Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).
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Showing posts with label pie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pie. Show all posts

4 January 2016

Dragged Back to Work...

I dread this day of the year.
The day I have to go back to work.
BOOOOO! HISSSS! BOOOOO!

I have not worked now for many many days and it's been brilliant. 
Christmas holiday is my favourite.
It took a supreme effort from myself not to hide under the covers and claim I had contracted a rare, and definitely not fit for work, illness, that has no visible or testable symptoms again.
No. Like the money maker of the family that I am I whimpered and cried until Mrs. Amazing made me get up I leapt out of bed and switched into work gear. Dusted off those long term memories and thoughts I had put on pause at the start of Christmas. 
Tried to remember my password...
Where I worked. Who I worked for... What I do...

Boss: ... So I hope you've had a lovely Christmas and are now keen to get back to work!
<Looks blank>
Boss: Well...
Er...
Well...
I suppose that if I had staff, then that would be how I would greet them back from Christmas 
<Adds> Nice speech <Smiles>
Boss: That is exactly what I am doing. Now.
Oh no there must be some confusion... I don't work here
Mrs. Amazing said I should come here, today, at this time, for something really important
Do you know what that might be?... She didn't say...
<Has sinking feeling>
Boss: <Frowns> You remember where you are don't you?
<Looks about>
... No
Boss: You remember this is your desk?
<Looks at pictures of family>
Nooooo... But that helps explain why you have pictures of my family here
<Un-flicks knife in pocket>
Boss: Do you remember what we pay you do?
Is it Lego based?
Boss: No
Chocolate testing?
Boss: No
Isn't it? Really?
Boss: No
Damn... Pie tester?
Boss: No. Just get to work. Every year it's the same with you
<Boss leaves muttering>
<Calls out> You sure it's not pie? 
I like pie? 
I definitely could do lots of pie work, if you want???...
<Looks about office>
<Is greeted by smiling colleagues>
...
<Runs>

I love Christmas holidays and I save my holiday to make the most it.
All the kids are at home, Mrs. Amazing is home, and the house is full of new toys, cheese, booze, pies and chocolates.
Hell I even love the fairy lights. It makes it feel like there's magic everywhere.
Team Parents (yay!) have weaved their magic for each child and they got… er... enough... let's say, of what they wanted from Santa and as magically as we could manage.

Boy8: What's this?
Argos voucher! Merry Christmas!
It's from both of us!!!
Boy8: It says £1
You are welcome... I mean HO HO HO HO!
<Strokes white beard>

(Right... Are we leaving the hall lights up?)

Yeah I know some people prefer the summer as you can get outside and do stuff.
Being stuck inside on a cold, rainy, winter day with three children is definitely some people's idea of hell. But not me.
Stuck inside with my motley crew is what I choose. I have loved being at home with my family over Christmas. 
Frankly my little monkeys are fun and I like being involved and present in their lives.

Some people love their work and I am very happy for them.
I am. Happy-happy-hap-hap-happy. <Waves flag>
I know some parents look forward to getting back to work, shaking off family life, and getting on with some really adult and grown up stuff.
It's true I've met them. They exist. They're weird.

For me work is never my first choice.
It's fine. My work is fine. There's lots nothing incredibly wrong with it. It's fine. (Yes saying fine three times a row really proves my point).
There's cake sometimes at work. The tea rounds are excellent. I cannot shouldn't complain.
But there are key four things missing from work that would make it brilliant: Mrs. Amazing, Boy8, Miss4 and BabyBoy1. (In your face Cat).

Boy8 has gone back to school.
As he should, and needs to. It was nice to see him back in school uniform. He looks smart in it, even with his t-shirt hanging out, jumper around his waist, scuffed up shoes, combed but still messy hair.
We did expect him to be a bit reluctant to go back to school. But no not a bit of it. He was super keen. He had his new erasers (rubbers) to show off to his mates. And of course all his mates are at school. ALL his mates.
He's still young enough that school is pretty much a big laugh with your mates, with some teaching thrown in. Which is fun teaching anyway.
Plus how can you tell everyone what you got for Christmas from home? SMS.
Honestly if they served tea I'd be back at school with him...

