Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).
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Showing posts with label brainzilla. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brainzilla. Show all posts

30 December 2015

After the Un-Wrapping...

How was your Christmas?
Good? I hope so.
<Hugs you anyway>

Last night was the first night, in probably a week, I went to bed sober.
It’s funny how getting whammed having the odd drinky is totally acceptable at Christmas time. 
And totally awesome as well.

I've also eaten far far far too much cheese.
That’s strange too. In what way does eating more aged dairy products symbolise Christmas? The best kind of way. Who cares! In our cheese world it does. Team Parents (yay!) stocked the fridge up with many lovely different types of cheese and we splurged on crackers. Not just Jacobs crackers as per normal. No no.
We had Jacobs Crackers variety box. Twice. <Drools>
#LivingTheDream

BabyBoy1 loved the extra cheese in the house.
He has been sneaking into the fridge a lot and coming out with cheese. Which is fine really, although I am not totally happy sharing. It's mostly good for him.
He’s also leant that things that look coins, probably have chocolate in them. Which does feel like a choking incident waiting to happen. But hey! it’s Christmas. 
I assume he can tell the difference between coins that bend in his mouth and taste of chocolate, and well, real coins. Real coins that, so far, have no use in his wonderful world.
If only he knew that you could trade normal coins for the chocolate ones.

BabyBoy1 was given a brilliant present.
Auntie-Amazing took a Pinterest idea and made it real. Yes I KNOW! It can be done! 
She actually made something from Pinterest in real life!
She’s magic!

(We all want one... Even the Cat...)

Basically Auntie-Amazing has given BabyBoy1 a Batmobile.
Not a fun little car that looks cute, not the Mickey Mehmeh car, a bloody Batmobile.
He's only one and already has a Batmobile. That's one of my life goals he has already checked off. Brilliant! The jammie smegger.
Without the stickers it would just be a black car. Covered in Bat stickers makes it at least a Millennium Falcon on ‘Awesome-O-Tron’. (Tron is on it about 15th).
Even better though was BabyBoy1’s reaction.
He is only just getting the hang on Christmas, the unwrapping, the bizarre yet brilliant influx of new toys and stuff, the cheese, chocolate for breakfast, constantly drunk parents.
BabyBoy1’s face as he realised the car was his. Just his. For him.
Was amazing...

‘Uh Uh UHHH’ (* ‘That’s AWESOME! WANT!’)
‘CAR CAR CAR UH UHHH UHHH’ (* ‘WANT MINE! Batmobile’)
<Moves towards car>
Dude, it’s yours
<Gives me disbelieving look>
<Opens the door for him>
<Tiny eyes light up>
‘... Mine?’ (* ‘I now claim this as mine, forever… come near... you die!’)
Dude, it’s all yours
<Holds back Boy8 and Miss4 from having a go>
<BabyBoy1 sits in his car grinning>
‘Mine?’ (* ‘Seriously mine? For keeps?’)
<All the adults nod>
<Biggest grin ever from BabyBoy1>

BabyBoy1 sat in his car for the next three hours.
He unwrapped presents in it, he ate in it. He only got out to walk around it, and then climb back in it. He wouldn't let go without some serious force as he was removed to have a nap. When he woke he climbed straight back in.
I think the other children had one or two goes. But BabyBoy1 had to be distracted by something else shinny. And then when he noticed he was straight over, pushing, nicely at least, anyone out of his car.
Great present.

Miss4 got the yellow Lego snowflake she had asked for.
Santa came up trumps. Somehow he managed to track down a single yellow snowflakes for her. I heard rumours he had to get it from a French eBay site at a horrible mark-up, because it's really hard to find just one yellow snowflake, on it's own, at Christmas time. <Grumbles>
Still she loves it. And she is chuffed to bits that Santa found it and brought it just for her. That's gotta be worth any swine eBay mark-up. 
Santa put it in a jewellery box as well, just to make it extra special.
Good work Santa.
Good expensive choice.

(The fireplace I feel adds the required gravitas…)

Santa didn't let Boy8 down either.
Although not quite how Boy8 had thought it would happen. Boy8 had asked for two (yes two) dwarf hamsters from the big fella. FC. Santa. 
So on the day Boy8 unwrapped a brilliant hamster cage, with hamster food, hamster water bottle, hamster wheel, average sawdust. Everything you could want to start looking after your very first hamster. Everything... except an actual hamster.
But don’t fear. You don’t get to be Santa just because Team Parents (yay!) got whammed one night, some eight years. No no.
Santa clearly had thought about it. He had written a letter. A nice letter saying that ONE hamster was probably the way to go, and not the dwarf one’s either.
Santa had done his research as the pet shop people told me the same when I asked too. Funny that. How does Santa find time for all this stuff and research? Probably has a Elf that’s an Hamster expert I reckon.

