I'm away this weekend.
(Mum! this is from awhile back, we still need you to babysit this weekend :)
Three whole days without the kids and Mrs. Amazing.
It's hard to keep the tears of joy in at times.
And no.
This tale isn't going to be about that weekend. You're not that lucky.
It’s just twelve old friends. Blokes. Half Dads, half not.
Heading north to share a big house together for three days.
And yes it It may sound like the start of a horror movie.
But really the risk factor is pretty low. We're in the UK so axe murderers are pretty rare.
We're more likely to fall in a ditch on the way home in the dark and scuff up our jeans a bit.
Or a vicious toe stubbing could happen. Or a can of weak piss lager might explode everywhere. We may get lost on the way back from a pub. A lot.
And there is always a chance we never actually find the house in the first place, each night, and each morning, at all.
(Don’t be fooled… Hedges act all innocent, but when you’re singing at the top of lungs not paying attention they grab you, and drag you in… and offer you cake...)
Probably though, the worst that will happen, is that one of us will get scared by a cat late at night...
Lad1: 'Ekkkkkkkkkkk!'
<Others come running>
Lad2: <Shines torch> 'That's a cat!'
Lad3: 'Haahaaa! Love the warrior scream by the way!'
<All crack up with laughter>
<Bear growling sound>
All-Lads: 'Ekkkkkkkkkkk!' <All run>
<Cat with Bear-ringtone on his mobile chuckles by>
The bit that excites me most?
Nope. Not the sleeping, not the free flowing chuffing-muffing swearing, not even the drinking...
More water?
Mate: ‘Yes’ <Rolls eyes> ’ Ta’ <Drinks>
Mate: ‘You know.. I still don't think we've got this home-bar quite right?’
What? Why not? We've got a tap, we've a bar.
IT'S perfect!
Mate: ‘Suppose..’
Let’s do shots!!!
Mate: ‘Of water?’ <In the key ‘I don’t want to’>
Of course water. What the smeg else… Ohhhhhhhh… idea!!!
HOW ABOUT SOMETHING A BIT MORE SPICY!
Mate: ‘Yes mate! I know what you mean. Boo…’
YES! Beena!
<Mate leaves>
... I'm looking forward to seeing everyone obv. They rock.
But there's two things I am really looking forward to. Things that I'll love from the moment the car door slams as we head out, will love every moment whilst I'm there, and then will love all the way back home again and keep little pictures of under my pillow.
1. There's no plans
Bliss. (Which stands for Bloody Lovely Is Self-management Sucka. It does. It's true. It's not true)
Work always has plans for me. My family (and I) plan a lot to make the most of our time together. We have plans within plans. Plan in those. Long range plans. Little plans. Plans everywhere.
For all the freedom we have... life can feel very constraining sometimes (and yes I know I've nothing really to complain about).
We, the MEN! UGH! UGH! <Coughs>, have managed to cobble together but one plan for the entire weekend. A vague curry plan for the first night, so we all at least eat once.
But other than that... no plans. Nope. None. Nothing. Nada.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh <Shoulders drop> Bliss.
<Farts>
(The best plans ever...)
2. No one is going to need me
I am not an alpha male. Really. In the Greek alphabetic scale of things, I am about Theta, maybe even Feta, possibly Cheddar.
It's fine. We can't all be alphas, because if we're all alpha, then no one's alpha.
<Does villian eyes>
In a house of twelve men, how often do you think the Theta is called upon?
Alpha: 'Quick! QUICK! We need someone that can write Tales about family life, at a reasonable rate, with mixed emotional investment, sometimes funny, but can also be thoughtful?'
<Runs into the room ready for his moment>
I AM THAT THETA!!!... <Pants> I MEAN SOMEONE!
<All crack up laughing, except me>
MeanAlpha: 'Why the low-fat-mayonnaise would we need that?'
<Takes a beer and leaves>
Oh I suppose there could be a random, board game related, need for me.
Instruction manuals do tend to be passed my way.
Or mid-mime-singing-dance-game (they exist), the need for a well practiced Frozen routine by someone who has successfully removed enough pride self-concerns that they would do it for everyone right there and then without thinking it through.
Then yes maybe. I would be needed.
It'll be lovely to be a free agent for a bit. And not be needed.
How? I hear you ask.
