Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).
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Showing posts with label dad skills. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dad skills. Show all posts

23 November 2017

A Tale of Two... er… Events (I Feel Amazing)...

It's amazing how the world works sometimes.
How two seemingly unconnected events can come together and help each other.
Magic really.
<Does mystical hands>

Seemingly Unconnected Event #1

A week ago.
I was at a party. A late night for a bestie. He was DJing.
So I went. It started at 11pm. Which is not a time I have been out partying at for a couple of decades. As I am thirty-ARHGGHGHHNO!NO!NO!!!WHY!WHY!
Something in me decided I had to go. Stuff the consequences. So as I left that night, just as Mrs. Amazing was heading to bed, she made clear her feelings on me heading out quite so late...

Mrs. Amazing: 'You're crazy'
Crazy cool?
Mrs. Amazing: 'Hmmm...'
Crazy rock?
Mrs. Amazing: 'Err...'
Crazy like a middle aged man trying to regain his lost youth, which will probably end badly, and I'll be knackered forever from this?
Mrs. Amazing: 'Yeah more that. Crazy!'

After the DJing.
There was a band. Then another DJ. And another. 3am it finished. <Gives you a look>
And all the babyshams I had drunk were really starting to take a toll on me especially as I had been chasing them with double Jack Daniels and coke.
There was an after party. Which I attended as it was so late I had no way of getting home. And my, poorly planned, place to kip was at the party.
5am. The party was still in full swing and I'd love to say I was still rocking away. But I wasn't.
It was hella tired and wanting to sleep. But couldn't.
You see 5:30am is often when BabyBoy3 comes in for a cuddle at home. My body clock is timed for waking up at that time. And then rolling over and pretending to be dead so I can sleep for a bit more.
My body clock was not ready to be up and partying at 5am.

(Double JD please!
Barsteward: ‘Here ya go!’
No-no! I meant bottles… <Gives look>)

Plenty of cups of tea kept me going.
Blessed be the tea givers. Even if I was becoming more horizontal with every passing minute. Music was playing. And whilst it was nice and fun music. It wasn't my normal type, and most of it washed past. However one song came on that reached out and grabbed my attention from my 95% sleeping state.

Actually.
I imagine the song would have just passed me by. Except for one thing. The guy that had put the track on. Loved the track. And knew every word. And he's hilarious. His brilliant mime and actions to it were so good that it had us all in stitches. So much so, we rewound (skipped back) and he did it again.
Brilliant.

I finally gave into sleep.
Tea finished. But not before I managed to Google a lyric from the song. So I could find the song the next day.
Zzz...

I woke three hours later.
The party was still going on. But I needed to get home. Somehow I managed to get myself home by 11am. And then slotted seamlessly back into family life. OK it wasn't the day to ask me to rewire the oven or help anyone with homework. But I was cooking. Cleaning. Laundering (real word). Playing with the kids. Upright. A valuable member of Team Parent (yay!). Not a lazy git stretched out on the sofa moaning about a hangover. No.
So much back into the swing of it I was, that I took Boy10 and Miss6 out roller skating that evening. With me skating too. I wobbled a bit more than normal.
Bedtime was done. Mrs. Amazing headed out into the cosmos to battle intergalactic demons. I bathed. And at 9pm I collapsed into bed.
And slept for 12 hours straight.

Seemingly Unconnected Event #2

It was my turn for Boy10's bedtime.
It did not go well. I had had had a long day and was feeling pretty closed off. Low on empathy. So I laid out the law to Boy10.
- You are going to read for 15mins. Outloud.
- Before we play any cards.
- And you need to do your teeth again, as I took longer to wee, then you did to brush.

I did manage.
To get Boy10 to re-do his teeth. Although I did have to stand with him timing the fun. But it was done. But once we got to reading outloud. It all broke down.
And I became the enemy.

