Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).
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Showing posts with label sexism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sexism. Show all posts

5 February 2017

Finally... Miss6 Arrives!

It seems Miss5 has been around for ages.
But she's finally been stretched a bit, stuffed full of information and knowledge, and sadly been given a jaw-bone-speed upgrade.
Miss6 has arrived!
<Whoops, hollers, fires gun in the air>
<Gets arrested as guns are illegal where I live>

How's it feel to be six then?
Miss6: 'Good'
Yeah? How so?
Miss6: 'I get proper Lego now' (Not Duplo)
That is good for all of us. Anything else?
Miss6: 'I can dance brilliantly'
Let's see...
<Dances like a Tazmanian Devil possessed by me during Come on Eileen Michael Flatley>
I'm speechless... My moves! You thief!
Miss6: 'My bedtime is a lot later!'
No it's not. And it never will be until you stay in bed until 6:30am <Gives look>
Miss6: 'Oh'
Not 5:30am!...
You can read now! That's good...
Miss6: 'Oh yeah...' <Doesn't really care> 'I can do this too...' <Blinks weirdly>
Oh... Is that helpful? More so than reading?
Miss6: <Shrugs>
Any Superpowers yet?
Miss6: 'The blinking?'
So... no.
<Both a bit disappointed>
I’ll tell you one good thing about being six?
Miss6: 'Yeah'
Well I don't flatten you quite so badly when I bundle you now...
Miss6: 'Yeah heh heh... No! Wait!’
Miss6: <Is bundled>

Six is still fine.
I'm not worried yet. Six is still young and sweet. Six is still finding about the world.
Six is still learning from all around you. Six is not a concern. Six is lovely.
I'll worry about the future when it rocks up.
Especially as my main job right now. What I must be doing for Miss6, right now.
As I see it.
Is setting a high standard of men for her...
<Straightens Mickey Mouse tie>
<Wipes mud off work trainers>
<Puts down Lego>
<Bursts into song with actions>
<Manages to contain self for a ten seconds minute>
<Bursts into song with actions>

And no.
I am not worrying about standards for her picking a mate. Marriage etc.
I believe that is going to have very little to do with me. As it should.
Team Parent (yay!) may end paying for stuff. And I may end mumbling through a speech. Which I may have already been working on for six years.
No.
I am instead thinking of the man standard I would like Miss6 to use to evaluate every man she meets. Yeah... that standard.
<Crumples from the pressure>

I want Miss6 to meet men and make the big decisions herself.
Twit or not?
Shields up or down?
Sexist or human?
Berk or Outcast Island?
Sane or fun?
Marvel or DC?
Wars or Trek?
Bow or Sword?
Cake or Bacon? (both Obv.)
Wang or Wang-Ker?
Smegger or dude?

(Really? ... No mentioned this! CRAAAAAP!)

So six is fine.

Now. It may not come across in what I write.
But I find it hard not to get all squishy when writing about Miss5. (There’s a lot I edit out).
She is my only little girl. Which makes her special+ to me. Boys I've loads of (two).
But daughters I have but one.
And she’s amazing to me. And quite, quite, mad magic.
Obv. Don't tell her any of this.
She'll be unbearable...

Miss5: 'You think I'm magic' <Is dancing around me>
Whatev's! When you're quiet... Which never happens!...
Miss5: 'You think I'm amazing' <Now just doing death-attack-poses around me>
There's moments, sometimes... They pass... I can recall NONE right now...
Miss5: 'Really? Oh no!' <Tears well up and she slinks to the floor>
Oh don't cry shop girl I'm only joking around. I do think you're amazing and magic...
Miss5: <Pops up with beaming smile and more dance moves> 'You think I'm magic! You think I'm amazing!

Also I've learnt loads from Miss5.
Miss5 has shown me the world through her eyes. It's very different. It's been mental.
There's a lot pigeonholing-condescending-glass-ceiling-making-sexist-smeggers out there.
I'm ashamed to say I hadn't really seen them all until now.
But Miss5 has made them stand out for me...
Miss6: 'This one' <Points>
You sure?
Miss6: 'Yep. He believes that only women cook'
What an utter bottom head snot face!
Miss6: <Giggles>
More cake?
Miss6: <Is already eating>

Nor have I ever noticed there were so many colours in the world.
How is that the wrong red? It's red?
Miss5: <Head shake> 'See, I meant this red!' <Show me two identical crayons>
Oh yeah... Very different… <Is lying>

And I’ve always believed that telling a story is a finite thing.
No so with Miss5. No so.
Why end the story? Because the listener has expired.
Why restrict yourself to point as well?
I've so much to learn.