<Sticks up hand>
Teacher: Yes... You... The very old boy... Again
The answer is 42 sir
Teacher: Yes well done Mr. TalesFromTheDadSide... again
<Opens flask and drinks tea>
<Swears at child to left>
<Falls off tiny chair>
Ow

Miss4 has an insect day (yes insect) today.
So she's starts back at school tomorrow. I am sure today she'll be pushed out the door at some point on an insect hunt, which is always a laugh. Yes we could correct her and say it's an inset day, but why would we.
I’ll miss Miss4 a lot. There is no one like her in the entire world (there's a least seventeen Boy8's) anywhere. Even with the grumps.
Her perspective on life so brilliant and fun, it is hard not to want to be in it. She is just fun and crazy at the perfect mix. With a small part banshee thrown in for fun.
No one sits and plays Lego like she does.

As for BabyBoy1.
I have just spend many days in his company day and night. I've got to wake him up, put him down for naps, change his nappies, feed him food, watch him not eat his food, get hit by food. And best of all just sit on the floor and play.
I feel I know him really well at the moment. My ability to understand what his is saying has never been better. And you can only learn these things by being there. Only time with him counts. He is and will always be my cheese thief compadre.
I consider it an honour to have been able to spend so much time with him.
<Salutes>
And I can't wait for my next chance.
He's awesome.

I’ll miss the three of them a lot.
I like playing board games and eating chocolate. I like watching Disney films whilst building Lego. I enjoy chasing BabyBoy1 around the room and then bundling him onto the sofa and then being attacked by the other two, with cushions, and then being jumped on until someone gets hurt (me).
I'll even miss Boy8 flicking my arm during every single damn meal time.
Whole days where all you manage to achieve is brushing your teeth, because you're too busy playing. Well they're golden in my book.
And you know what? All that cool stuff?
Frowned on at work.
Yep very frowned on. Swines.

(And when you're finished playing you make patterns with them, of course...)

I'll also deeply miss being with Mrs. Amazing from sun up to sun down.
Who wouldn't? She's amazing.

But fair play.
There are some, a few, perks of being back at work:

1. I’ll be able to rest. 
Those lot are exhausting. Mentally and physically. Racing each other round the house, dancing, leaping like salmon, triple (!) piggy back rides, can wear a fella down. And crush his knees.

2. There's lots of tea. Hot tea.
The tea rounds at work are probably the best in the world, fast and frequent. Which is just how I like it.<Refuses cheap sex joke>

3. I can go to toilet as and when I like. 
I don't have to ensure everyone little is safe and occupied. No one opens the door to ask what I am doing. Or in the case of BabyBoy1 comes wanting to play.

4. My sanity levels will start to increase.
Kids are wonderful but essentially mad evil geniuses nutters. It starts to rub off on you. I took the kids into town and cared not that Boy8 had stamped a red heart on my forehead.

5. There's no laundry at work.
Which is a real bonus. Even if I really, really, reallllllly wanted to do laundry at work. (I bloody don't) I cannot. Shame. Gutted.
<Shakes fist at sky> DAMN YOU SALAZAR GEOSPATIAL PHYSICS! WHY!!! 

6. I can listen to all the music I love that is full of swears and rock and roll references.

But really, these huge perks aside, I know deep down in my heart where I would rather be.
Sat in front of the fire watching a film, starting our nineteenth board game, whilst trying to convince BabyBoy1 to spit out the dice.


(How he get all those in there? ... Where's my phone?)

But don't worry about me. Don't.
I have a special plan that I use to ease me back into work life. Soften the blow as it were.
I am taking a entire Stilton wheel into work.
I am going smuggle BabyBoy1 in and hide in my desk.
Each year at work they give us a chocolate advent calendar. Which is nice. Preaching to the addicted and all that. So when I break up for Christmas I purposely hide it under my desk and don't take it home. I resist it, knowing there's plenty at home. My other advent calendar for starters.
I leave my work one there so that when I am dragged get back to work. There's quite a few doors left unopened...
... And I can just tear into it.
Or...! I can just slowly eat them, slowly, throughout the day.
Slowly.