Which suuuuuucks!
Boy10 ran away from me and went to find Mrs. Amazing. Who was busy catching up on some work. Boy10 begged Mrs. Amazing to come do his story as he didn't like me.
Looking back I can see what was going on now. But at the time I was hurt and just switched to fine! Whatever! I'm tired! You don't want me to read, then fine! mode.
Mrs. Amazing said no. As she had a) work to do and b) she supported me. Which she did by telling Boy10 that I was doing his bedtime etc. I didn't go down well. He was very distressed about it all.
Poor lad.

(That better be ‘V’ for victory my lad… Else you’ll be in serious trouble!
<Knocks debris off shoulder>)

At the time.
I kept thinking what the smeg! Why is he doing this to me? It's totes unfair. I've done nothing wrong! And I hadn't. But my thinking was just about me thinking. Not thinking for others.
The crap awesome kind of thinking.

Mrs. Amazing worked it out next morning.
Simply by asking. And then re-asking. And asking some more. Which is not something I ever do. I ask. Get answer. We're done.
But Mrs. Amazing kept asking until Boy10 explained why he didn't want to go to school this morning. He really, REALLY, didn't want to go.
Once Mrs. Amazing got the truth out of Boy10. Everything clicked into place. The awful bedtime last night. His turning on me. Yep.
We now had an answer and reason.

Team Parent (yay!).
Amid the chaos of a school morning. Had a quick meeting about Boy10.
The result was to keep Boy10 at home for a day. Yep. Parental approved missing school.
OOOOOooooooOOOOO!

Mrs. Amazing was conflicted about this.
As essentially she is a good girl <Blushes>. Except with regard to Wine, Shoes, waiting to open Presents.
I, on the other hand, not so much. I tend to follow and agree to the rules, as long as they tend and agree with me. <Grins>
So for me the choice was easy. Boy10 is not well enough for school. He doesn't go.
Stress is probably the best and safest description of what was wrong. And I've had days off for stress. Children can get stress. I was very happy with that as a reason.
Mrs. Amazing hadn't thought of it that way. And was a lot happier after I mentioned it.
YES. I was the sensible, thoughtful, bigger picture, one...

Boy10: 'Quick! EVERYONE! Come out side!!! The planets and all the stars are aligning!!!'
Mrs. Amazing: 'Wow! This is clearly a once in a lifetime event'
Yeah... <Is a little hurt>

Anyway.
We took Boy10 out of school for the day. Mrs. Amazing went to see the Head teacher (I was required at work). The head of year was there too. They did their jobs well. Team Parent (yay!) were happy with the conclusion. Reassured. And at no point did they tell us off for taking Boy10 out of school. Which was hella important.
And Team Parent (yay!) were happy as we were supporting Boy10 in the best way we know how.

The Bit Where the Two Events Mix Together (and this, hopefully, finally, makes sense)

Next day.
Boy10 had to go back to school. Both of Team Parent (yay!) had words with him. Nice ones. Encouraging ones.
My little speech was pretty good. Not great. Mrs. Amazing nailed hers.
Boy10 was ready.

It was my turn to drop Boy10 at school.
He played up a bit getting into the car. Fights over wearing a coat. In the UK. In November. Put it on!!!
But I didn't fight at all knowing he was on edge. Just gave calm reminders of expected behaviour and lots and lots of patience.
Eventually. Late. Me and Boy10 drove off.

And I didn't know what to say.
Which doesn't often happen. And because it doesn't often happen with me. It makes it worse. The silence in the car (there was music playing Obvs.) building and growing like a black hole that was sucking the joy and happiness of the world.
I felt this incredible need to reach out to Boy10 and tell it was going to be OK. That everything was fine. That we love him. That we are here for him and will always be. To connect in some way.
I can sense Boy10 wants that too. He even looks like he is dreading school today.
I panic. And playfully punch his arm. Wrong choice.
CrapBadgers.

I get a look.
Damn it my words have utterly left me. We've ten minutes of this hell to endure unless I can think of something. I try and think of some good music to put on. Then I can sing something to him. But every song I want to put on, isn't right. The lyrics aren't right. Radiohead is right out. Floyd's ‘Another Brick in the wall’ is a no. Bob Marley's ‘Three Little Birds' is close. But not quite right...
Think man! THINK!!!