Anyhoo...
Miss4 was magic. Miss5 rocked.
Miss6, I imagine, is going to be even more awesome, magic and rocky.
<Crosses fingers>

(What you drawing Miss6?
… <Looks>...
Hang on!… these are the Death Star plans?
<Is hit over the head and knocked out>)

As normal. I'll avoid a puke inducing-gush-list about Miss5.
And instead here's some stuff you probably didn't know...

1. Miss5 stopped claiming all farts
<Weeps>
Miss4 did. It was great. Really helpful.
But Miss5 did not. Shame. She has been less fart-karmically enlightened this year.
Instead Miss5 does shifty eyes when questioned on nearby smells.
Which is hilarious. Just like her Dad...
<Does shifty eyes>
<Regrets the shift eyes as have now put doubt on my parentage>
<Looks for receipt>

2. Team D is the greatest team ever
I've worked really hard over the last year to bond more with Miss5.
It seems to have worked. <Fist pumps>
And Team D - Daddy & Daughter - frikkin' rock...
<Whispers to Miss5> Team D - Best team ever!!!...
Mrs. Amazing: 'What was that? Better than Team Parent (yay!)?'
Noooo! Team Parent (yay!) is my fav...
Mrs. Amazing: 'Fine!' <Leaves making sure I notice how un-fine it is>
Boy9: <Appears looking hurt> 'I thought Team Ninja-Nerf-Minecraft-Wars was your favourite?'
IT IS! Well...
BabyBoy2: <Hugs my leg> 'SAM!'
Yes I love Fireman Sam too matey!... Dude... <Is in trouble and knows it>
Miss5: <Is doing the Team D dance, third movement>
You're not helping you know!

3. Miss5 rhymed a lot
Miss5 loves to rhyme. Miss5 cloves to clime.
Like that. It's my fault because I join in and probably start it. <Does shifty eyes>
It's become a way for us to talk now. A way for us to malk now.
It's kinda of hard to stop - hard to pop - once you get going - punce you get mowing.
I blame that 'step on a crack marry a bat' rhyme. Despite it’s wiseyness and educational value.
We just expanded it. Perpanded it a bit. In a Miss5 way.
Obvs. it's hella funny. But it does have it's dangers. Have it's crangers.
So from experience, meriance, here is my lost of words to avoid: Duck, gunner, plank, armpit,  bunting and parcel.
Yeah... really didn't hear the bunting one coming...

4. Miss5 hides a lot
In fact she loves to hide. Especially when I am trying to get her to do something. Brush teeth. Brush hair. Get dressed. Leave for school. Off she darts into the next room and then BANG! she's gone. Well SILENCE! she's gone.
Normally midway through me talking.
Under the bed, behind a door, under a desk, in a cupboard, behind a chair. In a tiny nook no one else could get into.
She is small and can squeeze into tiny places. And with all that hair as camouflage.
Miss5 can be like an mimic octopus (see ‘Octonauts and the mimic Octopus’)
One minute she’s there...
WHERE ARE YOU? <Is amazed>
Miss5: 'I'm here!'
WHERE? <Starts swishing the air with hands>
Miss5: 'Here!'
I Can't see you! ARRGHGGHGHH! Who's flicking my tummy!
Miss5: <Morphs out of the surroundings predator stylie> 'Me Daddy!'
<Covers self in mud>
<Is a teeny bit scared>

5. Miss5 can swim 10m
Without doubt. This is the single greatest thing I've done all year.
I helped teach Miss5 to swim. And she got her 10m badge. We did that together. Me and her.
I'm hella proud of her (and me). Swimming with Miss5 very quickly became a huge highlight of my week. I can't believe I ever let anyone else do it.
LET ALONE PAY THEM TO DO IT! DOH!
I'm not even good at it. I'm not. I try. But who cares, we have such fun! Just us two.
It's hella special.