<9:03 all chocs gone>
<Feels sick>
<Gets out Stilton wheel from bag...>

13 December 2015

My Christmas Present Onion (Layers)

I AM NOT COMPLAINING, I AM JUST SAYING (for your entertainment).
There's a difference.

E.g. This is just saying:
<Listens to Westlife on radio>
Ha! This suuuucks!
I'd rather this wasn't happening!
But hey ho!
<Hums along happy enough now has shared thoughts>

E.g. This is complaining:
<Listens to Beiber on radio>
OH GOD NO!
It hurts! It hurts! OWWWWY OW OW!!!
<Starts hitting the radio, whilst stuffing bread into ears>
He's in my mind! I am being polluted!
<Gets hammer>
... Can't. Bare. It...
<Smashing occurs>
Ahh.... better...
<Radio stops working>

But oh my Xmas-shizzle, is this Christmas requiring a lot of planning.
Team Parents (yay!) have had to call a lot of planning meeting of late. I love the tea and biscuits at the meetings, the organiser is HOT!, but they can drag on a bit and I always wish I took notes, because I seem to forget everything later, or stuff is made up.
The present requirements for this year, are well, complex...

How about a bit of coal for Boy8?
'Hmmm... not sure he will 'want' coal'
Bag of coal?
'Still probably no'
Does he like food?
'Er... sometimes'
<Both sigh>
Pie?
'He's probably thinking more a toy?'
Pie-toy? That's weird...
Miss4 into coal?
'She's probably thinking toy too...'
Cool, they can share
'Probably hoping for one each'
TWO TOYS! Jinkies!
<Gets a look for Jinkies>
I've been watching Scooby-Doo
<Still getting a look>
With Boy8! <Is lying>
And BabyBoy1?
'er... Coal is fine'

So obviously as we are all on the naughty nice list we will all be getting a FC present.
After last years mind change near disaster gate regarding Boy8's present. The letter to Santa rules were laid out very plainly this year.

a) Once the letter has been sent / burnt it CANNOT BE CHANGED.
It's like ordering with Debenhams on-line, once your order is in, it cannot be changed. Santa and one of the UK leading high-street stores (sigh!) web site, seem to have the same administration system. I forgive Santa coz well he has to draw a line somewhere. But Debenhams WTF! (Why can't I change my order? I had had too much wine and was drunk clicking, a mere 20 seconds later I wanted to change me order (second thoughts about the full scale R2-D2 for Mrs. Amazing, she probably only wants one), why can I not change it online? Do your computers (servers) work differently to everyone elses? DO THEY!) (the answer is no).

b) There is no cash alternative. Christmas is not a financial transaction (and never will be, unless you are going travelling).

c) You may only submit one letter per year. The administration staff get a bit cranky if they have to update your records constantly.

d) No weapons (Unless you need a sword for sword class).

e) None of the smegging pets need to write to Santa. And no the fish doesn't get a present. EVER.
The Cat may.

Fig 1. FC's present and stocking requirements

(The letter in a circle is to indicate that Boy8 and Miss4 have already written and chimney-sent their letters to FC asking for loot stuff).

As you can see, each child gets a present from Santa and a stocking. 
Me and Mrs. Amazing tend to get over looked by Santa for a present (we are naughty together sometimes), but we do get a stocking. BabyBoy1 doesn't send a letter as he is illiterate (still!).
The Cat gets a dotty line as he tends only to get a present if anyone else remembers he needs one.
The fish gets nought. HA HA!

Now then, that present requirement probably seems quite reasonable.
Let's add in Team Parents (yay!) presents.