(OK… But I’m not really sure how that’s going to help…
<Starts playing saxophone>)

<Is busy thinking>
<Drives through park, over ponds, up a tree, over the Cricket square, mounts curb, sends pedestrians flying> I GOT IT! <Car hops back onto road>
<Passes Boy10 his phone>
Put a song called 'I Feel Amazing' on...
<Waits while Boy10 signs the hand over forms>

Yes!
The two seemingly unconnected events smash together and the music I was watching someone else mime, brilliantly, at 5am, at a party. Splats into my head. Ew.

Here's the chorus:

I feel amazing,
Smile on me face from me wake up in the morning,
No time fi badmind no time fi problem,
Somebody tell babylon better unoo warn dem


It’s by Richie Campbell and it’s called ‘I Feel Amazing’.
I had already read and learnt the lyrics (it's what I do). I’m well aware the lyrics are safe for Boy10. I also know the chorus is catchy as hell. And I know it will stick in Boy10's head if I play it to him enough as we drive!
And what lyrics they are! Like a mantra. An uplifting, feel happy about the universe, set of words.
Brilliant!

The cherries all over the top of the cake. The best bit. Is that I don't just have to put music on and sit there waiting for him to listen.
I can copy the mime I had seen as well!

Boy10 reacts first with a 'You are so embarrassing' look.
Which was expected. I expected that. However the joy of the mime I had seen had not been the actions themselves. But the utter joy and happiness that had been put into the actions. And that kind of projection of joy can take a while to infect.
So I mime on, joyousness increased (whilst driving sensibly and carefully).
Both arms up dancing away.

Eventually it gets to Boy10.
Me dancing, huge coat on, miming away, in the confined space of the car. Whilst driving. Trying my best to match Richie Campbell's accent. I iz so damn white.
A beautiful smile breaks across Boy10's face. Thank bacon. I haven't failed him.
I manage to connect. I'm a goodish Dad. Thank bacon. <Wipes tear away>
I did it!

Boy10 leaves the car singing the lyrics.
I may not have managed a great speech that would lift him. My words may have utterly failed me. But I've given Boy10 some words to run around his head today. Some good words. And hell, that's enough. I'm quite proud of myself for that.
Thank you Richie Campbell for the awesome song.

And thank you hilarious mate from the party for that.
There's not much I value above my children's happiness. Cake. Star Wars toys. ChocChoc. Bacon flavoured Star Wars cake toys. I don't think you will ever know how important those hilarious moments turned out to be to me.
And Boy10.

Unless you read this... which you might... I may even show you... so then you'll know... er... thanks… Which I’ve already said....
<Just leaves quietly>
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(Over to Richie... (ignore the 20 sec intro)...
... (and the vid, not really sure what that's about really...)
... (I would have just had a lot of people jumping about looking happy)...
...(but each to their own)...
... (great song anyways)...)




4 November 2016

Carving the Pumpkins...

Halloween fell on a monday this year.
Which is a bit crap. Far nicer last year. When it was on saturday.
Far easier to stay out late with the munchkins having fun last year.

And it was the first Monday of the school term.
There was no chance any of my lot were staying out late. Going from house to house demanding chocs from people trick or treating...

[Bing Bong]
<Door opens>
Kids: 'Trick or treat!'
Twonk: 'Treat!'
<Confused looks all round>
...
Boy9: 'Dad! This guy said treat!'
Twonk Cool. That's his choice...
<Whispers to Boy9> Send in the little boy
<BabyBoy2 pushed to the front, not dressed up as he refused again>
BabyBoy2: <Sticks out ickle hand> 'Choc? Pweeease???' <Big imploring eyes>
Twonk: <Cracks> Oh you're just too cute! Here, here, here <Hands out lots of sweets>
Kids: 'Thank you'
Team Parents: 'Thank you twonk'

Halloween prep started on Sunday.
Carving time. We had been out having a right laugh visiting trains and the such. Poop-poop etc. We got back, ate, rested. And then Team Parents (yay!) suddenly remembered it was Halloween tomorrow.
Smeg!
It had nearly slipped our minds. Because Mrs. Amazing was full of cold and not her normal self. And because I wasn't full of cold and was my normal myself.