6. Miss5 has picked a favourite Queen song
Some people agonise over this choice for years.
I do. Some never settle on a tack.
'Don't Stop Me Now' is where I'll normally settle. And then change my mind.
But at the young age of five. Miss5 made a choice. It's a big choice. A complex choice.
She’s gone with ‘Killer Queen’.
I'm hella scared, it's like she's warning us all already, ARGHGHGGH RUN FOR THE HILLS HELL HARPIE ON THE LOOSE impressed.

Bye Miss5.
It was delightful (if not a tad emotional... see this <Shudders>).
I was a real honour. Ya loon.

(You got the wallets?
Miss6: ‘Obvs!’
Good girl! <Runs too>)

[Is putting Miss6 to bed after a lovely birthday]
How's it feel being six then?
Miss6: 'I liked being five...' <Is a bit grumpy about it>
You did rock it
<We fist bump and da-da-da-daaaa>
I'm sure six will be even more fun <Crosses fingers>
Miss6: <Looks doubtful>
Imagine all the new, crazy, games and things we'll be able to do, together, now you're six!
Miss6: <Imagines it>
I KNOW! Night!
<Runs off to make dangerous plans>

X


3 April 2016

No Breasts No Opinion...

Jamie Oliver said something about breastfeeding recently.
I didn't go down great.
Poor Jamie. Ha ha ha! 

I'm aware breastfeeding is a dangerous highly emotive subject.
So I'm going to tread as carefully as I can, tippie toes and all that.
<Feels Lego smash beneath feet>
Obviously I shall write about this subject with my normal grown up and sensible approach to the subject matter at hand.
<Smash>
Damn it
<Smash>
Crap!
<Smash>
<Asks the world in general> Is there Lego over every inch of this damn floor?
<Turns on light>
Oh... Shiiiit There is...

(Nice hillocks)

I don't have a problem with what Jamie said.

“If you breastfeed for six months women are 50 per cent less likely to get breast cancer. When do you hear that? Never,”

Seems alright to me.
I honestly think his heart was in the right place. He wanted to help.
The more I re-read his comment the more I see someone trying to tell us a statistic that (if true) should be common knowledge.
It would be good, if it was, common knowledge.

Still he chanked some people off (annoyed them).
It wasn't the best timing for his comments. Or platform.
To me it sounds more like a pub comment.
You know, everyone's had a load of beer. There’s a very grown up, mature adult chat going on. When suddenly your mate, Bob, who's been quiet all night speaks...

[Mid important debate]
... And that, I think you will find, pretty much proves that there is no way Aladdin and Jasmine could have got around the world that quickly, excellent award winning song, or not...
It's just not realistic <Is smug>
Mate1 (no kids): 'You take Disney films too seriously dude'
Mate2 (lots of kids): 'Utter Rubbish!'
Mate2: 'The Genie was clearly helping Aladdin to woo Jasmine and...'
Bob: 'If you breastfeed for six months women are 50 per cent less likely to get breast cancer'
Bob: 'When do you hear that?' <Does question hands>
Bob: 'Never!' <Is a bit cross about it>
Mate1: '...'
Mate2: '...'
...
<We all look at Bob>
<Tumbleweed rolls by... continues into the fireplace and a huge fireball roars out>
<Pub staff rush in to stop the blaze>
<Smoke fills the pub>
<We notice nothing>
You alright there Bob? <Is worried>
Bob: 'Er... Yeah... Sorry guys' <
Bob: 'It's just been on my mind a lot'
Mate2: 'It's alright mate, we understand'
Mate2: 'Things like that can keep me up at night too'
Mate1: <Can't believe what he is hearing> 'What the bloody hell is going on?'
Mate1: 'We’re not seriously going start talking about breastfeeding and its relative right and wrongs are we?'
Mate1: 'ON A FRIDAY NIGHT? IN THE PUB?' <Stands for drama>
Shut the hell up. I'm with Bob on this one...
Mate2: 'Yeah me too. Shush no-kids'
Mate1: <Sighs and sits, defeated>
Mate1: <Lights a fag>
What are you doing? There's no smoking in the pub? Ever! Sadly...
Mate1: 'I didn't think anyone would mind'
<Motions to the burning tables all around us, the fire crew rushing through with hose>
Mate2: 'Fair enough... Should we go?' <Puts out flaming coat>
I'll just see if they are still serving <Dashes to the bar>
Mate2: 'Get crisps!'