Yesterday me and Boy8 went and got his hamster.
Santa had also given Boy8 a voucher for the hamster, so there was no messy money situation going on...

Pet Shop Girl: That’ll be £10
Cool…. Hang on…
<Dumps huge handful of change on the table>
<Takes back penknife, memory sticks, lighters, gum and mag-light>
<Sorts though pennies>
I've got £7.43? That enough? <Flutters eye lids>
Pet Shop Girl: Close… But no
Try this card
<Tries card>
Pet Shop Girl: It’s only good for £1.22
Really? OK. Split it on this one as well…
Pet Shop Girl: 25p on that one....
OK OK <Lays out another seven cards>
Please start with the Darth Vader card, then the Samurai Jack card, R2-D2 card ... and end with the Captain Barnacles card here <Points>
<Gets a look from the girl>
<Smiles back and dies a little inside as aware is spoiling magical moment for Boy8>
Pet Shop Girl: Your grand total comes to £9.87… You're still short
Who are you calling short?
Er… Boy8… You got any cash?
REALLY? This is the last time though… You still owe me £3
Yes, yes, all right I'm good for it, don't go on…
<Boy8 pulls out wallet stuffed with notes>
Can you change a £50?

Boy8 is very happy with his hamster.
Team Parents (yay!) can tell. We are his parents and we can read that little boy like a book. Every nuance, every words he says, how he walks, how he holds himself, we have seen him grow from nothing to Boy8 he is. We process and understand his every movement and interpret it's meaning. 
It’s really a special, mystical, magical parent thing.
Oh and he drew this...

(We spend many hours deciphering this… Subtle as it is...)

Then the hamster training began.
We want Boy8 to be able to handle the hamster brilliantly. Of course.
Don’t want him scared of being bitten. I seem to recall being bitten by my hamsters when I was young and not liking it very much. I think I got good enough to be able to handle my hamster. But I am not 100% sure about it. I was probably a bit wussy about it to be honest. But I did have three of the little furry dudes, so I bet I did man up eventually. I didn't.
So I sat down with Boy8, with Miss4 watching, and took our time getting to know the hamster. I read up on how to do it safely. And had received advice from the other lovely lady at the Pet shop.
I was one with the force knowledge.

Boy8 was bitten straight away.
Blood! A proper pin prick on his finger.
I could see in his little gangly eyes that this was a pivotal point in his hamster training and I needed to be strong for him.

It’s fine, don’t worry about it
He’s just getting to know you
MAN UP
It’s still bleeding! <Is close to tears staring at finger>
Yeah it’ll do that, just suck your finger…
Watch me do it...

I got bitten straight away.
Internally I thought OW! And then my but that is bleeding a lot
I gave the hamster a bit of a look. But then I noticed something.
The look of tears in Boy8’s eyes had gone. He was laughing at me.
Watching me get bitten, just like he had, was the exact remedy he needed.
It seems that if his Dad (me) can get bitten as well, then it’s nothing he is doing wrong. My similar failure absolved his. I am so glad.
This all occurred to me whilst I sat there sucking my finger and crying.
Boy8 shock off the agonising pain and tried again.
#BloodyProud

But I was even more proud when he got bit again, and he just laughed it off.
He and his hamster are going to get on just fine, I am sure of it.
He’s been bitten, twice!, and is still going back for more.
Hell he'll be fine for love too.

Miss4 however.
Having watched me and Boy8 get bitten thrice (combined), vowed clearly and loudly never to go near the fluffy dude ever. She crossed her heart and everything.

She’s a smart cookie that one.


23 December 2015

A Christmas Play (Skit)

I love Christmas.
And I am way too busy eating cake writing poems, drinking booze discussing literature, stuffing my face with cheese that upsets my tummy but I love it anyway visiting relatives, to write anything up to my normal high standards (no laughing please).
Plus the chances of finding enough quiet 'me' time to pull my thoughts out of Brainzilla and get them down on... er... screen are practically zip. 

I've more chance of a lie-in on Christmas day...

'Wake up! Wake up! ITS CHRISTMAS!'
... Urghhh... go back to sleep... 
<Grumbles>
<Looks at clock>
... It is far too morning...
... I hate you...
... we are not getting up...
<Uses deadly serious voice>
... until at least one child wakes... OK! 
<Gives Mrs. Amazing a look>
'Fine, fine, no need be a grump...'
<Sings noisily quietly to self> 'Dashing through the snow...'
<Gets grumpier>

(Is there a window open in here?)