Still we did remember.
In your faces! And Team Parent (yay!) instantly sprung into action and became an efficient pumpkin carving unit.
I'll make a cuppa...
Mrs. Amazing: 'I'll get something to nibble'

Mrs. Amazing was chief scooper.
Because our knives are not sharp. Eons ago I spent a lot of time working in restaurants for cake. And I was taught that a safe knife is a sharp knife. <Cackles>
Yet in our house we have eight six little hands reaching into drawers without looking. Awesome.
So keeping knives beard trimmer razor sharp seems a bit like leaving pens on the floor in a star shape... A pentangle if you will... And then being miffed when a demon shows up...

(Cup of tea?
ScaryFlamingDemon: 'TWO SUGARS PLEASE’
ScaryFlamingDemon: 'AND CREAM IF YOU’VE GOT IT’)

[BAMF]
ScaryFlamingDemon: 'YOU SUMMONED ME MORTAL!'
<Pauses Bake off on tele>
Wothca. No. Sorry. <Picks up tea> There must be some sort of mistake.
We didn't order a Demon
ScaryFlamingDemon: 'YOU MOCK ME? I SEE THE PENTANGLE OF SUMMONING BEFORE ME!'
<Glances down> Oh... that. Miss5! MISS5! You've left your colouring pens on the floor again! Come clean them up!
Miss5: <Scurries downstairs> 'Hello' <Waves>
ScaryFlamingDemon: 'HI' <WAVES BACK>
Miss5: 'Silly me!' <Picks up pens> <Manages to get pen on her face, hands, legs and nose>
ScaryFlamingDemon: 'I SEE' <LOOKS A BIT LOST>
Sorry. Is there anything else we can help you with?
ScaryFlamingDemon: 'YES SMEGGER! WHILST I'M HERE I'll HAVE YOUR MORTAL SOULS'
Uh-huh... Miss5? <Has a sip of tea>
Miss5: 'FREEZE' <Freezes the Demon on the spot just like Elsa would>
Boy9? <Has another sip-a>
Boy9: <Appears armed to the teeth in Nerf guns> 'Yes Dad?'
Help this gentle...er... demon out will you...
Boy9: 'What?'
Pardon <Gives look> Shoot him / it!
[Lots of shooting and missing, eventually the Demon explodes into a million pieces]
Mrs. Amazing: <Is walking though>
Mrs. Amazing: <Whips out magic wand and says her magic words> 'Diamonds and shoes' <Doesn't stop>
[All pieces of Demon are sent back to the demonic portal they emerged from, rug is straightened, sofa cushions are fluffed and a fresh cup of tea appears]
<In awe> You are a-maze-zing!
<Unpauses Bake off>

Anyhoo...

I cut the tops off the Pumpkins.
With a blunt knife. Mrs. Amazing scooped like a boss. And then, foolishly I feel, we asked the children what they wanted carved into / onto their pumpkins.
They had one each. Like little red riding hood, but with pumpkins. Sizewise (not bear and porridgewise obv.).

BabyBoy2's pumpkin:
Well he didn't have any requests. He was pretty confused why we had huge vegetables on the table and knives out.
Babyboy2 just wanted to play with his fire engine. What was all the full about these orange thingys?
So he went floorward and played with his (was Boy9's) Fireman Sam fire engine. Happy days. Happy loving firemen and their big powerful engines days...

[NEE-NAR-NEE-NAR]
BabyBoy2: 'YAYYYY! NEE-NAR!'
Mrs. Amazing: 'Quick! Quick! Pull over'
...I was...
Mrs. Amazing: <Leans out of window and starts whoopering and hollering>
Must you do this every time?
Mrs. Amazing: 'Just showing them some support'
What are you holding? Is that a sign? IS THAT YOUR PHONE NUMBER?
Mrs. Amazing: 'Er... Return of the Jedi, Leia in a gold bikini'
Er... <Is distracted> er... <Returning to reality>
What?... What were we talking about?
Mrs. Amazing: 'Pie'
Mmmmmmm... Pie

(Yeah but can he do this? <Does insane amazing dance>
Mrs. Amazing: ‘You know... I bet he can’t’ <Smiles>
Yeah!)

