Hi! <Waves>

Funny and honest tales from a made-to-work Dad of three, wobbling, graying, and laughing his way through parenthood. Armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, full of pie, fighting a chocolate addiction, but genuinely honoured to be at least half of Team Parents (yay!).
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16 September 2017

Like Frikkin’ Parent Ninjas (that are careless with their possessions)...

I had been at work.
And after skipping running out of the office whooping and hollering, I had managed to get myself home.
And as walked up to the front door. I got ready to be greeted by my small army of lunatics children…

BabyBoy3: <Drops whatever he is doing, meets me at the door excited> 'Daddy!!!'
<Gets a leg hug>
Miss6: 'Daddy!' <Gives me a hug and has lots of things to show me and tell me>
Boy10: <Eyelids flicker, once, in my direction>

But as I got to the front door.
I notice there is no car at home. Which is surprising as normally there is a car there. Whatever model had taken Mrs. Amazing’s fancy that morning Ours in fact.
And the little faces that normally I see through the windows, getting ready to fight, or leap off the sofa, armed to the teeth with Nerf guns, covered in snot. They are not there, too.
<Wonders if I am at the wrong house>

(My house… This is not… Ooooo)

I let myself in.
Which makes me happier this is my house. I’ve got a key.
And of course the Cat is here. The fussy cat.
The cat that doesn't like his food ever. I give him more of the same food he doesn't like. And then flip him the bird.
And then I am a little disappointed that no one was here to greet me. It’s nice when they all come running, happy to see me. Mrs. Amazing glad to have more adult-ish company.
Of course this could just mean they are all hiding.
Ready to jump out and scare the crap out of me...

Helloooo? Is anyone hom...
Boy10: <Dives out from behind a door 'AHHHHHHHH!'
EKKKKKKKK! ARHGHGHGHGG <Runs into a wall, knocks self out>
Boy10: <Laughs for hours>

After a heart stopping.
Fear ridden house search. I accept there is no one home. And that some parts of the house are pretty scary when it’s all silent. And the Cat’s a sneaky git that enjoys leaping out at me.
Where the smeg are they all?
I check the chocolate cupboard again. Still not there.
<Flicks on kettle>

Where are they all?
I check my phone for a message from Mrs. Amazing. 'We're running late, be home soon' something like that. But nope. No message.
Which means Mrs. Amazing is probably driving.
And running late.

So what on earth to do with all this rare and free time?
<Checks chocolate cupboard again>
Being the good Team Parent (yay!) member that I am. I head upstairs and get everyone's bedrooms ready for bed. Draw the curtains. That kind of things.
I also grab jammies for all and line them up on the sofa. So all three monkeys can come in the door and get instantly ready for bed.
I get BabyBoy3's milk warmed and ready and Mrs. Amazing’s wine chilled.
And then I sit and drink my tea.
Lovely.

It is strangely quiet without them all in the house.
I could do anything I wanted. Things I always want to do, but can’t.
I could watch what I want on the tele. Play my guitar.
ANYTHING!
Of course whatever I start doing, I know, I KNOW!
That just as I am getting into it…. They will get home and interrupt it.
I make another cuppa.
And then, and this maybe a little left field, I decide to cook a lasagne.

It is almost as though I am taunting them all.
Go on! Interrupt what I am doing! You'll regret it. I am making lasagne.
And no one ever wants that process to be stopped.

(#TheDream)

Forty minutes later.
I've made the bolognese sauce, the white sauce, even properly left it to infuse, and I am just layering everything up. 90% done.
When the gang finally pull up in the car.

I go outside to help Mrs. Amazing.
Miss6 and BabyBoy3 are fast asleep. And will need to be handled very carefully.
As if they now wake getting them to bed will be annoying and take ages.
Which we don’t want. At present they are sleep.
We just need them to be sleeping in their beds.

Boy10 on the other hand.
Leaps out of the car and starts running about with Mrs. Amazing's cheery patterned shawl over his head….

Boy10: 'I am Cherry man!' <Cool superman move>
Team Parent (yay!) as one: 'SHhhhhhh!' <And a 'you better stop that instantly' look>

Team Parent (yay!) exchange looks.
No works need to be exchanged. We've two children to whisk up to bed. Without waking them. Team Parent (yay!) instantly switch to ninja mode.
Cars are opened and closed as though a sound detecting laser cannon was pointing at our backs. Boy10 / Cherry man is shushed again and ushered inside to get his jammies on.

<Whispering> QUIETLY!

Mrs. Amazing gets BabyBoy3 from the car.
He is very asleep, and he the most, needs to stay asleep.
If he wakes now. It'll be nine o'clock before he finally crashes out again.
Mrs. Amazing is very careful taking off his belt.

I have Miss6 to remove from the car.
And put into bed. I get the door open like a ninja. Seat belt is carefully removed, like I am defusing a bomb.
Then I notice Miss has Mrs. Amazing's coat on her legs. I go to remove it. But it doesn't move. It's then that I realise Miss6 has put her legs into Mrs. Amazing's coat's arm sleeves.
Sheesh!

Slowly I manage to get Miss6 free of the coat.
And pull her up into my arms. She wakes a little.
My heart starts pounding...

Shhh shhhh it's beditme...
Don't wake up.... Shhhh shhh… Please
Miss6: <Opens eyes briefly> <Falls back alseep>

I take Miss6 upstairs to her bedroom.
And gently put her on her bed. Luckily for me she is keen to sleep.
I only have to put the duvet over her. She has fresh water already, as I did that whilst I was waiting. The curtains are all closed and I feel darn proud of myself for getting all their bedrooms ready earlier.
Miss6 is already asleep.

I meet Mrs. Amazing leaving BabyBoy3's room.
He is also fast asleep. We high five at the top of the stairs in silence and head downstairs.
Still one to go. But there’s no rush for him.

Mrs. Amazing explains why she was late.
Saved the world again. A shoe lorry tipped over, and she was getting them all. They got caught up in traffic. Hence why they are so late.
It is the first words we have exchanged since they got home. Ninja mode now turned off.
I say I've made a lasagne whilst I waited.
Which is fifth on the list of the best things someone could do for you whilst they wait.
A hungry Mrs. Amazing is very happy with me.
And Mrs. Amazing takes Boy10 quietly up for bed…

Boy10: [STOMP STOMP]
Team Parent (yay!) as one: QUIETLY!

Feeling very proud of Team Parent (yay!).
I head out to the car to get all the stuff in. There's always stuff. It always needs to be in.
Team Parent (yay!) had worked like a well oiled team then. Ten years of being parents had finally paid off. We were slick, efficient, requiring minimal interaction, children putting to bed ninjas.
I am so proud of us.

(Bagsie the Pirate one…
Mrs. Amazing: ‘Damn it!... Stupid dolphin sticker…’ <Grumbles off>
<Is very happy with pirate sticker>)

Then I realise we'd left the front door wide open.
Since we’ve been upstairs. Quite a while.
Every single door on the car is wide open too.
Boot too. With all it's scooters and bikes just sitting there screaming 'pinch me', ‘no me,’ ‘no me!’.
Mrs. Amazing's handbag is sat in the footwell of the passenger side.
It’s so tempting, I nearly pinch it.

So parent ninjas we are.
But very careless and lucky ones, that are prone to leave our valuables just lying about whilst we work. But still ninjas.
<Rolls eyes at us>
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