So here’s a short play (skit) instead...

[Kids finally asleep]
[I walk downstairs to find all the windows open and Mrs. Amazing]
Why are all the windows open?
<Shivers>
It's freezing in here!!!
It’s gonna cost a fortune to reheat this!
It's nearly Christmas for baubles sake!
‘It's stuffy in here... I wanted some fresh air’
Why didn't you go outside then?
Lots of fresh air outside
‘It's cold out there’
<Logic capacitor explodes>
‘Plus I want the fresh air in here’
‘So stop being such a wuss and put a jumper on’
I have! <Shows off R2-D2 knitted jumper>
‘Put on another’
No it took me ages to pick this one
Plus I am not wearing two jumpers in my own home
Unless we are playing the chocolate knife and fork game
Anyway... <Sniffs the air>
… the air seems pretty darn fresh to me now...
Let’s shut the windows
‘I'm a bit hot as well’
<Thinks of a great plan>
OK then... how about we shut all the windows, and instead of me having to wear two jumpers…
You take your top off? <Looks as innocent as possible>
‘Fine’ <Rolls eyes to the heavens>
<Fist pumps>
‘Stupid boy’





Merry Christmas X
<Hug>



13 December 2015

My Christmas Present Onion (Layers)

I AM NOT COMPLAINING, I AM JUST SAYING (for your entertainment).
There's a difference.

E.g. This is just saying:
<Listens to Westlife on radio>
Ha! This suuuucks!
I'd rather this wasn't happening!
But hey ho!
<Hums along happy enough now has shared thoughts>

E.g. This is complaining:
<Listens to Beiber on radio>
OH GOD NO!
It hurts! It hurts! OWWWWY OW OW!!!
<Starts hitting the radio, whilst stuffing bread into ears>
He's in my mind! I am being polluted!
<Gets hammer>
... Can't. Bare. It...
<Smashing occurs>
Ahh.... better...
<Radio stops working>

But oh my Xmas-shizzle, is this Christmas requiring a lot of planning.
Team Parents (yay!) have had to call a lot of planning meeting of late. I love the tea and biscuits at the meetings, the organiser is HOT!, but they can drag on a bit and I always wish I took notes, because I seem to forget everything later, or stuff is made up.
The present requirements for this year, are well, complex...

How about a bit of coal for Boy8?
'Hmmm... not sure he will 'want' coal'
Bag of coal?
'Still probably no'
Does he like food?
'Er... sometimes'
<Both sigh>
Pie?
'He's probably thinking more a toy?'
Pie-toy? That's weird...
Miss4 into coal?
'She's probably thinking toy too...'
Cool, they can share
'Probably hoping for one each'
TWO TOYS! Jinkies!
<Gets a look for Jinkies>
I've been watching Scooby-Doo
<Still getting a look>
With Boy8! <Is lying>
And BabyBoy1?
'er... Coal is fine'

So obviously as we are all on the naughty nice list we will all be getting a FC present.
After last years mind change near disaster gate regarding Boy8's present. The letter to Santa rules were laid out very plainly this year.

a) Once the letter has been sent / burnt it CANNOT BE CHANGED.
It's like ordering with Debenhams on-line, once your order is in, it cannot be changed. Santa and one of the UK leading high-street stores (sigh!) web site, seem to have the same administration system. I forgive Santa coz well he has to draw a line somewhere. But Debenhams WTF! (Why can't I change my order? I had had too much wine and was drunk clicking, a mere 20 seconds later I wanted to change me order (second thoughts about the full scale R2-D2 for Mrs. Amazing, she probably only wants one), why can I not change it online? Do your computers (servers) work differently to everyone elses? DO THEY!) (the answer is no).

b) There is no cash alternative. Christmas is not a financial transaction (and never will be, unless you are going travelling).

c) You may only submit one letter per year. The administration staff get a bit cranky if they have to update your records constantly.

d) No weapons (Unless you need a sword for sword class).

e) None of the smegging pets need to write to Santa. And no the fish doesn't get a present. EVER.
The Cat may.

Fig 1. FC's present and stocking requirements

(The letter in a circle is to indicate that Boy8 and Miss4 have already written and chimney-sent their letters to FC asking for loot stuff).