Fig 2. Team Parents (yay!) present and stocking requirements

Easy.
Team Parents (yay!) get each child a present. Nice. 
Animals and livestock are out of our remit.
Note that the Team Parents (yay!) presents are smaller than FC's. We don't like to upstage the big guy. I am always DELIGHTED that FC gets the most present glory. As it should be.
<Grumbles>
Logistically up to here I am fine, my mind can cope with this. This is reasonable amount of presents I feel. 
It's the next layer that seems to cause Brainzilla problems...

Fig. 3. The kids presents to each other, and us AKA the start of the madness

Bollocks! 
Even as I draw this now, I realise BabyBoy1 hasn't got his Mum a present! (and again two days later!)
AND Miss4, whilst I know what she is getting Mrs. Amazing, I haven't actually ordered it.
CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!
<Goes on-line in mad panic>
<Gets distracted and buys booze and chocolate for self>

I have mentioned to a few people, enemies mainly
That the amount Team Parents (yay!) have to organise, is a lot. Some have responded with understanding and compassion.
'Ooooooo that's a lot of organise'
'Poor you'
'Duuuuude!'

Etc... As you would expect.

But others <sigh>... respond strangely with.:
<Snippy> 'Well it's your own fault for having three foul child spawner from Satan's own flock!'
Yes <Is confused, having listened to a hour of their tedious job complaints>
... I suppose it is <Fake smiles>
It's also my own fault for expecting simple, easy, empathy and compassion from you
Let's speak again later... some time in the future.. think personal robots...

A little support surely isn't that hard?

Anyhoo ho ho ho...

As fig 3. clearly shows there's quite a bit to work out and plan.
We hit the internet hard and ordered away. Once most things turned up we had another meeting (!) where we undid all the boxes, checked the right things were here, and then laid everything out on the bed in lines to make it easy for me to understand.
A few things were shuffled about, but we were 75% done.
Mrs. Amazing made a new list and we started operation 'stuff we forgot'.

Bet you thought that was everyone?
Nope... Grandparents...

Fig 4. Spaghetti Grandparents

Hurts doesn't it.
MY EYES!

This is the 'kids' chance to say thank you for all the care and support the grandparents provide through out the year. It tends to be a hand made (by child) gift that says we love you.
Without the grandparents helping out, Team Parents (yay!) ship would have sunk many years ago. Dramatically and with all hands going down.
So these are important presents.

Fig. 5 All the other relatives AKA when Brainzilla hides...
(Really it’s Jackson Pollock's- Wide Walls… but shhhhh)

OK fine. That's not really the image. 
Basically that information cannot be drawn on a computer. I tried and it blew up my computer. I tried a bigger super computer, and that blew up too.
But missing is: My siblings (kids aunts and uncles), siblings wives and husbands (kids aunts-in-law and uncles-in-law), my mnieces and nephews (kids cousins), my god-children and my god-parents, close friends and a man called Ed.
Mrs. Amazing's additional list is similar but she has more friends on it, me, and she still has grand parents living.
I've made a rough count, and it comes to roughly 57 presents. Shiiiit
No wonder we hand make so many presents! 
Yes we could skip a few. But we don't want to.
We like giving stuff. The impossible trick is doing it on the cheap.

As I said at the beginning I am not complaining.
I love giving presents to people we love. I love thinking about what they may like, and what might make them smile. It's a very personal thing you can do for someone.
I always feel quite upset if I cannot think of a present for someone, as though I don't know them well enough. Still, whenever that happens, there's still wine, beer, a mix tape, pie, chocs, dead arms...
The Christmas logistic may be close to madness, and very close to what ol' Brainzilla can cope with.
But I wouldn't change for all the life sized R2-D2's in the world.
And secret Santa's suck.

<Dusts self off and packs up keyboard, Tale done> ...
<Goes to make a cup of tea>
<Whistles randomly>
<Raids chocolate cupboard>
<Scratches>
<Smiles at tree, grabs chocolate off tree, makes it look like the kids took it>
<Sits and relaxes to eat chocolate>
<Isn't thinking about much and is happy everything is planned brilliantly and covered>
<When Brainzilla pipes up...>

MRS. AMAZING'S PRESENT!
SHIIIIIITTTTT!
<PANICS!>
<Runs>

58 presents.