5!
That's totally not cool… It’s uncool.. anti-cool... sans le cool
Boy8: <Whispers> 'Like you?'
<Ignores whisper> Now then... put the cape back on…  and get back in there
Boy8: <Reluctantly puts on cape>
<Suggests> Arms up in a Y… like me...
Boy8: <Lamely does it>
LIKE YOU MEAN IT! <Shakes fist> And... Let it GO!
Boy8: <Arms are a bit lame>
Fine... Just copy my lead… <Fans out cape and prepares self...>

But don't worry.
As the Boy8 and Miss5 partnership goes into temporary hiatus, a new relationship is blossoming.
Well starting.

Miss5 and BabyBoy1 have finally connected.
Well Miss5 has. BabyBoy1 connects instantly with all, he's a baby.
Brilliantly though the dynamics of this relationship are utterly backwards compared to Boy8 and Miss5’s. Miss5 is the eldest here, finding the younger sibling all annoying and up in her grill and stuff at times. It's great fun to watch.
And Miss5 is loving her new minion helper buddy.

(It’s quite uncanny the likeness…)

The other day I caught Miss5 and BabyBoy1 playing together.
It was a moment of perfect symbiotic union whereby they both got something out of the relationship. It was utterly sweet and I did my best just to observe.
I was only there as a head-removing facilitator (just go with it).

Miss5 likes to build entire worlds out of stuff.
That day she had the (car boot) box of PlayMobil out. She likes to set up strange and interesting pieces together in a display kind of way. It can be a bit gothic, but very cool as well. 
She's not so keen on realistic representation. More abstract madness.
BabyBoy1 was helping by providing her with strange and unusual pieces to display. He would grab something and pass it to her. She would build with it. 
Only he suddenly ran out.

He had an idea.
I could tell what was going his mind as he did it. Or tired to do it. 
Miss5 likes making things with the Lego heads, who doesn't, so... If BabyBoy1 could get the heads / hair off the PlayMobile people! WINNER!
In BabyBoy1’s mind and mine.

(Ah that feels better… I had the worst headache…and it just lifted…)

Great idea.
Obviously he couldn't remove the heads. They are baby safe.
So I did it for him. What father wouldn't decapitate PlayMobil people for their youngest child? A monster. BabyBoy1 would run over to me for help...

BabyBoy1: 'UhUhUH' (* ‘Come on, chop chop, old man, head and hair. NOW!’)
Yeah yeah... OK mate.. <Pop> Here you go!
BabyBoy1: <Run back to Miss5>
BabyBoy1: 'UhUhOoooooo' (* ‘My lady’)
<Sweaty little palms hand over head and hair>
Miss5: 'Thanks BabyBoy1!' <Smiles at BabyBoy1> 
<Creates art magic>

Each time he delivered a head to Miss5.
BabyBoy1 would just stand there for a moment, lingering, absorbing the smile he got from Miss5. 
It was a thank you smile. A, I like you smile. A, you're not so bad after all smile. 
Basically a hug, but she’s a bit busy building stuff to actually stop and hug, smile.
I can see it means a lot to BabyBoy1. He looks proud and happy, and it makes him feel really good. I can tell by his beaming smile. He clearly likes making his sister happy.
I love this new friendship.
Then he's off again, for his next PlayMobil victim...

<Pop>
X

P.s. If anyone from PlayMobil wants to send us any stuff that would be great. 
We need more people... heads optional... :)


24 January 2016

I Think You Are Strong...

I read a few blogs that talk about how to empower daughters. (A Mighty Girl is my fav). 
I read them because I don't ever want Miss4 to feel de-powered or weak.
And Miss4’s my daughter. So I read them

(Like this site on FB and get a daily Mighty Girl story to read...
Better than the normal male centric media bile... )

I hope Miss4 is going to feel strong in her life.
I want her to feel as strong as I do in this world. Which is definitely possible, but something tells me it’s not going to be easy, and it will take a lot of effort and new thinking from me, and of course Team Parents (yay!).

Obviously Mrs. Amazing needs to do her part.
And of course as strong empowered role models go, I can think of no better. I know she will.
But how her main male role model, me, interacts with Miss4 is going to set up her expectations and her empowerment levels on the bloke front. Basically everything I do she will be watching and taking notes. Shiiiiit
How I treat her, Mrs. Amazing, Boy8, BabyBoy1 and weirdly myself. All is being watched and recorded. Sure I know that’s the same for Boy8 and BabyBoy1.
But I feel for Miss4 it’s even more important.

