Turns Out... I'm Cavalry!

It turns out I am cavalry.

Which surprised me. Because most of the time I seem to be the leader of the 'Solo Scout Party', or head 'Primary Reconnaissance Advanced Tester' P.R.A.T. for short.

And why?

Because that's what gentlemen do, they wander off into the dark to find out what is wrong. Alone. No chocolate, nuthin’. Investigating anything that one of us 'may' hear in the night. You heard nothing.

'I heard a creak'

Sorry… sprouts

I am asleep and careth not

It could be a bear?

'Nooo... don't be silly...'

'Why would it be a bear' <Is unsure>

A bear escaped a local zoo just the other day

They said it is likely to break into houses at this time of night

'Really?'<Is wide eyed>

Uh huh... And it attacks families just like ours

'Nooo' <Hooked, lined and sinkered>

The only warning you get is a floorboard creak just before...

'Before what?!'

<Does cutting throat mime>

'Go see what made the noise'

Bugger off, didn't you hear the bear story? No

'Go on... you're the man!'

<Grumbles>

Fine... <Puts on Piglet slippers>

but if it is a bear... <Does up Tigger onesie>

and I get eaten…  <Tugs Pooh beanie on tight>

...

'Zzz'

you just carry on sleeping… <Sighs>

Being the man of the house pretty much defines me as chief tester and investigator.

So yesterday when I dawned on me that I had become the cavalry, the relief column (he he), the backup, for a night. Well it surprised me.

I thought I was cannon fodder to be honest.

BabyBoy1 has a hell of a cold at the moment.

It is stopping him from sleeping as he wakes up unable to breath, and then panics. Which is fair enough. Knowing how to cough your throat clear is not something it seems you are born with. Shame for us.

So all week Team Parents (yay!) have had our sleep ruined disturbed by BabyBoy1 waking up every couple of hours, as, and when the Calpol / Nurofen fades.

Miss4 has caught the same illness.

She can clear her own throat which is good. But she can also get out of bed and sneak into ours. It's not until the bed temperature has reached ~4000 degrees do we normally notice she has snuck in.

(Still missed and thought of every damn day... <weeps>)

So it's been a classic broken sleep week for Team Parents (yay!).

I'm not moaning, it is what it is. Exhausting.

And Mrs. Amazing has taken most of the strain. 

Apparently waking me, can be harder than just getting up and then rocking someone back to sleep for three hours at 3am.  I'm not sure about that, but it's definitely safer and less sweary. The times I do wake first, I tend to crawl angrily into action.

It does take a lot to wake me...

<Plays trumpet directly into my ear>

Zzz

<Wafts pie under my nose>

Zzz <Stays asleep but tries to eat pie>

<Puts chocolate on my lips>

Zzz <But eats chocolate>

'I am going to buy as many shoes as I can on-line'

Zzz <But sleep is restless>

Fine... <Undoes one button on pyjama top>

Yes?

I know I have been left to sleep because of the morning report and I am grateful. 

Sleep is definitely in my top 100. 

In return I have been doing more when I am at home, trying to reduce the toll on Mrs. Amazing. But my time at home is limited and I can only turn the tide of battle so much.

Yesterday I got this message from Mrs. Amazing. 

It may not seem much to you. It may even seem pretty cordial and is simply stating how things are going at home…

My response was ‘Shiiiiiitt!’.

I know the lady. I know Mrs. Amazing pretty darn well.

She may well have put...

I was busy at work when I got this. 

But stopped what I was doing to text back support and an offer to dump them both on me and then run, when I got home. I didn't get a response. Mrs. Amazing was already planning that anyway.

Enough build up, my great day at work finally ends.

I get home and find BabyBoy1 and Miss4 sat on the sofa drinking their milk. Mrs. Amazing is slumped underneath BabyBoy1 with a 'help' look on her face.

Man what a day, I'm off to the pub

I see no problem at this moment in time

It's gymnastic-nookie night, you better warm up!

Are you OK?

What would you like me to do?

Mrs. Amazing heads out into the real world for a walk and I catch up with Miss4 and BabyBoy1. Who are both delighted to see me and behave lovely and sweetly. It's lucky Mrs. Amazing nipped out.

Mrs. Amazing comes back thanks to Magnum P.I. 

Miss4 gets a Mummy bedtime and I get BabyBoy1. Miss4 takes longer to get to bed. Even ill. You have to guard Miss4, until she actually falls asleep.

BabyBoy1 is great at going to sleep, so I am finished first.

I have a moment of genius. Rather than bugger off downstairs and raid the chocolate cupboard again. I wait for Mrs. Amazing to come out of Miss4's room...

I'll do guard duty

'What? Why?'

You go catch up on Facebook, and watch utter crap on tele

'Really?'

Uh huh… Watch that really terrible stuff I can't stand

That horrible soul sucking, depressive, stuff you like...

'The News?'

<Shudders> If you must...

Miss4 is pretty good and eventually she is asleep. Guard duty done.

I find Mrs. Amazing laid out on the sofa, eyes covered, motionless, not talking. Tele not even on. Phone ignored.

Shiiiiit. All bad signs.

<Picks up shot glass>

Have you been having whiskey shots?

'Jack Daniels'

God that's hot

Another?

<Eyes flicker to say ‘yes, lots’>

('And those are since you hot gnome... hic... <cracks up with laughter>')

Whilst Mrs. Amazing lay recovering I shut myself away in the kitchen and cooked, cleaned, laundered, dried, sang and danced to Elbow. 

Then I came back to Mrs. Amazing to listen a lot, bring more shots, and watch Mrs. Amazing slowly come back to her amazing self.