How did I, in the name of Thanos's other glove, wangle a weekend away?
No idea. Time off for good behaviour. I think this has come from a need. A need for male friends, some Dads, to meet up and see each other.
Sure, I see some people with the family regularly and that's lovely in it's own screamy way.
But it's not sat around the fire, seeing who can spit the furthest (we don't really do that)...
Lad1: <Spits>
Lad2: 'Dude! That's disgusting, we put a deposit down on this place!'
Lad3: <Spits>
Lad2: 'What did I JUST SAY???'
Lad4,5,6,7,8,9,10: <Spits>
Lad2: 'Fine! Whatevs' <Spits.... but dribbles a bit>
Lad3: 'Dude... that is gross!'
Lad4,5,6,7,8,9,10: <Nod> 'Gross' <Tuts>
Two separate groups of my male friends have come to the same conclusion.
Both groups have realised that now we are all married. There's not going to be any more weddings or stag dos. Which is bad. Because we all love PARTYING! WOOOO! seeing each other.
It's bad because, the men, us lot, always managed to make time to attend them. They sort of made us see each other, and have great fun.
Both events come with ample warning time, a clear plan, and all your mates are going anyway. Yay!
But now they've gone, it's been left to the men to organise events ourselves.
<Is concerned>
It may surprise you, but I think Dads need friends too.
If only for someone to dead arm talk with. It think it's pretty common that Dad's my age with a young family stop going out, stop meeting up with friends. Because they are busy. Busy working or spending time with their families. Busy.
I constantly feel like I don't have enough time with my children and Mrs. Amazing. Instead I spend most of my day making money betting on Dung Beetle races.
On a day by day basis, I cannot, cannot, prioritise my friends over my family. My family has to come first.
So unless it's planned ahead... time with male mates doesn't happen.
So... how did I wangle this trip away? Wangle-wangle! Oy! Oy! Wangle-wangle! Oy! Oy!
It wasn't my idea. But it's a bloody good one.
Nine months ago a date was thrown into a calendar. Splat.
A few months later one of us, a lovely, very excellent, rum drinking fellow took responsibility, and picked a place, created a cost and sent round the heavies for the money.
A few of us managed to email back saying 'Yeah mate' and ‘Geezar’. It was all guns blazing from the men.
That's it. That’s how it was wangled. By slow, and with plenty of warning, planning.
(I was going to order some t-shirts that read '12 guys! One House! Fun times!', but thought better of it).
Obv. I am going to miss my family terribly whilst I am away.
Woooohoooo. I'll be having fun and loving it, don't get me wrong.
Wooohooo! <Does dance>
But I'll miss hugging all those little people at home.
No one hugs like BabyBoy1.
He totally sinks into my shoulder and then rubs my back with his teeny little hands. Boy8 used to do it too. They’re copying what I do, that's how I comfort them to sleep.
It's adorable.
I'll miss Miss5's... Miss5-ness.
There isn't a single word that describes her, I'll just miss the entire tiny mad package.
No one else cares as much about rainbows as her. No one. She owns them all.
I doubt rainbows will come up as a topic whilst I am away, but if it does, I will be King rainbow, thanks to her training.
(DESTROY WITH EVERY COLOUR!!! EVERYONE! SMASH SMASH!)
I'll miss Boy8 too.
Not as much as the others. And not because I love him any less. It's not that. Really.
It's because he's a bit bigger and more busy, and I spend the least time with him at the moment. Not by choice. He's busy. I'm busy. It is what it is at the moment. Busy.
I doubt he'll miss me as much as the others anyway.
Maybe it's a boy thing. Maybe it’s not.
And Mrs. Amazing… Well miss doesn't quite cover it.
Think lost phone, but ten lost phones and one of them makes you tea in the morning.
Ooooo yeah. That much.
I think, and hope, I’ll be missed.
I'd be quite gutted if I wasn't missed to be honest, if they got through three days without really noticing I was gone. Then I'd know I was working too hard and wasn't engaging in my family enough.
And… That would suck (badly) for me.
That would be one of the worst things that could happen to me as a Dad.
Not being missed.
Still I'm sure they will miss me.
<Crosses everything> <Falls over>
But just in case, they need reminding. I have a plan.
I'm taking all the tele remotes and phone chargers with me.
They’ll be begging me to come back...
X