Miss4: ‘Dad? Do all men like Frozen as much as you do?’
Er… <Straightens out purple cape so it flies right>
Yeah sure… Probably… Can we just start?
‘Coz my friend said her Dad doesn't even know the words to Let It Go’?
Well that just dumb
Maybe he was pretending
Right, less talk… You ready?
‘Yep!’ <Takes centre stage, arms aloft>
Go
<Both sing and run> ‘A storm blows…’

I hope Miss turns out strong.
And empowered and not scared of men in her life. Real life Metaphorically speaking I would much rather be sat there, tea in hand, cheering Miss4 on as she throws a rubbish man out of her life herself. Than I do it for her. I’ll would happily do it of course, and enjoy it.
But it would be better if she could do it herself. I'm a bit lazy.

Miss4: ‘What the hell is this?’
Becoming Ex-BoyF: ‘Look. I'm sorry… I wasn't thinking’
‘Damn right you weren't’
‘Did you think I wouldn't find out?’
<Stirs tea, grinning>
‘A bloody Bieber track on your phone?’
<Beats Now Ex-BoyF over the head with phone>
<And pushes him out of the house>
'Don't come back!'
<Wipes proud tear from eye>

OK fine.
I might worrying about stuff that will not happen for a very long time, I hope. But I like to be prepared, and if Miss4 is going to be able to handle her own trash, I need to start her down that path now.
I think.

And this morning I think I did something to help her down that road.
Path. Road. Whatever, I’ll chop and change as we go on, it’ll maybe be a path sometimes, a road, a journey. Just go with it. It’ll be cool, don’t worry
Be cool.

So I think I helped her take her first step towards her destiny (be cool).
I attacked her with two wooden swords, and then let her beat the crap out of me
I think what I did might have made a huge difference to Miss4.
I showed her how to get up to chocolate cupboard, using a broom
I showed her to annoy Boy8 in five seconds
Something I am proud of myself for doing.
Something I want to share with you, because I think I did good.
I told Miss4 I thought she was strong.

Which doesn't sound like much I know.
I know, because I told Mrs. Amazing and she cared as much as when I managed eat all the chocolate, cakes, and pies in house within a day. (I was helping with her diet).
She cared not.

But think it through with me.
I'm Miss4’s Dad. I have proof, she loves Dangermouse. Miss4’s big strong Dad (me).
Yes really me. Big strong. She’s tiny.
Even I can be pretty impressive to a four year old girl.
I lift the heavy stuff in the house. I go out in stupid no matter the weather. I build, I smash, I shout the loudest, dance the hardest, eat the heartiest, and get drunk the drunkerest.
There is strength in this Dad carefully hidden under padding.
So to Miss4, I believe, I am her strength role model.
Mind blowing I know. <Bang> <Ow> <Cries>

And frankly that’s what I think Dad’s are meant to be.
Strong.
AND… kind, sweet, soft, cuddly, funny, emotional, loads of other stuff that you can’t brag to your mates about, loads, and paradoxically not strong at the same time (WTF!). I think the new modern Dad skills need to be applied like a second coat to the original Dad design.
Dad v2 if you like.

Anyway, back to guiding Miss4 on her travels across the seas of life (be cool).
I’ll explain myself better with a very real and not made up at all, example…
(Made up).

Han Frickin' Solo Sir. Ford: So... You had something to show me?
Mr.SoloWouldItBeOkIfMaybeOneDay,IfYouDon'tMindTooMuch,IfItWouldBePossible,ForYouToMaybe… <breathes> ... ToLookOverMyStory,IfYouGetTheChance,PleaseSir <Bows>
<Bows again>
Sir Ford: Sure kid
<Stumbles slightly as nearly faints>
Sir Ford: <Reads first chapter> That's great kid! but don't get cocky
<Flashes dreamboat smile>
<Actually faints and falls embarrassingly onto Sir. Ford>
<Is then pounced on by body guards>
#BestMomentEver

(You 'd like to meet Mrs. Amazing? No... Just no...)

See, nothing beats a good example.
I bet that's all clear now. Job done.
<Dusts off hands>

What? You've no idea what I meant? What has my man crush on Harrison Ford got to do with empowering Miss4? I am only human.
My point was this.
If someone you look up-to, such as Sir. Ford, for a particular trait (Awesomeness), says you are good at something. Well those are kind of comments that can change you. They can resonate within you with far greater power than if they came from say… someone… from any of OneDirection talking about lyrical quality. You know, someone in which you have absolutely no respect for. At all. 
<Grins>

1D Munchkin: ‘I think your song is great, you're voice is nice, I love the lyrics, very clever’
Get. Out. Of. My. House.
<Draws and cocks Nerf guns>
Now...
<Boy8, Miss4, BabyBoy1 appear fully armed as well>
Release the hounds!
<Cat walks by>

So... 
Me and Miss4 were running late for school and trying to get out of the door.
Not that rare an occurrence to be honest. I was talking as always.
I was nicely explaining why she needed to wear a cardigan, a fleece and a big water proof coat over the top.