I sit and think about what to carve for BabyBoy2.  
And then carve him a pirate themed pumpkin. He has started saying shouting 'Ahoy' and 'Arrrrr matey' lately so I figure it could be a hit. Plus I feel confident I can carve an eye patch.
It goes so well I get cocky. And add more things round the side. They go wrong.
And the scar on the left fails. It was supposed to be a hash mark.
I stop carving anything more. But overall I'm happy. I show BabyBoy2.
BabyBoy2 cares not.
That's just a weird vegetable that you've cut bits out of.
You weirdos.

Miss5's pumpkin:
As Miss5 actually cares what is on her pumpkin. She was given paper and asked to draw what she wanted. Mrs. Amazing did this. Not me.
Had it been me Miss5 would have been given limited, pre-approved, options.
A square. A line. At a push a triangle.
Miss5 shows me her picture when she's done.
I am expecting to see something so complex and abstract that I would have to defy the laws of physics to even carve a shallow copy of it onto a pumpkin.
I fear the worst.

It's fine. Phew.
It's just two big eyes. And a mouth full of thin sharp and very pointy teeth.
The eyes go well and match Miss5's design. But the teeth go badly.
My first cut is a big mistake. I cut the bit I want to keep, as it were. Smeg.
And there's no going back. So one design change later, I carve it with one huge tooth instead.
Miss5 isn't very cool about the change.
Until... I show her the Bat(ish) logo I did on the back.
I get a Miss5 high five.
Life is brilliant.

Boy9:
Having spend a while on BabyBoy2's pumpkin and Miss5's pumpkin. It is only now that I realise Boy 9 has been online. All this time. Searching for the pumpkin design he wants to carve.
OMFB! Get him off the internet! ARGHGHGH!
There's loads and millions of pictures of amazing pumpkin carvings everywhere!
Is that Darth Vader riding a wookie?
That's disgusting

Boy9's design choice is complex.
Way more complex than I was hoping for. It's way past my square, circle and triangle hopes.
There's letters for bacon's sake (FBS)!
I express my concern...

No way. I can't do that!
Boy9: 'Don't worry Dad I'll carve it'
Really? Re-ealllly? Cool!
Boy9: <Does one knife cut>
Boy9: <Does another knife cut>
Boy9: 'It's too hard' <Passes me back the knife>
Boy9: 'Can you do it for me?' <Does big pwease eyes>
No No chance How about a nice square shape? But I was gonna starting eating chocolate
... er... Fine. Sure mate
<Should have seen that coming from a mile off>
<Everyone else leaves to go do fun stuff>

I am not a carver.
I have meagre skills at best. The last of the sun light has gone by the time I am finished and my beard is touching my toes.
Upstairs I can the sounds of a fun bath time going on. Lots of heavy thudding and BabyBoy2 shrieking with delight.
I know it sounds a lot more fun that it is at the end of tiring day. And given the choice Mrs. Amazing would swap in a heartbeat and then ask me to carve it later.
Finally finished. I look at what I have achieved and hope that Boy9 likes it.
Or he will wear it.
I don't want to disappoint him.

(Toothy, Arrr! and Boo!)

I put candles in the three pumpkins.
And line them up in the fireplace for when everyone comes downstairs.
Then I go wash all the pumpkin off my hands. Off my trousers. The floor. The table. My top. My hands again. More floor. My hands once more.
Turns out I'm quite messy when carving.

Pyjamed and ready for milk and cartoons.
They all bundle downstairs and have a look at their pumpkins.
Boy9 gives me a hug thank you when he sees what I carved for him and my heart sings.
Miss5 points out the Bat logo on hers proudly to Boy9. He doesn't care.
And just in case I wasn't feeling the Dad love enough and all Dad-Done-Good about it all...
BabyBoy2 shouts 'Ahoy Matey' when he sees his.
Bonza.

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