So like I said, I was the cavalry.

I turned up near the end of the battle, after everyone else was dead, ill, or at least severely injured, and managed to turn the tide of the battle. Ararenother win for Team Parents (yay!)!

Mrs. Amazing was in bed at 8:30 again.

But before she zonked out, she thanked me for looking after her, and gave me a kiss.
X

7 Phrases That Have Changed Meaning Since Kids

Phrase 1: You want another drink(booze)?

This used to always be followed by a ‘yes please’. Now I either have to abstain and be sensible (urgh) or it's a rare night off and I drink like a dehydrated camel.

‘You want another drink?’

No thanks I want a lot of drink

‘Oh go on... ’

I can't, I have all three kids tomorrow, on my own

‘You can…’

They get up at 6 ready to play

‘What? AM?’

<Nods>

‘Ooooo that's harsh’

‘You realise it's 4AM?’

Is it?

<Grabs bottle and just starts chugging>

‘Down it you zulu warrior!’

‘Down it you zulu king, king, king...’

<Regrets nothing>

(Just one more beer then..)

Phrase 2: You look tired

This used to mean that one (I know posh or wot!) looked a little tired. It now means that one of us looks like the living dead and probably needs to sleep until the next big bang.

‘You look tired’

Do I?

‘Yeah. You eyes are all puffy’

<Touches eye-suitcases>

‘Your skin is pale and you're yawning all the time’

<Yawns>

‘Plus....’

‘We’re stood in the women's lingerie section and you haven't made a single joke, blushed, suggested anything for me, and you’re not walking funny’

<Yawns>

Yeah, sure, here's some money, get the kids something too


Phrase 3: We’re out of milk

When did milk become so important? Really when? Madness.

[Before kids]

We’re out of milk!

‘Oh no how will we make our tea?’

What about your breakfast muesli?

‘It’s a disaster!’

Beer? Health juice?

‘Yeah'

[After kids]

We’re out of milk! BabyBoy1 needs milk, Miss4 needs milk, Boy8 needs milk

What the hell are they going to live on for the day!

<Runs to the shops and finds last carton of milk being taken>

I'll give you £10 for that last carton of milk

‘£20’

How about... £10 and 24 pence and you can have my Darth Vader key ring fob

‘DEAL!’

<Takes milk>

<Beats seller with milk carton until he gives back Darth Vader key fob>

<Runs>

(Worth a beating)

Phrase 4: You've got something on you

I used to be clean and well presented, enough, when out and about. Now however, if a top only has one milk stain on it, that one’s for weddings.

‘You’ve got something on you’

Have I? <Not even remotely surprised>

If it’s white it’s milk

‘It’s not white’

Creamy white? Could be puke

‘Not creamy white’

Is it greenish? That could be snot and puke and milk all mixed together

‘It’s not green’

‘It’s brown’

Oh that’ll be chocolate, don’t worry

<Wipes fingers and rubs of mark>

<Realises it wasn’t chocolate>

I have to go…

<Leaves scrubbing tongue>


Phrase 5: You want a smoke?

NOOOO!!!!!

Why would you even ask me? In FRONT OF MY KIDS?

I've never smoked. EVER. It's for suckers.

‘You were smoking yesterday’

Ix nay <Does 'Shut Up' eyes>

‘Fine...’

‘… but you still owe me ten smokes for yesterday’

<Panics>

WHO THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU???

PERVERT!

<Punches best friend, since age 4, in the face>

WE ARE LEAVING!

<Leaves with kids>

<Runs back, leans down, and whispers in mates ear>

See you this evening

‘Yeah... OK…’ <rubs face>

One more for appearances

HOW VERY DARE YOU!!!

<Kick kick kick>

Phrase 6: What shall we eat tonight?

I miss being able to eat what I want. It was nice.

<Sobs>

[Before kids]

Italian? Mexican? Japanese

‘Ooo I love sushi’

‘Steak house?’

Nice

‘Chinese? French? Indian?‘

Let’s flip a many sided coin and then eat at all of them

[After kids]

‘Boy8 won’t eat pasta, rice or potatoes, unless they’re chips or roasted’

That rules out Italian and Chinese...

‘Miss4 will only eat vegetables and pasta’

That rules out Steakhouse, and Chinese again

‘BabyBoy1 can’t have anything too spicy or raw‘

And that rules out Japanese and Indian

Pizza?

‘Despite liking all the component parts, Boy8 won’t eat pizza the smegger’

Fish and Chips?

‘They never eat the fish’

So… sandwiches in the park?

‘Again?’

Let’s make it special, let’s have ham AND cheese

‘Deal!’

Phrase 7: Fancy an early night?

‘Fancy an early night?’

DO I? YEAH!!!

<Runs off and comes back with candles, romantic CD (AC/DC’s Back In Black), snacks, and cups of tea>
READY!

‘For what? What’s all that stuff for?’

<Notices Mrs. Amazing has more clothes on to go to bed than a moment>

Er… You said early night…

<Sense of disappointment grows>

‘Yeah… Because I’m so tired, cream-crackered in fact!’

haha <Fake laughs>

<Tosses romantic crap out of the window>

‘Why are you naked?’

I lost my clothes… on the stairs

‘That’s weird...’

Yeah… I thought it would save time… <Mumbles>

‘OK… Night!’

‘Zzzz’

Night

<Sits awake in the darkness>

<Is concerned about the flames coming from outside of the window, but is naked so just goes to sleep>

Sigh…
Stupid lovely children.

(It’ll be fine 'till the morning…)