As you can see, each child gets a present from Santa and a stocking. 
Me and Mrs. Amazing tend to get over looked by Santa for a present (we are naughty together sometimes), but we do get a stocking. BabyBoy1 doesn't send a letter as he is illiterate (still!).
The Cat gets a dotty line as he tends only to get a present if anyone else remembers he needs one.
The fish gets nought. HA HA!

Now then, that present requirement probably seems quite reasonable.
Let's add in Team Parents (yay!) presents.

Fig 2. Team Parents (yay!) present and stocking requirements

Easy.
Team Parents (yay!) get each child a present. Nice. 
Animals and livestock are out of our remit.
Note that the Team Parents (yay!) presents are smaller than FC's. We don't like to upstage the big guy. I am always DELIGHTED that FC gets the most present glory. As it should be.
<Grumbles>
Logistically up to here I am fine, my mind can cope with this. This is reasonable amount of presents I feel. 
It's the next layer that seems to cause Brainzilla problems...

Fig. 3. The kids presents to each other, and us AKA the start of the madness

Bollocks! 
Even as I draw this now, I realise BabyBoy1 hasn't got his Mum a present! (and again two days later!)
AND Miss4, whilst I know what she is getting Mrs. Amazing, I haven't actually ordered it.
CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!
<Goes on-line in mad panic>
<Gets distracted and buys booze and chocolate for self>

I have mentioned to a few people, enemies mainly
That the amount Team Parents (yay!) have to organise, is a lot. Some have responded with understanding and compassion.
'Ooooooo that's a lot of organise'
'Poor you'
'Duuuuude!'

Etc... As you would expect.

But others <sigh>... respond strangely with.:
<Snippy> 'Well it's your own fault for having three foul child spawner from Satan's own flock!'
Yes <Is confused, having listened to a hour of their tedious job complaints>
... I suppose it is <Fake smiles>
It's also my own fault for expecting simple, easy, empathy and compassion from you
Let's speak again later... some time in the future.. think personal robots...

A little support surely isn't that hard?

Anyhoo ho ho ho...

As fig 3. clearly shows there's quite a bit to work out and plan.
We hit the internet hard and ordered away. Once most things turned up we had another meeting (!) where we undid all the boxes, checked the right things were here, and then laid everything out on the bed in lines to make it easy for me to understand.
A few things were shuffled about, but we were 75% done.
Mrs. Amazing made a new list and we started operation 'stuff we forgot'.

Bet you thought that was everyone?
Nope... Grandparents...

Fig 4. Spaghetti Grandparents

Hurts doesn't it.
MY EYES!

This is the 'kids' chance to say thank you for all the care and support the grandparents provide through out the year. It tends to be a hand made (by child) gift that says we love you.
Without the grandparents helping out, Team Parents (yay!) ship would have sunk many years ago. Dramatically and with all hands going down.
So these are important presents.

Fig. 5 All the other relatives AKA when Brainzilla hides...
(Really it’s Jackson Pollock's- Wide Walls… but shhhhh)

OK fine. That's not really the image. 
Basically that information cannot be drawn on a computer. I tried and it blew up my computer. I tried a bigger super computer, and that blew up too.
But missing is: My siblings (kids aunts and uncles), siblings wives and husbands (kids aunts-in-law and uncles-in-law), my mnieces and nephews (kids cousins), my god-children and my god-parents, close friends and a man called Ed.
Mrs. Amazing's additional list is similar but she has more friends on it, me, and she still has grand parents living.
I've made a rough count, and it comes to roughly 57 presents. Shiiiit
No wonder we hand make so many presents! 
Yes we could skip a few. But we don't want to.
We like giving stuff. The impossible trick is doing it on the cheap.

As I said at the beginning I am not complaining.
I love giving presents to people we love. I love thinking about what they may like, and what might make them smile. It's a very personal thing you can do for someone.
I always feel quite upset if I cannot think of a present for someone, as though I don't know them well enough. Still, whenever that happens, there's still wine, beer, a mix tape, pie, chocs, dead arms...
The Christmas logistic may be close to madness, and very close to what ol' Brainzilla can cope with.
But I wouldn't change for all the life sized R2-D2's in the world.
And secret Santa's suck.

<Dusts self off and packs up keyboard, Tale done> ...
<Goes to make a cup of tea>
<Whistles randomly>
<Raids chocolate cupboard>
<Scratches>
<Smiles at tree, grabs chocolate off tree, makes it look like the kids took it>
<Sits and relaxes to eat chocolate>
<Isn't thinking about much and is happy everything is planned brilliantly and covered>
<When Brainzilla pipes up...>

MRS. AMAZING'S PRESENT!
SHIIIIIITTTTT!
<PANICS!>
<Runs>

58 presents.