Disclosure: I am not a Jamie Oliver fan (unlike Mrs. Amazing).
I like his cooking and the things he does for the UK. I just can't stand the talk-talk he does.
Jamie: 'Pukka!'
WHY! Yes! I would love a Pukka Pie <Smiles>
Jamie: 'There's no pie? I'm 'aking a pukka salad'
I will never forgive you for this... <Runs off cackling>

But that's my problem, not his.
Being rich, successful and fancied by Mrs. Amazing doesn't really help endear him to me either. What a pukka git.

(Beer fridge? PAH! Once you've had a pie warmer next to the sofa you never go back…
Or move around…)

So what did Jamie do wrong.

1. HE had an opinion, he did. He.
If you read this article jamie-oliver-needs-to-stop-mansplaining-breastfeeding-to-women (of which the title pretty much illustrates what I am about to say) and this one jamie-oliver-breastfeeding-advice-cancer-women. (You don't have to, or need to BTW...)
You'll see that the main thing Jamie did wrong was dare, DARE, to talk about breastfeeding, with a todger as a man.

[Sarcasm start]
HOW VERY DARE HE! What the hell was he thinking? Men shouldn't be talking about women's stuff at all.
It matters not what his intentions were, or are. It matters not that for some men that was probably the first time they heard another man (other than a quack) talk about breast feeding. A geezer too.
No, please ignore all that and just write your man slamming articles.
Bet that helps the situation for everyone. -You idiots.-
He has no breasts, ergo he cannot understand (as obv. men cannot empathise).
How dare he have an opinion and try (failing or not) and help people.
The utter scum.
[Sarcasm end]

<Stomps off to get a cuppa as this stuff annoys me>
<Come back with chocolate and tea>

One of the articles puts it this way...

“Why are you, a male, telling me, a female, about breastfeeding? Are you a doctor, midwife, breastfeeding specialist, a secret woman? When was the last time you lactated?”

And in answer to the first of a lot of attacking questions that could easily be turned on their head question:

Why the hell shouldn't HE? Don't be so sexist. Ya plumb.
HE 'could' be right, HE really could. HE could just be being lucky that day and the right information could have bobbled into his noggin that day. It happens.
But most importantly, and without doubt, without any doubt.
HE isn't wrong because he's male.
That's just dumb thinking.
We're all in this together!
Or did you conveniently forget?
<Heads back to the chocolate cupboard>

2. He said 'Breast is best'
Well actually it seems he didn't.
Which is weird as I got the impression he did. I keep looking for where he said that.
But it seems he didn't.
It's wasn't just me either. Eeh Bah Mum’s blog, which I LOVE, wrote about it in breast-is-best. (You should read this one <Shakes fist> if you like <Shakes other fist>)
Where did we both get ‘Breast is best’ from?
It's there. It's just not actually said this time. But it's on our minds and in our thoughts, as it is drummed into us.

'Breast is best' at first glance seems OK doesn't it?
It exists as a phrase because from ONE point of view, it has some truth behind it. It's a quick and simple way of delivering a message. A slogan if you will.
From a purely, purely, scientific, non emotive, cold-hard numbers, point of view, and when answering this exact question:
"If I have the choice, should I choose Breast or Formula or badger milk?"
Then the answer is: “Choose breast first”.
Not best... Just first.

And that's the problem. Best.
Best is how we sell stuff. It's how stuff is marketed to us. We upgrade to the best.
Best is what we aspire to be. But Best's never last, they are always replaced.
This is the best car in the world... for 10 seconds.
When they said England were best Test Cricket nation in the world (really, it happened), that lasted a good month of two. It was brilliant.
However it went bad pretty quick. My t-shirt saying they are the best lastest a lot longer than the actual fact.

So instead of 'Breast is Best' how about?

"Breast is great. Science (as the single entity it is) backs it. It's portable. It's free.
If you can go with breast, that's great. Lucky you. But if you can't. Alternatives are great too. Johnny Science backs that too.
But make sure you do what feels right for you. Above all, do that."

Mine is less catchy though. I admit it.

How about, instead:

"Breast feed if you can? *"
(*and it works for you, and your life, and your child)?"

So poor Jamie.
Wrong time. Wrong place. Wrong genitals.
I hope it's forgot quickly and people don't keep blogging on about it...

(Shush… sometimes no words are needed… just enjoy the pukka picture…)