Don't be a twonk it's bloody cold outside
You have no padding on you
You have to wear a vest, t-shirt, cardy, fleece, hat, gloves, and a coat and that’s for starters...
'I can hardly move!' <Waddles crossly about in star pose>
Hmmm... Good point....
<Thinks>
We can probably squeeze another scarf on then...

The thing is when Miss4 was two, and again <Sighs>, at three, she spent time in hospital with crackles (snot fluid) on her lungs.
Basically she had a cough which went bad. She didn't cough strong enough to clear the gunk out of her little lungs, so it built up. The doctors and nurses (Miss4's saint like saviours and angels, #NHSLove) called them crackles. It is something she will grow out of, has grown out of, thank steak pie. But she needed to be on oxygen in the hospital for a few days. It sucked big time. She is now fine.
And to make sure it never EVER happens again, I wrap her up extremely warm before she leaves the house. ALWAYS!
<Shakes fist>

Which is why Miss4 has to wear so much winter clothes.
It also why the conversation between us, as we were trying to get out of the door, was about how she needed to wear so many tops and stuff, and about how she had got crackles on her lungs. I wasn't really thinking about what I was saying, or where I was going with the conversation. Which is always very dangerous.
Let rhyme! Start with brother clucking runt...
I just wanted her to dress warm.

It wasn't going well.
Miss4 was a bit cross. So my entire goal in talking was to calm the grumpy Miss4 down, and one good way to do that, is just to talk stuff at her...

... and you ended up in hospital...
<Nods, instead of putting on shoes>
... because your little lungs were not strong enough ...
<Nods, instead of putting on coat>
... you got crackles, because your cough was so weak...
<Nods, instead of putting on scarf>
'yeah I'm weak coz I'm so little'
...
<Stops self>
<Stops and brings attention fully onto Miss4, her words echoing in my head>
...
<FINALLY Realises the huge mistake he is making>
No!
<Grabs Miss4 by both shoulders to looks her right in the eye>
NO darling!
You used to be little, but you're big now...
<Has no clear plan> <Is winging it> <Has adopted superman prose for emphasis>
... You've gotten tough...
<Silently curses dodgy grammar>
Err... <Winging it wings falling apart> … Er…
But you're bigger now, you're a tough cookie…
<Brainzilla saves the day and throws up the perfect thing to say>
I think YOU ARE STRONG!

And that was it.
I didn't plan that, I doubt I could do that again either. That was mainly dumb luck.
But telling Miss4 that she was strong, that I thought she was strong, I think had a big effect on her. Well... I say big, in fact it was tiny, it would have been easy to miss it to be honest.
But I saw it.

Her eyes flashed.
Yep. Her eyes. Flashed.
Have you ever watched someone's eyes when they see something amazing, or exciting, or brilliant? When something grabs their insides and pulls them tight. Like when you jump off something high. Like when your first love kisses you. Like when Han Solo passes the light sabre to Ray and says 'You're going to need this'. <Melts>
Like when you lift the biscuit tray up, and underneath there's another full tray.
When stuff like that happens, my eyes, Miss4's eyes and everyone else's eyes, rapidly dilate and expand as though you are pulling that moment into your head through your eyes.
Miss4 did that when I told her she was strong.
BOOM 'king POW!

And that’s how, I feel, I helped guide Miss4 on her quest (and... needing to be cool done) to being strong and empowered..
And more importantly, I meant it.

(How creeped out would be seeing this in your home... That hair!)

Epilogue:

[Mrs. Amazing finds me laying on the sofa at 9:30am]

'Aren't you going to work today'?
I don't have to, my work for today is done <Waves hand dismissively>
'What? Why?'
Did you not hear the Miss4 strong story? <Rhetoric smugness>
'Yeah... I'm just not sure work will agree?'
I think we both know <Pauses> that they will <Smiles and nods>
<Lays down to sleep as work done for the today>
'You know I've got friends coming over?'
Zzz
'You can't sleep there, I'm going to hoover'
Zzz
<Gets hoovered>